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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him in the wrong?

47 replies

Chocolateandbananas123 · 10/05/2023 10:22

So I was just after other people’s opinions on a conversation me and my bf had last night/this morning.
We’ve been together 5 months, both have 2 children each. He has every other weekend without his children, I pretty much have mine all the time unless my mum babysits for me. I have recently started getting my 2 dd’s (9 & 15) to go stay at their dads 1 night every 2 weeks but apart from that all other childcare is done by my mum.
My bf wanted whole weekends with me, Fri thru to Sunday on our own when he hasn’t got his kids. We have done this twice in the last month. This weekend should be our full weekend together, my dd’s said they didn’t want me to go 2 nights so I arranged for just 1 night, Saturday morning until Sunday evening to spend with my bf.
I told him this last night, it didn’t go down well. He said my girls get me all the time and he would have to wait another 3 weeks for us to get a weekend together, and this morning he said it was the final straw. I thought it was quite selfish of him.
He lives 45 minutes away and me and my dd’s go and stay at his 2 nights a week and I go one/two nights on my own. He has been to stay with us 1 night in the last month.
At his we had last Thursday night on our own, we also have this Saturday, next Thursday and a night away planned next weekend, with a whole weekend together the following weekend. Who is being unreasonable here? This is my first relationship since coming out of an awful 12 year relationship.
We are both busy, I run my own business and he has a very stressful job but works from home and it is hard to find time sometimes while keeping everyone happy.
I am also waiting for my ex to let me sell our house, so that I can move closer to him but it’s taking a long time and is causing tension in my new relationship that it doesn’t seem to be moving forward.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 10/05/2023 12:23

A man who makes you choose between him and your kids is not a keeper OP.

Deathbyfluffy · 10/05/2023 12:26

I'm a man (who has a child with someone other than my wife from a previous relationship) and this is pretty horrific - he shouldn't be asking this of you.
It sounds like you're doing everything right (although moving quickly, but that's your choice) - he sounds terrible, wanting you away from your DC so he can have you to himself.

That's not how parenting works, and he needs to learn that.

FictionalCharacter · 10/05/2023 12:30

“I am trying to keep everyone happy all of the time”
Well don’t! That’s a recipe for turning yourself into a unthanked doormat. Put yourself and your children first. This man is jealous of your time with your kids, he’s bossing you around and you’ve only known him a few months.

WheelsUp · 10/05/2023 12:33

He is very unreasonable. It's clear that he doesn't have his kids during the week.

I think that things are too serious after 5 months and kids involved. This is the time when some people would be considering introductions because they'd have a sense of whether or not this is serious.

I would dump someone who reacted like your bf over losing Friday night. It's understandable that he's disappointed but I wouldn't send my kids away for an extra night when they weren't keen so that he could get a shag. No way would I prioritize a relationship of 5 months over my kids. If you do insist on the second night then you risk the kids never going.

If he's like this now, imagine how much worse he'd be if you ever lived with him. He would be constantly sulking because your kids dared ask a question or something.

It's a major red flag that he's sulking because he doesn't feel like he's your number 1 priority 5 months in. I guarantee that this will get worse and you'll be doing the childcare and housework for his kids in time too.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/05/2023 12:37

OP, you are dating Chairman Mao and his little red flags.

Don't even think of moving near to him.

WilkinsonM · 10/05/2023 12:38

YABVU to take your kids to stay at his every other weekend. After 5 months this is insane. Of course you can leave the youngest with the oldest to babysit sometimes but not for a whole weekend! He sounds selfish and you're trying to pander to him why?? This is way too much and he doesn't sound like a good guy at all.

WheelsUp · 10/05/2023 12:38

I am trying to keep everyone happy all of the time

You can't. You're a mum of 2 so will know that sometimes a decision leads to one child being happy while the other is unhappy.

His attitude shows how little he parents or understands what life is like with children. He clearly assumes that your ex should be doing the majority of parenting like his ex and you should be more Disney parent like him

roarfeckingroarr · 10/05/2023 12:42

Way too much too soon. He's being incredibly demanding. None of this is fair on your daughters.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 12:56

There's a lot of people not reading that he has his DC in the week and it's a 50/50 split with his wife. That he doesn't see is DC's much is not the case. However, the problem is that every spare moment he has on his own, he's looking for you to fill. Does he have any friends? That's a red flag in itself if he doesn't. It's not your job to be there whenever he is free regardless of how busy you are. If he wants a sole provider of entertainment to fill his time, tell the boring man to get someone else willing to fill it all, or tell him to get a life!

MissingMoominMamma · 10/05/2023 13:13

Five months??

Get rid.

OrbandSpectacle · 10/05/2023 13:14

the problem is that every spare moment he has on his own, he's looking for you to fill

Why is this? Why are you pandering to it?

WheelsUp · 10/05/2023 13:19

I missed the 50/50 bit.

There's nothing being home alone. Doesn't he have friends that he wants to see, errands to run, DIY, cleaning etc ?

A common thread on here is the wish to have time home alone so that the OP can chill quietly and read, knit, have a bath in peace ... Doesn't this guy have a hobby to go to like so many MN men ?

AuntieDolly · 10/05/2023 13:25

I think your boundaries are skewed and you are heading straight for another awful relationship.

billy1966 · 10/05/2023 13:38

I missed the 50/50 bit too.

So he needs you every other minute when he doesn't have his children after 5 months?

Why is he sulking about your housing situation after 5 months?

Fxxk all to do with him.

Get rid of him, he's a petulant twat.

TheCatterall · 11/05/2023 01:57

@Chocolateandbananas123 he needs to
have things in his life other than you and his children. Neither you nor his kids are there to entertain him. He needs hobbies/a life.

not guilting you at 5 months in whilst you are trying to balance your children’s needs and your life as well as maybe having some time just to yourself.

You both seemed to have moved quite fast if you’ve met each others children and all stayed over whilst they are around. Unfortunately the truth if your situation is you have your children and that’s not going to change. He will just have to get to know you through good old fashioned conversations… nowadays these can happen on the phone and video. You could also arrange a date or three maybe a night here and there. But not how he’s asking you to arrange things. You will be run ragged, unhappy and trying to please everyone but yourself.

Original poster

Chocolateandbananas123 · 11/05/2023 06:27

Speaking to him again last night and he did a full turn around and said if my DD’s were upset that perhaps we should not see each other at all over this weekend and take a break, I’m not sure he meant it and was just trying to make me feel guilty.
He also asked if I had thought about what he would be doing on Friday night now that he was alone and I had only decided to tell him on the Tuesday.
He said he should have been brought into the conversation rather than being told, which I do agree with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolateandbananas123 · 11/05/2023 06:31

Deathbyfluffy · 10/05/2023 12:26

That's not how parenting works, and he needs to learn that.

It’s really helpful to hear this from a male perspective. I would never get upset if he wanted to spend time with his children.
In fact he did it to me last weekend, asked me not to go on the Saturday night as he thought a weekend alone with his boys would be good for them, I didn’t complain at all and saw him on the Sunday instead when they had gone home.
I’m fully aware that we moved quickly, maybe more to do with me not wanting to be alone

OP posts:

Jellycatbat20 · 11/05/2023 06:59

What an utter baby he sounds. "I'll be on my own on Friday because of you, don't you feel sorry for me?" No, you tosser, get some friends. A hobby. Watch Netflix. Learn to cope with your own company. The sky won't fall in for either of you if you have to be in your own company for a bit. It's a way to find out who you are in your own right, not as an appendage to some test of a bloke.

His happiness is not your responsibility, your responsibilities are to your kids. What kind of model is this showing your daughters about men walking all over women for God's sake? Out of curiosity, did your ex have similar characteristics? Other relatives?? Are you repeating a pattern?

NCMum79 · 11/05/2023 07:23

5 months is too early for kids staying over - you don't actually know if you're compatible this early on and you're putting the kids into the mix while you figure that out. Uprooting your home to move closer to someone you've known 5 months is also an error. The dating phase is meant to be 'Figuring someone out', you don't have a duty to them or an obligation at this stage besides basic courtesy and respect. Both parties should feel like they can walk away if it isn't right. He's being self-centered and emotionally manipulative already. When he started dating you he knew your time circumstances so it isn't some big surprise. If it's not for him, he's welcome to walk away. If you aren't careful you're going to run headlong into another abusive marriage i'm afraid.

Luna42 · 11/05/2023 08:14

OP, you are describing manipulation, he makes you feel guilty, wants you to put his needs above your daughters and is not respecting your decisions. If he is willing to do this so early in the relationship he will get worse. He is trying to make you responsible for his emotional well-being.
So what if you cancel?! You could even change plans because an old friend needs a shoulder to cry on or your mum is unwell, consider how he would react to you spending time with anyone but him if you don't have the kids? You could even want a night alone! You're spending way too much time together and I hope you can take a step back. Of course he won't like this and I suspect trying to have any boundaries with him will result in verbal/ emotional attack of you so you may need to plan how to do this safely, then block and go back to concentrating on yourself and your happiness.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 08:16

He wants a gf with no ties.. That isn't you op.
Sadly you are in another unsuitable relationship..

Moredrama · 11/05/2023 09:51

Chocolateandbananas123 · 11/05/2023 06:31

Show quote history

OP when he asked what you thought he’d be doing this weekend now you’ve changed plans, you should have said what did he think you’d do last weekend when he wanted to prioritise his children and asked you not to come!
It works both ways and he’s being very selfish.

He’s trying to make you feel bad and saying about a “break” is his way of trying to scare you that it could be over if you don’t give him all your time.
Don’t let him guilt trip you. Apologise for not giving him more notice and both plan something nice to do next time - you can’t do any more without completely sacrificing your children

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