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Original poster

Looking for a male perspective: not making an effort for your partners’ birthday etc

41 replies

Notthebirthdayiwanted · 10/05/2023 00:22

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about my disappointment that DP didn’t make plans or got me a present for my birthday, although he usually is caring and up until then I would have said that we have a loving and solid relationship. Even after addressing it with him, he just didn’t understand what the big deal is.
Ive seen quite a few other threads here from women saying the same thing, being disappointed that their partners didn’t make an effort for their birthday or didn’t get them a present for Christmas…

So I’m wondering, is this something where women and men are on different pages?

I’d be interested in some male perspectives (but of course everyone is welcome to share opinions).

OP posts:
Ladysquamy · 10/05/2023 06:49

Not a man but my husband always makes an effort and my friends' husband's do too. I wouldn't stay with someone who wouldn't make an effort to get me a nice birthday present. That's sheer laziness.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 10/05/2023 06:59

Not a male either, but my husband is hopeless at presents. He always remembers birthdays, anniversaries etc and always buys me several presents so clearly feels it's important. However, even after 50 years together, he just doesn't have the knack of finding something that's really 'me'. I know he loves me but I'm resigned to the fact that he just doesn't have the emotional intelligence or imagination to be good at buying gifts.

Icequeen01 · 10/05/2023 07:06

Please don't confuse laziness and selfishness with "not being on the same page". There is no excuse to not remember or, even worse, remember but not bother with your birthday. My DH has never forgotten my birthday or our wedding anniversary and we've been married for 38 years.

Don't make excuses for him. The fact it bothers you that he didn't do anything for your birthday should be enough to bother him and to ensure he never does this again.

ZoraMipha · 10/05/2023 07:10

This isn't about being male, it's about being lazy and not prioritising his relationship.

My DH always remembers my birthday and anniversaries. I recommend you find one who does the same!

Trainstrike · 10/05/2023 07:11

I'm female but birthdays have never really been a big deal for me. When I was growing up, we never had big fusses made for birthdays so it stems from there for me. I've always been surprised to hear about people have special breakfasts, lunches, big parties etc from a young age. Is your husband just someone who has never been big into birthdays?

Obviously if they are a big deal for you and he's fully aware of your expectations then it's different. My husband knows I'm happy with a card and a small present (as in something below £50).

C1N1C · 10/05/2023 07:12

I'm a guy and I'm in that category. I celebrate these things more out of pressure than because I actually care. Birthday, Christmas, New Years, anniversary... to me, they're just arbitrary days in the calendar. I'd rather forget my own birthday, and have told my wife this.. but she insists because it seems unfair if I (have to) celebrate hers.

The same was true for the wedding. Luckily we agreed on that, we eloped!

But forget one of these days... oh, life wouldn't be worth living.

RidingMyBike · 10/05/2023 07:14

He's being selfish, it's not just being 'male'. If you love someone and know they care about something then you do something about it.

My DH doesn't really get birthdays and thinks they're a bit pointless so we don't really celebrate his much at all. But I do like birthdays so we do celebrate mine (in a small way, I'm not into big parties!)

DucksNewburyport · 10/05/2023 07:19

I'm female and birthdays aren't a big deal for me. A card and a kiss is fine for me! I like to do something as well (a meal out or whatever) but I'm happy to organise this for myself.

Luckily DH is similar so he doesn't expect a big fuss on his birthday either. I think that's what would annoy me - someone who didn't make an effort for your birthday but expected you to make a big deal for his.

YRGAM · 10/05/2023 07:23

I am a man and I don't care about my own birthday, and left up to me I wouldn't celebrate anniversaries or anything like that. I ultimately don't think it means anything to mark them.

That being said, it's important to my wife, so I always make an effort. This kind of compromise and empathy is a vital part of keeping a relationship going, and she compromises on things that are important to me and not to her.

However, there's a massive difference between not making extravagant gestures and presents for your partner's birthday, and not remembering it at all. The former is fine, but not marking it or remembering at all is plain disrespectful and ultimately I don't think a marriage can survive if a man keeps doing it.

My general opinion on this topic is that like a lot of arguments in relationships, in a lot of cases women are using effort made on birthdays as a proxy variable for how much their partner loves them, in the same way men who are unhappy with lack of affection/sex in their relationships are using that as a proxy for how much their partners love them.

DucksNewburyport · 10/05/2023 07:25

I often forget our anniversary too!

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 07:29

I will ask my husband later. I am female and I do celebrate my birthday and I expect my husband to remember it is my birthday and to wish me happy birthday.

But what I don’t really understand is why he needs to make the plans. I make plans for my birthday and I expect him to turn up and participate in the plans. He got me a present this year, but it wouldn’t have bothered me if he hadn’t.

So I definitely take my birthday seriously, but I am not a princess about it. I don’t remain silent in the run up to my birthday and then be all disappointed because I don’t wake up to a balloon arch and a day of his carefully choreographed plans. I discuss my birthday plans with my husband beforehand, this year for example, I said take the day off we are going to the spa for the day and then at the weekend we are going to [this place] for lunch. That I made the plans, did not spoil my enjoyment of them in any way.

doubleoseven · 10/05/2023 07:30

I'm female and couldn't care less about birthdays, actually get embarrassed for some of the adults I know as they make such a big fuss of their birthdays so it wouldn't bother me at all. You just place more importance on these things than your partner.

ArcticSkewer · 10/05/2023 07:31

"My general opinion on this topic is that like a lot of arguments in relationships, in a lot of cases women are using effort made on birthdays as a proxy variable for how much their partner loves them, in the same way men who are unhappy with lack of affection/sex in their relationships are using that as a proxy for how much their partners love them."

@YRGAM That's a really good point. And many women just seem equally baffled about why their partners are so upset about their sex life.

I'm female op, so not really answering your question, but birthdays are not important to me either - beyond kids birthdays, anyway. Is this a case where the man expects a huge fuss for his but does nothing in return? Now that I really can't abide - that is pure selfishness.

acpk55 · 10/05/2023 07:31

Male here.
I do make an effort on partner’s birthday, usually a card / meal, because she expects it really, I also think some women use birthdays, / Christmas as a point scoring opportunity to show how much “better” are at relationships , which I think is pretty crap.
as for the present buying, I don’t think women are especially better than men, I’ve certainly had some awful gifts that have ended up in the bin , but also some very thoughtful ones as well

Innocentsongs · 10/05/2023 07:45

Many posters on here claim to give their husbands really thoughtful presents. I always wanted to know what these thoughtful presents actually are, partly because I want to nick the ideas.
When I was first with my husband, I loved buying him presents but I quickly realised that my idea about 'thoughtful' was just about me. He has always liked maps. He uses them as a tool and enjoys understanding the lie of the land etc. I bought him an expensive antique map of the world which I thought was a brilliant present. Years later when we were having a clear out, he confessed to not liking the map at all. As he pointed out, the map was inaccurate and from his point of view, useless. We now indicate exactly what we want as presents. I know my husband loves me. I don't need validation in the form of 'thoughtful' parents that eventually cause clutter and end up as land fill.

MichaelAndEagle · 10/05/2023 07:51

I am a woman who isn't fussed about birthday presents etc
To me, it is much more about the everyday. Birthdays are just not important to me.
I do mark them for loved ones of course, but if they wanted a big fanfare (party or big family meal out) I would expect them to organise that themselves for example.
I'm genuinely happy with a box of chocolates and bunch of flowers. Was there no gift at all?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/05/2023 08:05

Not a man but it's the other way round in our house, he makes loads of effort for my birthday, he's a stickler for certain dates and would get really upset if I forgot something. So no, I don't thinks it's a 'man thing' but talking to friends it seems to be more likely that a man doesn't make the effort. I was talking to a friend last week and her dh bought her a kitchen utensil for her birthday recently Confused

Elspethelf · 10/05/2023 08:05

In my experience, women in general tend to make more effort, but that doesn’t mean guys who’ll make effort don’t exist. I have often felt I’ve been the ‘giver’ in the relationship and my partner has been the ‘taker’, and these relationships left me exhausted. Finding someone where we both prioritize the other has been lovely.

primoseyellow · 10/05/2023 08:10

I think if someone is generally forgetful, late for appointments, misses flights/trains and can't manage work targets etc then if they forget a birthday or forget to get a present than fair enough, they obviously struggle with this area.

But if someone manages all areas of life but chooses not to buy a present and not to make a fuss on a partners birthday, then I would think its a subtle way of holding the power and they want to sub consciously keep you on the back foot.

Original poster
Notthebirthdayiwanted · 10/05/2023 08:13

He gave me flowers and a card. Christmas was similar - last minute generic present bought on the day before. I always think of something special to get for him, plus I make plans for him e.g I take him for a weekend away somewhere where he really wants to go….he doesn’t ask me to do that and I believe he wouldn’t mind if I didn’t, but I do it because I love him and want him to feel appreciated.

I had a thread about my last birthday situation already and got a lot of advice along the lines of ‘he doesn’t make an effort, reconsider the relationship’.

It’s been playing on my mind since…Also because I’ve seen so many similar threads here recently. I think @YRGAM made a good point.

OP posts:
Shimoo2 · 10/05/2023 08:13

From my perspective (I am a man, but don’t think that’s particularly relevant), I agree with the poster above, who said that a card and a kiss (plus a present) should be sufficient on an adult’s birthday.

It’s childish to expect a great deal more and to demand a massive fuss.

Polis · 10/05/2023 08:24

Not male but a card and a kiss is usually all we do. Occasionally we do something more but there is no expectation.

I have actually recycled previous years’ cards to him and he didn’t notice.

EttuTuesday · 10/05/2023 08:51

Been with my DH for 46 years. He admits he finds it stressful choosing presents as he doesn’t want to disappoint me, so would prefer not bother with gifts at Christmas (though I don’t agree). It’s not that he doesn’t care. He and our two adult DSs prefer me to be quite precise about my birthday.
I wouldn’t take it personally if I were you.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 10/05/2023 08:59

I'm a man. I don't place that much importance on birthdays personally and could happily see my own pass without comment. However, they are important to my wife and my kids and why would I pass up an opportunity to spoil them rotten? It's important to them so that makes it important to me.

Your husband may not care that much about birthdays as a general principle but he'd have to have the IQ of an amoeba not to realise that you care and that he's hurting you. Don't fall for his bullshit. He does get it, he just doesn't care. Don't waste the rest of your life with someone who places no value on your happiness.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2023 09:07

I dont think it is a typical male thing. My DS is 40 and a professional artist. He always gives me a beautiful piece of art nicely framed for my birthday and they take him a long time to make. He is very loving and always makes an effort for his wife too.
My gallery of his art gives me enormous joy. For my last birthday he did me a beautiful portrait of my 21 year old cat who had just died. A lovely memory of her.
I think men who ignore birthdays are lazy and neglectful and could do with a kick up the backside. I'd take it as a sign my other half takes me for granted and doesn't really care ghst much about .my feelings.