Looking for a male perspective: not making an effort for your partners’ birthday etc

[Notthebirthdayiwanted]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about my disappointment that DP didn’t make plans or got me a present for my birthday, although he usually is caring and up until then I would have said that we have a loving and solid relationship. Even after addressing it with him, he just didn’t understand what the big deal is.
Ive seen quite a few other threads here from women saying the same thing, being disappointed that their partners didn’t make an effort for their birthday or didn’t get them a present for Christmas…

So I’m wondering, is this something where women and men are on different pages?

I’d be interested in some male perspectives (but of course everyone is welcome to share opinions).

I think giving presents is a minefield. Like @Innocentsongs I see lots of people on here saying they put a lot of effort into giving thoughtful presents. But I always wonder if the receivers of these gifts are equally enthusiastic. It’s so easy for something to be thoughtful but also completely wrong, because it’s not actually to that person’s taste. Or it relates to their hobby but you don’t actually know enough about the hobby to get it right. That map is a great example.

So on the one hand someone who’s not into birthdays and gifts does need to be prepared to put the effort in if that’s important to their partner. But also their partner needs to spell out very clearly what they want!

My x hubby use to go over the top, I hated it.
Hubby now asks wot I would like to do and wot I want much better, I can’t stand all the fuss and the awful SM posts about my perfect wife etc.

I'm female; I've learnt over the years that my DH really struggles with buying presents, so I now give him a long list of things I'd like & he chooses one or two of them. That way it's a surprise as to what I get but something I actually want.
DH does make a fuss on my birthday, mainly because the kids want to. We do similar for his birthday & make a big fuss on DCs birthdays - birthdays & Christmas are important to us.
Our Anniversary is less so - we rarely get each other a card but do usually try & go out somewhere without the DC.
As others say it's more about coming to an understanding of what works for you both.
If you want more on your birthday & your DH isn't doing that, then it does seem like he doesn't value your happiness.

DH and I have been together a long time, so for both of us a present is usually something we have said we want (or a chunk of money towards it if it's expensive) or a mutual present for Christmas or anniversary. But I would be sad if he forgot to get me a card.

I buy presents for my wife on her birthday- some things she says she wants and some surprises. I also take her out for dinner or, if she would prefer, cook at home and get champagne in. We don’t do cards.

Some posters on here seem to get annoyed if their partner doesn’t take the day off work for their birthday. My wife and I don’t go that far - if the actual birthday itself is on an inconvenient weekday, we celebrate on the next available weekend.

We don't buy each other anything for birthdays or Christmas. I think that is because we have a joint account and get things when we want. I also don't want anyone to buy me cards, ever. We are both on the same page though. We do acknowledge birthdays just by saying 'Happy birthday!' and we might go for a meal or drinks on that day, but we do this on days when we are not celebrating. He did actually surprise me with a gift on my 40th though.

If I had a DP who did want to acknowledge their birthday with gifts, I would be happy to go with it, but I can tell you now that my DH would not be as accommodating and it isn't through being tight, he's far from it, but he is lazy and not very inspirational when it comes to this stuff.

We are both men.

Woman here. My Dad hates birthdays and Christmas and doesn’t care if you don’t get him anything (of course we do, and he makes a polite fuss of loving the gifts). He thinks celebrating birthdays is ridiculous but tolerates it for us and says how much he appreciates the thought.

In 45 years of marriage, he has not once forgotten my Mum’s birthday and always tries hard to get her something she will like. Because she does love birthdays, and he knows it’s important to her. That is the important thing here. It’s about her feelings on that day.

My DP on the other hand loves any occasion to give a gift, and he's very thoughtful in his choices. I’d say a man who doesn’t “do” these things is fine, don’t do them for himself. If he cares about other people though he will think about what is important to them.

I asked my 25 year old adult son this as he has a lovely girlfriend.

He said that the effort he is going in now, got her a lovely birthday present ring with the date in there that is significant to them in it, then on her graduation this Saturday, he has gotten a necklace in the same design.

Why, well he said that he is setting the tone in their future relationship. He wants her to know how he appreciates her. She does the same for him mind. He said that yes they are in their honeymoon period now, but if the relationship, the people in it, are not celebrated, whether that be brithdays, christmas or a promotion etc, lack of that acknowledgement will leave the partner not receiving that special treat questioning their worth, is the relationship as good as they seem to you everyday, or has it grown mundane by your partner with no reason to celebrate those special moments.

DS said that he wants to keep the love alive, and any lack of effort from him or his GF will only leave the other party pondering if they are loved, respected and valued. And he would never want his GF to question this.

DS also advised that if his GF was to genuinely say she did not want any presents, then he would respect that too.

The men I know do not care about presents, either for other people or for themselves. Nor do they care about remembering any kind of anniversary etc.
I only know one man who makes an effort for these events.
However, a large percentage of them know that OTHER people care, and so (with varying levels of success) they do try and make an effort at times.
Personally, when I am forgotten it does hurt my feelings, but I don't believe you can force someone to change.
They either care or they don't.

Female here. I don't expect or want a big fuss on my birthday but I would be really hurt if it was forgotten completely. Ex-DH and I still acknowledge each others' birthdays and we're mid-divorce!

Birthdays are an opportunity to show the other person they're appreciated. Even if one person doesn't 'do' birthdays, if it's clear that the other person does then it's common decency to acknowledge their birthday in some way. I get that it's easy to forget dates (I have ADHD and have a poor memory) but that shouldn't happen more than once - annually recurring calendar reminders are a lifesaver!

Was my 54th birthday yesterday.not a card again,not even a happy birthday nothing.no gift but a happy birthday and a hug would have been nice.have a really pooly dog and a cat on top cleaning up sick plus a toothache.been cleaning up sicknot expecting much from him happy birthday or even a card would have been nice.not a word no card nothing.no offer of a takeaway, nothing at all.think he's a piece of shit to be honest.hes sat there again tonight watching rubbish on YouTube

I've never noticed "making a fuss over your birthday" to be especially gendered. Some people I know go to town on their birthday, others don't acknowledge it at all, there's no male/female correlation.

I'm not really fussed, I'll usually organise some low-key birthday drinks/gathering but it's more because I like any excuse to get together with friends and maybe have a bit of a party, it's not really a "make a fuss of ME!" deal. DP hates celebrating his birthday and won't even do that.

In our relationship neither of us are into material gifts at all but we take each other out for a fancy dinner for birthday presents every year - not necessarily on the day itself, often several months later at our mutual convenience. But I think we'd both be a bit miffed if the day itself passed with no acknowledgment at all (and I'm the only one who's fallen foul of that in 12 years, I spent the day thinking it was a different date and DP was certainly a bit put out!)

Iam so hurt today that I had to look up this question on google. It’s my birthday and for the past 14 years my husband has never cared. Since Iam so laid back he just simply brushes me off when it’s my birthday & Christmas. It hurts me so deeply because on Christmas I always have something for him and on his birthday I’ve at least gotten a-little dessert with a candle. But he never cares about me. Even though I’ve brought it up to his face he’ll say, “sorry” and forget again the next year. I don’t care about the gift per say, I care about the gesture. I’am suppose to be the most important person in his life and I never see him make an effort on my “special day”. I just feel so unwanted and un appreciated. I am so sorry for all the women who deal with this same situation. It really is so hurtful.

Not a man. I'm bad at remembering birthdays (including mine) except for a very few people.

Those people include men who are good at remembering birthdays. It means something to them, so I remember it when theirs comes around (more or less).

Not a man vs woman thing. My husband and my last two partners before him always made an effort with several presents (usually a big one and smaller, fun or little necessity presents - e.g. a golden necklace, neon pink socks and a book). I usually get a card too and my husband always also decorates the living room - each year different with balloons and a garland … it’s what we both love to do for each other.

So no - not a gender thing. More like personal preference.

since you’ve talked to him and he understands the importance of that to you and willingly disregards making an effort to- I would really check other aspects of the relationship too. Why wouldn’t he want to make you happy on your birthday?

I spoke to the man I've loosely been seeing on and off for the past two years about a night out on my birthday weekend and he seemed really keen. A week later he said he would be busy that whole weekend and the early part of the next week, mumbling some excuse concerning his daughter. I'm bloody disappointed