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Original poster

My partner wants to move but I don’t

28 replies

Flowersandfairies · 09/05/2023 20:08

Hi everyone, just after a bit of friendly advice please. I bought my house 6 years ago when I was single. I met my partner a few years later and a couple of years ago he moved in with me together with his 2 children. We have them a couple of nights in the week and every other weekend. We are expecting a baby very soon. The house is three bed, the girls have shared the larger spare room since they moved in and we have changed the smallest room into a nursery. My partner has mentioned moving a few times but recently he has started talking about moving towns (about 30 minutes away). I’ve always lived in this area and he lived in the other town before he moved in with me. I’m not keen on moving as all our family are here and will be helping out with childcare so logistically it would be a pain. House prices are more reasonable where we currently are so we will get more for our money and the local schools are really good here. I don’t really know what to do….

OP posts:
Clymene · 09/05/2023 20:10

Where are his children at school?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 20:11

Don't move, he can't force you.

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:11

What's his argument for moving?

MichelleScarn · 09/05/2023 20:13

How's he planning on financing his part of the new house?

Original poster
Flowersandfairies · 09/05/2023 20:18

Clymene · 09/05/2023 20:10

Where are his children at school?

Their mum lives in the town he wants to move back to so they go to school there.

OP posts:
Modaboutyou · 09/05/2023 20:24

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 20:11

Don't move, he can't force you.

That's not really how partnerships/relationships work especially when there will be a joint child involved.

Wendysfriend · 09/05/2023 20:26

If the pros outweigh the cons of staying where you are, you might need to list them and show him. If you are happy were you live, I would push to stay. I absolutely detest where I live and unfortunately can't change it. Happiness is so important.

Original poster
Flowersandfairies · 09/05/2023 20:26

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:11

What's his argument for moving?

That we both work that way but my argument is financially it doesn’t make sense as house prices are extortionate and I’d still be doubling back on myself taking the baby to family for childcare

OP posts:
DanceMonster · 09/05/2023 20:27

So he currently drives his children 30 mins to school a few days a week? I guess you can’t really blame him for wanting to be closer to his kids.

Original poster
Flowersandfairies · 09/05/2023 20:30

Twice a week, but he works that way anyway so goes past their school anyway.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 09/05/2023 20:31

DanceMonster · 09/05/2023 20:27

So he currently drives his children 30 mins to school a few days a week? I guess you can’t really blame him for wanting to be closer to his kids.

Yes but if they move op will the be driving the baby 30 mins to family providing childcare possibly 5 days a week

if you are happy and it’s your house I wouldn’t be moving, you do what’s best for yo8 and your baby, not two step children who are there two nights a week. If that means he has to travel 30 mins to see them, then that’s what it means

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:32

@Flowersandfairies I think you're right. He wants you to sell your house to facilitate his lifestyle and you don't want to, and will be the one losing out financially.

DanceMonster · 09/05/2023 20:32

Tinkerbyebye · 09/05/2023 20:31

Yes but if they move op will the be driving the baby 30 mins to family providing childcare possibly 5 days a week

if you are happy and it’s your house I wouldn’t be moving, you do what’s best for yo8 and your baby, not two step children who are there two nights a week. If that means he has to travel 30 mins to see them, then that’s what it means

Show quote history

I know, I was just pointing out that it’s understandable that he’d like to be closer to his children. I wouldn’t like to be 30 minutes away from mine.

DanceMonster · 09/05/2023 20:33

Not saying that the OP should go along with it, all things considered it doesn’t make sense. I just understand why he wants to.

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:35

Also, if you were to split up, for example, you'd be on your own with no nearby support network.

MrsCreek · 09/05/2023 20:37

Tell him that the only way you would be happy is if he bought a house in that town, you keep yours but potentially rent it out whilst you live in his. You aren't married, don't make yourself financially vulnerable. Chances are, he won't find what he is after within his single salary budget, and the subject will go quiet quite quickly.

Doyoumind · 09/05/2023 20:52

How old are his children? Are they in primary or secondary? Either way, they will only be there a matter of years and you will have childcare issues for much longer if you move away from family. I'm guessing he can only live there if you buy together. It all seems to be based on what suits him best.

Zanatdy · 09/05/2023 22:23

It doesn’t make sense to move, not if you’ll end up having to drive 30 mins every day to drop baby to family. If he see’s his children twice per week then makes sense for him to drive that distance twice a week rather than you 5 times. Plus more expensive house prices, no babysitters for nights out nearby. I’m with you

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 22:28

Absolutely not. Your home is your security.

StarDolphins · 09/05/2023 22:39

I would say no to this. He was happy with the 30min trip when he moved into your house & now baby is on the way, it doesn’t make sense to move. Whatever house you buy together, please protect your existing finances/house - too many people leave themselves financially vulnerable.

tailinthejam · 09/05/2023 23:05

Modaboutyou · 09/05/2023 20:24

That's not really how partnerships/relationships work especially when there will be a joint child involved.

Show quote history

It does when the OP owns the house.

Takeabreather23 · 19/09/2023 12:52

Your House /area was good enough when he wan to move in . No your pregnant and your tied more then he wants Sri change the goal posts.
Id stay exactly where you are .

USaYwHatNow · 19/09/2023 15:25

I love 40 minutes away from my family who will soon be provided childcare once a week for my 1yo. It's in the opposite direction of my house and work by 20 minutes. I'm grateful for the childcare but it's a PITA. Don't do it.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2023 15:44

Just out of curiosity and not that I think you should even consider it (I wouldn't), but exactly HOW does he propose to purchase/finance/title this house? Is he proposing that you sell your house and buy a new one in your name that he will then live in? Is he proposing his name go on this new house? What money is he proposing to put into this house to make an equal contribution? You'd be giving up 100% of your (now) security for 50% INsecurity if things should go wrong.

Right now, you are living comfortably in a home you own, near your family and your support system. A support system that will benefit him equally when your baby is born and you return to work. And he wants to you to exchange this by moving to 'his' town to benefit his children that you have 2-4 days per week, only 2 days of which involve a school run. As opposed to 5 days per week for your new baby's childcare by family. And of course, YOU would be the one doing the driving back and forth, not him.

Don't be a mug. There's nothing in this for you and your baby. And a great deal to lose.

Ihadenough22 · 19/09/2023 16:54

He is currently living in your house. You already have his children 2 nights a week and every 2nd weekend. Now you're pregnant and he wants to move to the town his kids and mother live in. He passes by his kids school for drop off and pick up's for his job.

Meanwhile the house are more expensive in this area so how does he hope to fund this move? I would get legal advice re keeping your house if you and him were to split up down the line as you not married. You don't want him to have a claim on your house.

Along with this if you move you spend at least a hour a day brining your baby to your family to mind. You have good schools in your area as well.
As his kids get older their arrangements will change but having support at the new born and small kid stage is invaluable for you. When your baby is a bit bigger having someone to mind them to give you a break is important.

I would also be cautious of moving to the same town as his mother because in time it could fall on you to bring her to shops, doctors and hospital. Over the past few years I have seen friends dealing with elderly parents. It hard going at times dealing with them as well as jobs, kids and partners.

I would not be selling your house to fund his house move to an area that does not work for you especially if you're not married.