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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left me, what do I do?

32 replies

EllaEnchanted1 · 09/05/2023 19:42

So I’ve been with my husband for 2 years and have a 6 months old baby with him, as well as an older daughter from a prev relationship.
We have had our issues in regards to his laziness and constant moaning about anything and everything, his standards are high despite him doing nothing within the family home or for the kids, I do everything.
despite this, he is a good man at heart and sometimes is oblivious to his ways!
anyway, yesterday we had a argument (he spoke to me rudely infront of my family at a party the night before) and this resulted in me saying ‘if you don’t like it then f**k off’, and he did…. Bags packed and off he went.
I said to him if he leaves then that’s completely done and this was his chance to sort things out by having a conversation with me and he refused and continued to leave with the dog and his bag!
a couple of messages were exchanged after he left but I now haven’t heard from him for over 24hours, I do not want to chase him and contact him but does this mean he doesn’t care?
I feel I’m being strong by not contacting him, as I keep saying to myself ‘don’t chase something that isn’t chasing you’ and ‘if he wanted to sort it out, he would try’.
Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 09/05/2023 19:45

He’s not a good man if he’d lazy and does nothing
he was vile to you in front of your family
why did his first marriage fail?
you have been strong so don’t back down now - give him a date and time to get his stuff and start to think about practical stuff re money, custody etc
Sounds like he was behaving badly and was happy you’d done the chucking out as he’s too weak to end things
you’ll be much better on your own

RelaxingClassics · 09/05/2023 19:49

Don't contact him right now. Take this time for yourself to figure out what the relationship is doing for you? You say he is lazy and doesn't contribute to the day to day of family life - how sustainable is this in the longer term? Do you want to spend your life being the only person to do everything? Does he respect you and your time? You say he is fundamentally a good person- what does he do to demonstrate this in your relationship?

Don't view this time apart from his perspective. Stop asking if he cares. Ask do you care and if so why?

MumCat2020 · 12/05/2023 23:33

Your heart will tell you if you want to chase him or not. Sometimes they just aren't worth it to you and you would rather be alone. There is no right or wrong, just go with your gut.

RabbitRabbitRabbitHouse · 13/05/2023 00:24

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all!

PaigeMatthews · 13/05/2023 00:26

Of course he doesnt care. He treats you like absolute shit. He might come back as long as you nevet question him or expect anything from him again. Youd be ridiculous to take him back.

this is a win. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 00:33

Another one saying good riddance.

He’s not involved in family life if he does not do anything at home.

Why do you think he’s a good man?

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2023 00:36

He's has high standards but doesn't maintain them himself, you have too. He's expecting you to come running. "He's teaching you a lesson...."

Stay strong...... You're not a skivvy

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 00:41

Good fucking riddance. He has done you a massive favour by leaving. Don't be foolish enough to take him back.

SarahSmith2023 · 13/05/2023 00:48

I'd chase him...

id want the dog back, then he could go to hell.

BackAgainstWall · 13/05/2023 00:53

Don’t ever chase.

caringcarer · 13/05/2023 01:34

Set your bar a lot higher. There are nice men who want an equal relationship out there.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 13/05/2023 07:34

What To Do When He/She Leaves advice.

May or May not fit. Excellent marriage counsellor .

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/1326

What to do when He/She Leaves? – Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/1326

FangsForTheMemory · 13/05/2023 07:45

I’ll bet he’s got someone else to go to.

MadeForThis · 13/05/2023 08:32

He's teaching you a lesson. Showing you how to behave. If you accept this his behaviour and treatment of you will get worse. He doesn't respect you.

Respect yourself. Let him run home to mummy and stay there. No contact.

Give it a couple of weeks and let him know when he can visit the baby for a few hours.

DustyLee123 · 13/05/2023 08:34

Be happy he left you, and that you dont have to continue to live with him !

Didimum · 13/05/2023 09:09

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2023 00:36

He's has high standards but doesn't maintain them himself, you have too. He's expecting you to come running. "He's teaching you a lesson...."

Stay strong...... You're not a skivvy

100% agree with this. He is throwing a tantrum and trying to teach you a lesson.

“despite this, he is a good man at heart and sometimes is oblivious to his ways!” - this is where your clarity has become skewed. What is a good man at heart? Certainly not someone who does any of the things you listed. You’ve just grown accustomed to subpar treatment because it seems easier than demanding better for yourself and your children. Raise your own standards on what a good man should be.

Jenypenny · 23/07/2023 21:53

His behaviour has shown he's 'not' a good man at heart. He's negative and he's rude to you in front of your own family. He does nothing in the family home or for the kids so he's not even a good role model.

You were right to call him out for how he spoke to you in front of your family and instead of apologising he got angry and chose to leave.

If he really cared he would have stayed and sorted things out with you, but instead he chose to leave.

His actions speak volumes.

Disrespecting you in front of your family and then turning things into an argument when you call him out on it sounds like someone who is not committed to your relationship.

You were right to pull him up for disrespecting you.

Don't worry about him ringing you. He's going to ring you when he's bored, or when the other person gets fed up of him.

Stay strong. Don't even chase him.

He will probably ring you (using the kids as an excuse) but more likely to see if you are missing him, or to hear you plead for him to come back so he can feed his need for power.

Listen to the good advice on here.

Don't put up with any more of his nonsense. Raise your standards. Start setting firm boundaries about what you will no longer accept in this relationship.

witnessprotection73 · 24/07/2023 00:08

Please don’t throw away your relationship because some man hating women tell you to do so.

I agree don’t chase him BUT if you want to try to sort this it doesnt sound beyond hope.

Perhaps some time apart will do you good & you can talk about things he does or doesn’t do that need to improve and he can do the same ( i will assume you’re not perfect)!

You’ve only been together 2 years, relationships do grow and do change as you develop. There is no reason yours can’t grow for the better of that’s what you want.

PaigeMatthews · 24/07/2023 07:19

witnessprotection73 · 24/07/2023 00:08

Please don’t throw away your relationship because some man hating women tell you to do so.

I agree don’t chase him BUT if you want to try to sort this it doesnt sound beyond hope.

Perhaps some time apart will do you good & you can talk about things he does or doesn’t do that need to improve and he can do the same ( i will assume you’re not perfect)!

You’ve only been together 2 years, relationships do grow and do change as you develop. There is no reason yours can’t grow for the better of that’s what you want.

Crikey, you have very low expectations and poor boundaries.

Jenypenny · 24/07/2023 08:28

Marriage is a partnership. This does not sound like a partnership, so of course at the first sign of an argument (which he created by being rude to OP in front of her own family instead of apologising) he couldn't leave fast enough.

He was probably looking to leave and too much of a coward to make the decision himself so this argument was a convenient excuse.

If he "" chooses"" to leave because you refuse to let him disrespect you then he cannot truly love you

I wonder if he would have been in such a hurry to leave if he had nowhere to go to.

OP well done for standing up for yourself. You were definitely in the right to tell him wots wot about the way he treated you. Let him see that you are not going to be a pushover.

And when he comes back(which he will, for whatever it was he was getting out of the relationship) saying he wants to work things out, there needs to be some changes so set some firm boundaries for yourself and the kids.

And you'll want to see 'permanent' clear actions to back up his words.

TheCyclingGorilla · 24/07/2023 08:31

Let him go to stew. But ask for the dog back.

Hibiscrubbed · 24/07/2023 08:58

Well, you were only together 8/9 months before you got pregnant. Unless you knew him for a long time, that’s not long to get to know him.

He sounds absolutely foul, and like he was after an excuse to flee. I wouldn’t bother to contact him. I would put in a claim for CMS.

Hibiscrubbed · 24/07/2023 08:58

Also this (which I see on so many threads about substandard men) is patently untrue:

despite this, he is a good man at heart and sometimes is oblivious to his ways!

witnessprotection73 · 24/07/2023 09:00

PaigeMatthews · 24/07/2023 07:19

Crikey, you have very low expectations and poor boundaries.

Show quote history

Um no I don’t…

Hibiscrubbed · 24/07/2023 11:38

witnessprotection73 · 24/07/2023 09:00

Um no I don’t…

Show quote history

You must do if you’re encouraging a woman to chase a man of this exceptionally low calibre.

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