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Original poster

Lovely Widower

37 replies

Shortperson · 09/05/2023 18:17

Hi…

Just want someone to talk to!

I met a really sweet man in February through a mutual hobby, we’ve met for walks, coffee and some lovely meals out. He’s thoughtful, kind and generous.

His wife died at Xmas after a 2 year illness and he cared for her to the end,. He has two adult children whom he adores and sees as often as he can.

Ive fallen in love (I’m divorced for years with 3 grown up children) with him and I thought he felt the same. He says he loves my company and has invited me on holiday for 5 days later this year. He can’t bring himself to say he cares as he gets emotional. I asked him if he liked me and he said,’more than that’,

He’s arranged for a couple dates soon for places I’ve wanted to go..it’s been so great. He’s come to my home several times and stayed and I’ve been to his place for dinner. He gets nervous around me as he says he never expected to find someone so soon. He is very affectionate but cries sometimes.

I give him a lot of space as I know he’s still grieving, I don’t pressure him, I stay positive and just enjoy what we have.

He is going on a sort pilgrimage for several months to raise funds his wife’s illness which I knew about and I support him.

The only concern I have is that I’ve never met his children - he says that they are too fragile, I’ve never met his family, friends or acquaintances. He goes all family gatherings on his own. Weekends are often reserved for family and his children.

its very early days but I can’t help feeling that he’s not serious about me I’ve thought of asking him where our relationship is going. I don’t want to hurt him when he is so vulnerable.

Most self help groups advise me to ask how he feels so I have certainty, others say wait for a year and see how it goes.

He wear his wedding ring which he says he will wear for a year and a day.

We are both in our sixties.

I just wish I knew where I stand.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/05/2023 18:22

Aw c'mon, OP. You've only been seeing him for two - three months.

His wife only died four months ago.
No wonder he isn't ready to introduce you to his family. He's probably feeling really guilty because he met someone so soon after his wife died. Can you imagine how his adult children would feel to meet you? They're all grieving too.

You need to give him time and space. You're asking for too much, too soon.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/05/2023 18:23

He sounds lovely (as do you!) but it is very soon after losing his wife. I would be very concerned that his feelings for you might be a sort of reaction to his grief and loss and not a true reflection, at this stage, of what your relationship could grow to be.

I definitely wouldn't want to meet his children yet. Can you imagine losing your mum at Xmas and your dad's got a new girlfriend by May? I think they would find it very upsetting. I think about a year is probably sensible. Let them get through all the "firsts" as a family unit. First birthday for each of them and hers, first wedding anniversary, first xmas, first anniversary of her death, etc.

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2023 18:27

He has said where you stand - he “more than likes you” - he is probably falling for you but has grief and guilt to handle too, which you don’t - your heart is already free.

And he has a lengthy trip away planned - very lengthy in the context of how long you have been dating. Let him go on that and see how things are when he returns.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 09/05/2023 18:28

Widow here which may give some perspective.

Give the poor man some time, don’t push him to say how he feels about you and stop worrying. Yes, he likes you, he also feels grief and probably guilt about finding someone so soon after losing his wife.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/05/2023 18:29

I think it’s lovely that you have found each other. However, I think you need to move at his pace. It sounds like he’s still very much actively grieving, which is to be expected as it’s early days for him. I agree with the PPs that it would be too soon and too raw for his adult children to meet you. I know someone who moved on very fast from his deceased wife and his children really hated him for it and it put a lot of strain on their relationships with him. Give it time. There isn’t any need to rush.
I think you also need to protect yourself and be realistic, to be blunt, he might currently be trying to fill the space his wife has left in his heart. It will be hard for him to know what he feels this early on. You might be a stop-gap, so tread carefully.

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2023 18:30

I definitely would not read too much into you not meeting his kids yet (and I wouldn’t even if the bereavement was a while back) - they are adults and you have only been dating 3 months.

ballsdeep · 09/05/2023 18:33

Op you need to back off. He’s lost his wife only four months ago. No wonder his children are fragile! I wouldn’t put all of my eggs into the basket with this one I’m afraid. I think he’s just in to for the company but is still at the very beginning stages of grief

Effieswig · 09/05/2023 18:37

I am afraid to say you don’t really know the real him. You know who he is when grieving. I am not saying he is purposely deceiving you.
My mum died Christmas 2021. Dad told me he was going to start dating about 6 months after. I was happy for him. Mum had been ill for a few years and his social circle was very small.

He was always really upfront with women he dated that he didn’t know how it would go and he was looking for company. They tended to women around his age (late 60s) that were happy to also just have some company. 2 have become good friends (non romantic).

losing mum changed dad. It changed me. It’s only now 18 months later that either of us feel scraps of normality. Dad actually stopped dating because he realised he was dating just to pass the time. He has started to enjoy the freedom of not being attached. He is going away with a male friend this week.

I fear you are falling hard for someone that you are only getting to know while they are also going through grief. I can honestly say if you met me last February (weeks after mum died) you would recognise the before me or the me now.

I do have to say that if Dad tried to bring his dates to family events, less than 6 months after my mum died, I would have been upset. I supported him dating 100%, my sibling didn’t. But asking for a new girlfriend to be involved in family events would have been too much for me. I think you are expecting a lot, thinking about this so soon.

Twattergy · 09/05/2023 18:39

Let yourself enjoy the relationship and forget about meeting his kids. You are all adults and tbh his kids don't have anything to do with his feelings for you. If you are someone who needs to be fully integrated into a family straight away then dating someone recently bereaved is probably not going to work for you. He sounds so nice and genuine, so do try and give him time and space. But ultimately if you can't get what you feel you need, be kind and move on.

quietheart · 09/05/2023 18:39

Wow you met 2 months after she died, at most, his own and his children's grief comes way before you needing to know where you stand.

I’m in my sixties and I don’t know why you need this validation. I’m sure my father has more respect for me than to introduce me to a new woman 4 or 5 months after my mother’s death. He could crack on it’s his life but it would take me a while longer to want involvement, if ever.

Original poster
Shortperson · 09/05/2023 18:39

Thanks for your thoughts - it’s helped a lot.

I have backed off a lot - I wait for him to contact me and we get together when it suits us both

The last thing I want to do is frighten him away.

A lot can happen from when he goes on his pilgrimage for both of us.

You are so right about his children!

Great advice - thank you so much

OP posts:
margaritainthesunshine · 09/05/2023 18:47

OP, here's the view from an adult's child's perspective! My mum died in March and by September, my dad was having dates with a new friend. I absolutely didn't want him to be lonely but it was way too soon for me to meet her. It would have felt like we were somehow dishonouring mum and it took me 12 months before I could think about meeting up with them. When I did I could see serious they were and how happy they made each other but at that point my heart was strong enough to handle it.

You really need to give this chap time, time and more time. Let him grieve and be there for him and allow this to develop as its own pace.

Original poster
Shortperson · 09/05/2023 18:53

Thank you.

OP posts:
ChrisPPancake · 09/05/2023 18:55

How many threads are there on here berating people for introducing their dc to a knew partner too soon?! It's been 4 months since their mum died. I think I would respect him more for the fact he hasn't just jumped in with both feet tbh.

TheShellBeach · 09/05/2023 19:39

ChrisPPancake · 09/05/2023 18:55

How many threads are there on here berating people for introducing their dc to a knew partner too soon?! It's been 4 months since their mum died. I think I would respect him more for the fact he hasn't just jumped in with both feet tbh.

I have to say that I agree with this.
No matter how old someone's children are, it is always very complicated for them to meet a possible new partner.

This is the case even with adult children. More so, in many ways.

OP, I'm glad you've decided to back off a little. Time will tell if this friendship is going to develop into anything serious. I know you're both in your 60s (as am I) but let the man grieve properly. A year down the line isn't really very long.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 09/05/2023 19:57

I'm with a widower. We met about 7 months after his late wife died - sometimes that just happens. We've been together four years now.

However. If I were in your shoes, I would stop seeing your chap in any romantic way. He needs to be ready, and it doesn't sound like he is, unsurprisingly. It's not easy dating a widower, and if I had my time over I wouldn't do it again. Just my opinion.

SunflowerTed · 09/05/2023 20:57

Shortperson · 09/05/2023 18:17

Hi…

Just want someone to talk to!

I met a really sweet man in February through a mutual hobby, we’ve met for walks, coffee and some lovely meals out. He’s thoughtful, kind and generous.

His wife died at Xmas after a 2 year illness and he cared for her to the end,. He has two adult children whom he adores and sees as often as he can.

Ive fallen in love (I’m divorced for years with 3 grown up children) with him and I thought he felt the same. He says he loves my company and has invited me on holiday for 5 days later this year. He can’t bring himself to say he cares as he gets emotional. I asked him if he liked me and he said,’more than that’,

He’s arranged for a couple dates soon for places I’ve wanted to go..it’s been so great. He’s come to my home several times and stayed and I’ve been to his place for dinner. He gets nervous around me as he says he never expected to find someone so soon. He is very affectionate but cries sometimes.

I give him a lot of space as I know he’s still grieving, I don’t pressure him, I stay positive and just enjoy what we have.

He is going on a sort pilgrimage for several months to raise funds his wife’s illness which I knew about and I support him.

The only concern I have is that I’ve never met his children - he says that they are too fragile, I’ve never met his family, friends or acquaintances. He goes all family gatherings on his own. Weekends are often reserved for family and his children.

its very early days but I can’t help feeling that he’s not serious about me I’ve thought of asking him where our relationship is going. I don’t want to hurt him when he is so vulnerable.

Most self help groups advise me to ask how he feels so I have certainty, others say wait for a year and see how it goes.

He wear his wedding ring which he says he will wear for a year and a day.

We are both in our sixties.

I just wish I knew where I stand.

You are rushing things here. You have a broken hearted man who is nowhere near over his wife and his children would probably be horrified to know he has a companion so soon. ( and I’m not judging as I’m married to a widower) Sorry but you are being totally unrealistic and need to have a large dose of sensitivity here!!!

bettycat81 · 10/05/2023 07:13

Having personal experience of dating a widower I would step away.

He is still, very much, married in that he is still actively honouring his late wife. He still wears his wedding ring and he is going on this pilgrimage. Even he recognises that not enough time has passed where he can be proud enough to be in a new relationship.

I would step right back, let him have his year and a day and then revisit the relationship then.

There are a few forums out there for women dating widowers. They mainly fall into one of two camps...

Those willing to accept what is termed a three heart relationship that includes the
widower, the late wife and you and those who want the late partner to be separated from the relationship.

As a previous poster said, these relationships are not easy. They require a firm foundation, strong boundaries from both of you and an acceptance that not everyone will like it. Mine did not survive. I will be very cautious about doing it again.

TheShellBeach · 10/05/2023 16:05

Are you having sex?
If not, have you mentioned it to him?

Watchkeys · 11/05/2023 09:11

You're not going to be his priority for quite a long time, nor is 'letting you know where you stand'.

He has to grieve, and he has to take care of his children. If you are not able to allow him to do that, then what you are calling 'love' is more about your ego than about loving him. I suspect that's the case anyway, since you're calling it love having only known him 5 minutes.

You're looking at waiting years before he'll (possibly) be able to offer you the relationship you're looking for. Ask yourself if that's where you want to spend your life; wondering indefinitely if he'll ever want to truly commit to you. Also ask yourself if there are any patterns in your life of developing feelings for unavailable people.

Modda · 11/05/2023 13:42

Wow. Way way too early to introduce you to his DC, adults or not. They've just lost their mum.

MouseTime · 11/05/2023 13:49

This is nuts. As previous posters have said it's so soon after the death of his wife.

He will need lots and lots of time and his kids might need even more.

Did you genuinely think you should have met his kids by now?? That's hard to imagine.

Enjoy it for what it is and see where it goes. Don't try and rush the relationship.

gymwars · 11/05/2023 13:57

It's just too soon for him to be "moving on". I would just accept that you're just good friends for now, and see where it takes you without putting pressure on him.

Camillasfagwrinkles · 11/05/2023 14:58

As the child in this scenario, I would say go for it if you are happy to have a laid back relationship where he just gives what he can and the two of you enjoy each other's company. If you have designs on something more, like marriage, you're better off backing away now. It can get very messy, very quickly and I guarantee the kids will not be happy.

fluffiphlox · 11/05/2023 15:00

Poor bloke probably doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Ease off.