Reassure me breaking up is right decision

[dayofmeh]

Sorry for the length but didn't want to drip feed.

Been with my bf for 3+ years, we are both 37. I decided to end things with him yesterday because our relationship is stuck with no progression. I had made it clear in the early days of dating that I wanted marriage and kids by the time i was 38 - he had agreed at the time and said he understood the biological pressures. He has always maintained he would want to be married before having kids, so I know he isn't against the idea of marriage.

We still do not live together. Initially this was ok because he had just bought his first flat and was renovating it which took 2 years (why it took soooo long is another story). I already have my own place and had offered for him to stay with me while he did his own up but he preferred staying with his mum as she lived closer to his place than I did, and he was doing most of the work himself. I reluctantly accepted this as I felt I still lived close enough for him to travel to and from.

Anyway, we still live separately as now he is now enjoying living in his new place and doesn't want to rent it out just yet. And it's far too small for us both to move into. But we spend most of our week with each other, discuss and know each other's finances/spending habits, and have done long periods of travel so we know we can cohabit comfortably. We agreed that we didn't need to live together before getting married, and once married would move into my place, then sell both places and buy somewhere together.

Which brings us on to getting married. Last year he said it would be best if i put some timelines so he had something to plan towards. We both agreed later this year (Sept/Oct) for marriage - no wedding, just us going to registry office and honeymoon straight after, but he wanted to propose. I checked in with him in Jan if we were still on track as at work i need to book my holidays well in advance. He said Sept - we bought tickets for our 'honeymoon' and both took the time off.

We talked again in March and he said he wasn't sure he was ready as we hadn't lived together....We agreed he would spend most of the week at mine, however this never happened as there was always a reason he needed to be back home. It got to April and he said he felt Sept was too soon as he wasn't sure our relationship was strong enough. That we've been arguing recently (over his reluctance to move in, and his about turn on readiness for marriage!). So we agreed 21 May as the absolute deadline for him to figure out what he wanted. Yesterday, he told me he thought my timeline was too rushed and marriage still felt like an alien concept to him. That it feels like a big step. So i asked him what timelines he preferred - he admits he doesn't know!! But doesn't want to break up, can't imagine his life without me, just needs more time but doesn't know how much more time or what new information he needs to help his decision.

So basically, it feels like doesn't want to marry me and is just dragging his feet. I ended it with him yesterday as he doesn't like my plan, doesn't have his own plan and we are just stuck. He can't seem to understand why I don't have unlimited time to give him at my age! I still love him but it's making me feel really deflated that he keeps coming up with excuses to not marry me. So please tell, did i do the right thing or should I be more understanding?

@xfan You really are a nasty bastard, aren't you?

@xfan why would I care if some men think it's "last saloon stuff"? I'm not pizza, I don't have to please everyone. Just the one man who's right for me. But you're welcome to my ex who's now single and you clearly think is such a great catch.

I'd go it alone... its just easier all together

Most men will recognise that your age alone is going to be the reason you push for a baby rather than actually getting to that place organically. Would you ha e been half invested in this relationship if you were in your 20s? I doubt it.

Well, of course my age is the reason I would push for a baby! The same way age dictates when people want to move out of their parent's home, or reach a certain point in their career, be settled down, or have their own home. Why would you think a woman wanting things at certain points is bad - like something she needs to hide.

Relationships are based on matching age, wants, compatibility at any age. There will be women desperately broody at 25, and women desperately broody at 35, and women who never want kids- and there is a man for all of these women. Men are not a homogeneous mass who all think and act the same way, and hit all the same milestones at the same age. And neither are women. Plenty of men also get broody and want a family/kids in short order, and looking for a woman on the same page. I know with full certainty that the minute my ex gets to the point of readiness himself he'll be married with kids within a year with whatever woman he is then dating. And won't care at all how fast he is moving or how "last chance saloon" he may appear. It's just life that he and I weren't compatible.

I think your view of the world is that men are a prize to be won. They're really not - you get to call the shots as much as they do.

But you clearly still want a man to have a baby with otherwise you'd be going it alone so yes they are a prize and a very important one since you need them to procreate with; you're not prepared to try an alternative route (and by doing so literally make the man redundant in the process).

I want a man to have a life long partnership with and I want to have a baby as a wonderful complement to that partnership. So if I am in a relationship, I absolutely want a baby and that baby needs to happen on my timelines (since i'm the one having it...). Do I want a baby badly enough to have it on my own - I'm not so sure. It's like sex - I absolutely want it as part of a loving, long term relationship and would be a deal breaker if sex was bad or not happening. But am I going to get into a relationship just for sex? No. Am I going to go it alone and have casual sex on demand, because I desperately want it? No. I can go without sex if not in a relationship tbh, I don't crave it in the same way when single.

And no, men are still not a prize because they are equally getting a LOT from me - they get my time, companionship, love, financial stability, physical intimacy and the chance to have me as mother of their child if that's what they want. So they're only a prize, if they see me as a prize. And if we're both prizes to each other - it's just a partnership.

That's a nice fairy tale narrative while time keeps ticking away and your fertility dwindles ..good luck with OLD, plenty of dross to sift through.... I'm sure there just might be one desparate enough to settle too in the 11th hour....

I think i'll prob do alright thanks because I'm not bitter. I've been through a divorce and my last relationship ending - and I still don't see dating/OLD/men like you do. And I also don't see having a child as a route to fulfilment/happiness. Anyway, hope I meet a man desperate enough to settle in the 11th hour - means we have compatible needs, and he's my person! I hope you find some happiness in your life, no matter what route you take.

You sound amazing op, you're absolutely right in that there will be men out there wanting the same thing you do, I hope you find one!

I feel sure that the OP will find a man who can spell and construct sentences too.

Stick to your guns OP, you have wasted enough time with a guy who is unwilling to give you want you want.

Yup, you want different things you need to split up ASAP.

I'd second going it alone. I don't fully understand the practicalities but better than relying on someone else.

You sound incredibly smart, ignore the bitter little man who keeps popping up.

Searching for new dross is better than staying with the dross she's just got rid of, who was never going to have the balls to commit to a proper relationship. Pathetic of him, really.

You sound like a really nice person OP and there are nice guys out there for you. Guys who are around your age and would like a family.

Not sure who @xfan is, but their posts make no sense and they're bitter and nasty.

Ignore xfan posts, absolutely ridiculous. Of course you have a good chance of finding a normal nice guy who also wants to settle down and start a family with you. And if course that would be preferable to doing it alone, why wouldn’t it? Your ex was just stringing you along so well done for recognizing that and leaving him. Good luck OP!