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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is 43 old to be starting anew?

37 replies

Helpots · 09/05/2023 10:31

Some of you may have seen my desperate posts on here, re my H leaving me after months of our marriage breaking down.

I'm clearly not yet ready to get back out there and I assume this is a common fear in separation but I'm so scared that I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life, and the thought overwhelms me. Me and H had been together for 13 years, married 4 years, he's raised my daughter as his own since she was 7. I thought life and the future was settled at our ages

Please send me positive stories of how once the dust settles, you can find love again in your mid-40s - I never felt old until this happened to me

OP posts:
sladys · 09/05/2023 10:35

Sorry you've been having such a tough time Flowers

I'm a couple of years younger (not much) but once I was happy being single and enjoying dating etc I'd say it had the opposite effect on me. I feel younger and more alive than I had in a long time.

Take time to heal and when you're ready to get back out there you might be pleasantly surprised!

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 09/05/2023 10:37

I met now dh at 41..
We had a dc when I was 43! Been married nearly 8 years.
Oh and he was 31 when we met!
In a pub!
Spend some time just being you op.

Original poster
Helpots · 09/05/2023 10:38

@sladys thank you - can I ask how you even go about dating? My H and I knew one another from school so he already knew me when he asked me when we were 30

Also have any of your dates turned into anything serious? I'm really missing having my partner by my side

OP posts:
MrLbz · 09/05/2023 10:39

Why are you scared to be on your own?

You need to get out of that mindset before you even think about dating, it won't lead to good choices.

Mari9999 · 09/05/2023 10:43

OP, you are going through a difficult time. Maybe your focus should be on restructuring a life in which you can become financially independent and emotionally available for yourself and your daughter. Finding love should not be your priority . Finding independence as a strong and capable role model for your daughter is perhaps where you should be channeling your energy.

Stratocumulus · 09/05/2023 10:46

I worked with women in a large organisation, more mature than you, who divorced and started up positive new dating/partnership experiences. Most used On line dating (OLD).

One of them in her late fifties met a guy via OLD and they’ve been together ten years. They’ve sailed into retirement together.

Life turns on a sixpence so bide your time, choose carefully and before you know it, you’ll find love again.

sladys · 09/05/2023 11:04

Helpots · 09/05/2023 10:38

@sladys thank you - can I ask how you even go about dating? My H and I knew one another from school so he already knew me when he asked me when we were 30

Also have any of your dates turned into anything serious? I'm really missing having my partner by my side

Might not be what you want to hear right now but I spent 2 years completely single, followed by 4 years of OLD wit mixed success.

You need to be think skinned for OLD and not take it too seriously. Try and enjoy it and have a laugh. I had a few flings of 3-4 months each and a fair number of disappointing/unsuccessful dates.

I then given up on meeting someone long term and met my current DP in real life (I was a client of his work).

I think the key was that I'd accepted being alone and was content with my life

Tiger2018 · 09/05/2023 11:04

OP I met a lovely man from a dating site (late 40s, divorced). Before then I met some interesting people. My goal never was to rush into another relationship. I'd already had children too so that wasn't a motivator either. Instead, I took my time, enjoyed my new found freedom and did things that I could never of imagined while being married. There is no rush.

Original poster
Helpots · 09/05/2023 11:19

Thank you all for replying. I'm just so scared for my future, I feel lonely, unloved and I'm scared about security as I get older - I thought I had all of this and it's been torn from me.

I know I have to find myself again, and that will take time, but I'm looking for reassurances that I'm not too old to find again what I thought I had

I'm feeling so very sad and scared at the moment

OP posts:
MumLass · 09/05/2023 11:25

Helpots · 09/05/2023 11:19

Thank you all for replying. I'm just so scared for my future, I feel lonely, unloved and I'm scared about security as I get older - I thought I had all of this and it's been torn from me.

I know I have to find myself again, and that will take time, but I'm looking for reassurances that I'm not too old to find again what I thought I had

I'm feeling so very sad and scared at the moment

I'm separated from my husband, have been since the start of the year. We were together 19 years, married for 16. I felt like you at first, terrified of the future and of being lonely. I have great friends though, two wonderful kids and a busy social life. I have toyed with the idea of OLD but to be honest I actually don't have time! I'm happy with that for now. I love time to myself, and when I have the kids with me I want to focus on them. Any spare time I am off out with friends or doing hobbies.

I think you would do better finding enjoyment in your own life first, don't rush into anything as you are likely to end up with the wrong man. I do sympathise, the fear of being alone is bone-crushingly awful but you don't need a man to avoid that.

Citygal3 · 09/05/2023 13:02

You can find love again but you are likely to find the wrong man if you rush into it due to a fear of loneliness. It’s much better to find yourself and get comfortable with your own company and life before introducing someone else into your life. You need to be careful OLD are there are so many players who have mastered the art of love bombing to get what they want. It can leave you feeling even more devastated that you feel now.

twinklystar23 · 09/05/2023 19:46

Just to echo others' not been in that situation myself but try to focus on yourself and your existing relationships and build from there. Small steps and small goals. Try not to focus on the longer term at the moment, try to make the most of the here and now, who knows you might eventually decide that life without a man is equally enriching!

Findyourneutralspace · 09/05/2023 19:50

I know this feeling well. I’m mid 40s and have been single bar a few dalliances for around five years. I won’t date for the sake of it and I’ve come to the conclusion OLD isn’t for me right now, but my mum found love again in her 50s and had 20 happy years with a wonderful man, so there is hope.
Don’t overthink it. It’s a funny feeling, but it’s time for you right now.

CocoaAglow · 09/05/2023 19:55

I separated from first husband at 40. Two happily single years, although money was tight and I had teenagers to support with very little help. Did a bit of online dating but nobody stood out. What was a confidence boost was that they all wanted a second date.
Met DH at 43 through a friend's introduction. No fireworks to begin with, but he was decent and kind. Been together 15 years and married 10. Very happy together.
A lot to be said for getting good at being alone before settling down again.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/05/2023 20:05

You’ve just been through a painful loss, OP, so you need time to get over that and find what makes you happy in your own life. Don’t rush into things with a new man while you’re still raw and vulnerable.

DH and I met through friends in our late 40s. When you’re ready, let friends know you’d welcome their help in meeting someone — sometimes people presume you’d be offended by any match-making efforts.

I’d also accept all social invitations, try new hobbies and interests, anything that gets you out and meeting new people.

Best of luck, OP. Both DH and I thought we were too old to find a soulmate, but it happened. Still happy together many years later.

Jota67 · 09/05/2023 20:15

I would echo pp that you need to get happy being alone or at least comfortable.

I split from my ex at 43 and had a couple of years of casual dating and then decided I couldn't be bothered and focused on family, friends, fitness , redecorating my house etc and good holidays .

Met THE MAN at 46 when I decide to look at Tinder in my home city for first time in years . Was on it for 2 days only and he had only just joined it . He is my best friend , best sex in the world and makes me laugh every day.

You will be fine. When you are ready you will meet someone but take your time and love yourself first.

I don't NEED a partner I'm fine on my own but I am with him because I WANT him and he makes my life happier.

You will get there
This time will pass 🤗

GreyCarpet · 09/05/2023 20:16

Oh, god, of course you're not too old!

I separated from my husband at 37 and was single (by choice) for 10 years. I dated a bit here and there but had no intention of having a serious relationship until my children were older (they were 6 and 13 at the time).

I focused on work, hobbies, friends and I had a great time. I did a lot of work on myself and I'm almost unrecognisable from the person I was back then.

One of the things I did was join a band and I've been with one of the other band members for around 18 months now.

It's better than any relationship I've ever had.

halfthesun · 09/05/2023 20:18

Hello, met N in 2020, holidays in 2021, engaged 2022 and getting married this year. Could not be happier. I am 50. Split from ex in 2016 - we had been together since we were 20. Met N on Tinder Daffodil

Flowertight · 09/05/2023 20:19

Your focus really shouldn’t be on finding another partner. Focus on your self, be happy in your own life before you want to partner with someone else’s

offyoufuckcuntychops · 09/05/2023 20:23

You're not remotely too old.

I divorced in my mid 40s and have a partner (someone I knew previously through work). OLD would not have been for me.

Sex is far better in your mid-late 40s as there's no risk of pregnancy so you can shag as much as you like, whenever you like (only with the same person, in my case, but still).

However, we don't live together because there is also a lot to be said for having your own house and your own life too. We have 5 adult DC between us, and it's also much less complicated if they all have their respective 'homes' when they come back from uni etc, without having to accommodate their mum's/dad's partner and children. When you're not doing stuff together, you can eat when you like, do what you like, and decorate your house however you like. Don't rule all of that out in your haste to replace your husband!

offyoufuckcuntychops · 09/05/2023 20:24

BTW, I'd been married for over 20 years when I got divorced.

northernlight20 · 09/05/2023 20:29

exh and i divorced when i was aged 40, met my fiance age 41 and we'll be marrying the day before i turn 43. starting again aged 40 was the best thing that's ever happened to me to be honest. knew exactly what i wanted in a partner and wasnt prepared to compromise even if it meant being single forever

HamBone · 09/05/2023 20:41

My Dad and step-Mum were both widowed and got together in their late 60’s, married at 70! You have plenty of time.

Goatbilly · 09/05/2023 20:56

Nobody can guarantee that your next relationship won't also break down. Nobody knows if any relationship will work out, you can only retrospectively confirm that.

Why do you feel unloved? Do you have family or friends who love you? Romantic love is far more conditional and unpredictable, it's not good to be relying on that long term for any source of validation. It's nice if it works out, but more often it doesn't appear to.

Plus, you also want to think carefully who you might be introducing to your daughter, she has already experienced upheaval.

asquideatingdough · 09/05/2023 21:00

Separated after many years of pain at age 47, one year on my own, six months half hearted OLD, saw DP on tinder, blissfully happy ever since. Best relationship of my life. Please never think you are past being in love and being loved.