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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so stupid

37 replies

WibblyWobblyLane · 08/05/2023 18:32

I have no one I can tell in real life and I'm not sure what the purpose of this thread is.

I've been dating a guy for about 5 weeks. It's been lovely; lots of long walks, meals out, meeting for coffee. He seemed really interested and when we met told me his was looking for a relationship and to settle down.

When we went out Friday night he said he still felt really nervous around me and is usually really cool etc so I felt like his feelings were genuine. We ended the evening having sex, later that evening sent him a text to let him know I'd got home OK but heard nothing back. He usually texts in an evening asking how my day was etc and he hasn't messaged since. I opened the conversation but radio silence.

I'm so mad at myself for believing him and allowing myself to get used like that and my self worth and confidence are feeling pretty bruised. The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened - lots of promises, seeming completely into having a relationship then just ghosting randomly. What am I doing wrong or not seeing?

OP posts:
Asking4Opinions · 08/05/2023 18:40

When would you have been comfortable being with him? I’d say set your own timelines and follow them regardless of what the guy says… it’s his behaviour that’s the problem. Not yours. But sometimes we have to take an even more conservative approach to protect ourselves I guess

Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 08/05/2023 18:44

I was comfortable on Friday, I felt 5 weeks was fairly Conservative, which makes it all the worse because it feels like he's hung on to win some kind of prize, and now he has, I'm not worth keeping around.

OP posts:
qqq82 · 08/05/2023 18:47

It's so common and very hard to tell the genuine ones from the arseholes sometimes so don't beat yourself up
I had a guy chase me for 4 months , as soon as he got his notch on the bed post he was gone

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 19:10

I think there should be a special place in hell for men who do this. I am so sorry. This has happened to you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 19:10

Please ignore typos!

SeulementUneFois · 08/05/2023 19:15

What a prat!

And how stupid...I don't get it.

So it was worth it to him "putting in" 5 weeks for sex?
But if he'd stuck around he'd say have gotten sex again surely for 1 extra week. (Sorry - what a crappy way of looking at it.)

So is sex only worth it if the first time with a new woman? What kind of warped logic is this??

Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 08/05/2023 19:20

SeulementUneFois · 08/05/2023 19:15

What a prat!

And how stupid...I don't get it.

So it was worth it to him "putting in" 5 weeks for sex?
But if he'd stuck around he'd say have gotten sex again surely for 1 extra week. (Sorry - what a crappy way of looking at it.)

So is sex only worth it if the first time with a new woman? What kind of warped logic is this??

That also went through my mind. Surely for the amount that was spent in petrol money for meet ups, coffees, he paid for dinner twice (I did offer to go halves!) at pretty nice restaurants, he could have spent on a sex worker if that's all he wanted.

OP posts:
almostoverthehill · 08/05/2023 19:23

I hope you used protection

QueefQueen80s · 08/05/2023 20:20

Exactly, with their logic why not hang around and get sex for a month?
These are not men you wanna get involved with.. they see women as prey and want to spread their seed far and wide, quantity over quality.

YRGAM · 08/05/2023 20:48

Not to be harsh but maybe he just didn't like the sex/didn't feel you were compatible in that area? If men like sex with someone they tend to want to have it again

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/05/2023 21:00

I have no interest in dating, l stopped looking to a man to make me happy and guess what? Never been happier. Don't waste your time , effort and money, invest in yourself, become your own happy ever after. So much easier.

Worriedmum40284 · 08/05/2023 21:05

YRGAM · 08/05/2023 20:48

Not to be harsh but maybe he just didn't like the sex/didn't feel you were compatible in that area? If men like sex with someone they tend to want to have it again

If this is the case, he should at least have the respect and courage to let you know he doesn't think you're compatible. Appreciate that would still hurt but ghosting is just awful.

OP, I have a theory about these sorts of people. They have commitment issues, don't want to settle down (but will say they do) and jump from person to person. They don't see an issue with this in the short term as it's all a bit of fun to them. I reckon it catches up with them though, eventually those around them will settle down/move on/move away etc and it suddenly goes from a bit of fun, to a bit of a lonely existence. Whereas you will find your person or your happy spot and this will be a distant memory. And, if he crops back up at this point (they seem to have a way of doing this) make sure to ghost him right back. His loss, not yours.

Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 08/05/2023 21:11

I just can't wrap my head around how they can treat people this way. I mean, he seemed so nice and genuine, he is a social worker so must have some empathy? It just completely breaks my brain because his actions and persona were everything I believed a good guy to be.

If it was because the sex was bad (I had considered it, after pushing out 2 humans it might not be what he's used to) he should have at least had the decency to break it off properly with me. That's the worst bit, I am completely left assuming what went wrong and it leaves me feeling like maybe I'm too fat, or ugly, or bad in bed, I have this really ugly mole on my back that I'm self conscious off, but now I'll never know, and that makes it somehow even worse.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 08/05/2023 21:19

You did nothing wrong, sadly this happens a lot especially with online dating. It’s happened to me and has put me off dating or taking it seriously anyway, I don’t think you can really trust someone after 5 weeks or even 5 months. Try and draw a line under it and not over think it, he was the problem not you.

Hottoffeesauce · 08/05/2023 21:34

It's not you, you know that, right? You sound very nice and 'normal', he sounds like an idiot. Buy yourself a new vibrator, some chocolate and a new outfit. Forget him and live your life!

2023issucky · 08/05/2023 21:38

If a man can't handle a woman who's grown and birthed two humans and has a mole, be glad his gone. Major loser!
I'm sorry your dealing with that crap but it's says a lot about him and nothing about you. You felt it was the right time in a relationship and he clearly saw it as a way to get sex.

EndsandBegins · 08/05/2023 21:39

I’m not sure why he would change his mind literally straight after sex to the extent that he couldn’t even text a single word after you said you had got home safely. How rude. If he didn’t want to see you again, he should have told you politely.

Maze76 · 08/05/2023 21:48

Some people are just arses.. on to the next!

OhComeOn123 · 08/05/2023 21:51

What a wanker

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 08/05/2023 22:26

Why did you wait five weeks before having sex? I'm not blaming you, if course he is a wanker, it's a horrible thing to ghost people specially after the first night they have sex.
But I'm wondering: didn't you want it? What makes an adult wait five weeks for sex? (Supposing there is chemistry)

BackAgainstWall · 08/05/2023 23:05

At least you know what he’s really made of now. Who wants weak and shallow.

Don’t ever go by what they do for a living or how gentlemanly they might seem. They are often the worst.

Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 09/05/2023 05:08

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 08/05/2023 22:26

Why did you wait five weeks before having sex? I'm not blaming you, if course he is a wanker, it's a horrible thing to ghost people specially after the first night they have sex.
But I'm wondering: didn't you want it? What makes an adult wait five weeks for sex? (Supposing there is chemistry)

Logistics mostly. We've both got very young kids so most of our dates have involved a family member staying with the kids. Friday was the first night one of us actually had an empty house. And 5 weeks has only been 5 dates so not too bad if you frame it like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 09/05/2023 05:36

I woke feeling much happier; it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 09/05/2023 05:55

Theres a term that I hate but which explained so much to me about men and some of this crappy behaviour 'post nut clarity'...awful but I came across it once and found a reddit board that was later closed down. It disturbed me bevause id never quite realised they could be like this. Basically once they cum they can quite literally feel nothing, no matter what they felt before - its gone. Worse, they can sometimes feel angry, violent.

Losingweightissohard · 09/05/2023 06:10

Look at it this way at least you know now what kind of a person he is rather than 10 or 20 sexual encounters down the line. It’s not you it’s him even if he did say it’s you why would you believe him? Stop basing your self worth on a guy you’ve only known 5 weeks. He did a shitty thing ghosting you after sex is cowardly. Move in and onto better things.

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