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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so stupid

37 replies

WibblyWobblyLane · 08/05/2023 18:32

I have no one I can tell in real life and I'm not sure what the purpose of this thread is.

I've been dating a guy for about 5 weeks. It's been lovely; lots of long walks, meals out, meeting for coffee. He seemed really interested and when we met told me his was looking for a relationship and to settle down.

When we went out Friday night he said he still felt really nervous around me and is usually really cool etc so I felt like his feelings were genuine. We ended the evening having sex, later that evening sent him a text to let him know I'd got home OK but heard nothing back. He usually texts in an evening asking how my day was etc and he hasn't messaged since. I opened the conversation but radio silence.

I'm so mad at myself for believing him and allowing myself to get used like that and my self worth and confidence are feeling pretty bruised. The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened - lots of promises, seeming completely into having a relationship then just ghosting randomly. What am I doing wrong or not seeing?

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/05/2023 08:09

Oh this sucks

I think this is why I tend to DTD fairly soon
I’m not saying this is right however !

im also baffled by his mentality also

you’d think he’d want to return for a repeat round wouldn’t you ?

how was the sex ? Did he seem to enjoy it ?

anyway anyone who disappears and can’t communicate is UGH 😑

im sorry this hit your confidence 🫂

Cherryflavouranything · 09/05/2023 08:14

It’s the chase. That’s what they get excited by. You’ll probably hear from him again, but not for a while. He’ll wait until he thinks he has almost blown it, then the chase starts again 🙄

You should probably just block now.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 09/05/2023 11:56

WibblyWobblyLane · 09/05/2023 05:08

Logistics mostly. We've both got very young kids so most of our dates have involved a family member staying with the kids. Friday was the first night one of us actually had an empty house. And 5 weeks has only been 5 dates so not too bad if you frame it like that.

Show quote history

Thanks for replying, I was genuinely curious, and it all makes sense. As a PP said, I personally prefer to DTD sooner than later to avoid this kind of man (and to see if we are sexually compatible). In your case, I'm glad you're feeling better. It's him, not you. Ghosting someone is shit, at least now you know. Good luck!

AllOrNothingSituation · 09/05/2023 12:23

Doing it sooner you will attract more of these kind of men not less

Livelifelaughter · 09/05/2023 16:12

I think although it's 5 weeks it's actually 5 dates and it doesn't sound as though you speak each day. So all in all it sounds like very much the start of a relationship...did you discuss whether you were boyfriend/girlfriend? I suspect that if he sent a message ending things immediately after sex or called you it would have been polite but not necessarily better.
I used to think it was worth waiting before having sex but then I met someone and we didn't have sex for 2 months and found the sex pretty poor so the relationship ended. Now I would have sex if I was sure that this was someone I saw myself dating so maybe after say 4 dates in a week or so; I really think it's a waste of time hanging around for a month or so and then finding the sex doesn't work. Sorry OP, it's still a rubbish thing to happen to you.

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/05/2023 23:21

Sorry this happened to you, the guy is an idiot and you deserve better.

minkymini · 10/05/2023 09:05

supercali77 · 09/05/2023 05:55

Theres a term that I hate but which explained so much to me about men and some of this crappy behaviour 'post nut clarity'...awful but I came across it once and found a reddit board that was later closed down. It disturbed me bevause id never quite realised they could be like this. Basically once they cum they can quite literally feel nothing, no matter what they felt before - its gone. Worse, they can sometimes feel angry, violent.

Just googled this . What an eye opener.

Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 12:50

Men can be pushy, some much more than others. You do you. Don't let a man dictate when you do or do not have sex. This is such a low thing for someone to do. I hope you never get him again and if you do, you should say you're off to the loo and just not go back! He deserves it petty and all as I sound! Taking you for walks and dinner and coffee, what an effort just to use someone for sex. He's really pathetic. I hope you ordered the most expensive things on the menu lol!
Maybe look for a diff type of man, if you have a type?

minkymini · 11/05/2023 13:46

Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 12:50

Men can be pushy, some much more than others. You do you. Don't let a man dictate when you do or do not have sex. This is such a low thing for someone to do. I hope you never get him again and if you do, you should say you're off to the loo and just not go back! He deserves it petty and all as I sound! Taking you for walks and dinner and coffee, what an effort just to use someone for sex. He's really pathetic. I hope you ordered the most expensive things on the menu lol!
Maybe look for a diff type of man, if you have a type?

I wonder if he was Married or coupled up ? It seems strange to put all that effort in . At least the op got wined and dined first . Just seems odd that he hasn't got in touch .

Original poster
WibblyWobblyLane · 11/05/2023 18:10

Update: last night he text me telling me about his evening, no explanation of his lack of contact I'm nearly a week and then nothing more. I have a really common first name, so I'm wondering if that was an accident and he is talking to multiple women at the same time? It was so weird and out of the blue.

OP posts:
TeaCosyApplePie · 11/05/2023 18:12

I'll bet he's married OP- I had a boyfriend years ago that disappeared for long periods like this. He blamed it on depression but he was actually shacked up with his not so ex. I had no clue. Block and ignore him!

MadeForThis · 11/05/2023 18:27

He's setting you up for more sex at the weekend. Also testing your boundaries.

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