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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

pushed with money to do what I do not want to

48 replies

nothealing · 08/05/2023 16:49

Long convoluted story will try to be brief. I am divorced so is my DP. large age gap. 10+ years. He has adult children, I am childless. Each of us has a property. Since my settlement he tries to control my money and makes spiteful comments about what I should or shouldn't spend on. He is forcing me to take a mortgage with him and buy a big house. I am happy in my apartment and do not want to do it. To punish me he starts arguments every weekend about how shitty the flat is (yet he lives here), that his house is much better (I do not like his house, it is really not my cup of tea and full of former marriage memories). He withdrew sex and is really awful. I asked him many times to split up as it is best solution. He doesn't want to. I am not sure what to do? He comes back to dinner on a table every day, his clothes are washed, sheets in his bedroom changed, I get to look at his miserable face all the time, I can not spend my money the way I want and he tries to control what I do. He told me he will move out to his house and spend few days there as he loves his house but he still wants to be with me and come to my place but I do not understand what for?! We do not have sex for over 2 years, we do not go out, all he does here is sits and complaints about everything. I started thinking he just wants me as his carer and strings me along. I feel really depressed and trapped as if I will never be able to get out. He moans about money as if he is waiting for me to bail him out. there is a lot of mixed messages about money with him. He earns a lot more than me yet each month starts argument how he can not afford anything and lives in my shitty flat and drives my car. He can afford a car of his own but I guess he just doesnt want to spend the money. He could move to his house in the middle of nowhere but I guess he realised he would have to clean, cook and wash himself. I do not invest into future with him because he is not nice to me, his adult children are rude to me and I just do not think I need to put up with it. Am I being used? Please be gentle I am already really down about all this. How do I get out?

OP posts:
Whadda · 08/05/2023 16:52

I am not sure what to do?

You pack his bags when he’s out, leave his stuff on the doorstep, and have the locks changed.

You have no legal ties to this man. Take advantage of that fact.

If he gets aggressive, call the police.

Shoxfordian · 08/05/2023 16:55

Tell him it’s over; don’t ask and tell him to get his stuff and go. Call the police if he gets difficult

Watchkeys · 08/05/2023 16:56

Why are you asking him if you can split up? You're aware that both parties need to be willing, for a relationship to continue, so, if you stop, the relationship ends, whether he wants it to or not?

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 08/05/2023 16:57

You don’t ask him to break up, you tell him you’re breaking up with him. What does he bring to the relationship?

Original poster
nothealing · 08/05/2023 17:04

I will add that I am scared of him. When I listen how he speaks about other people I can safely say he is vindictive hence I fear he will be like that towards me if we split up. I think it requires a bit more planing than just saying it is over. I tried few times and said it and he dismissed it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/05/2023 17:06

What are you scared of? Words? Violence? Actions?

AlloftheTime · 08/05/2023 17:09

Do you have someone who could support you? A good friend or relative who could be in house with for a few days?
please phone women’s aid for advice and support.

Unananana · 08/05/2023 17:13

Pack his stuff while he is out, put it outside and change the locks.

Why would you want to have sex with this dreg of a man? Don't sign paperwork for a mortgage.

You hold a lot of power in this situation. Use it.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/05/2023 17:13

Your flat you say? Kick his worthless disrespectful abusive arse out, close the door behind him and never ever speak to him again.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/05/2023 17:15

if you work, take a day off: Pack his stuff, change the locks and inform him that if he approaches the property after collecting the stuff you will go to the police.

Bittercup · 08/05/2023 17:17

You are worth so much more. Please walk away and don't look back.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 08/05/2023 17:20

Please do not get a mortgage with this abusive A hole.
You deserve so much more.

ColdHandsHotHead · 08/05/2023 17:23

You are actually in a very good position but I think his behaviour has made you forget that. You don't have children to worry about. You have your own home so why not change the locks so that he can't get back in? Get a friend or family member to stay with you for a few days if you are nervous.

Coyoacan · 08/05/2023 17:23

It sounds like you could with some therapy. It is so obvious to the rest of us that you just need to boot me out but it is not to you

StrongTea · 08/05/2023 17:25

Make sure he can’t access your bank account, change all your passwords etc. Hide the car keys so he can’t use it. Pack his stuff and tell him to leave, change the locks. Don’t take a mortgage out with him and hopefully you haven’t signed anything re the mortgage. You won’t be making him homeless he has somewhere to go.

Cabella · 08/05/2023 17:25

@nothealing
Echo what previous posters say, it's your flat and you should tell him to pack his bags and leave. If you prefer to do it surreptitiously, read Rosie Duffield MP's account of how she banished her abusive partner, this account is online to read. In summary she waited for her former partner to have a shower, and Rosie knew exactly how long he would be in the shower. She then changed his front door key to a blank key, so he would not have access to her home again when he left for work, and she had packed his bags ready for his return, either these bags were left near the house or in another safe location, so he could take his own belongings but nothing else.
Best wishes OP Flowers

Nearamir · 08/05/2023 17:35

Your fear of him is clouding the obvious solution to this, which is obviously to end the relationship. Enlist the help of a friend to stay with you, change the locks, call him and end it.

Maray1967 · 08/05/2023 17:49

Get rid of him - follow the advice in previous posts. He is using you.

PurpleReindeer2 · 08/05/2023 17:52

He is abusive. He is trying to control your finances and take advantage of you. Get some support in real life. Tell him it's over, clear his stuff from your flat. Get the lock changed so he can't get access. If he threatens you contact the police.

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 17:56

Call women's aid and ask for advice.

Then ask a friend or two for help. Organise a schedule where you tell him it is over. Put his belongings outside or leave them somewhere safe for him to collect. Change the locks and block him. Call the police if he kicks off. Have someone stay with you for a week or so and definitely have someone there through all of the dumping process.

Campervangirl · 08/05/2023 17:59

Let him go back to his house for a few days then pack up any of his belongings and change the locks, park your car a few streets away, send a last message "this relationship is over" then block him.
Stand firm, if he gives you any trouble you call the police.
You deserve better than this

Newestname002 · 08/05/2023 18:00

If you financially entangle yourself to this man by having a mortgage with him, or any other finance, you will just make life much more difficult and you will be more trapped than you are now. Whilst you are scared of him now, it will be worse when you are in a worse financial position because your funds will have gone in a house you don't want. You don't even have a good relationship now - he is treating you and your home, car and money as his property and someone who provides for him ("He comes back to dinner on a table every day, his clothes are washed, sheets in his bedroom changed, I get to look at his miserable face all the time, I can not spend my money the way I want and he tries to control what I do.")

An earlier poster suggested you take a day off work (DON'T tell him you're doing this) and get the locks changed immediately. Get a chain on your door and ALWAYS use it before opening the door. If you can, get a Ring type doorbell installed as well so you are notified when visitors approach your door.

If he's got your car keys, get a steering wheel lock for your car so he can't take it anywhere.

Try and get a friend or family member to be with you to help pack his stuff and leave it outside your home for him to collect and when you tell him (by phone, text etc not face to face) that you are no longer in any type of relationship with him.

If he knows any of your passwords (eg Netflix, Sky, Amazon etc) change them the same day you change your locks so he can't change them and lock you out.

He doesn't have to agree to the split - the decision here is with you.

Good luck OP - and strength so you can get out of this dangerous situation and have a better future. 🌹

Original poster
nothealing · 08/05/2023 18:24

@Unananana thank you - could you elaborate on the power bit please? I am so lost I probably do not notice things. What power do you mean? Knowing it would help me rebuild inner strength I feel I lack atm.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 18:26

Whenever I read a thread like this, my heart does a little happy dance when I realise you're not married and don't have children together.

You need to be really strong but you can do this. As others have said you need to change the lock. The comment about Rosie Duffield exchanging the key on the key ring is a brilliant idea.

Personally, I wish there was a service similar to a taxi where a group of really big guys would take the belongings of the violent man and take them to his house and tell him what would happen if he went near you again. And I know that's not legal, but you know what I don't really care.

Iloveacurry · 08/05/2023 18:27

Whadda · 08/05/2023 16:52

I am not sure what to do?

You pack his bags when he’s out, leave his stuff on the doorstep, and have the locks changed.

You have no legal ties to this man. Take advantage of that fact.

If he gets aggressive, call the police.

This. Just do it. He sounds awful.