Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

pushed with money to do what I do not want to

48 replies

nothealing · 08/05/2023 16:49

Long convoluted story will try to be brief. I am divorced so is my DP. large age gap. 10+ years. He has adult children, I am childless. Each of us has a property. Since my settlement he tries to control my money and makes spiteful comments about what I should or shouldn't spend on. He is forcing me to take a mortgage with him and buy a big house. I am happy in my apartment and do not want to do it. To punish me he starts arguments every weekend about how shitty the flat is (yet he lives here), that his house is much better (I do not like his house, it is really not my cup of tea and full of former marriage memories). He withdrew sex and is really awful. I asked him many times to split up as it is best solution. He doesn't want to. I am not sure what to do? He comes back to dinner on a table every day, his clothes are washed, sheets in his bedroom changed, I get to look at his miserable face all the time, I can not spend my money the way I want and he tries to control what I do. He told me he will move out to his house and spend few days there as he loves his house but he still wants to be with me and come to my place but I do not understand what for?! We do not have sex for over 2 years, we do not go out, all he does here is sits and complaints about everything. I started thinking he just wants me as his carer and strings me along. I feel really depressed and trapped as if I will never be able to get out. He moans about money as if he is waiting for me to bail him out. there is a lot of mixed messages about money with him. He earns a lot more than me yet each month starts argument how he can not afford anything and lives in my shitty flat and drives my car. He can afford a car of his own but I guess he just doesnt want to spend the money. He could move to his house in the middle of nowhere but I guess he realised he would have to clean, cook and wash himself. I do not invest into future with him because he is not nice to me, his adult children are rude to me and I just do not think I need to put up with it. Am I being used? Please be gentle I am already really down about all this. How do I get out?

OP posts:

AgnesX · 08/05/2023 18:31

Are you being used? It certainly sounds like it.

Why are you tolerating it; whatever else you do, do not enter into financial partnership and seriously think about cutting your losses and parting company pronto.

Temporaryname158 · 08/05/2023 18:33

Book a locksmith for during the daytime. Take a day off work (if you work) and pack all his stuff up and ask a mutual friend to hold onto it for you.

tell him you don’t want to go out with him, where to get his clothes (he won’t be aggressive with someone he isn’t in a relationship with) and that if he contacts you in ANY way or turns up at your home you will call the police, and go through with it if he does.

billy1966 · 08/05/2023 18:43

Good advice.

You need to involve the police, tell them you are terrified of him.

Get the locks changed.

You can do this.

Box his stuff up and get it delivered to his house after the locks are changed.

Make it clear to the police how terrified you are of him and that he has no right whatsoever to be in your home.

That he is bullying you to invest in property.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 18:45

Be very happy you arnt married

if you really are unable to end it
call womens aid and get a Soliciter to write a letter

you can do this ! Just take a deep breathe and muster up support in real life x

trisfreya · 08/05/2023 18:46

I asked him many times to split up as it is best solution. He doesn't want to. I am not sure what to do?

You're a grown up - if you dont want to be in the relationship, you dont have to be

bevelino · 08/05/2023 18:47

Run for the hills and don’t look back. He sounds awful.

onthefence23 · 08/05/2023 18:49

Oh op I feel so sorry for you ! I've been exactly where you are and it's awful. I was with an awful abusive controlling man and even though I owned the house and we were not married it was not as simple as telling him it was over. Women's aid helped me with please contact them

EndsandBegins · 08/05/2023 18:49

You are allowed to end this relationship. It sounds awful. Make a plan and be determined to stick to it as it sounds like he will get nasty. Do you have anyone to support you?

Original poster

nothealing · 08/05/2023 18:50

yes you are all right, thank you but I feel I have to be more gentle with all this. he is well respected in his circle, everyone looks up to him, I feel small and silly around him even though I am not actually. it is just his attitude towards women that is generally a bit from above as if he is better than you and always hard done by women. he has a strong support network of friends and family, my family and friends are abroad which I also think he uses as a form of manipulation. he knows I have no one to turn into for help. oh dear what a mess. no I certainly would not sign any papers. I have been saying no for a long time now and been accused of not wanting future together. well no I do not want it.

I just want you to elaborate on the bit where few of you mentioned I hold the power here - please tell me more so I can draw strength from it. thank you

OP posts:

Talia99 · 08/05/2023 18:56

You are not married, he has no legal right to your flat and you aren’t financially dependant on him.

You have the power because he can’t make you stay in a relationship with him and you don’t have any of the outside factors that sometimes keep a woman stuck in a bad relationship.

If you are concerned about his reaction to a breakup, I would suggest calling a DV charity like Refuge for advice on how to boot him out safely.

WhoToBeToday · 08/05/2023 18:59

You have the power because in no way, shape or form do you need him.

You have your own property, job, car. You do not have kids you have to co-parent.

You can just end the relationship and done.

You do not need him.
Your life will be better without him.

Day off, book a locksmith, dump his bags outside the door.

No more moaning, freeloading, complaining, expecting you to wait on him. How wonderful will that be?

Honeysuckle16 · 08/05/2023 19:02

Nothealing, you do have a lot of power but this man has made you feel you don’t. You have your own home and income so you can be self-sufficient. It is within your power to choose who you allow in your house. If you don’t want someone in his house, they must legally leave when you tell them to (unless they have a tenancy agreement with you). The police would back this up.

You also have the power not to be harassed by anyone, for example as this man is harassing you by refusing to end your relationship. Again, the police would back this up if he kept calling at your house when you told him not to. You could even get a protection order forcing him to stay away from you.

I understand you saying he is well respected by others. It would be best, therefore, for you to behave graciously and courteously while still insisting the relationship is over.

I agree with others that you should take a day off work soon, have the locks changed then text him to say he should come to your flat for the last time, at a certain time, and he’ll find his belongings outside your door. Tell him not to try to enter. Then block him on your phone.

After that, go to work as usual but be ready if he approaches you to tell him again that it’s over and he shouldn’t come near you. Get your phone in your hand and be ready to call 999 if he continues to harass you.

Good luck. I think you’ll be much happier by yourself.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 08/05/2023 19:12

It is your flat.

You have no financial or legal ties to him, you simply get a locksmith round, change the locks whilst he's not there and never let him in again.

Pack up his stuff and leave it out the front for him to collect.

Honestly, it's that simple.

Who cares what his support network is like, none of them are your problem, you never have to speak to any of them again.

Your relationship has ended, it's over, end of story.

Honestly, you will feel so much better once this man is out of your life.

Original poster

nothealing · 08/05/2023 19:19

and ladies why do you think some of us attract men like that?

(he was very nice and kind, my problems and mortgage pestering started when I got my settlement money)

I feel like he will not stop until I agree. I will not agree obviously but he already told me that in life he always gets what he wants.

why are these men like that? seems like there is a lot of it around.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 19:30

just want you to elaborate on the bit where few of you mentioned I hold the power here - please tell me more so I can draw strength from it. thank you

in simple terms the law is on your side
there is a law against coercive control
for this very reason

you can’t end it as you are scared of his reaction !
if he was nice you’d sit him down and sadly end it

you know this ! The very fact you are here shows that

SpacePotato · 08/05/2023 19:38

He was very nice and kind, my problems and mortgage pestering started when I got my settlement money

Yes, because he's only interested in your money. Imagine getting a large mortgage with him. He'll find a way of completely shafting you so you end up with nothing.

unsync · 08/05/2023 19:40

Contact Women's Aid for support. If you need to get the police involved if he gets nasty, call them. It is what they are there for. Once he has gone, do the Freedom Programme or similar to ensure you are able to have better relationships in future. Let us know how you get on.

Soproudoflionesses · 08/05/2023 19:49

Yoy don't aak him if you xan split up.
You tell him it is over and ----tell him to go fuck himself he sounds awful

2bazookas · 08/05/2023 20:01

Why on earth haven't you thrown him out? He's a leech sucking you dry.

EekGoesTheBaby · 08/05/2023 20:18

He doesn't get what he wants this time. You can do this, OP.

PoshHorseyBird · 08/05/2023 20:55

This is how you hold the power:
You have your own property.
You have no children with him.
You are financially independent of him.
You don't need him in any way, shape or form.
It sounds like he contributes nothing to your life at all. Throw his stuff out the door, change your locks and tell the police you are worried he may be nasty. Text him, tell him it's over (remember he has no choice in this matter! He cant just 'dismiss' it! ) and if he contacts you you will report him for harrassment. Then block him. If he does turn up at your door don't speak to him, don't answer him just ring the police.

Hurryupandleave · 08/05/2023 20:59

If it's money he's after then I agree you need to plan carefully and have support in place because he's not likely to give up easily. PP's advice to contact Women's Aid is vital I think in your circumstances, you need help with a safe plan to get him out and then robust support to keep him out or he will just keep pushing and overriding your wishes.

BeverlyHa · 08/05/2023 21:03

get rid ASAP

Flip

1 2