How did you make better choices in men?

[something2say]

Hi,

I'm seeking stories from people who changed their dating and relationship habits for the better.

I'm 48 and unmarried. Not fussed about getting married, but have always wanted a long relationship. Longest has been five years so I'm not getting it right.

Going backwards from now...

Man who was AMAZING in bed, but social attitudes dreadful (would euthanase disabled people) and was a tea total senior corporate, where I'm a semi retired hippy who likes a beer.

Before him, a man who had £20k of debt. Lovely man, treated me amazingly but risky with money. I got engaged to him, but the spending killed my live and trust.

Before him a man at work who was unavailable. I wasted a year wanting him.

Before that, five years with a man who was mean and controlling. Early days, he showed up at mine where I had music on after work and said, this won't work if you're going to play loud music.

I simply HAVE to start saying no and raising my standards when they show signs. I had a terrible childhood of course, and was stuck in it with no escape and I think it's that that trips me up. 'Oh well, itll do'. But this last one has hurt me. Even looking at his corporate pictures, a blind man could see he is not right for me.

Has anyone been through this? How did you manage to change? I have a list of what I want but I get emotionally involved quickly. I also cannot have casual sex, I'm not able to maintain emotional distance. I thought the most recent guy would be just a lover so things didn't matter, but it was getting more serious and I was constantly worried about how he would fit into my life. I think I'd have been better off knocking it on the head after the first date.

Help!

Do 'being happy single' first.

If you learn to treat yourself well, any new partner will have to compete with that: you being treated well. They'll have to treat you equally as well as you treat yourself, or they'll make your life worse. If you start from a base of not being that good to yourself anyway, then you can accept that someone has crap bits that make you feel rubbish; you didn't feel that good before, after all, and sometimes they're really nice to you.

What are yo like when you're single? Do you thrive?

I certainly do thrive yes. I enjoy my alone time. But I miss sex and someone to be close to.

I like the nice bits and gloss over the flags.

What is it you miss about being close to someone, other than sex?

At the age of 47, I improved things for myself by swapping my man for a woman! Much more loving, emotionally available, power-balanced relationship!

No a choice available to most people, given that sexuality doesn't change on a whim. Glad it worked for you, but no t sure of the relevance here.

But it seems you are getting better. The last few weren’t mean or abusive, just incompatible.
Instead of thinking about how the last few were wrong, think about how they were right.
Was the corporate man in response to the man with debt?

Someone to share things with, go places with, team up with.

The five year one who was mean also didn't want much sex so I was starved there and I swear it had a detrimental effect.

I think for me now, it's no casual sex as I can't do it, and no more 'it'll do' non suitable relationships.

Thank you for your replies.

The man with debt was so loving and kind.

The corporate man had a history of cheating through his marriage and always tons of unread WhatsApp messages. But if he was only a lover, who cared?? It just underlined the fact that he was a lover only. But I got emotionally involved as sex so good.

It’s relevant in the sense that sometimes we look in the wrong places for what we want/need.

I couldn't have a relationship with a woman tho, I'm mostly het...

I think the best way to approach dating is "it's ok to judge if I'm going to f-"

Man has a massive debt? Im sure there is a story with a lot of nuances as to why, but it's not my problem and I'm not going to make it one

Man acts like a twat? There are a LOT of people on Earth, nobody has time to give second chances to make a good impression to every single one of them

Questionable social attitudes? If I ever feel like arguing with bigoted men I'll go on reddit and find these "trad wives lovers" to argue with, I won't ever date one

Basically life is short and if someone, especially someone 30yo or older, seems problematic in any way, shape or form I'd move on. If they show some nasty colours early on then there is probably something worse they're hiding and there is no point waiting to find out

I have ridiculously high standards, I will only go out with men who are IT experts, own their own company, have a driving license, are TT and share my hobby. I also refused point blank to live with a BF until we'd been together at least 5 years.

I might need to be a bit more like you then, last two posts.

I'm.a musician which means I practice most days and place that ahead of most things. Non musos want dinner and tv, not me.

I need a music fanatic who has good politics etc. I've got to really raise my bar and stop settling.

But people do change.

One of my closest friends lived happily with another woman for 15 years till they amicably split up, then fell in love with a man and happily married him.

I’ve also known many women who came out as lesbians in middle age, not necessarily having considered themselves bisexual before.

You could learn something by finding out what they thought of you. If you still have a reasonable relationship with any of them ask them for a frank opinion of you. And don't get angry about their opinions! Try to read them objectively. They might just be worth thinking about and maybe making some changes in your behaviour [easier said than done].

Maybe this awareness that you have now is part of the process — maybe it's a good thing?

You can't fundamentally change who you are. But you can act with more knowledge about yourself and awareness about where you've tripped up in the past. You know more about the kind of guys who get under your skin but don't serve you well now than you did previously. That knowledge is hard-won!

@something2say I think part of it is also knowing own limitations - a bit like you did just now. You know you easily grow attached so you acknowledge that trying to have just a physical affair was probably a bad idea.

If there are things that bother you they will continue to bother you even if "morally right thing to do" would be to overlook them. I think the man with debt is a good example of that - money may not be everything but how someone manages their finances will have an enormous impact on everyday life. Some people are fine with it and can work through it, some cannot and it is important to be honest with oneself whether you can actually accept certain things.

It is a bit like when a man says he would never date a single mother - the reaction is often negative, but at the very least this person is honest and does not put himself and others in a doomed situation. Even if it earns him a side eye.

For me I think self love is the most important thing. Men should be like... adding spice to an already solid dish.

They should make a good life even better. Otherwise there's no point adding them.

If the foundation isn't good, the spice is pointless. And if the spice doesn't work with the dish or you start to take a dislike to it for any reason, just stop using it. Maybe try something else.

I think we need to drop the idea of perfect matches and fairytale partners. They're company thats all. Added spice. We should be able to take them or leave them. Our journeys primary focus should be ourselves.

Have you had counselling recently? Your choices sound so awful, is it because your self worth is so low, that you think you don't deserve better?

Why are you not looking for a nice ordinary, bloke, who is interested in you, treats you nicely. Ask what their relationship history is, how well do they get on with family, how they interact with their friends and other people, will tell you so much. But maybe you don't have the skills or be able to spot these basics, or spoke the red flag to see that the above isn't there!

Do you know many couples who DO have good marriages, good boundaries, treat eachother well?

You can't advise someone to try women when they have no interest in them. People do change, but they generally feel curious to explore, rather than accept advice to try romantic relationships with people they don't feel they're attracted to.

Thank you for the feedback.

June, yes I am acting with more insight now definitely. In fact this is the first time I've ever said, right, this is it. Mr Right or no one.

I like living alone too, i do not enjoy sharing my space.

PaintedEgg, you are right. I need to own my limitations and just be generally more strict and boundaried. And braver, in the face of a nice man who, for whatever reason is just not right.

I also agree with Bonbon, a positive addition or nothing. I get attached and like the togetherness and don't want to leave when they fuck me off. I need to act on bad things that spoil it. I learned as a child to get by anyway but I'm too old to lie to myself now.

Oblo, it's not that so much, it's more a feeling of....we can solve this? Change it? But they remain the same.

That's what I dont act on. Things that upset and worry me dont end, despite many conversations. I think they will but they dont, and then I'm five years in, thinking 'I've had enough of this.' Then I leave.

Do I have positive role models? Not really. Most of the relationships I know of I would leave. I have always maintained my independence for that very reason.

Thank you for hashing this out with me. I'm doing a lot of thinking as I really want to change this pattern.

Being extremely particular is not the same thing s as having high standards. Some women would say that you have low standard as by 5 years, they'd expect to be married and living together. There is also no shortage of nasty, game obsessed chauvinist nerds who work in IT as well.

I've never "changed" my dating habits, but I always have very good partners. Here is what I do:

• don't settle. In the early stages I see men as changeable. If he does something wrong or shows bad behaviour, I dump him really quickly

What this essentially means is I usually dump most men after 1-3 months of dating. Then I meet someone good (eg my current partner - kind, super handsome, successful job etc) and stay with them

If he started behaving badly to me, however, I'd leave...

I guess it comes don't to having the confidence to go after people you want, and not settle!!!

The one life lesson I have learned in recent years is to stop myself adopting people, and that includes romantic interests. No matter how lovely, charming, outstanding in the bedroom, kind or knowledgeable someone is, if they are not on an equal footing in life then they make poor dating partners. I am guilty of adopting and rescuing, and seeing the best in people. I used to reframe events told by men about their terrible ex's, their poor financial investments, their drop-out educational history or sketchy work history as challenges that could be overcome and solved with the right woman (me). I have learned that you cannot change people unless they want to change, and if you start making excuses for their attitude or behaviour then they are not the right match. If they behave badly or do something shifty, or if they lie about something trivial then it shows who they are. That leaves not a lot of suitable prospects left on the horizon by mid-life, but it is surely better to be single than stuck with some shoddy excuse for a partner who becomes another 'job' to juggle in the day.

MsCactus, thank you - that is what I need to do.

Nope, nope, nope, nope. nope - YES!!