How did you make better choices in men?

[something2say]

Hi,

I'm seeking stories from people who changed their dating and relationship habits for the better.

I'm 48 and unmarried. Not fussed about getting married, but have always wanted a long relationship. Longest has been five years so I'm not getting it right.

Going backwards from now...

Man who was AMAZING in bed, but social attitudes dreadful (would euthanase disabled people) and was a tea total senior corporate, where I'm a semi retired hippy who likes a beer.

Before him, a man who had £20k of debt. Lovely man, treated me amazingly but risky with money. I got engaged to him, but the spending killed my live and trust.

Before him a man at work who was unavailable. I wasted a year wanting him.

Before that, five years with a man who was mean and controlling. Early days, he showed up at mine where I had music on after work and said, this won't work if you're going to play loud music.

I simply HAVE to start saying no and raising my standards when they show signs. I had a terrible childhood of course, and was stuck in it with no escape and I think it's that that trips me up. 'Oh well, itll do'. But this last one has hurt me. Even looking at his corporate pictures, a blind man could see he is not right for me.

Has anyone been through this? How did you manage to change? I have a list of what I want but I get emotionally involved quickly. I also cannot have casual sex, I'm not able to maintain emotional distance. I thought the most recent guy would be just a lover so things didn't matter, but it was getting more serious and I was constantly worried about how he would fit into my life. I think I'd have been better off knocking it on the head after the first date.

Help!

Er, there will be lots of disappointed people if we give the impression this is how female same sex relationships naturally work!

@something2say I’m on the same journey myself! Though I have been married (to a mostly good and stable man till he met his current wife but I do feel they make a better match! And we get along fine!) and have two kids who are now in their teens.

I’ve always had high standards but my most recent relationship left me questioning that as he was an artist (freelanced in IT) who was in debt and had questionable lifestyle choices. I realised I often make the mistake of giving people the benefit of the doubt and because I am solid in myself, I think it’s okay if the other person isn’t that sorted. But then I catch the feels and it’s too late… Nope and nope to that!

@scoobydoo1971on this thread also mentioned ‘adopt and rescue’ and that’s me to a T too. Show me a broken man and I’ll be magically drawn to him. Again, am determined not to go down the route. I’ve had therapy on and off over the years and this is something I am keen to explore again and try to break this pattern.

I recently started dating again. But I’m establishing boundaries early. I recently dumped a guy after two dates though we had good chemistry and banter because of his dog. On our second date, we went for a country walk and his dog tried to go for every dog that it met on the walk. It could never be walked off the lead. It also smelt very doggy and I imagined his flat wouldn’t smell very nice… and I just decided I did not want that in my life going forward. And I think a badly trained dog is a sign of irresponsibility in the owner. Not the dog’s fault. In my previous life, I would have gone ‘oh, let’s see how it goes…’ and regretting that a few months down the road…

I also have many good friends who are married and I would say there’s only 1-2 marriages I envy and think I would like to
have that. Bear in mind, every relationship involves compromise but the trade-off has to still mean you are on the overall, on the ‘up’.

@something2say I’m on the same journey myself! Though I have been married (to a mostly good and stable man till he met his current wife but I do feel they make a better match! And we get along fine!) and have two kids who are now in their teens.

I’ve always had high standards but my most recent relationship left me questioning that as he was an artist (freelanced in IT) who was in debt and had questionable lifestyle choices. I realised I often make the mistake of giving people the benefit of the doubt and because I am solid in myself, I think it’s okay if the other person isn’t that sorted. But then I catch the feels and it’s too late… Nope and nope to that!

@scoobydoo1971on this thread also mentioned ‘adopt and rescue’ and that’s me to a T too. Show me a broken man and I’ll be magically drawn to him. Again, am determined not to go down the route. I’ve had therapy on and off over the years and this is something I am keen to explore again and try to break this pattern.

I recently started dating again. But I’m establishing boundaries early. I recently dumped a guy after two dates though we had good chemistry and banter because of his dog. On our second date, we went for a country walk and his dog tried to go for every dog that it met on the walk. It could never be walked off the lead. It also smelt very doggy and I imagined his flat wouldn’t smell very nice… and I just decided I did not want that in my life going forward. And I think a badly trained dog is a sign of irresponsibility in the owner. Not the dog’s fault. In my previous life, I would have gone ‘oh, let’s see how it goes…’ and regretting that a few months down the road…

I also have many good friends who are married and I would say there’s only 1-2 marriages I envy and think I would like to
have that. Bear in mind, every relationship involves compromise but the trade-off has to still mean you are on the overall, on the ‘up’.

Good post. Glad to hear the decision to change is working out. I have this feeling that I simply have to respect my behaviour now, I am too old not to. I think you are doing well and following your instincts and your learning.

I have been reading Women Who Run With the Wolves and so far its been about instinct and gut feeling - I ignore that, then know I am doing it and rationalise it with the sorts of things you've said - "oh well, let's see" - and then as you say, feelings develop and you're in it and it's too late. I think you are brave and wise to be knocking that on the head and that's what I need to start doing. In fact I have done. There is a man down the pub who is interested but he was talking to me about feminism, and I know he has bad views there ("feminazis") and he was otherwise poor towards me in the conversation, so the door was slammed firmly shut in my mind based on that alone.

I like how you have thought about the badly trained dog indicating irresponsibility in other areas of life.

One thing I have done myself and see other women doing is taking a rather poor quality man and trying to polish him up. I have learned to my detriment that, if he is not doing it alone, he is not 'it'.

That's not the case with my most recent thought. He was exceedingly clever and together, more than me in fact, but he was just from the wrong walk of life. I hurt myself proceeding with him; because he was so good in bed a real intimacy grew, but then I had to kill it.

We are all learning! Though I did say to someone recently heartbreak doesn’t get any easier the older you get.

What do you mean wrong walk of life?

I have a FWB. And I adore him. And I catch the feels for him now and then but being an unfulfilled musician who goes from job to job whilst smoking a lot of pot, he’s the perfect example of a broken man I do not need. And he’s good practice for me not getting involved emotionally… 😬

Ah, lucky you that you can do a FWB! I cannot. It is too intimate for me.

Wrong walk of life - he is a VP of big orgs. WAY above my level. Wants cut glass, porcelain, fizzy water, extra king beds - I'm a guitar player sitting cross legged on the floor. I am cool, he is straight. He was strong and clever and reliable, but in bed for 9 with tons of meds. I would still be having my last roll up out the door with headphones on looking at the stars in the sky. He would never fit in with my friends, nor I with his. He was also a womaniser, where I am a one man woman, which endeared me to him, but his ways made me keep my doors closed.

I think it depends on age...when you're in your 20s to mid 30s there's a lot more choice.

I believe there are always available men. Its certainly seeming that way to me and I'm late 40's.

Yeah that's not high standards, it's just picky preferences.

I mean, you're entitled to your preferences but I've no idea how you get dates at all with a list like that.

Sorry@EarthSight that was for the person you replied to

I'm bloody awful at choosing partners! I decided to have one more go and made a conscious decision to choose someone who was kind, loyal and stable. I also consciously dumped any date who did/said anything at all dodgy.

I realised, (very) late in the day that in the past I had noticed dodgy behaviour/attitudes in partners but I had always let it go. I will not do that again.

Also I now don't mind being/living alone, and there is real power in not actually needing a relationship.

However they react to your first disagreement is a clear picture of who they are. Shouting? Sulking? Ignoring? Mind games? Get rid. Calm discussion and a willingness to meet in the middle? Keep. And never date anyone with a ‘crazy ex’. It’s them that is crazy usually.

You're so right @Garethkeenansstapler

Be open to things and don't be too restrictive- sometimes our perfect is not where we expect it to be. Stay in touch with yourself. There is a quote in practical magic about falling in love that I think gets it

• falling in love is like putting your arms out and spinning really fast. But if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can't see you are about to fall.

Just stay firm to your boundaries.