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Original poster

It's never going to happen is it

34 replies

Clarentine · 08/05/2023 11:26

35 in a few weeks. No relationships as an adult. Very depressed. I wanted marriage and babies, but for ethical and financial reasons, I couldn't have a baby alone. I also have mental health problems since young which I try to manage as best I can.

OP posts:
GracePalmer33 · 08/05/2023 11:27

Plenty of people find love and have babies at 35+.. are you looking for a relationship/trying to meet people?

ThatFriyayFeeling · 08/05/2023 11:28

Never say never! What have you done to try and form relationships? Do you go out much? Have a hobby? Tried OLD? Any chance of meeting someone at/through work? X

baileys6904 · 08/05/2023 11:41

Why not foster? There are so many children desperate to be loved, you get financial help to do so and can make such a difference on a young persons life.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 11:48

Fostering isn't an alternative to having your own children. It can also be very difficult to do it without any other adult support.

Original poster
Clarentine · 08/05/2023 11:49

Sadly due to my disability (mental health) I am not able to earn much more than minimum wage, I couldn't afford anything more than a house share, so fostering is not possible.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/05/2023 12:57

Love wise, you're probably not even half way through your life. So nothing to worry about there. I'm sure you'll meet a one or even several guys over that time that you can fall for.

Kid wise, we'll, they might have kids already and you can blend families. Maybe the kidsll have kids and you can be a grandparent (all the fun, but not 24/7).

Tbh I know lots of people get sad about not having kids but - rarely have I heard older women say they are upset by not being able to have had them. Because they went on to discover there was much more to life for them.

I think the whole grow up, marry, have children thing is just a bs brainwashed ideology. And let's face it, the majority of people who have kids, probably shouldn't have had them.

Also, if you have mental health issues, chances are that kids could cause you even more stress and knock you over the edge. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Nothing is more precious than your health and sanity.

Original poster
Clarentine · 08/05/2023 16:08

I do understand what you're saying about the mental health. It's just always been my dream to be a wife and mother, ever since I was a little girl.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/05/2023 12:21

Clarentine · 08/05/2023 16:08

I do understand what you're saying about the mental health. It's just always been my dream to be a wife and mother, ever since I was a little girl.

But do you not think that's really weird when you think on it? As in - why would a little child be thinking about men and mothering?

I mean, I guess kids like to roleplay what they see... Or maybe alternatively, they have bad home life's and ache for a 'normal' family amd that follows them into adulthood.

But you're an adult now so can reevaluate your dreams based on your current situation.

Is it possible you feel atm that 'it's not fair, everyone else's has kids, I'm worthy of that too despite my mental health issues' like, you are trying to prove something? The truth is, kids are not an entitlement for anyone. And you shouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face.

You said yourself, your health limits the work you can do. So I just don't understand why you think kids are a good idea because they're a fuck ton more work than some fancier job would be.

Also, imagine you meet this really great guy and have an awesome relationship - kids often ruin relationships. Stress, sleepless nights, realising the other person can't keep up with their share of the parenting etc... many partnerships don't survive it. So in fulfilling one side of the dream...you'd potentially lose the other. Just a thought. Just because you said your dream was motherhood AND marriage.

I dunno op, I think I would look for new dreams. Not saying both of these things can't still happen for you and work out but I think you need to just play things by ear and not sweat it. Maybe look to other adventures in the mean time.

Original poster
Clarentine · 09/05/2023 12:28

Please don't call me weird and entitled. I feel enough of a freak already.

Also, your post implies that you don't think disabled people, or people managing mental health conditions, should have children. I find that problematic and offensive.

OP posts:
Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 12:29

You have plenty of time to find love OP, don’t give up!

Changemaname1 · 09/05/2023 12:40

Don’t think @Pinkbonbon was meaning to be offensive or calling you weird at all

just that it’s not always all
its cracked up to be and that it’s a strange concept generally that it seems to be so pushed on girls as been the ideal at such a young age ( we’ll definitely not as much any more but for people our age it was )

you could definitely still meet someone but you have to just go out and enjoy your life and see where things go

Pinkbonbon · 09/05/2023 12:58

Clarentine · 09/05/2023 12:28

Please don't call me weird and entitled. I feel enough of a freak already.

Also, your post implies that you don't think disabled people, or people managing mental health conditions, should have children. I find that problematic and offensive.

I certainly haven't called you weird or entitled.

As for your mental health, I'm going off your own words- youve struggled your whole life with it and it limits your current life quite substantially.

Still not saying you shouldn't have kids. Just pointing out that it might not be a good move if this is the case.

Amd certainly not generalising to all people with disabilities.

gettingolderbutcooler · 09/05/2023 13:01

Met my DH at 39. 2 kids later!

airmaxJ · 09/05/2023 13:19

I'm pregnant at 40 your still young. Are you going on any dates or anything?

MintJulia · 09/05/2023 13:52

OP. I don't think you can make such a sweeping prediction. I met ds' dad at 42, had ds just after I turned 45. He's 14 now, so still mid-teens.

You have plenty of time yet, despite the endless MN warnings of waning fertility.

If you haven't had many relationships yet, it's time to make changes. Put yourself out there. What do you have to lose? You won't meet anyone sitting at home. I'd allocate a budget for the year to updating your image and have fun trying things you've not done before.

New hair, clothes etc for a bit of confidence. Then try something new every month. One thing a month won't be too scary.

Have a clay shooting lesson, take a city break somewhere new, have a sailing lesson, join a Meetup group, a cooking class, a theatre group, learn to paint water colours, volunteer for something, try a martial art, do parkwalk for a month, join the parish council, offer to be a dogstrust dog walker.

And just see what happens. If nothing else, it will be good fun.🙂 Good luck.

ETimport · 09/05/2023 13:58

You said you're managing your mental health problems as best you can. Have you sought help for them? @Clarentine

Could you try OLD, as others have suggested, or take up a hobby or sport to meet people and widen your social circle, also benefits to mental health.

Original poster
Clarentine · 09/05/2023 20:11

Pinkbonbon, I'm sorry if I was a bit tetchy. I know your post was trying to he helpful.

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I have been trying to date, but it's not been easy. Ghosting, rude people, illicit pictures etc.

If there's one thing I don't need any more of, it's clothes. I love fashion. And I like my hair. But I will keep up with the self care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarentine · 28/05/2023 11:19

I really hate bank holiday weekends. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 12:06

Everyone has tough days. Go hit the shower and go out and get some fresh air and exercise. The endorphins will help.

Yesterday was a wash. Absolutely fine to have a mini mental breakdown now and then in your own time.

But I think if you're crying for days then it's time to see your gp again. I dunno what's what with your condition but it sounds like antidepressants might be worth considering.

Might help to take up running or something like that too.

Have you any pets? Something to cuddle might help when you're having tough days.

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 12:09

I met my OH a few weeks before my 37th birthday. I was about to embark on perusing solo parenting though.

I gave up waiting to be rescued and rescued myself. As soon as the pressure was off I met someone who I will have babies with.

Original poster
Clarentine · 28/05/2023 12:27

I'm already on antidepressants.

Unfortunately due to my housing situation, I'm not able to have any pets.

OP posts:
Clementineorsatsuma · 28/05/2023 12:40

Good grief- the throwaway "why not foster" as is it's the easiest thing in the world.

OP has clearly said that they have poor mental health... fostering is incredibly hard and nothing like the sunshine and roses pictured. Some people can do it but many could not.

OP continue finding ways that you are happy with yourself and your life... love often comes knocking when you least expect it.

Clementineorsatsuma · 28/05/2023 12:40

Clarentine · 09/05/2023 12:28

Please don't call me weird and entitled. I feel enough of a freak already.

Also, your post implies that you don't think disabled people, or people managing mental health conditions, should have children. I find that problematic and offensive.

Well said you!

baileys6904 · 28/05/2023 13:24

@Clementineorsatsuma I'll take that as a dig at me, and you'll find that it wasn't a cats off throwaway comment whatsoever, neither did I say it was easy and all sunshine and roses. However experience both as a family fostering and then adopting, and through work means it's something I am passionate about and theres a lot of kids that would thrive from the love the OP clearly has for a child, and a disability, both mental or physical shouldn't discourage a conversation about it, let alone write off the idea immediately unless the OP herself decides ( as she has done) that's its not for her ( although if purely financial, there are allowances which help).

baileys6904 · 28/05/2023 13:24

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