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Original poster

It's never going to happen is it

34 replies

Clarentine · 08/05/2023 11:26

35 in a few weeks. No relationships as an adult. Very depressed. I wanted marriage and babies, but for ethical and financial reasons, I couldn't have a baby alone. I also have mental health problems since young which I try to manage as best I can.

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 13:42

baileys6904 · 28/05/2023 13:24

@Clementineorsatsuma I'll take that as a dig at me, and you'll find that it wasn't a cats off throwaway comment whatsoever, neither did I say it was easy and all sunshine and roses. However experience both as a family fostering and then adopting, and through work means it's something I am passionate about and theres a lot of kids that would thrive from the love the OP clearly has for a child, and a disability, both mental or physical shouldn't discourage a conversation about it, let alone write off the idea immediately unless the OP herself decides ( as she has done) that's its not for her ( although if purely financial, there are allowances which help).

It really is the worst retort for someone aching for children. ‘Why not adopt/foster?’

It’s not in the same ballpark.

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 14:44

When you think on it...the process of determining if you are suitable to adopt is literally to find out if a kid should be in your care or not. If they said no and they're the experts on kids...maybe we should...listen to them?

Of course many adoptive children have special needs so need certain placements. But still.
I just can't be arsed with this whole 'oh adopting is so hard' stuff because the truth is people are really just saying 'I want MY OWN baby'. As if adopted children aren't good enough.

I don't know if op would be suitable to foster (I suspect many of us wouldn't qs its a hard processes. As it should be). But tbf I actually think it would bring her a lot of joy if she could and could find the right placement.

So I don't see why she couldn't consider it. Maybe one day. If life takes that turn for her. There's lots of kids our there who need homes and op would love children. It would be win win.

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 15:59

people are really just saying 'I want MY OWN baby'. As if adopted children aren't good enough.

No, they just want their own child. It’s completely natural.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 17:03

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 15:59

people are really just saying 'I want MY OWN baby'. As if adopted children aren't good enough.

No, they just want their own child. It’s completely natural.

Please consider not using the phrase 'their own child' in discussions around adoption. It's damaging as a phrase.

A phrase that's accurate and less harmful is 'biological children'.

I'm adopted. I'm just as much my mum's 'own' child as a biological child.

'Their own children' (when used to distinguish between addicted and non adopted children) is a phrase that makes adopted children feel and sound like second choices / back up options / consolation prizes.

Just something to think about as I'm sure people don't want to use language that's hurtful but just haven't thought about it.

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 21:28

No thanks. It’s clear I meant their own biological child and you’re ignoring the point (& the OP).

What you’re saying is damaging, and repetitive.

ringsaglitter · 28/05/2023 21:57

@Clementineorsatsuma lol. You're completely right about the fostering thing - I thought the same. What do people think, you can just go down to your looking child home and pick up a kid or two?
Not only are people strongly vetted before being allowed to foster - home, finances, mental health etc, because children who require fostering have a greater range of complex needs..........

Lili132 · 28/05/2023 22:21

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 21:28

No thanks. It’s clear I meant their own biological child and you’re ignoring the point (& the OP).

What you’re saying is damaging, and repetitive.

I'm not adopted neither I'm adoptive parent but I also find the language you used problematic. Instead of listening to someone who tells you that it's hurtful to hear over and over again that biological children are OWN children (as if adoptive were not) you choose to get defensive and deflect the blame.

And I don't think she ignored OP's point at all. She even said adoptive children should not be a back up plan, she only asked you not to use damaging language when talking about adoptions.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 22:26

FiddleLeaf · 28/05/2023 21:28

No thanks. It’s clear I meant their own biological child and you’re ignoring the point (& the OP).

What you’re saying is damaging, and repetitive.

What a bizarre and dismissive response to a polite post written in good faith.

Your prerogative to be unpleasant rather than respectful but it's entirely unnecessary 🤷🏻‍♀️

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 22:27

Thanks @Lili132

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