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Original poster

Not sure if he's been an arse

49 replies

Iost · 07/05/2023 23:54

My husband and I are early 30s with two kids aged 6 and 2 (nearly 3).

Since having my second I haven't lost the baby weight, if anything I've gained some. I'm now about four stone heavier than I was when we started dating in our mid 20s.

I know that I'm overweight, and I'm finally doing something about it.

We haven't been intimate for over a year. He rarely initiates hugs with me, and very rarely kisses me. I have stopped initiating for the most part too as I just feel like a needy idiot as it's never reciprocated.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago when I was feeling resentful over him not pulling his weight with housework (he openly admits I do a vast majority). His response was that he's feeling resentful too. When I asked why, he told me that it was very hard to put it in a way that wouldn't upset me, but he is really bothered by my weight, and that's why he doesn't get close to me.

I can completely understand that he might not be as attracted to me at this weight. I'm not either. But it really stung. Especially as it extends to hugging and kissing.

I've been thinking about it a lot since. It's certainly not the only thing he's said/done that's disappointed or upset me recently, but it's the one that's playing on my mind.

I'd really appreciate some perspective here. Am I being overly sensitive, or is he being a massive arse?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 23:56

he is being horrible
You used your body to grow his children
he should admire and respect you for that

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:04

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 23:56

he is being horrible
You used your body to grow his children
he should admire and respect you for that

Agree, but four stone is surely unhealthy, and we read many threads on here where the man has gained weight and everyone says he has lost his respect, understandably not very attractive….

helpftm · 08/05/2023 00:04

He's being an arse! You've carried his children she has the cheek to say things about your weight! If anything he should be looking at you and admiring your body for what it's done (even if you've gained a bit of weight).

Hope you're okay OP I could imagine this would be a horrible thing to hear especially after children. Your not being sensitive at all

helpftm · 08/05/2023 00:05

And^ not she

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:07

I completely agree it's unhealthy. And I understand why he wouldn't want to have sex with me if he doesn't find my body attractive. What bothers me more is the lack of more gentle intimacy.

He's also put on weight since we got together. Not as much as me, perhaps two stone. I couldn't care less, and I can't imagine not wanting to hug or kiss him because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:09

helpftm · 08/05/2023 00:04

He's being an arse! You've carried his children she has the cheek to say things about your weight! If anything he should be looking at you and admiring your body for what it's done (even if you've gained a bit of weight).

Hope you're okay OP I could imagine this would be a horrible thing to hear especially after children. Your not being sensitive at all

Thank you. It really helps to hear others perspectives. I haven't told anyone in real life as I'm pretty embarrassed.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:09

Iost · 08/05/2023 00:07

I completely agree it's unhealthy. And I understand why he wouldn't want to have sex with me if he doesn't find my body attractive. What bothers me more is the lack of more gentle intimacy.

He's also put on weight since we got together. Not as much as me, perhaps two stone. I couldn't care less, and I can't imagine not wanting to hug or kiss him because of it.

I agree totally about the intimacy, that is more important to me too. I have also started gaining weight as I enter peri menopause and I can tell I am being judged by my husband. He is significantly overweight….annoys the hell out of me.

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:10

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 23:56

he is being horrible
You used your body to grow his children
he should admire and respect you for that

Thank you. I really appreciate the kind reply.

OP posts:
JupiterFortified · 08/05/2023 00:11

I can see both sides here. I completely understand why you’re hurt by what he said OP. But I suppose at least he’s been honest (perhaps not in the most sensitive way). If I’m brutally honest I probably wouldn’t be as attracted to my partner if he put on 4 stone.

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 00:12

Hasn't occured to him then that maybe you are holding onto the weight because you are exhausted by doing everything / he's not giving you any free time to do much about it / is making you feel like rubbish?? Men wonder why their wives look tired when they run them ragged.

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:12

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 00:12

Hasn't occured to him then that maybe you are holding onto the weight because you are exhausted by doing everything / he's not giving you any free time to do much about it / is making you feel like rubbish?? Men wonder why their wives look tired when they run them ragged.

That will never occur to him. But truth in it.

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:16

JupiterFortified · 08/05/2023 00:11

I can see both sides here. I completely understand why you’re hurt by what he said OP. But I suppose at least he’s been honest (perhaps not in the most sensitive way). If I’m brutally honest I probably wouldn’t be as attracted to my partner if he put on 4 stone.

Yeah, you're right. He isn't very tactful and I'm second guessing myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:17

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:09

I agree totally about the intimacy, that is more important to me too. I have also started gaining weight as I enter peri menopause and I can tell I am being judged by my husband. He is significantly overweight….annoys the hell out of me.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It is really shit.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:18

Iost · 08/05/2023 00:17

Sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It is really shit.

Show quote history

Thank you OP. I think my HB has that chauvinist view that he with the wallet does not need to take such care…🙄

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:19

So he’s a lazy prick who doesn’t want to do any housework and he has ‘justified’ this by saying it’s because you’re overweight?

What an absolute piece of shit. Sorry OP. He sounds worthless as a partner. Partners should contribute fairly to the running of the home and should deal with health/emotional issues with sensitivity.

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:20

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 00:12

Hasn't occured to him then that maybe you are holding onto the weight because you are exhausted by doing everything / he's not giving you any free time to do much about it / is making you feel like rubbish?? Men wonder why their wives look tired when they run them ragged.

Yeah I think there's some truth in that. We both work in full time, quite stressful jobs. I do probably 95 percent of the housework, most of it in the evenings once DC are in bed. He spends his evenings doing what he likes.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/05/2023 00:23

Iost · 08/05/2023 00:20

Yeah I think there's some truth in that. We both work in full time, quite stressful jobs. I do probably 95 percent of the housework, most of it in the evenings once DC are in bed. He spends his evenings doing what he likes.

Show quote history

Why doesn't he do his fair share about time gis steps up and then you can have an evening or two to go to the gym or whatever

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:23

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:19

So he’s a lazy prick who doesn’t want to do any housework and he has ‘justified’ this by saying it’s because you’re overweight?

What an absolute piece of shit. Sorry OP. He sounds worthless as a partner. Partners should contribute fairly to the running of the home and should deal with health/emotional issues with sensitivity.

I don't think he was using it to justify his laziness. I had just approached my resentment over his lack of help, and he then decided to tell me something he was feeling resentful about.

Completely agree with the rest of your reply. Speaking of health, I've had some concerning symptoms for the last while (odd periods, pelvic pain etc) and have an ultrasound tomorrow which I'm really nervous about. When I mentioned it yesterday his response was "yeah, I'd be nervous too." He hasn't checked in and asked if I'm okay since. I can't tell if he's just a really poor communicator or just a self absorbed bell end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:25

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/05/2023 00:23

Why doesn't he do his fair share about time gis steps up and then you can have an evening or two to go to the gym or whatever

Show quote history

Good question, I'm not sure! I've asked for more help in the past (not often) and he's done it for a few days then reverted to type. And when I do raise it he gets massively defensive and huffy.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:33

@Iost I just meant he used that as a defence, a come back to undermine what you were saying about the housework. He weaponised it to get at you when he felt criticised.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2023 00:34

He spends his evenings doing what he likes.

Why, why, why do you, and soooo many women, tolerate this? He either does 50% or he can fuck right off. You have another child, not a partner.

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 00:34

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:33

@Iost I just meant he used that as a defence, a come back to undermine what you were saying about the housework. He weaponised it to get at you when he felt criticised.

100% - he went in with the dagger because he couldn’t cope with the confrontation about his own inadequacies.

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 00:39

Ah I understand, sorry. I hadn't thought about it like that but I think you're right.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:42

He sounds horrible OP, I’m sorry.

Good luck with the ultrasound tomorrow Brew

Original poster
Iost · 08/05/2023 07:00

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:42

He sounds horrible OP, I’m sorry.

Good luck with the ultrasound tomorrow Brew

Thank you

OP posts:
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