Not sure if he's been an arse

[Iost]

My husband and I are early 30s with two kids aged 6 and 2 (nearly 3).

Since having my second I haven't lost the baby weight, if anything I've gained some. I'm now about four stone heavier than I was when we started dating in our mid 20s.

I know that I'm overweight, and I'm finally doing something about it.

We haven't been intimate for over a year. He rarely initiates hugs with me, and very rarely kisses me. I have stopped initiating for the most part too as I just feel like a needy idiot as it's never reciprocated.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago when I was feeling resentful over him not pulling his weight with housework (he openly admits I do a vast majority). His response was that he's feeling resentful too. When I asked why, he told me that it was very hard to put it in a way that wouldn't upset me, but he is really bothered by my weight, and that's why he doesn't get close to me.

I can completely understand that he might not be as attracted to me at this weight. I'm not either. But it really stung. Especially as it extends to hugging and kissing.

I've been thinking about it a lot since. It's certainly not the only thing he's said/done that's disappointed or upset me recently, but it's the one that's playing on my mind.

I'd really appreciate some perspective here. Am I being overly sensitive, or is he being a massive arse?

Well he can't have it both ways can he? Can you kind of turn it back on him, but make him think this was his idea? So during his downtime all the fucking time say I'm going to go to the gym/for a long walk, gotta burn those calories. I was going to do XYZ around the house, but you can do that can't you.

Then if he complains, do an innocent face and say, well, I listened to what you said, and you're right, I've been burying myself in housework and letting myself go a bit. So in the interest of compromise and making you happy, I'm prioritising my weightloss. In return, you need to pick up the slack, obviously there isn't time for me to do everything.

Obviously my version is MN tinkly laugh/head tilt, but you get the idea. He wanted this. So give it to him.

Stbxh does this. He seems to just grab the first criticism he thinks of, anything to turn it back on me, if it's a nasty criticism like this all the better because you're reeling over that and the focus is completely off what he did.

Now you are not thinking about him not doing his share as you are focused on your weight. Win for him. My teens used to do that when l asked them to do their room. Complain about some aspect of their lives to get me off the scent. OK for teens but not for a grown man. He is very immature.

I guess I'm just not sure where to take it from here. This is all making me more resentful of him. Having a proper chat about anything he deems as me being critical results in him being in a bad mood which then negatively impacts the whole house, even if I heavily preface it to explain how much the things he does (or doesn't do!) impact me

He can't have it both ways

Time to equally divide the chores, children, cooking and leisure time etc

Tell him you will be having two evenings a week to go to the gym, meet up with a friend or whatever, he needs to do the cooking, bath time fairly

Then you can do what he suggests and get healthy

This is why he gets in a bad mood and sulks, so you stop having those conversations with him.

Good luck with your ultrasound

I’d be telling him that you’ll be joining the gym 3 evenings per week and 1 weekend half day, and he will need to step up with caring for the children and getting housework done. Fair enough if he doesn’t find you attractive 4 stone heavier, I think many of us would feel the same, but he’s got to pull his weight to allow you some time to focus on yourself / your health. Good luck

He’s being horrible and trying to hurt you.

My H was the same - I struggled to lose weight after DC2 and was like you a lot heavier than I was when we met when I was 20.

But I also worked FT, did all night wakings, all child admin for small children and was basically a zombie for 3 years with a non sleeping toddler in my bed . He always carved out time to exercise and got 8 hours’ sleep every night.

I finally decided to leave him in November last year and I swear to God the extra weight disappeared almost overnight. So now I am skinny and not married to a cunt. A+++ would recommend.

The OP used her body to grow" their" baby. She was not doing a favor for him. She was doing something that "they" desired.

Her husband was being honest about the absence of physical attraction , just as the OP was being honest about his laziness. They have both identified issues that are impacting their marriage , and it is up to them to work on resolving these issues.

Would the OP want him to hug or kiss her out of pity or some sense of obligation rather than because he is attracted and desires her? By the same token , the OP should speak up about his failure to provide assistance around the house and with the kids.

Both of their concerns will only be dealt with if the are openly discussed and dealt with.

He treats you like an appliance that provides money, housework, childcare and a body he deems appropriate for sex. The fact that he's not supporting you with your ultrasound and sulking when you suggest he should do stuff round the house shows how uncaring he is. If you were a size 8, he's still be an uncaring, lazy DH.

Op I'm 4 stone overweight and so is hubby.., we have joined TeamRH to calorie count and support each other!

Is your husband still in good shape? I think he probably hasn't meant to be cruel and has been honest..

However this would also hurt me if my husband said the same.

Is he supportive of you tackling your weight gain? Ie taking the kids so you can exercise, cooking healthy meals etc?

There's 2 of you in this home yet 1 doing all the work. What would happen if you let the evening stuff be, say 3 x per week?He wants you to lose weight, fine, tell him how it's going to be. Join a gym, get a PT - lots of my co-workers swear by them. Tell him 3 evenings per week you will be at the gym and expect him to sort out DC and housework on those evenings. He can't argue its not fair as there are still 4 other evenings in the week that you are available, and it makes him have to pull his weight.
When you've lost the weight and are feeling great about it, point out to him that he's looking rather weighty these days and it's putting him off you ( you don't have to do this bit, I just like a point to be hammered home, but it could backfire if he then wants gym time).

Thank you everyone. I've actually lost 10lbs in the last few weeks so I'm making progress. I said fuck it last night and went for a long walk late evening instead of doing the housework. I'll speak to him tonight about picking up the slack when I go out.

I'm feeling like when I do lose enough weight for him to deem me worthy of affection I might not actually want any. Is that wrong? I need to do it for myself to prove I can and I don't want him to feel like I'm doing it for him.

OP, the situation has nothing to do with being worthy of affection. You are equating physical attraction with worthiness, and they are not even remotely the same thing. You could meet any number of very good men to whom you are not physically attractive. It seems as though you are blaming him for no longer being physically attracted to you.

What you should be blaming him for is his laziness and failure to do his share of household chores.

Your losing weight should be primarily for your own health and well being.

You poor woman.

What a nasty piece of scum you are with.

Selfish, nasty, lazy scum.

Mind yourself and get rid of him.

He's not worth the effort of fixing.

What an utter loser.

Dear dickhead, I know none of the extra stone you’ve put on has been on your brain, but I still think you can answer this one. Does your doing fuck all to help in the evening help or hinder me to maintain some fitness? I hope I am making myself very clear when I say I am going to get fitter and more healthy, I am going to do it by leaving you to pull some of your own fucking weight around here instead of leaving it all to me and then having a go at me for putting on weight when I get no time to myself. I am going to ignore the grump you put on every time I ask you to do something around the house for a change , and if you get in such a filthy mood at having to clean in your own house and parent your own children that I can’t ignore it I’m going to have to ask you to get the fuck out. I have been so sad at the lack of intimacy and care you have shown me, including on my recent health concern, as I have loved you so much. But right now I look at you and I think about how you treat me and I don’t like you very much at all, and when I am fitter and healthier I cannot promise to want intimacy from you or to still love you. It all depends on you from here on. You can destroy your marriage or you can contribute to it. The kids and I will be fine either way, we’ve been managing without you for most of their lives. Im going out, the dishes need washing and the clean washing folded and the usual house tidy I do every night while you sit on your bum.

There is a really quick way to lose 15 stone OP!!

I think he sounds very immature to approach the situation the way he did. You: 'I am feeling resentful because I am doing all the housework of an evening and get zero downtime'. Him: 'Well you're fat, so nerr'

Stupid prick.

I would definitely suggest time for you to get yourself looking a slim as he wants you to be so he can magically find you attractive again, whilst he picks up the slack at home.

As a pp said, you could be a size 8, and he would still be a lazy twat.

So you picked him up on him not pulling his weight and he's said it's because he resents you for gaining weight. What an utter bull shit excuse!

So he's diverted the conversation about him being a lazy arsehole and your left feeling shitty about something that's natural and tends to happen after having children.

Sorry op I think you've been played. He's swerved a conversation on his behaviour and blames you and now you feel bad and want to change. When it's actually him that needs to change!

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds"
Seeing as his love is conditional on you ticking his boxes, I would feel very unsupported by this man.
Hope your health concerns prove groundless.

Maybe make a list of all the household chores that need doing with a time estimate against each one.

Divide equally between you both.

Sounds like you need a whole lot more YOU time OP.

Yes, this is what he needs to read.

Lose the weight, I'm on saxenda and it's working miracles after a lifetime yoyo dieting - then ( as he's two stone overweight ) dump him for being a lazy overweight prick 😂😂You deserve better OP

It’s amazing how easy it is to lose weight when you have free time to prioritise your own health and fitness. You can become the sexy mama you want to be with consistency and focus but you will still be married to a man who withdrew affection from you when you lost weight and who treats you like hired help.

Hope the ultrasound tomorrow goes well 💐

OP I understand you're hurt and are now consumed by this. But your husband deliberately directed you to this path because you pulled him up on his laziness. He knew it would cut you to the bone and occupy most of your mind.

It's great that you are on a mission but it's a separate thing to your original gripe.

Go back to the start and tell the lazy bugger to pull his finger out and don't dare divert the conversation to your weight.