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Original poster

Partner "forgetting" what we've agreed

52 replies

bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 11:47

Hi everyone,

Just looking for advice on what to do about a situation with my partner that keeps cropping up. When organising something, we make an agreement and then some time later he claims we never had that conversation.

For example, yesterday he agreed he'd drop me and our son off at play group while he went out with some friends because we were leaving the house at the same time. This would save me half the walk. This morning, I dismantle the pram in front of him and put it by the door ready for loading into the car. Half an hour later, he asks me if I hadn't better get moving because otherwise I won't make it in time. I said I have plenty of time because he's dropping me off. He says he never said he'd do that and wouldn't ever have said it because he's picking his friend up instead. But I KNOW he looked me dead in the eyes and agreed to it.

Or another occasion this week: he agrees to drop our son off with my parents for a change (I'm usually the one to do this, once a week) because he has a day off. I tell my mum to expect my partner to arrive, not me. The day comes and he swears blind he never agreed to this or would've agreed to it because he's working on his car with his friend.

Or a couple of weeks ago: I asked him to take X day off work as we have no childcare and he agrees. The day approaches and he's talking about going into work. I remind him that he's taking the day off and he says he never agreed to it and now can't get the time off with such short notice. But he bloody well promised!

I feel like I'm going mad and it's starting to really, really upset me, to the point of tears. I feel like I can't plan my life or I have to record every conversation we have to validate my own reality. I can't work out if this is deliberate behaviour or bad memory (he's a chronic weed smoker) or he just doesn't actively listen when we talk.

I've been gaslit in the past by a manipulative narcissist and I recognise the same feelings it's bringing up, even though it doesn't feel like it's deliberate this time.

I plan to talk to him and say this isn't acceptable and that, even if I'd rather not make us write down and sign what we've agreed to do, that's my only option if this keeps going on. It's one of those hard boundary things for me ...

Any help/advice/comments very much appreciated!

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 07/05/2023 11:52

when You gave agreed something text him straight away as a reminder’

the wed smoking concerns me though that’s no example to your kid and lots of use can lead to Mh problems

Watchkeys · 07/05/2023 11:57

I feel like I can't plan my life or I have to record every conversation we have to validate my own reality

This isn't a feeling, OP, this is actually how it is. If you feel you trust him, and that this is absent mindedness, then write things on a calendar on the wall, whilst he's there, at the time the agreement is made. Get him to write it on there. Lots of families do this, to make sure everything is covered, and to avoid confusion.

How would he respond, d'you think, if you suggested that?

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2023 11:58

He’s another gaslighting abusive man by the sounds of it

Callyem · 07/05/2023 12:02

Follow every agreement up with a text. If he is forgetting, it is win win. If he is gaslighting, the mask will slip.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 07/05/2023 12:04

He doesn't forget. He's gaslighting you. He is fully aware he's gaslighting you.
Yes, text him as soon as you have a conversation, get him to write it down in a diary, on a calendar, on a post it on the fridge. He'll probably still make an excuse that he forgot, didn't see it, didn't check it or you wrote those things yourself. You've recognised him for what he is OP, do you think talking to him will change anything or will he forget this conversation too? Weed an odd time, fine, but being a chronic weed smoker, esp around a small child is unacceptable. You should tolerate neither his 'forgetfulness' or his weed habit.

Original poster
bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:07

Tinkerbyebye · 07/05/2023 11:52

when You gave agreed something text him straight away as a reminder’

the wed smoking concerns me though that’s no example to your kid and lots of use can lead to Mh problems

It concerns me too and has done for many years. I've given up counting the number of times he's tried and failed to stop. We have another baby on the way in a few months and he's promised to stop before he arrives. But he won't. Short of leaving him, there's nothing I can do about it. And all leaving him would achieve at this point is to make my life a bigger struggle than having two babies 13 months apart is going to be!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/05/2023 12:12

The memory loss is probably related to the weed use, unfortunately it does not seem to get better. A friend’s Mum suffered from memory loss in her 40’s due to chronic weed use.
Texting him when you agree to something is a good idea.
You may want to look at other strategies to help with memory and organisation.

rwalker · 07/05/2023 12:12

You can go round in circles the easiest way is when u arrange theses things text him

not ideal and you shouldn’t have to but tbh sometimes in life the path of least resistance Is the best option

Imogensmumma · 07/05/2023 12:14

My partner likes to ‘forget’ so I make him get out his calendar and put it in there as soon as we have discussed it.

or agreed with others text him afterwards and if he continues to ‘forget’ you will learn it’s not memory it’s gaslighting

CrazyHorn · 07/05/2023 12:14

Oh no the dreaded forgetfulness that comes with a chronic weed smoker. This is like reading my own life story. I put up with this for so many years to the point I thought I was going crazy. Tell him to either quit the weed or pissoff!

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 12:15

Gaslighting prick.

TheSandgroper · 07/05/2023 12:15

If he did this to his boss, he would be out if a job. So, he doesn’t do this to his boss.

He behaves like this to you deliberately because it makes him feel good and he likes that bit a lot.

WelshNerd · 07/05/2023 12:18

Gosh, really shocked that a "chronic weed smoker" isn't a reliable partner and father.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/05/2023 12:19

I was going to say he's a gaslighting prick, but then you mentioned chronic weed use.

My son had a huge weed habit - smoking multiple times a day for many years (3.5 months clean right now 🙏🏻) and there have been many, many occasions where I know he's been told something, possibly multiple times, and he will have absolutely zero memory of it.

It also made him the world's worst procrastinator and dulled his emotions to the point where he simply didn't care about anything.

A key thing to ask yourself is probably whether he does this when forgetting something is going to have a negative impact on him, or only when it's something that inconveniences you and/or his child?

Original poster
bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:29

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/05/2023 12:19

I was going to say he's a gaslighting prick, but then you mentioned chronic weed use.

My son had a huge weed habit - smoking multiple times a day for many years (3.5 months clean right now 🙏🏻) and there have been many, many occasions where I know he's been told something, possibly multiple times, and he will have absolutely zero memory of it.

It also made him the world's worst procrastinator and dulled his emotions to the point where he simply didn't care about anything.

A key thing to ask yourself is probably whether he does this when forgetting something is going to have a negative impact on him, or only when it's something that inconveniences you and/or his child?

This is really interesting, thanks for sharing. My partner has smoked up to ten joints a day for 12 years. He's reduced that amount to three or four in the last year but that's the only improvement we've seen. The consequences so far are memory loss, lack of empathy, selfishness, irritability, irrational behaviour ... It's very hard to know if that's because of the weed or if it's his personality. Either way, I know I'm facing a tough decision as my children grow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:40

TheSandgroper · 07/05/2023 12:15

If he did this to his boss, he would be out if a job. So, he doesn’t do this to his boss.

He behaves like this to you deliberately because it makes him feel good and he likes that bit a lot.

This is a very good point ...

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/05/2023 12:42

I don’t know how you can have sex, never mind kids, with a drug addict. The answer would be easy to me.

Hawkins003 · 07/05/2023 12:45

Use text to confirm then theirs a record of it

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 07/05/2023 12:46

Why on earth did you have a baby with him knowing he's a drug addict. The list of stuff he does is awful and yet you stayed, had a child and are bringing another one into this mess.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2023 12:47

bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:29

This is really interesting, thanks for sharing. My partner has smoked up to ten joints a day for 12 years. He's reduced that amount to three or four in the last year but that's the only improvement we've seen. The consequences so far are memory loss, lack of empathy, selfishness, irritability, irrational behaviour ... It's very hard to know if that's because of the weed or if it's his personality. Either way, I know I'm facing a tough decision as my children grow up.

Show quote history

You're facing a tough decision now!

Why on earth are you still with him? Why do you want your children anywhere around this

(not to mention his selfishness and gaslighting which I bet has nothing to do with smoking weed) He just doesn't want to help/parent

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2023 12:48

bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:40

This is a very good point ...

Show quote history

So - 12 years you've accepted this?

Why??

GCWorkNightmare · 07/05/2023 12:56

I would t be writing post it notes or texts. I’d be writing it ON him, in Sharpie.

GCWorkNightmare · 07/05/2023 12:57

*wouldn’t

GCWorkNightmare · 07/05/2023 13:00

Will remind you what you said on a different thread.

Partner "forgetting" what we've agreed
Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2023 13:17

Callyem · 07/05/2023 12:02

Follow every agreement up with a text. If he is forgetting, it is win win. If he is gaslighting, the mask will slip.

Agree with this. Whether you want to have to do this longer term though, is a question for you…