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Original poster

Partner "forgetting" what we've agreed

52 replies

bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 11:47

Hi everyone,

Just looking for advice on what to do about a situation with my partner that keeps cropping up. When organising something, we make an agreement and then some time later he claims we never had that conversation.

For example, yesterday he agreed he'd drop me and our son off at play group while he went out with some friends because we were leaving the house at the same time. This would save me half the walk. This morning, I dismantle the pram in front of him and put it by the door ready for loading into the car. Half an hour later, he asks me if I hadn't better get moving because otherwise I won't make it in time. I said I have plenty of time because he's dropping me off. He says he never said he'd do that and wouldn't ever have said it because he's picking his friend up instead. But I KNOW he looked me dead in the eyes and agreed to it.

Or another occasion this week: he agrees to drop our son off with my parents for a change (I'm usually the one to do this, once a week) because he has a day off. I tell my mum to expect my partner to arrive, not me. The day comes and he swears blind he never agreed to this or would've agreed to it because he's working on his car with his friend.

Or a couple of weeks ago: I asked him to take X day off work as we have no childcare and he agrees. The day approaches and he's talking about going into work. I remind him that he's taking the day off and he says he never agreed to it and now can't get the time off with such short notice. But he bloody well promised!

I feel like I'm going mad and it's starting to really, really upset me, to the point of tears. I feel like I can't plan my life or I have to record every conversation we have to validate my own reality. I can't work out if this is deliberate behaviour or bad memory (he's a chronic weed smoker) or he just doesn't actively listen when we talk.

I've been gaslit in the past by a manipulative narcissist and I recognise the same feelings it's bringing up, even though it doesn't feel like it's deliberate this time.

I plan to talk to him and say this isn't acceptable and that, even if I'd rather not make us write down and sign what we've agreed to do, that's my only option if this keeps going on. It's one of those hard boundary things for me ...

Any help/advice/comments very much appreciated!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2023 13:19

You're your own worst enemy, sadly, and now there are two children involved in this disaster. You clearly won't raise your standards for yourself, but at least find the will to do so for your kids.

pikkumyy77 · 07/05/2023 13:27

Regardless if the cause of his poor memory the fact of the matter is that he is selfish and disobliging. If you frequently found your partner waiting for your help and they said “ I thought we had agreed that we would so x today” you would apologize, say you forgot, and make time to help or do x.
Saying, of your partner, that he is frequently forgetful when it comes to an agreement to take care of family responsibilities is just the first half of the equation. When you write out the rest you will have the answer:LTB. He will never change because he doesn’t have the problem. You do and he doesn’t care.

Paq · 07/05/2023 13:36

Why are you in a relationship with a chronic weed smoker? And bringing a child into the mess as well? I despairing.

Boomshock · 07/05/2023 14:33

Does he ever 'forget' anything when it comes to himself or his friends or work or does he only 'forget' things that affect you?

Watchkeys · 07/05/2023 14:39

The consequences so far are memory loss, lack of empathy, selfishness, irritability, irrational behaviour ... It's very hard to know if that's because of the weed or if it's his personality

What difference does it make? It's like saying 'I don't know if the arsonist was being mean or if they just don't understand matches very well': your house has still burned down and it's still their responsibility.

surlycurly · 07/05/2023 14:41

My ex husband used to do this. I actually shuddered reading this. Bad memories. I couldn't plan my life either. It won't improve. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

billy1966 · 07/05/2023 14:48

bonkersconkers101 · 07/05/2023 12:29

This is really interesting, thanks for sharing. My partner has smoked up to ten joints a day for 12 years. He's reduced that amount to three or four in the last year but that's the only improvement we've seen. The consequences so far are memory loss, lack of empathy, selfishness, irritability, irrational behaviour ... It's very hard to know if that's because of the weed or if it's his personality. Either way, I know I'm facing a tough decision as my children grow up.

Show quote history

12 years a weed user daily, and you have chosen to have 2 children with this loser.

Awful.

Poor children.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/05/2023 15:14

You have made some really poor choices in life and the ultimate one would be to remain in a relationship with him and allow him to influence your children.
Do you want them to grow up and end up like him?
Stop being selfish and think of your children.

porridgeisbae · 07/05/2023 15:29

I couldn't have anything to do with any kind of druggie anyway @bonkersconkers101 .

It disgusts me.

And one way or many others it will be effecting his behaviour and how he is in a relationship. It often makes people focussed on themselves, lacking in energy etc.

WheelsUp · 07/05/2023 15:32

I can't believe that someone who can't recall conversations with you hasn't run into the same problem with other family, friends and colleagues and realised that they might be the problem.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/05/2023 15:40

Don't waste your time talking to him about it. He won't change. You've spent 12 years proving to him that you have low self-esteem and will let him treat you appallingly (and now your children too).

You either suck it up and effectively be a single parent with a drug addict living at home with you. Or for the sake of your children (since you won't do it for yourself, do it for them), you leave him. I hope you leave him but I suspect you won't. You'll keep giving him more chances and waiting for him to change. He won't. Is this really the life you want for your children?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 07/05/2023 15:54

‘memory loss, lack of empathy, selfishness, irritability, irrational behaviour’. You find that acceptable, desirable in your stoner boyfriend? Your other post is about how utterly uninterested he is in your current pregnancy. What on earth has kept you hanging around for over a decade?

NerrSnerr · 07/05/2023 16:41

You need to put your children fist and leave him. It will almost certainly be easier before baby number 2 is born.

Do you really want your children growing up in a house with this man? If you stay with him you're basically telling them you're fine with his drug use and how he treats you.

mamnotmum · 07/05/2023 17:39

My husband forgets everything!

We have a shared diary and I have to remind him lots!

Definitely confirm details in text and then he can't do it!

abbey44 · 07/05/2023 18:27

Apart from his own behaviour and its effect on you, do you not worry about the physical harm the weed smoking will have on your tiny children?

I had a friend come to stay recently, she doesn’t smoke weed but her sons do and I could smell her as soon as she came through the front door. It was rank. She had no idea; actually she had no idea about a lot of things until she’d had about a week of fresh sea air blowing through her and seemed to sharpen up a bit. I’d be really worried about children in that environment.

GCWorkNightmare · 07/05/2023 18:29

mamnotmum · 07/05/2023 17:39

My husband forgets everything!

We have a shared diary and I have to remind him lots!

Definitely confirm details in text and then he can't do it!

Does he forget everything at work as well?

Ragwort · 07/05/2023 18:35

A chronic weed smoker and you are having another child with him Hmm ... there are so many threads on here complaining about useless husbands and followed with the words ... 'I am pregnant again'. WHY?

LouLou198 · 07/05/2023 18:45

My husband does this. Drives me insane so you have my sympathy.
I've tried everything, a massive family calendar on the fridge that he refused to look at, a family calendar app on our phones that he refused to use, going over the same conversation again and again.
I have now resorted to texting him every time we agree some arrangement. I then show him the sent and read WhatsApp messages on my phone we has conveniently forgotten something!!

Ladysquamy · 08/05/2023 07:16

10 joints a day? That's quite a serious problem. What possessed you to be involved with that nightmare?

Bathintheshed · 08/05/2023 07:23

Do you think this is a good environment to raise DC in? Your house must stink, your DC will inhale the fumes too. You are raising DC with a drug addict. It will only get worse and your DC will suffer.

XBealtaine · 08/05/2023 07:27

You'd be better off single. He is no practical help and he is eroding you emotionally. I'm not judging you. I had two children with an abusive prick (my parents raised me to have no sense of myself) so I have forgiven myself completely whether mn-ers judge me or not. I left with two v young children and it was tough financially but my eldest is in a good uni with a pt job and we have a good relationship. I sometimes shudder at how much fighting there'd have been if we'd stayed. Please leave and start again. You had kids with a loser, join the club, but take control of your life now. Good luck, value yourself and your life.

Codlingmoths · 08/05/2023 07:38

I guess you have to text him with the details every time you agree something. But that comes with a discussion where you state (& then text) that you doubt you will do this forever because there are only a few options . That either he is repeatedly cold bloodedly lying to you, or he finds very little you say to him or that he agrees with you important enough to remember, or that the weed has genuinely destroyed his memory so he is doing this to himself (but does he also forget about plans with friends and intend to spend time with you instead or being helpful around the house or is all of his forgetfulness one way?? If it’s all one way it’s him not the weed.) and none of these are things you see yourself putting up with forever or that you think it’s fair for children to put up with.

because really it’s highly probable that at some point you decide he’s not worth it. I appreciate that point is not now with a young baby and another on the way but at some point you will.

Undertherock · 08/05/2023 08:32

I have memory issues. I have ADHD and peri menopause has exacerbated it.

The difference here is that I absolutely hate to let down my husband. I hate the gut sinking realisation that I’ve forgotten something I agreed to do.

So we have systems. If we’re talking on the phone, I will ask him to send that to me in a text too. We check schedules every morning (1 min conversation)

Memory issues aren’t the actual problem here- there are workarounds for that. But his attitude to you is a much bigger problem.

Why is it ok to let you down last minute and not his friend?

perfectcolourfound · 08/05/2023 08:41

If this was 'normal' forgetfulness I'd suggest keeping a calendar on the wall or texting agreements as pp have suggested.

I suspect even if you did that, he would say he forgot to look at he calendar / you must have only just written it on today / he never received the text.

The bigger issue here is that he's a chronic weed taker. I wouldn't want to leave a child in his care anyway. But weed will always be more important than you or your children to him. You would be much better off getting away from him. I suspect your life would be easier, and with a lot less resentment in it, if you weren't with him. Having an unreliable, selfish, uncaring addict to rely on is a lot harder than relying on yourself.

Tatiepot · 08/05/2023 09:08

my XH was/is a gaslighter and I only realised when someone on here pointed out that he didn’t behave that way at work…

you and your kids deserve so much better, day-to-day life will be so much easier without him in it, get yourself out of there (and yes I know it’ll be hard but you’ll survive and one day the sun will come out again - I’ve just been through it and I can’t believe how much more relaxed and happier we are)