It's finally resonated with me - I'm married to a narcissistic twat

[SummerTime2023]

Finally it's hit me, the scales that I've kept up have finally fallen. I'm relieved.

The last straw in 10 years of being disrespected, being blamed for everything negative in our family life, making out like everything he does should have me on bended knee to him, undermined, stonewalled, my heart broken into a million pieces constantly, hoping he will love me, not being there for me when I went through the hell of death, miscarriage, life's ups and downs. Having so little empathy with me that at times it feels humane.

It's very clear now, he only loves himself even though I know he is deeply insecure deep down.

The catalyst for all this, a sibling's tragic death well before their time and he was zero comfort to me, he made my life more difficult. I'm done. Oh and the 5 years of intensive therapy that I've done on myself, including why I have allowed this to go on for so long.

Nothing is ever his fault. He wouldn't engage in marriage therapy 4 years ago and now I have no energy or desire to beg him to. He's perfect the way he is, don't you know.

He is currently going through a health thing, I've been as humanely supportive as I can be but once this is over, we are done, done. I've disengaged since my sibling died, I can't do this anymore, my brother's death has floored me and he hasn't afforded me the comfort of what a stranger would give you in such circumstances. He isn't happy as to him his health scare is the most important thing, threatened to leave me, I said I think it's a good idea, he got a shock, nothing since. He did say he was sick of my family and me and our drama aka dying, sickness, cancer, miscarriage. Once this health thing is over, I will be setting out my boundaries to him. We have two DC, he will blame me for all this but I know the truth.

I guess I'm just writing this as I know I have a hard road ahead as I am literally dealing with a teenage boy. Thankfully I am financially independent due to staying working even when he didn't want me to.

Ladies, if any of what I've written rings through, you're worth more. My daughter will from now on be getting this lesson from me. I'm only sorry I've allowed this model of marriage to be seen by her. Thankfully my son is too young to have absorbed anything.

Op i admire your strength and being such a positive role model to your DC.
im so sorry for the loss of your sibling and that you had to go through that awful time without any basic support from your husband.
you deserve so much better - onwards and upwards 🙌🙌

OK... so you've made the decision. But yet you are procrastinating. Is the 'health scare' really that important that you don't set out your store now and make plans to leave? Even if you don't show anything to him, please start to make your escape plan and get things in place - otherwise you'll be in the same situation next year, the year after etc.

So sorry to hear about your brother and the lack of support you received.

@mistlethrush Yes you are right, I am stalling. I'm weighing up if by doing this now during a health scare for him that I'm being inhumane myself (goes against my nature) and also that it'll make my exit far worse. I'm also very very tired, sad and drained after my brother's death. You know when you are just tired of the constant crap.

I do need to set out my stall though and I most likely will very soon prior to this health scare being over because I need to for me, this health scare is being used against me as a method of control and also this health scare is quite treatable even if it turns out bad so to speak. It also really doesn't matter anyway, it'll all be my fault.

Sorry, I'm thinking and typing, it's therapeutic.

Get your journal out girl and get planning.
Its going to be brilliant.
You are going to have a whole new life.
x

There will always be something else after this health scare, OP. If he knows you’re going to leave, he’ll manufacture many reasons why you would be inhumane and awful to leave him.

He hasn’t been there for you through so many things. He can deal with his health scare himself.

Take time to make your plans, set boundaries and leave. But don’t feel that you need to time it around his needs.

Hi I have had the same realisation about my stbxh after therapy.

You are right that you have a rocky road ahead. Well done for being financially independent.

Just a warning. We both decided to part, although I was the one who instigated that conversation. He has spent the last year trying to control the process. You sound more assertive than me, but be warned, a divorce puts all of their difficult and selfish behaviour into overdrive.

You are possibly thinking that once you announce your decision and put down those boundaries, things will change. I’m sorry but now is the time you need to start planning and thinking of tactics.

My stbxh has proved himself to be venal and dishonest (only to me mind). He says one thing - we will sell the family home, then at the last minute says he won’t until the financial order is signed. That is just one of many changes of mind.

We tried sharing the home (no children) but that proved impossible as I was unable to escape his monologues and bullying.

Best of luck. I’m still in the tunnel, but keeping my eyes firmly on the light at the end.

@Isheabastard I can imagine I don't yet realise what I'm in for as his ego will be seriously bruised by this. On a practical level I don't know what will happen. I am hoping that because I will be reasonable with the children and finances that he will play ball but then what do I know.

I know that with the boundaries I've put down so far that he has been taken aback and behaved a bit better. As my therapist said, take back the power, he's had it all.

I'm not sure I'm assertive enough to be honest, I've left so much go which says a lot about me as a person but which therapy is helping with. What I do have now though is an inner strength, he broke me fully over how he has been about my brother, no one deserves that treatment, no one.

Also I have got a solicitor and I'm looking at my options on that side of the house.

You don't set boundaries with a narcissist. Narcissists trample boundaries.

You set them for yourself regarding the sort of people you keep around you. And leave abusive people ASAP.

Good luck!
Get free!

BTW, the fact he is behaving a little better rn, don't be fooled. He will regroup, change his tactics and 'punish' you at a later point.

Don't waste your energy on trying to make him treat you right. Just get away from him. Fast and far!

You owe him not one day more op.
Whatever health issues are they more important to you than your own mh?
I bloody hope not!
File for divorce online today.
I didn't tell my now exh for a fortnight I filed...

@Pinkbonbon Yes this is what has happened over the years, I've been fooled but he will punish me again. I'm a great woman to get on with things and survive but survival is not enough.

I will meet with my solicitor this week again and get my ducks further in a row.

No, at this point I have a duty to my DC to not go downhill myself. Aswell as my own well being now finally being very important to me, after years of not feeling or knowing that I deserved better.

Make sure you file for the divorce first, as the petitioner has more control of the process and timings.

Well done for realising! I was in your situation, just a year further down the line now. This book really helped me with the divorce process: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorcing-Narcissist-lure-loss-law/dp/191630236X?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=ad5b2ba1-c099-48e3-9478-7f51688e7551
Can't recommend it highly enough!

As PPs have said, unfortunately it's unlikely he will be reasonable during the process. I made the mistake of agreeing to face to face mediation, which caused me massive anxiety. If I was to do it all over again, I would either do shuttle mediation, or just leave it all to my solicitor.

The one thing that REALLY helped me was that I'd uncovered evidence of cheating, the sort of stuff he would never want anyone to know. Never blackmailed him or anything of course. But he knew that I knew enough to blow his public persona to bits if I wanted to.

Don't let him find out what you are planning to do.

Don't delay.

Tell your solicitor how dishonest, manipulative and abusive he is.

Don't wait for the health scare.

Don't give him anything more than the minimum.

Involve the police if necessary if he makes even the slightest threat towards you or himself.

Tell family and friends the truth.

You can do this for your children.

OP, a brilliant new life awaits you. I hope you are able to leave this loser sooner rather than later.

Your husband sounds similar to my now ex husband... When my mother was terminally ill, and it was her last visit to stay with us as she was having treatment nearby where we lived, I asked if he would drive her back to the train station. No was the answer. Why? Because the rugby was on (i don't drive, and this was the one and only time i ever asked him in our 5 year marriage to do me a favour). She died 4 weeks later, at which point he was at a festival and had gone awol for several days and he knew i was with her, at her bedside whilst she was dying when he buggered off on his jolly doing god knows what and with god knows who - but that's another story.

Honestly, the lack of empathy and humanity with some of these men is just shocking. We grow a thick skin to deal with it, and there are only so many arguments over diabolical behaviour you can have. We always, always know that tolerating atrocious behavior in all its forms isn't sustainable if we want happy lives and eventually we (usually) leave. Please don't stay a moment longer than you have to.

Mine, and countless other women have found much brighter and joyful lives once we took the plunge and left these absolute waste of space, soul sucking men. You will too, no doubt about it.

It sounds like you've had to deal with some awfully tragic events - I'm so sorry for these losses OP. There's nothing more lonely than having to experience these things when you have a partner in your life who just doesn't care ❤️💐

@SummerTime2023 I’ve been in the same situation, finally snapped and said we need to separate in November, signed a lease on a house and we are currently nesting (v bad idea with a narcissist but it was the only way to physically separate without leaving the family home and kids). I am now progressing to end the nesting arrangement and then arrange property division.

Like others have said he has made this as hard as possible - screaming rages in front of our young DC, took all of our joint funds and put them in his own account, threatened suicide, went through all my drawers/handbags - nothing was private, accused me of having an affair when Inwas washing the sheets 🤪

Like you I am financially independent thank God. Fighting him for maintenance would be horrible.

It has been so incredibly stressful but you know what? - not as stressful as being married to an abusive cunt. I feel 1000x lighter. I am looking ahead with happiness, I no longer feel constantly anxious, although the kids have been upset they are doping really well. The only reason I don’t regtet doing it 5 years ago is that I wouldn’t have my daughter. Good luck ❤️

Thank you everyone for all your supportive replies.

I gather a lot of narcissists are quite angry, here there is the odd flash of anger but mostly it's very quiet and constant, a way of life. The stonewalling and lack of empathy are the two biggest things for me. To the outside people will be shocked but to be honest I have zero desire to explain, I know.

It isn't my place to label my husband I guess, to me he has a huge amount of narcissistic traits and most importantly, from someone who has a lot of patience, empathy, willingness to give him plenty of chance over the years, I've had enough. I'm so glad it's finally resonated with me, in my soul that this isn't right, it's not good enough, my DC and I deserve a lot better.

You really do @SummerTime2023

Noone would believe mine was such a rage monster either. To the outside world and even to close friends who have known him 25+ years he is quiet, reserved, hard working, a bit shy.

Stonewalling, contempt and a complete lack of empathy were standard in our house.

example - I vomited every single morning through both my pregnancies. When I was about 6 months pregnant with DC2 I was doing my usual routine of being violently sick in the bathroom off the hallway and i heard the door from the hallway to the kitchen shut. After I finished the puke session I went in and asked why he had shut the door. “Oh I’m just so bored of listening to that every morning.”

🫤 And it still took me another 5 years to leave 🤯

Your last line says it all,u do deserve better. Imagine putting the key in the door and walking into calm. Keep focused. Keep everything close to your chest. You can do this OP.

It’s hard when they are all quiet and demonstrate anger in ways that aren’t explosive. Because it’s so easy for them to pretend that it’s you that’s the problem.

I remember saying to the police about my STBXH that he’s going to present to them as the poor, confused, reasonable nice guilt utterly bewildered by his crazy wife. He’s also very short (like 5’4 short) and has said out loud several times how he uses this to get away with things ‘oh quiet little Tim [not his real name]; he’s no threat’. Examples going back to his school
days (so it’s deep seated!). The officer said they’re used to it. Something like ‘they often do’.

Covert narcissism is a thing. It’s awful to live with. I’m glad you’re making plans to get out.

My advice would be to use this period before you tackle him directly to really, really plan. Get all the financial information you can - everything that will be required on both sides for a financial settlement. Tell your solicitor everything, and set everything up so that you are totally prepared when you tell him you’re divorcing him.

Even then, expect him to be difficult and awful in ways you won’t be able to anticipate.

@SquidwardBound mine is short too! Any future partner I have will be minimum 6’3 to eliminate the risk of Napoleon Syndrome.

I used exh's health thing as an opportunity to leave! I was vilified and caused disbelief and outrage, but it was the best thing I ever did. Good luck!

Great advice from @SquidwardBound

If you have joint funds, set up your own account and put some money in there (I learnt the hard way when H appropriated all our funds - but also it’s hard to keep things private when they can see all your transactions.

Find a space they don’t have access to (e.g. at work) to store anything private.

Find a good therapist and lawyer and instruct the lawyer so they can act for you immediately if they need you to.