It's finally resonated with me - I'm married to a narcissistic twat

[SummerTime2023]

Finally it's hit me, the scales that I've kept up have finally fallen. I'm relieved.

The last straw in 10 years of being disrespected, being blamed for everything negative in our family life, making out like everything he does should have me on bended knee to him, undermined, stonewalled, my heart broken into a million pieces constantly, hoping he will love me, not being there for me when I went through the hell of death, miscarriage, life's ups and downs. Having so little empathy with me that at times it feels humane.

It's very clear now, he only loves himself even though I know he is deeply insecure deep down.

The catalyst for all this, a sibling's tragic death well before their time and he was zero comfort to me, he made my life more difficult. I'm done. Oh and the 5 years of intensive therapy that I've done on myself, including why I have allowed this to go on for so long.

Nothing is ever his fault. He wouldn't engage in marriage therapy 4 years ago and now I have no energy or desire to beg him to. He's perfect the way he is, don't you know.

He is currently going through a health thing, I've been as humanely supportive as I can be but once this is over, we are done, done. I've disengaged since my sibling died, I can't do this anymore, my brother's death has floored me and he hasn't afforded me the comfort of what a stranger would give you in such circumstances. He isn't happy as to him his health scare is the most important thing, threatened to leave me, I said I think it's a good idea, he got a shock, nothing since. He did say he was sick of my family and me and our drama aka dying, sickness, cancer, miscarriage. Once this health thing is over, I will be setting out my boundaries to him. We have two DC, he will blame me for all this but I know the truth.

I guess I'm just writing this as I know I have a hard road ahead as I am literally dealing with a teenage boy. Thankfully I am financially independent due to staying working even when he didn't want me to.

Ladies, if any of what I've written rings through, you're worth more. My daughter will from now on be getting this lesson from me. I'm only sorry I've allowed this model of marriage to be seen by her. Thankfully my son is too young to have absorbed anything.

I think I’ll just avoid the whole relationships with men thing entirely. Forevermore.

But, yes, short man syndrome is really a thing. The chip on H’s shoulder about height is bigger than he is. The number of times I’ve heard utter nonsense about how he doesn’t care about height/doesn’t understand why people think it matters but tall people are all useless and ugly and crap etc. 🙄

🤣🤣🤣 Ok buddy!

DH was extremely critical of physical shortcomings - called me fat (from sizes 8-14 and back again so it ceased to really have an impact) … when I pointed out that I’d never commented on any aspect of his physical appearance “like your height for example” he looked at me blankly and said “but I can’t change that” (so on the basis criticising my weight was ok - from his throne of perfection. Twat)

Don't reveal any of your plans to him.
Get copies of his pensions, all finances. Anything you can.
Don't delay!!
Good luck.

Great advice above, particularly @SquidwardBound

OP,

Get any sentimental bits that you treasure, photos, jewellery etc out of the house and leave with friends.
Don't give him the chance to destroy what you can't replace.

My youngest was in primary school, but not close to this little girl.
After we came back after summer a friend of mine mentioned that her parents were divorcing.
Another mother had met her and asked how she was and hoped she was ok etc.
She looked her in the eye and said "All good thanks, just relieved we got out safely".
She said nothing else but that, she didn't need to.
I think it was devastating in its simplicity.

She is a successful solicitor.

You don't need to explain anything, but a line like that says everything IMO.

He will feel entitled to your money so get it out of any joint account.

You know this is an extremely abusive, controlling relationship so make sure you spell out to your solicitor how ugly, unhinged and dangerous he is.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

The really ridiculous thing is that I genuinely wasn’t bothered about his height… until his attitude about it all, and everything else, affected how I saw him.

It was only later, and especially once I’d recognised how systematically been destroying any aspect of my self-esteem he could, that I started to look at him standing next to other men and thought: ‘eurgh. He really he’s tiny.’

She looked her in the eye and said "All good thanks, just relieved we got out safely".
She said nothing else but that, she didn't need to. I think it was devastating in its simplicity.

Definitely. And very telling about a history of not being believed but still coming to the point where she realises that it doesn’t matter. The simple, basic truth is that it’s good they got out safely.

me too @SquidwardBound !

@billy1966 I’m a very senior lawyer, as is H. No one believed what had been going on in our marriage - I put in some Oscar worthy performances.

This Christmas just been I spent Christmas night with my 2 kids aged 4 &8 in my bed while H sat on the back deck hammering me with abusive texts, after screaming abuse at me in front of the kids and making DS cry (for the second time that day. The first time was that morning when he decided DS had too much maple syrup on the pancakes I had made him and threw then mm down the sink). H had decided I had put music on (Rihanna - Take a Bow) to goad him. I had my family on standby to come over as I was so scared he was going to harm us.

God I am SO glad our marriage is over.

Good luck OP. You can do this!

You poor woman.
These men are terrorists in the home.

This is a decade old.
It later emerged that the catalyst was her darling father's cancer diagnosis early that summer.
He told her that he would have little peace knowing she was was still married to him when he was gone.

That gave her the push she needed.

Her husband has a business and ten years on I would still bad mouth him if his name ever came up. Twat.

I cannot imagine the relief of getting away @Endoftheroad12345
Will you be able to leverage those texts as proof of abuse?

My close solicitor friend is involved in a DV charity and she has told me that the worst cases are often isolated professional women in affluent areas that aren't physically abused by are mentally tormented.

It is often only when they have teenagers that start actively avoiding being at home and start staying with friends that they realise that they haven't protected them, they know well how toxic the family is and are now avoiding being at home.

One of my daughters has a newish friend of two years, lovely girl.
I have met the mum a few times, lovely woman.
Very wealthy.
But my daughter has told me a few things and I asked her directly, "is X's father a twat?" And she has replied "yes, he sulks a lot and her mum is very stressed by him"...🙄

I took the opportunity to talk to her about twatty men and to explicitly state that her lovely father is NOT what all men are like.

Yes I think I will @billy1966 if he pushes me on childcare arrangements. He is pushing for 50:50 and I won’t agree to it. It is only to punish me - he never wanted to do half the childcare before!

I agonised over the kids and whether I should stay for them but eventually I realised it was better to leave while they were younger, rather than traumatise them witnessing the conflict or role modelling a relationship that was totally devoid of empathy and affection. Telling them we had split was my biggest fear. On the day we did it I was dry retching with anxiety and H stood over me jabbing his finger at me “this is YOUR decision - YOU are doing this to our kids”. By leaving him I am giving away an outwardly lovely life - the beach house will need to be sold, the extravagant overseas holidays stopped, I’ll be a single mother with a gigantic mortgage - but I am SO HAPPY. People who barely know me (and don’t know we have split) have commented on how happy I look “you look like a weight has lifted”

Terrorising is the word. Funnily enough my dad has cancer too - it gives me some comfort to think that when he dies, I won’t be trapped in a lonely marriage with an unkind man who has zero empathy. My dad is very kind and friendly - as am I! - so I’m not sure why I accepted being married to a psychopathic arsehole for so long.

isolated professional women in affluent areas that aren't physically abused by are mentally tormented

Describes my marriage very well. He’s done his best to ensure isolation. And he’s very good at mental torment - it cannot be accidental that he pretty much always manages to choose the course of action that will most negatively affect me, but in such a way that he can claim it’s me being ridiculous. Or, when he’s overtly nasty to me, he does it when the only witness is our toddler. And then later sends a message claiming that I’m the problem for ‘going off on one’ or something. Walking away from him because he’s saying unacceptable things, refusing to talk to him under those circumstances/ in front of DS and telling him to leave my home are ‘going off on one’. And crazy behaviour apparently.

He’s also - as you can imagine - extremely good at weaponising pop psychology speak. Shutting down and refusing to engage with a critical, contemptuous, relentless man is ‘stonewalling’ and that’s abusive, don’t you know. Even if the reality is me running away and him following me around insisting that I must talk to him and refusing to leave because it’s technically his house still.

I’m glad your DD can see her friend’s father is an arsehole.

I know you say you will wait for his health scare to be over, but I would just plough on with your plans. Leaving a narcissist requires no negotiation, you need to plan it all in secret and then up and leave in a day.

Use this time to get your ducks in a row so to speak, and give yourself a realistic but near deadline.

Good luck!

@SummerTime2023 I really hope you are right and that he will be reasonable about separation / divorce / money etc . But you need to know that 99.9% of narcissists are a nightmare to divorce. I’ve spent the last two years trying to divorce by STBXH. I’ve had to cash in my pension to pay legal fees, he has pulled every trick in the book to stall it and run up costs.

I’ve offered many times to settle for 50% of assets but he wants to have 80% of everything ( even though I have all of our children all of the time and he doesn’t pay a penny child support ).

He has made allegations going back more than 20 years, that I have only been able to defend because I’ve kept all my diaries, and bank statements etc.

So my advice to you is to keep and document everything, try to think of every nasty and unreasonable thing that he could do and assume that he will do it. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

omg @SquidwardBound were we married to the same person?! Mine has a psychology degree. The irony

And has diagnosed me with “avoidant attachment” issues (because I left him). Hell yeah I want to avoid him. Forever!

I am glad to hear that.

I would look at going after him professionally.

If you report his abuse to the police, with these texts, you could also report him to the law society?

I think his going after the children warrants a full nuclear option.

What is your legal advice advising?

Gather every bit of proof you have and print them out.

Ask your legal advice is it enough to go to the police.

Men like him hate being exposed, so tell people the truth.
Let him become the source of gossip.

Her husband quickly knew that the word was out, when he was blanked by so many parents who would only salute his child and give him the filthiest of looks...(me amoung them), he was very very rarely seen at the gates after that.

There daughter has had issues, so don't doubt that jou are absolutely doing the right thing.

Eating issues, anxiety, self harm, acting out, depression, are the hall marks of an abusive home.

You are giving your children the chance of a happy future by doing this.

Use the nuclear option and be very clear why.

He has abused you and them.
Now that you are divorcing him, he is prepared to weaponise the children.

Can you show his lack of involvement in their care pre you leaving?

Going after him professionally is the way to go.

When I was working many years ago, there was an engineer in his 30's.

I worked in finance and had very very little to do with him.

One day a woman came to reception and handed in a letter to be past up to him.
She told the receptionists, there were two on, "pls pass this to X, they are photos of my sisters bruises, if he comes near her again, we are going to the police".😳

Well you can imagine the reaction of the receptionist.
They called the HR director and handed the envelope over, and he was called in.

The two receptionists were extremely indiscreet (one of the reasons I liked them😁).

Everyone knew within 48 hours.

He was put on gardening leave by HR, while he "regularlised" his private life, and NEVER returned.

Three months later his exit was in the periodic newsletter that he had left.

In 1990 there wasn't SM but the professional gossip grapevine was very effective.

I never forgot this.
That's how you deal with abusers, you shine a light on them and go after their reputation.
Abusers hate being the subject of gossip.

This is excellent advice and has been borne out on MN many many timescover the years when divorcing a narcissistic ex.

Expecting a shed of decency to emerge will cost you dearly, emotionally and financially.

Far wiser to go in very hard with the full nuclear option.

He doesn't care who he will take down, certainly not your children, as he goes all out to get you for having the temerity to leave him.

Preparing yourself and arming yourself for the worst from him, IS the way to go IMO.

Going after his livelihood and reputation is how you do that.

You are so right @billy1966 - the reason he has been able to maintain this lovely family man image for so long is because I maintained it for him! Talk about Stockholm syndrome.

My lawyer is (a) very very good and (b) someone who is known to us both socially - lots and lots of friends in common - and to him professionally (they used to work together). He will HATE her involvement but it will also force him to behave himself to maintain the image.

It’s very very sinister when the scales fall from your eyes. I always thought I stood up for myself and that essentially he was a good person with an anger problem. But I was projecting that. He’s actually the opposite - a narcissistic, angry person who can be “good” when things are going his way (his wife is being compliant/he is on holiday/everyone is doing exactly what he wants them to be doing). Our marriage really hit the skids after we had kids - children require you to be selfless and don’t follow orders and both of those things stressed and enraged him (focussed on me not them, thank God).

Thank goodness you have chosen so well.
So important.

It will be killing him that HIS behaviour is being revealed.

One thing that I am reminded of is how selective the memory is of abusive men is.

They are very good at denial to others AND themselves.

They happily feign denial, disbelief and outrage when presented with their abusive behaviour.

But you have hard evidence.
He will not like being presented with THAT.

THAT is why printing out reams of his abusive texts and sending them via your solicitor as the basis of a complaint both to the police and followed on to his profile body IS worth discussing.

Also remember HIS legal representation will be seeing clearly his character in the correspondence you send too.

Let them see EXACTLY who they are representing.
Of course they will be well used to dealing with scum, but his ego will be appalled at how he is painted in correspondence with proof!

Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty.

You could waste many more years trying to be reasonable with him and taking the "high road".

It will be a real waste of YOUR time and peace.

Far wiser to let him know that you are prepared to really disgrace and expose him.

I strongly recommend you give your friends/family permission to be indiscreet about just how awful this man is.

It could be the actions that gets him to want to move on from this, his own self interest.