How can I stop feeling lonely

[Desperation]

44 and in the process of getting a divorce from a verbally abusive man. 2 children 6 and 11. No family in the UK. Sexless marriage for the last 5 years and crap sex before that. Years of gaslighting, demeaning behaviour from stbx.

I work full time - high pressure job, often catching up after children asleep. Stbx has moved out and has been jobless for many years. I have been feeling crap for several years emotionally and physically (perimeopausal, overweight size 16) and started HRT recently.

I feel such doom thinking of the long lonely years ahead. I swing between work (mostly office-based) and childcare. I feel overwhelmed all the time. Feel like my life is over - i will never find companionship/ love / a fulfilling relationship again. I feel so alone and suffer extremely low self esteem (although put on my game face for work). Feel jealous of the seemingly happy marriages around me. Everyone around me seems to be married, in relationships.

It may be my appearance, my weight that seems to keep men away, although try to stay well-groomed. In any case, I have no bandwidth for OLD, to even step out in evenings. Children clingy, very upset at the divorce, demand attention. Stbx in temp accommodation, cant have children overnight so no break for me.

Where do i even start to set things right in my life, even if it is possible. I feel so low but have to soldier on for the kids. Cant seem to feel good about anything and cant imagine living my life alone.

Hey, to be honest, time and support.

I think it is a good idea to focus on you and the kids for now. Don’t worry about other people and what they’re doing. You’ll find your spot, with or without a life partner. I am sure you’ll be much happier in time from where you were with STBXH.

Easier said than done, tbh, and I write this as someone in a similar situation. It has been 12 weeks for me and I am still not as sorted as I feel I should be BUT I have come along way since he moved out. Yes, it is hard as mine also doesn’t have a perm base and doesn’t have the kids regularly. It is exhausting and testing, but early nights are helping. As is doing teeny things - I can’t outsource cleaning anymore, but if you can or do, that is helpful.

Be kind to yourself. Take each day and achieve that - even little wins make a note of - they all add up.

GP. Do you need antidepressants to help you whilst all of this is going on? I am on St. Johns Wort (this may not be good with HRT).

Give yourself time to figure stuff out as there is so much going on. By this I mean, manage your expectations - Rome wasn’t built in a day. You may have days where nothing gets done, fine, but also try doing things in 10 min chunks - dishwasher loaded/wash put on etc. note these as achievements.

Review your childcare. Are they in wrap around? Does it give you what you need? Does school know and can give some help there?

Friends/Family - can they have the kids every now and then to help you have a break? Same with kid’s friends - can they go to their friends for a bit/sleepovers?

Work - Do you need time off?

I agree with the above.

Also I'm a big advocate for physical activity helping with depression. Even just fast paced walking for 30mins - 45 mins a day will help.

You can break it up into 15 min sessions I.e. lunch breaks or when children are with their father.

Divorce is a stressful situation in life, so be kind and patient to yourself.

Thank you @greengrassornot and @Guavafish1
I do have an afterschool nanny and a cleaner once a week - dont know how i would survive without. But no local family to pitch in, say on weekends. Cant really afford additional childcare for evenings out and also too knackered to want to go anywhere, and prefer time with the kids in any case.

I do walk - not everyday. I used to have 3 to 4 glasses of wine every week and felt i was relying on alcohol to get through my week. I have cut this down to not drinking at home at all and only on rare social occasions. My weight though is stubbornly where it was. My sleep is often patchy and disturbed.

I dont want to take anti depressants i doubt it will help. What i feel i need is to discover some life and companionship (that probably means male companionship) somewhere and feel better about myself, not so alone. I just hate being on my own. This isnt the life i ever imagined i would have. I have worked very hard and although i am aware people face much worse challenges than i am, i feel i just need to break out of my current constraints.

Male companionship past a certain point in life such as having children/divorce etc is a tall order. A lot of men by this point are jaded, broken, cynical. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack to find someone decent and attractive. There are many sub standard men available on OLD if you're looking for "any body". Would you consider fwb? That's a lot easier to find since most men are only interested in sex anyway and it wouldn't be too much of a constraint time-wise and availability. If anything, it could make for a nice "time out" away from your day to day responsibilities and make you feel good!

@Goatbilly possibly but no opportunities for that either, for the forseeable future.

I’d focus on joining a single mums group to get emotional support and company. You could also try a single parents holiday. It sounds like it’s too soon for dating though? I’d honestly focus on feeling better within yourself first before trying to date again.

Most single parents in my experience are burnt out (unless thye have very good support networks in place). It is a myth that single parents need other single parents ' support. And another fallacy is abi"feeling better" before dating, what does that even mean? Most people relationships don't work like that.

So there's no way out, is there? Continue to feel crap and burnt out and alone till the children get much older - possibly not even then, since teenage has its own set of challenges. I would very much like for my children to go to their dad's a few days a month and let him bear their responsibility but not sure when / if that will ever happen. I am the default parent for everything. I feel like i have no existence apart from trying to progress in my career and holding together domestic life and childcare.

Do something you can be proud of. It's the best way to support your self esteem. People with high self esteem don't feel lonely when they're alone, because they've got a brilliant person to keep them busy and entertained: themselves.

I'm so feeling this 😭

I get this
I posted similar awhile back and someone mentioned podcasts which sounds silly but helped a bit
But it’s a really hard situation, am in a similar boat

i cant help kicking myself for being where I am, ignoring warning signs for years. I feel i should advise my own children to think very hard before they decide to procreate. Much as i love them, i feel like i don't have a life away from them at all and feel so claustrophobic.

It will get easier, l felt very trapped when my kids were younger, my husband died, l had no support but l created a very different way of life for us and now l am completely comfortable and at ease with just me. When you go through stuff on your own you become more confident and independent. Now my kids are independent l have the chance to date but can't be bothered, l keep myself fit and healthy, l still get interest but l worked very hard to create the life l have so am very protective of it and fussy who l let in.

I think i had high hopes of the "happiness" i would find post separation but it seems much of the same as before, and even tougher at times. Been a hard landing. There is no magic bullet.

I am getting older and the hopes of finding happiness in a relationship are fast dwindling. It feels strange that even today, in most cases it seems mothers are at the receiving end - in marriages, and outside.
I have a few childless female friends who are single and seem to be quite ok not being in a short or long term relationship. Perhaps i am wired differently or need to train myself to be like them.

I perhaps should look for "singles' group holidays" to travel a couple of times a year when the children are taken care of by grandparents.

You're allowed to feel a bit shit when you're in the middle of splitting up with your kids sad.

He can't take them for an overnight but he could take them during the day. Is there a local park with gardens/greenhouses where you can volunteer? Get you outside, doing something physical and meeting new people.

@wafflyversatile kids prefer to spend more time with me (unfortunately) than him on weekends but yes- i do get some time free which then gets spent predominantly on a lie in, life admin, cooking and perhaps a walk or meeting a friend for a coffee. Just very time poor to be able to carve out meaningful chunks of time.

@Desperation the life admin and everything else will still be there. Even if the kids prefer to spend time with you, I would be enforcing them to spend regular time with their dad - even if it is a few hours. It is hard to start with, but I sense your expectations of this new chapter aren’t what you had hoped for immediately - you’re not alone feeling this!

You set the rules, you do what you need to do. You will become more comfortable in time - how long has it been since he moved out? I know you had likely checked out way before but the time he was physically out makes it all the more real.

You mention your job too. I equally have a high pressure, senior role, but I have reassessed what’s essential and what’s ‘nice to do’. I don’t have time to do things which aren’t essential anymore.

My biggest piece of advice is stop doing work in your own time at this moment. You can’t balance everything and you will break. Get your boundaries sorted with the kids (you’ll make a rod for your back if you don’t), your ex and work - you’ll get your control back. Saying this as it’s reading like you are in a a bit of a spiral and can’t stop.

Once you have done that you’ll likely notice you have time to have fun, meet new people- all on your terms. It’s hard, I get that, and it’s absolutely lonely at times (can be a lot of the time).

I still cry, get frustrated and have to take myself into another room to swear and have a stomp - at least once a week!

If you want to explore- Fabswingers is a site people mentioned on here. Bot just for swingers but it’s about casual hook ups. I went on for a few weeks and had several chats, didn’t lead to anything as my head wasn’t and still isn’t in the right place, but I needed to know for me. You should read some threads about it and see if it is for you.

Id start with your mental and physical health

there is no way to deny that single parenthood is fxxxxg challenging

in the same boat and one DC has major MH issues
it’s fucking brutal !

but peri meno makes it worse !

in terms of mental the HRT will help
bit also explore other routes , therapy, SSRI and even blogs and reading up on issues

and in terms of phsyical start the self care
I force myself to exercise daily and whilst some days it’s a struggle the health and weight benefits are good 😊

you are in this for the long haul and the more you can exervise and keep active the better

ive had a period of less exercising and more drinking and I feel it already

Look it’s hard core
I’m 3 years jn and I’m learning as I go
but self care is critical mandatory

x

@Desperation It can at times feels relentless but you are in a transition period and that's always challenging, especially if you are already burnt out. Maybe just recognising it's a stage and also nothing in life is permanent. Your life will change as nothing stays the same.

If you are burnt out, how can you help yourself this week? Also set yourself one small goal for this week - I think it will be a case of tiny steps which moves your life forward and makes it more enjoyable.

What do you do for you? Do you watch tv? Browse/scroll online?

Went off this thread for a while since had some more challenges crop up - as if there werent enough already.
Coming out of some of them now. Still desperately overworked and desperately lonely. I find it hard showing that i am in control most if the time - having to put on a mask. especially since i get such little time alone. It is important i keep it together at work (many hours a day), and at home for the children. I dont have many "old friends" who live locally and i am paranoid that i will appear needy to the more recent ones if i ask for help, of any sort. So i dont. I do sometimes sit down and have a good cry but the relief is short lived and i wonder if it is worth the blocked nose, swollen eyes it leaves behind.

I think i am fairly self aware. What i believe will make me happy is self affirmation. Feeling good about myself. Reasonably good sex (not had that for 5 years now, as incredible as that sounds). I miss feel wanted. I feel older than i am. O havent tried OLD because it is difficult for me to afford any mote childcare than i have already. No one i meet at work or on rare social occasions has ever expressed any romantic interest in me in any case. I just feel i will always be alone and embittered.

Bumping in the hope that someone might have suggestions.

OP you had some great advice previously so can only echo what many have advised. Self care, small achieveable goals, and small steps towards building friendships.
It's very early days so l would say do not look for affirmation or validation from a relationship whilst you are vulnerable. If you really feel the need for male company and good sex then you could go down the FWB route (easily found online through dating sites) but that brings its own problems and of course you can risk becoming over attached. You'd have to be very sure not to get over invested.

Do you have room in your house to have a live in au pair? You'd have some company and also they might babysit a night or two a week. Maybe someone who speaks a foreign language - you could swap language classes