How can I stop feeling lonely

[Desperation]

44 and in the process of getting a divorce from a verbally abusive man. 2 children 6 and 11. No family in the UK. Sexless marriage for the last 5 years and crap sex before that. Years of gaslighting, demeaning behaviour from stbx.

I work full time - high pressure job, often catching up after children asleep. Stbx has moved out and has been jobless for many years. I have been feeling crap for several years emotionally and physically (perimeopausal, overweight size 16) and started HRT recently.

I feel such doom thinking of the long lonely years ahead. I swing between work (mostly office-based) and childcare. I feel overwhelmed all the time. Feel like my life is over - i will never find companionship/ love / a fulfilling relationship again. I feel so alone and suffer extremely low self esteem (although put on my game face for work). Feel jealous of the seemingly happy marriages around me. Everyone around me seems to be married, in relationships.

It may be my appearance, my weight that seems to keep men away, although try to stay well-groomed. In any case, I have no bandwidth for OLD, to even step out in evenings. Children clingy, very upset at the divorce, demand attention. Stbx in temp accommodation, cant have children overnight so no break for me.

Where do i even start to set things right in my life, even if it is possible. I feel so low but have to soldier on for the kids. Cant seem to feel good about anything and cant imagine living my life alone.

Definitely get the Dad to step up and take the children his fair share - you'll be really pissed off when he has time for girlfriends and the kids become even less important to him.
Get a fair shared parenting arrangement now before he gets too used to leaving everything to you.

Honestly I think this is the key to how the rest of your life pans out.
Doesn't matter if the kids prefer you, he's their dad and they need to build a relationship with him as well.

You are not alone @Desperation

I am a lone parent of young twins. Dad doesn't see them at all. My parents take them when I'm at work but other than that I have them 24/7.

I don't think anyone outside of our situation can really appreciate the levels of loneliness and isolation we experience. I love my children more than anything but sometimes I burn with resentment at the unfairness of it all.

I'm at the point now where I don't even have the energy to socialise or attempt to meet new people. I'm too tired and mentally exhausted. I feel like the struggles of single parenting have altered my brain chemistry. I'm genuinely not the person I was before.

I'm the same age as you and I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone from now. I've not had a relationship since my ex husband left three years ago. I tried OLD and it's not for me. Just an exhausting waste of time. I'm bisexual and would actually much prefer a same sex relationship moving forward. I can't see it ever happening though.

It is shit.

@Desperation - this sounds very tough indeed. Bear in mind that in addition to recovering from the split, you’re recovering from many years in an abusive marriage. You will still be very deeply wounded by it.

However, there are ways in which you’re making this even harder than it needs to be. I completely get that by the way; I’m great at making things harder for myself than they need to be.

When we’re in a desperation spiral, we can develop tunnel vision and miss some of the easier solutions. For example, upthread you dismissed out of hand the idea of some medical support while you go through this but you sound very depressed. One thing that leaps out at me is that you seem convinced you need to put on a brave face at work and you need to do it all yourself. Probably years of emotional abuse have taught you that you aren’t worthy of kindness and support. That no-one really cares. He’s probably been feeding you a line that you can’t manage without him so you feel determined to prove you can. So you talk about putting on your game face and wearing a mask.

This has got you trying to power on at work to a burn-out degree (your schedule would exhaust anyone even if they weren’t in the midst of a massive personal crisis). This has got you saying that you can’t ask new friends for support. It’s got you planning to warn your children against procreating (for the love of God don’t do that - you’re effectively telling your children you wish they weren’t here (and if you have done it, you may need to do a bit of damage repair but that’s fine - all parents say the wrong thing some time and need to do some damage repair). Also they’re 6 and 11 - you really will get a lot of time back as they get older. Yes, teens need their parents but they also do a hell of a lot for themselves).

It’s also got you looking for unhealthy fixes like another man to fix how you feel about yourself.

But you need to ask for healthy help. Anyone in your shoes would need help. It isn’t a weakness to admit that it’s all got too much. It’s a strength. Let work know you need to take some time. You’re no good to them burnt out or worse because you’ve driven yourself into the ground instead of taking a break. We’ve had very senior members of staff take life breaks because they needed them. It also sets a great example to more junior staff that their employer will support them in self-care when it’s needed. Which in turn makes for a more productive and motivated workforce.

Let new friends know you could do with some childcare support now and then.

Talk to your GP - see what help they can give. Perhaps sign up for therapy.

I get it, OP, I really do. I haven’t been in your situation but I’ve been in your thinking. You think it’s all on you and it’s for you to fix everything. It’s not all on you; it’s not for you to fix everything and it’s an unhelpful way to think. It will hinder your recovery, not help it.

@Dery thank you for taking the time and thought to write this. I agree with much of what you say. The tunnel vision...
Open to the idea of medication, not so much therapy. I did try cbt through health insurance for 3 months - 3 different therapists all virtual though and it didnt do me an ounce of good. Eventually felt i would be better off walking or watching netflix in that wasted time.

I do occasionally take propranolol which helps with anxiety and recently started HRT. Not sure if the latter has helped. I struggle to sleep which makes things worse and agree i am depressed. Cant afford to take time off from work for various reasons, but will speak to the GP again. Or if anyone knows a good therapist (not cbt, something else) i can actually see in person in London.

I do think i would feel better even if temporarily in an fwb or similar sort of set up. I have gone too long without sex, will find OLD etc tough but also dont want to feel that that aspect of my life is probably over - depressing thought, although likely true. I read another mumsnet thread on this recently and it seems like most single men aged 40 to 50 prefer and find younger women. Perhaps that doesnt hold for fwb.

I am mourning the life i didnt have. The certainty and confidence (financial, emotional) that a proper relationship brings. Much as i love my children, i do seem to resen them sometimes for limiting my life choices today.

@ChrisTrepidation I'm very sorry for your situation. Handhold in solidarity.

Sorry for the typos.

I might join a gym. Apart from the obvious benefits of exercise, you will meet people there. You might find one which also has a swimming pool. There could be something happening there which you could take your children to.
Volunteer a little bit if your time each week to a charity you feel strongly about. Take uo gardening and get out to the Garden Centres when kids with their Dad (or not). Your opportunities are many!

Are there any meetups locally. We walked in evenings. Got me out of house. Its not easy op.

A lot of this resonates with me (divorced this year, father sees the kids twice a month by his choice not mine, marriage was beyond crap for a lot of reasons).

Join the gym & squeeze it in before work (it's the adrenaline). Not to get thin, but to feel active and invigorated.

Pick an interesting hobby, something you wouldn't have done before, preferably in a group setting. Yes this means babysitters, and yes they're expensive, but seriously worth cutting back elsewhere for this. Also, if you do try online dating, having an interesting hobby makes you stand out (only date people with interesting hobbies!)

Find friends, online if needs be. FB divorce groups are a mixed bag, but the good ones are great!

Online dating can be fun, but you need to use the paid part of the site so you can filter better (on bumble at least). There are some sweet guys out there recovering from divorces also.

Acknowledge how hard it is, really allow yourself to feel it. It's not fair, and it's really difficult, and it's really different from everything you planned and worked for. Crying into a beer works for me (why is my beer salty?...oh yeah). And then blast some good music and dance it off (dance badly, it's more fun!) Chocolate helps (you earned it in the gym!)

How are your children OP? What really stood out to me was that although you work FT and have afterschool nanny, you feel like you want to escape them and 'unfortunately' they prefer you at weekends? I would say, focus on building meaningful relationships with them at the moment. Quality, one to one time, getting to know them properly, letting them lead the activity choices for the day, getting down on their level. They love you unconditionally, something that no man ever will. Maybe, rather than viewing it all as a chore, view it as a fleeting moment in your life to create meaningful bonds with them.

@Carouselfish the children are 5 and 10 years old. it’s because I work full time and often late into the evening, and also have all the meals, life admin, homework to sort that I get next to no time to myself. To do nothing. Or do to something away from work and chores and children. The demands on my time seem persistent and massive.

Somehow your post sounds quite accusatory and judgemental as if I am wrong to feel that I need time to myself. their dad doesn’t work. I don’t have the option to take an easier / lower paying job which will give me more free time, not that I want to - my career gives some meaning to my life.

What makes you think I don’t know my children when nearly all my time away from work is spent with them? I have been their primary parent since they were born, albeit supported by paid childcare help. I hardly every get to go anywhere socially without them.