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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair

46 replies

Crapname · 05/05/2023 21:32

Just found out DH has been having an emotional affair with someone he met online via a game.

They've been messaging/ flirting for about 2 months. Deep emotional sexual connection, he's in love with her but she lives on the other side of the world. She knows about me, he's spoken about me kindly and our DD

I'm absolutely bereft, I thought we were soul mates. We've just returned from a family holiday, we were strong a team and adored each other. I thought we were meant to be. We've spoken before about how hurt either of us would be in this situation and we so much respect for each other we'd rather end the relationship than have an affair.

He's left, I don't know what to do. Numb

OP posts:

LiliLil · 05/05/2023 21:41

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Prepare yourself for him trying to come back when it all goes wrong with her, if she lives on the other side of the world it’s not going to work is it? He’s living in a fantasy world at the moment and it will all come crashing down on him.

I hope you realise you deserve more, he has completely disrespected you and your family and left you to deal with the devastation. I couldn’t forgive that.

Take practical steps even though it’s the last thing you want to do. See a solicitor, get copies off all financial paperwork.

Do you have support in real life?x

Original poster

Crapname · 05/05/2023 21:46

He's not left to go to her he's left as I gave him my wedding ring and told him to.

He said he's more in love with me and he knows he's been an absolute fool but feels a connection with her. Guess she's giving him what he doesn't get from our relationship.

No support in RL, don't want to tell anyone yet just trying to make sense.

OP posts:

Humanswarm · 05/05/2023 21:47

It is a fantasy world as PP has said. I've been exactly where you are. My exh, started an emotional affair with a lady he met online who lived in Australia..
It won't work and it is a fantasy but, none of that matters.
I spoke to the lady. It changed nothing.
We went on for years..and finally divorced recently.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Trust is gone and believe me, it doesn't come back. However..happiness after this trauma is real.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/05/2023 21:56

Well done op for asking him to leave. Very often, in these situations they need to understand and feel exactly what they will loose.

Use this time to look after yourself, lean on family and friends, tell them what's been happening

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 05/05/2023 22:03

Tell him you need to focus on yourself and eventually finding a "connection" with a grown up, emotionally competent man.

Crikeyohreilly · 05/05/2023 22:23

Right now you need to concentrate on you and how you feel. You are going to cycle through numbness, anger and then devastation then back again. Be kind to yourself and focus on making yourself feel okay. No decisions need to be made right now just get through each minute at a time xx

TennisWithDeborah · 05/05/2023 22:33

You don’t need to make any decisions right now OP. Look after yourself, allow some time to pass. Talk to a trusted friend or relative.

MsDogLady · 06/05/2023 00:34

CN, I’m very sorry that your H has trashed your marriage and family for a

2 month infatuation. He is clearly attracted to the excitement and ego boosts engendered by this shiny new adventure, but in truth he doesn’t even know this OW.

Please be aware that his infidelity is all about his inadequacies: immaturity, selfishness, and weak boundaries. This is not about you or the marriage. He wanted to eat cake, so he gave himself permission when the opportunity arose.

You and H had actually discussed the the meaning of respect and fidelity in your marriage, yet he nevertheless chose to betray your trust. What a poor example he has set for DD.

You were entirely correct to send him packing. He needs to feel the loss of you. I urge you to meet with a solicitor to learn your options, and consider seeking IC for support as you grieve and make decisions.

Personally, this would be it for me. I could no longer trust or respect a man who thought so little of me and our child that he would pursue an affair right under our roof.

Keep posting, CN.

picklesy · 06/05/2023 01:48

for you OP. This must be awful for you.

The problem with people on the internet is that they can appear to be whatever they want to be. It's all a fantasy. There's every chance that she turns out to be a bloke, and it'd serve your DH right for his shit behaviour.

SarahDippity · 06/05/2023 01:55

Well done on your determination and integrity. Feeling numb is completely normal. Rest as much as you can, switch off your phone. Do you have close friends and family to support you?

ZekeZeke · 06/05/2023 07:26

Be prepared for him to minimise the EA, sure they didn't have sex. It was just messaging.
He was depressed. He was lonely. You were busy with the kids. He never would have left you.........

Original poster

Crapname · 06/05/2023 07:49

Thanks all for the support. I asked him to come home last night as rightly or wrongly I needed to try and understand his motives. He hasn't tried to excuse himself. He said he isn't in love with her, he knows he's fucked it all up. 18 years we've been together. He's deleted all the games / apps etc but I know he could just as easily activate them again so that means nothing.

Ironically in the messages he even told this woman (who's apparently polyamerous), if Crapname ever finds out about this, me and her will be over, we've both said it's more damaging than a ONS. Yet that wasn't enough to stop it.

I don't think I can even move on from this in truth. He spoke to her in ways he's never spoken to me, such care and affection and thoughtfulness. Multiple times a day, always before bed and first thing in the morning, while we were on holiday together, on days out with our amazing DD. The bastard even spoke about our relationship, our sex life, he sent her photos of our DD.

DD was meant to be staying with MIL tonight while we had a rare opportunity to a night out. I think I'll tell him to go instead. I was so numb I couldn't cry last night, at the moment I'm hiding in the bedroom while he sees to DD, I don't want her to see me like this

OP posts:

letthatmango · 06/05/2023 08:02

Reading your update is heartbreaking.

You have so much to process here. He has exposed every part of your life to a complete stranger. Torn the walls down of your marriage. Sharing pictures of your sweet daughter made me feel sick. How bloody dare he.

Get hold of a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’, read this book from cover to cover. It will help you understand how little you or your marriage have to do with his choice to cheat. It will help you see that his drive for ego kibbles and validation has led to you and your daughter becoming collateral damage.

Ask him to leave and get some space. Go to a lawyer and make moves to get your ducks in a row. Visit the surviving infidelity website and check out their 180 strategy.

You do not have to end your marriage if you choose not to but you do need time and space to really think if this is something you can reconcile with. And you simply have no idea of you can move forward with him as he is not to be trusted right now.

Im so sorry, you deserve so much better than this.

Original poster

Crapname · 07/05/2023 08:21

So we talked and talked last night. I can't forgive him but I don't want to rip DDs life apart, she's already on high alert as she knows something is not quite right and we had to collect her from MIL last night as she wouldn't settle, this has never happened before. I'm not wearing my rings and I don't want to touch him but I haven't asked him to leave for her sake I want to try and keep things 'normal'

I thought I had one of the good ones we were such a strong team and I would never have thought he would have put us in this position. I thought he was a good person, he worshipped the ground I walked on.

He's devastated but it's too little too late, he also said it's a relief as he hasn't been able to look himself in the eye for the last 2 months. He was flattered, stupidly. She pursued him, I told him it makes no difference who started it, he allowed it to happen for two fucking months.

I can't help but think it's never going to be the same again no matter how hard either of us try. I'm always going to feel not enough for him and I deserve to be someone's everything. Life feels tainted, our best family holiday shadowed with knowing he was messaging her wishing his life could be different.

Apparently he didn't say he loved her, i have no way of proving this without asking him to download the app again and reading every message, I really want to torture myself with this, I want to know EVERYTHING that was said.

OP posts:

letthatmango · 07/05/2023 08:43

If you are determined to stay (and fwiw I offer no judgement as I did stay) then you need 100% transparency. That is access to everything they wrote. You need to know what you’re moving on from. Otherwise the questions will eat you up.

He needs to recover everything for you and leave it with you to process in your own time. As before you do not have to make a decision yet and ime these cake eating cheats often start up contact again if they think they can get away with it, it’s similar to an addiction. If he is remorseful (not regretful) he’ll do everything he can to prove he can be a safe partner.

With all of this knowledge is power, so please get a copy of the recommended book I mentioned and take a look on surviving infidelity website. How to help my spouse heal from my affair is also a great book offering a blueprint for what remorse looks like and ‘safer’ reconciliation.

Please sit on the fence for a while watch his transparency, watch his actions, listen carefully to his words, he made an active choice, he wasn’t pursued. He can stop blaming OW for a start! She could have been anyone, he needed to be a safe partner for you and chose not to be!

Humanswarm · 07/05/2023 09:02

I echo the PP, and say, if he is to stay, you do need total transparency. Redownload the app, read it all. It will be heartbreaking however, you will then know everything.
I think, if you find he has said those words to her, that will add another layer of hurt. And you may feel differently again.
Ultimately, you want to do what's right for your DD, but staying with him, tearing yourself apart daily, mistrusting him will only impact her too. She will pick up on all of this. So you need to decide, which is the option that you can recover from fastest, for the sake of your dd. He's done this remember, not you. You can only pick up the pieces now and protect yourself and dd.
Do read the book, do ask for space to process, do seek support. Do not blame yourself.

Original poster

Crapname · 07/05/2023 09:02

Thanks Letthatmango, I'll have a look for the book on Amazon. You mentioned you stayed after an affair, how did that work out if you don't mind me asking?

As much as I crave to read everything part of me wonders if it will help, I spent 20 mins reading their exchange when I first discovered it which was enough to give me a damn good jist, is reading it all again just going to rip me apart further, what will it gain? On the other hand I'm not sure how much I have 'invented' things that were said, he's denying ever telling her he was on love for example but I'm sure I read it. No asking anyone to answer this btw just thinking out loud so to speak.

He did speak kindly of me to her in many ways, spoke of how he loves me and how he wishes I wouldn't cover up my wobbly tummy as he thinks it's beautiful, wishes I'd be in photographs more for example. He also discussed tiffs we've had and times he thought I was out of order (sometimes I was) Like I say they had a deep connection, that part is harder to accept than the flirtatious nature.

He's remorseful, he can see the devastation he has caused. He's completely left the ball in my court. If I asked him to leave he would accept my decision and be out of the door quickly, he wouldn't fight me for the house.

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 07/05/2023 09:02

You need to make sure it's not you trying to salvage everything. Make sure it's not you trying to rescue your marriage and relationship.

You have done nothing wrong.

It is he who has to do all the legwork, the effort and find his way how to make amends.

Meanwhile, what I would do personally is visit a solicitor and get a handle on things should you divorce. It doesn't mean you have to divorce but it's better to plan ahead.

Although I would divorce him. He's a creep for doing this to you and his family.

He will have all the time in the world to pursue his fantasy relationships. Moron.

Original poster

Crapname · 07/05/2023 09:14

If I do ask him to leave how on earth do I explain this to DD who is 6 and already an incredibly sensitive empathetic soul. He is a wonderfully involved parent, they dote on each other, he's her hero - he was mine too until a couple of days ago

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 07/05/2023 09:15

He can explain it to her. And explain it's all his fault.

She will be fine. She has you.

letthatmango · 07/05/2023 09:18

You're already questioning what you read, that’s why you need it in black and white. Healing from this takes a long time and any questions, any grey areas can delay or set you back. You don’t have to read it all now, but you do need access to it.

TBH right now you’re in fight, flight or freeze mode so you don’t even know if this is something you can accept and move on from. Don’t even try to make any decisions and I agree with pp that it’s worth seeing a lawyer.

I’m very happy I stayed. It was a good few years ago now, but I took reconciliation very seriously and read extensively; I expected my husband to do that too. He made some pretty huge changes to his lifestyle to help me feel safe and hasn’t gone back to his old self at all. but I’d walk if there was the first sign of anything now, I wouldn’t do it again.

It really does help to read, another resource is the affair recovery videos. Honestly your emotional, mental safety is all and if you can’t see that as his priority then you can’t even think about reconciliation.

Original poster

Crapname · 07/05/2023 09:44

Thanks all, lots to think about today. I'm going to try and busy myself until DD is in bed then I'll ask him to log back in so I can see everything.

I'm not sure I'd trust him to explain to DD in an age appropriate way, he'd be too liberal with the truth and that would devastate her. I'm also wrestling with the fact that I don't want her to think this is what you should accept in a loving relationship, I want to teach her to be strong and have self worth if I was giving her advice as a grown up I would tell her to fuck him off. Interestingly DH agreed the same last night.

Part of me thinks he wanted to be found out

OP posts:

Choconut · 07/05/2023 10:10

What an arse OP, he's messed everything up for a fantasy hasn't he? This deep connection isn't a genuine deep connection - they've never even met! I'd bet it's basically her flattering his ego and him falling for it hook line and sinker.

It's made even worse IMO when the onus is then put on you to have to ask him to leave and then to have to know how best to handle things with dd. They rip everything apart and you are the one having to make all the decisions and trying to pick all the pieces up.

From now on you just do what is best for you and dd, you need to really look after yourself. Consider getting yourself a counsellor to offload to and to support you, you need someone in your corner, you've had a huge shock.

BlastedPimples · 07/05/2023 10:37

He wanted to be found out. So what?

Look, he will do it again. And your dd will wonder why you stayed. It's not for her benefit.

At the very least kick him out for a while so you can sort your head out.

LoveBuzzz · 07/05/2023 10:50

I wonder if he’s just used this an outlet to discuss things he wasn’t comfortable talking to you about. It doesn’t excuse it whatsoever, but I wonder if it wasn’t even about her…more about him and having his ego boosted. I can only imagine he felt flattered. It’s very unusual to speak of the wife in such high regard etc.

I really am so so sorry you’re hurting. You absolutely deserve better x x

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