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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair

46 replies

Crapname · 05/05/2023 21:32

Just found out DH has been having an emotional affair with someone he met online via a game.

They've been messaging/ flirting for about 2 months. Deep emotional sexual connection, he's in love with her but she lives on the other side of the world. She knows about me, he's spoken about me kindly and our DD

I'm absolutely bereft, I thought we were soul mates. We've just returned from a family holiday, we were strong a team and adored each other. I thought we were meant to be. We've spoken before about how hurt either of us would be in this situation and we so much respect for each other we'd rather end the relationship than have an affair.

He's left, I don't know what to do. Numb

OP posts:

Original poster

Crapname · 07/05/2023 12:20

LoveBuzzz · 07/05/2023 10:50

I wonder if he’s just used this an outlet to discuss things he wasn’t comfortable talking to you about. It doesn’t excuse it whatsoever, but I wonder if it wasn’t even about her…more about him and having his ego boosted. I can only imagine he felt flattered. It’s very unusual to speak of the wife in such high regard etc.

I really am so so sorry you’re hurting. You absolutely deserve better x x

I think that's very accurate. He was undoubtedly flattered, I've read the whole exchange and he was persued and complimented to the extreme.

It makes not a jot of difference though, he still chose to engage all this time, I don't care if it appeased his ego. He knew what he was doing would likely end our relationship, that's what I meant by wanted to be found out, it would make it easier for him if I left him. He's denying that ofc.

I feel better in a way that I've read the whole thing. Still lots to process and no decision will be made for a long time.

Thank you for replying all, it's helped me to type all this out. I can't reach out to friends or family yet

OP posts:

Thecheatswife · 07/05/2023 14:39

I’ve been in your exact situation. Exact my ‘lovely’ husband was having his EA for almost four years before I found out, by pure fluke. He met her on a Penpals site 🤣. We’d been together almost 28 years by then. I had no idea. None at all. When it all came to light, he’d been in daily contact- multiple days a day, for years. Not just with her, but others too.

The main OW, he’d shared his/ our lives with - with me being totally obvious. Holiday pictures, love letters, writing stories for each other. Everything! It was also as sexual as you could get, without ever touching each other.

It almost sent me insane. He was thrown out for months, and is only back due to lots of complicating factors. It’s a fantasy, an absolute fantasy. But one they’re prepared to throw away the reality of a wife and family for.

It’s over 18 months now since I found out, and I haven’t forgiven him. They rip everything to shreds to fund their stupid egos. Pricks!!

Humanswarm · 07/05/2023 18:52

@Thecheatswife @Crapname it's amazing the narratives that they manage to create. I wondered if my exh actually believed all he was writing at the time..he had forged plans to move to Australia to he with this lady. He'd shared things he'd found online regarding moving there etc..the reality was, we were penniless at the time, I was working full time and he had just given up a role and was job hunting. The very idea he could have moved, even if single was ludicrous. But like both of you, he'd also shared intimate details of our lives/children/photos..
I'll never know if he would have made it physical given half the chance, I actually doubt it, I think it was flattering and an ego boost and he became so embroiled..and of course, it was online, so not even real, right? ( his words)
But, in my mind this was probably worse. So intimate and so cruel, not just to me, but this lady who genuinely believed he was hers and the narrative he span...

HappiestPenguin · 07/05/2023 19:12

After watching a few documentaries these online women may be romance scammers. There was an awful documentary, I think on channel 4, about people who are forced to work as scammers abroad. They even video call! They operate several phones for hours a day and are beaten and electrocuted if they lose a victim.

HappiestPenguin · 07/05/2023 19:15

Sorry posted too soon. So she may or may not be real. Regardless his behaviour is appalling. It no way is this your fault thoug.

QueenofLouisiana · 07/05/2023 19:39

@Crapname this is all very similar to my position about 6 weeks ago. I left for 10 days to get my head straight. Lots of messages about dreaming of having sex, wishing they were both single, what would happen if they could meet up, what they wouldn’t give for a Time Machine to go back in time.
In reality, she is married with two young kids, DH actually turned green when I asked where he was planning to stay when he moved in with her as I was certain her husband would be less than thrilled. It was an exciting, escapist fantasy.
I told him he was a cunt, his son told him he was a fucking arsehole and his dad apparently said even less pleasant things.
He realised that I was planning to leave, it had never occurred to him that this could happen, that his fantasy existence could have any impact on real-life.
I have decided to come back. There are lots of reasons for this. Some linked to our DS, some linked to what I want. Despite it being very much what DH wanted, this was not involved in my decision. I have to live with the fact that they work together. DH has had to tell his boss what has happened so that he can avoid any further issues.
It’s not perfect, but we are trying to rebuild our marriage. He knows I now automatically assume he is lying when he tells me stuff. He has had to accept that. I’m making an effort to be more available, as I realise I was often busy with mundane stuff that didn’t need doing (no one has died because I’m not washing skirting boards).
Whatever you decide, good luck. You must do what is right for you and only you. xx

EarthSight · 07/05/2023 20:01

Sorry you're going through this.

He spoke to her in ways he's never spoken to me, such care and affection and thoughtfulness

I think this says a lot.

You've been together 18 years and knows you well enough by now. If he valued you, he wouldn't have done this. Happy people who are content in their relationships don't have emotional affairs. I'm only saying this because I don't believe that 18 years into a relationship someone could re-evaluate another person and their relationship (which is what he might say if she wants to stay with you). He already knew who you were, and still did this. Most likely cause is boredom, some other resentment, or the loss of your value as a wife (can happen once someone is committed).

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 20:20

@EarthSight I would like to add to this as I have been in this situation too- I don't think it's necessarily 'you' they are unhappy with- I sometimes think it can be more life in general. My H was busy doing this when his mum was dying. When I found out 10 years later quite by chance as I found songs and poems he had written about this very young woman (who was a casual employee of ours) - after turning white as a sheet his first comment was ' it was just a crush/ego boost' at a time I felt really down as you hated my mother- it wasn't about you' not only was that not true, I couldn't believe he would try and pin his piss poor disrespectful behaviour on me. I stayed but have never100% felt the same . I still care, we get on well but it kind of snuffed that special feeling out.

EarthSight · 07/05/2023 20:37

I couldn't believe he would try and pin his piss poor disrespectful behaviour on me

I think it's how low people will go when they're desperate, when they start to grasp at straws. My ex and I had a confrontation over something that ultimately broke my trust in him for good, made me realise some important things, aand made me have to completely re-model my understanding of him as a person. He had the absolute check to say I didn't communicate something, and then when I rubbished that claim, he said I hadn't communicate enough.

There was nothing wrong with my actions. I behaved like a mature adult, and I think part of him knew that. I did find it sinister to think that if I had been even more confused than I was, and lacking in confidence, I would have ended up like those women who blame themselves for their abusive or poor treatment. Those women who have partners who are unwilling to admit to themselves that they've been dickheads, and want their partners carry some of the blame on their shoulders with them, even if their partner is innocent. I remember when he tried that on with me and I just thought it was mostly pathetic, but also 'Ah, this is how women end up getting their minds twisted'. It just added to how differently I viewed him now, how dismayed I was.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 20:46

@EarthSight yes about two weeks later he did out of the blue apologise and said that he was 'bang out of order' but like you say the big issue is when something like this happens whether you stay or leave - you certainly see them with 'fresh eyes' -

Made me change all kinds of things- found myself some friends, stopped always putting him first, stopped making excuses with others for his rather tempestuous behaviour - made sure I always had access to cash

EarthSight · 07/05/2023 20:56

That's sad @Crikeyalmighty It sounds like a part of your relationship died then, and you have been unable to fully invest emotionally like you might naturally because of his actions.

Do you view you as two people on the same side, or more like two people sitting on different planets that are just going in the same direction?

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 21:15

@EarthSight really hard to say. I am 61 and found out 11 years after it happened- which kind of changed things somewhat- if I had found out at the time I would have told him to bugger off. I would say we are great friends who do care about each other but for me the romantic/sexual feelings kind of went out the window. However given that I wouldn't 100 % trust a bloke again , in many ways it's easier to be with someone you do care about and make sure you don't base your whole existence on them-

Maxi54 · 08/05/2023 00:51

I had a fling about a year ago. We met a few times had sex, which wasn’t brilliant. He had Ed problem. He then said he’s too busy to see me and wants to be friends, which I was ok with. I see him on occasion as we live near each other but he doesn’t even acknowledge me. I havnt done anything wrong to him so I just don’t understand why he is blanking me. I am not sure why this is bothering me but it does. How do I move on?

MsDogLady · 08/05/2023 01:48

Hi @Maxi54. If you start your own thread, posters will be happy to help you.

Original poster

Crapname · 08/05/2023 08:53

Sorry to hear of others who have been put in this position. I really thought I had a 'good one' seems he's just another who thinks with his cock first.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 08/05/2023 18:43

@Crapname I don't think it's always thinking with their cock, I think for some it's more of a giant ego boost and I do think some get a buzz from the secrecy too - doing something they know isnt ok- I honestly think it could be anyone too in many cases- it's more about giving them that 'flirt 'feeling that often goes away in long term relationships. It's Something a bit lacking in them that they need romantic validation from someone new. My mother was like this too !! They don't think about the consequences or the total disrespect

Loyaltothedeath · 05/01/2024 20:54

Never be on the back foot to someone who has cheated on you. Don’t express any desire to want to keep them, they have betrayed you and it’s doubtful they have any respect for you. If they plan to leave, let them go, don’t try to negotiate anything, in fact speak as little as possible. If they ask to stay, tell them to leave, have minimal conversation, the time to discuss anything has been and gone a long time ago.
Trust me on this, if you want to keep some semblance of self respect.

Loyaltothedeath · 05/01/2024 21:09

Hi @Crapname, men and women cheat and betray. No man’s cock is capable of thought, that’s too easy a let off, they think with their brain, as we all do, but unfortunately they are disloyal, dishonest, disrespectful and lack integrity.
So, the only conclusion you can draw is you chose the wrong person to be a partner in a monogamous relationship. Time to move on and search for someone who will respect and love you as you deserve.

Annella · 05/01/2024 23:34

I wonder if he’s being romance scammed or cat fished. If he’s been pursued and complimented and it’s gone to this extreme within a couple of months, something feels off to me. Not saying that means he’s innocent here, but if he’s been targeted/exploited/duped then it might be easier to accept if you choose to stay.

neepsa · 29/09/2024 07:23

Hi OP. I’m sorry to resurrect this old thread - but it has given me a lot of advice and solidarity as I too find myself in a very similar situation. How are you doing? Hope you’re ok and things worked out x

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 29/09/2024 07:33

My heart goes out to you, OP. I totally understand wanting to keep the family together for your dd's sake, but perhaps just let him stay elsewhere and sweat for a bit? I worry if you just take him back straight away he won't be motivated to do the work to truly repair this. He said in his messages to the OW that this would be a relationship- ending red line for you. So it might affect his respect for you (even unconsciously) if you show him that wad incorrect and let him back in too easily. I think he needs to feel what he stands to lose here.

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