Is paid therapy worth it?

[Minihippyme89]

I really need to get some professional help to help me get over a lifetime of issues. I am already on antidepressants but I need talking therapy. This is something i have never done before. NHS waiting times are far too long, I want to start getting help and feeling better so I can get on with my life asap so I am willing to pay for this.

The reason I ask if paying is worth it is because my abusive exhusband went to counselling when I ended our marriage. Obviously I don’t know what he told them but he came away blaming me for absolutely everything. I told him at the time you have basically paid someone to tell you what you want to hear. I don’t want someone to tell me what I want to hear, I want to get genuine help for my problems even if they tell me things I don’t want to hear. But I don’t want to spend a lot of money on something that won’t help. Can anyone who has been through this advise please. Thank you for reading.

I've never been in therapy but my teenage DD has had weekly therapy for about 18 months to help with self harming, low mood, anxiety which started in COVID. The self harming stopped almost straight away.
The benefits to her have been immeasurable. On bad days she would go in completely shut off from me, looking unbelievably sad. She came out looking actually lighter, more open to talking. Now she's getting to the point she might not need to go any more (she's down to fortnightly). I am thankful every day that we found the right, trained professional to help her.

Thank you so much for your reply. Can I ask how you found the therapist. I really have no idea where to start. I’m glad your daughter is feeling much better

I had EMDR for PTSD that I paid for; money well spent.

We searched on BACP counselling directory. DD wanted face to face, so we looked at who was available locally and emailed to arrange to meet for a chat. She chose the one she felt most comfortable with, which was actually the first one we met. Don't be afraid to meet a few and see who you gel with. It's such a personal choice.

I think you need to find the right therapist otherwise regardless of whether you are paying or not it won’t be useful.

I’ve had good and bad experiences with both NHS and private counsellors, the best one I worked with was paid for but I don’t feel that’s why she was so good, she was just right for me - I still think about her now and how much she helped me.

In my experience the main advantage of paying is that you’re likely to be seen much quicker.

I hope you can get the help you need to move forward.

It's absolutely essential to me. I'm on a break from therapy at the moment (mainly for logistical reasons) and I'm really feeling it. I sacrifice a lot of other things to pay for it but it's worth every penny.

Yes it’s great and it helps hugely. Best investment I’ve ever made and agree it’s worth every single penny.

I don’t want someone to tell me what I want to hear, I want to get genuine help for my problems even if they tell me things I don’t want to hear.

Therapists don’t tell you what to do but will validate your feelings. Sometimes that feels great because it’s a relief to realise you’re not going mad. Sometimes it’s scary because it means listening to your fears, anxieties, anger etc and depending on your background/conditioning it can feel scary to feel those kinds of feelings.

my abusive exhusband went to counselling when I ended our marriage. Obviously I don’t know what he told them but he came away blaming me for absolutely everything.

Therapy won’t teach you blame others but it’ll help you figure out what’s your responsibility in life and what’s other people’s responsibility. It sounds like your H either very much misinterpreted his therapist or he had a bad one. Blame and responsibility are very different things.

Btw if you have a lifetime of issues (difficult family background?) psychotherapy might be good as it goes deeper than other therapies. You can find a psychotherapist through the UK Council of Psychotherapists.

https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Yes, I have an extremely difficult family background which is still causing chaos in my life. I have went NC with my family but my head is basically spaghetti and it’s becoming too much to deal with.

A few months ago I would have been the last person to be answering this. I was confident, self assured and happy.
Since then my OH announced they no longer have feeings of love for me and also amitted to an emotional affair with a work colleague.
My whole world turned upside down in an instant and I was a mess and an emotional wreck of my former self.
My employer has an employee support scheme and through this I contacted a counsellor over the phone before they put me in touch with a local counsellor who I see weekly, face to face.
Initially we went as a couple but now attend separately, I have found the sessions good, talking about the difficulties and emotins, loss, anger and dispair has been hard but has certainly helped.
Writing a daily diary abiut my feeling has also been beneficial.
A few months on i'm noticing that things are getting easier and the lows are not as dark and despairing as before.
The centre I attend is run by a charity and donations of €50/hr are suggested to those whom are able to pay.
I would certainly recommend going, you'll only get out what you put in and there's no harm trying.

I hate to say it as I know many people find therapy helpful but I do get the bit about you saying the ex got told what he wanted to hear.

I am not saying the therapist specifically said you are right and it is all you ex's fault. However, they will probably constantly say things like no wonder you are feeling like x, y ,z when you have been through a, b, c ect.

They will make all of your feelings feel validated typically even if you are being unreasonable. This makes you feel good but equally at the same time it can give the impression that of course you are feeling awful, you have been hard done by, you don't deserve this. It mostly looks at the situation from a one sided point of view.

Like I say this can be helpful but I don't necessarily think it gives a balanced view of the past to go off of.

I have known of a few people where therapy seems to have actually made family relationships worse. I actually think it can be dangerous sometimes.

Of course there are other cases where family relationships have gotten worse after therapy because the client can actually see things in family members they haven't done before.

I say all this as a volunteer counsellor funnily enough. I guess being on the other side makes you question everything about the kind of difference any interaction you have makes. The trouble is a counsellor can't really be cruel to be kind in a way that a loving family member could. The good ones might try and very gently get clients to explore situations in other ways for themselves.

I'm afraid you're wildly generalising if you believe therapists just validate people's feelings even if they are being unreasonable. I'm a therapist and I challenge my clients all the time. I also support and validate them; the two are not mutually exclusive.

You may have misunderstood the bit about congruence and authenticity being as important as empathy and positive regard. It may be challenging for the therapist but it's part of their role to be gently honest with clients about how they experience them.

It is not dangerous to see family relationships as they really are. It may threaten the status quo but that is rarely a bad thing. It is an opportunity to rebuild healthier and more honest relationships.

OP I really recommend you go to a Directory like Psychology Today, Counselling Directory or the BACP website and choose three or four therapists. Select them on the basis of their specialist areas. In your case something like negative childhood experiences or difficult family backgrounds. A integrative counsellor will have several different approaches to how they work, which can make them flexible in dealing with different clients. Then arrange to speak to them before meeting up. Most therapists will speak to you for 10-15 minutes to talk about how they work. You can then get a feel for whether they might be the right counsellor for you.

If you feel comfortable with one of these counsellors then make an appointment to meet with them. I also suggest you have a counsellor who works face to face rather than online. For most clients I think it's easier to work more deeply when you are in a room together. If you find this counsellor isn't right for you after a few sessions, then you can leave at any time and find someone more suitable.

Be prepared to feel worse before you feel better as you might be stirring up painful things that you've buried for a long time. But it can be the start of a much more authentic you with stronger relationships and more resilience and better tools in dealing with challenges in your life.

Good luck OP.

It's likely that the therapist will have helped him to validate his own feelings, so his truths and your unsuitability for him will have been underlined. But you being unsuitable for him isn't a fault in you, and nor are you to blame for it.

Therapy can be great, but make sure you find someone you feel you can open up to, someone you can trust. Turn down anybody whose approach doesn't immediately encourage you to feel better. It's hard work, and you will bare yourself, so it has to be someone you can ultimately trust, otherwise you won't say the things that are really worth you saying.

I did say the good ones would gently get them to explore situations in other ways (such as challenging them carefully). I am giving my opinion more from a point of view of knowing people who have been to therapy not as a volunteer counsellor.

The people I have known have came out hating their mum. For example, when I know them both and the story in their head seems very exaggerated from reality after counselling. They have gone from a place of mum left me alone for 15 minutes at 10 years old to the whole of my life I was neglected. Like I say, I know them both very well from a neutral point of view, and never throughout their childhood would I have thought they suffered any form of neglect.

This is just one example of a situation I have come across, so it has made me question things more from an insiders point of view. Yes, in some circumstances people begin to see the truth but in others I'm not so sure anymore.

Like the other pp says op you need to contact some therapists off of the counselling directory website and see which ones are the right fit for you. Talk them through your concerns and see how they respond. Don't let me put you off, I have just been questioning myself the whole culture of therapy lately and the impact it is having on society.

Therapists don't tell you what you want to hear. They don't tell you anything really, at least a good one doesn't. The point is to support you to work out what's going on in your own head and find your own solutions and ways to cope with whatever life is throwing at you. You are the expert - they just help you find clarity on what's already there.

I have paid for therapy before, it's not cheap but it's necessary really (sadly) in our current health system. Even the therapy that the NHS do provide is short term and more like a sticking plaster - it won't really get to the bottom of your deep rooted issues/ trauma.

I'm an advocate for it - I think most people would benefit from therapy. Really, it's just talking, but talking is powerful. We all have unresolved stuff that we are carrying around from the past, even those of us who have had relatively smooth lives. We all need someone to bounce our thoughts off and help us figure things out. It can be life changing.

If you want to talk about your past specifically, I recommend finding a psychodynamic therapist. They will help you work through what happened in your relationship, how your past might have a bearing on your life now, what might have led you into that situation in the first place etc.

Check out this database - this is a list of all therapists who are registered with BACP, which is a sort of governing body for counsellors - everyone registered here will be a professional and have met certain standards in terms of ethics and safe practice:

https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/

Well firstly a couple of people you know isn't really scientific, is it? Would you say that if a couple of people had a bad experience at the GP's that going to the doctor's isn't worthwhile?

The other thing is that you cannot possibly know what went on in people's childhoods even if you were there. My sisters say we all had the same childhood, when we absolutely didn't as they didn't experience what I did (they were a lot older and I was the scapegoat). It's like domestic abuse, many people who have been abused may well not tell you the full extent and taken one or two instances can be misleading in any case as it's the pattern of behaviour that causes so much damage.

I certainly don't blame anyone's parents. Blame isn't an appropriate approach. Part of the work is putting their parents' behaviour in context so that they can both understand why they didn't have the childhood they deserved but also how it might have affected them. Clients generally have a balanced view of their childhoods and have compassion for their parents as well as an understanding as to why and how they were personally affected.

I'm a bit worried about your training as a volunteer counsellor if you don't understand this. Counselling isn't a hobby it's a highly trained profession.

Of course I understand this. My questioning isn't just about a few personal examples it is about a whole ray of things. Clearly a couple of posts on mumsnet isn't going to cover it all. I think it is healthy to question everything including whether all clients are coming away with balanced views. I'm not attacking you, you sound like a well rounded therapist.

Yes, no one knows everything about even those who are close to them. Like I say some will come out with a better view of the truth of what has happened to them. Equally, I don't think anyone could say that there is no one out there who has been to therapy who hasn't finished it with a view that isn't balanced. It would be a very difficult area to research though.

Sorry but you literally said in your original post that 'They will make all of your feelings feel validated typically even if you are being unreasonable'. That therapy 'can be dangerous' and that people you know have ended up 'hating their mum' and you have drawn the conclusion that they are unreasonable about this. I am challenging you in particular because you claim greater legitimacy because you are a volunteer counsellor and state insider knowledge.

If all your insider knowledge has shown you is people who haven't benefited from therapy as you present it, then I am seriously concerned about where you work, and the standards of therapy there. If you are only presenting a one sided and negative view, then I think it's important to challenge this. Not because I'm looking for an argument but because I'm passionate about counselling and the benefits it can provide and I don't want people to be put off by reading your posts.

Obviously for reasons of confidentiality I cannot talk about my clients here and wouldn't dream of doing so, but I can certainly say that there are many cases where it has been transformative and even life saving. And that comes from the clients and not from me. I also know of similar stories from my colleagues in group supervision. This is not too big myself up or be defensive but there are enough negative stereotypes about counselling and therapists in the media and it is disappointing to see a counsellor coming on here and trotting them out.

My experience is that therapy saves far more relationships than it destroys and those that don't last the test of the process were not healthy relationships in the first place.

And just to add, of course there are poor and even dangerous practitioners but you can say that about many professions, including nurses, doctors, teachers, social workers etc. no one ever says we shouldn't avail ourselves of their services because some of them are poor.

I can see how passionate you are so it makes sense that you will blindly defend therapy. I do think it can be dangerous in certain circumstances. There is a lot of evidence that suggests counselling can make some people worse.

I don't always think it is down to the therapist either. Say you have an abuser that goes to therapy. Even if the therapist challenges them it isn't always about the therapist. Some people will just hold on to the bits from therapy they want to believe, such as their feelings being validated but forget their behaviour being challenged. Some people just don't have the social and emotional capacity to come out of therapy with a clear and balanced understanding. These individual factors are just yet one other thing.

I don't think it is all bad and I have seen the wonders therapy can do. I have had so much lovely feedback from clients and supervisors too. The OP was especially considering the point of people paying to be told want they want to hear. Some people only hear what they want to hear. Hence, we have been discussing this point in particular.

I do think that in order for any service to provide a good service it needs to be constantly questioned though. It isn't just about there being a couple of bad practitioners making a whole service bad. It is thinking how can we go about addressing these possible factors if they are indeed factors?

Like I say I am just questioning myself at the moment. I don't know if as society we are placing too much emphasis on placing problems on the individual. I'm questioning it all. It doesn't mean that anyone is wrong or right and people are free to choose what they feel is best for them.

It's about the client and therapist forming a relationship, that's why it often doesn't work. I don't understand why there isn't a mechanism where we can meet them first and see if we can feel any potential for trust. If successful, this will be a hugely intimate relationship. This person is going to know all your little secrets that you've never told anyone else, and yet we have to pay even just to meet them, or worse, are just 'assigned' someone. That's like saying a relationship will work because it works on paper.

OP it works if you find someone suitable, and it's your job to be responsible for that. Many people go to counselling because they haven't recognised that they are responsible for removing harmful/non trusting relationships from their lives, it's bound to go wrong sometimes.

I'm a therapist and offer a free no obligation 30 minutes for an initial discussion as I also agree with this.

I have now been in therapy off and on (mostly on) for four years, since dh's sudden death. I am not sure what the family members who blame me for dh's death would think about that - they probably would see it as self-indulgence and that the therapist is telling me what I want to hear. But therapy is one of the things that has allowed me to see both that I did miss doing some things that might have delayed dh's death, but also that I am not to blame for it. It has helped me support the relationships I value and stop fighting for relationships that aren't working (eg with those family members!) It allows me to keep going.

I don't know that it makes me a better person. I'm not always sure exactly what we are doing. I do know I have a relationship now that is unlike any I've previously had, that my son is flourishing, that I'm close to my family and some of dh's family, that I'm working full time. I credit therapy with at least some of that.

IME, therapy isn't a cure. So it won't be like your family background never happened but it will (should) give you tols for thinking about things differently and strategies for managing how you feel about it. But it doesn't stop the thoughts or how you feel completely.

It's a lot of hard work, you will feel (much) worse before you get better.

But it's worth it if you get a good one.

I really recommend it, it did more for me than antidepressants ever did and I actually came off mine after I completed my therapy.
I think you do have to get a therapist you gel well with so don't be afraid to try someone different if the first person you speak to doesn't make you feel able to open up.
You also need to be in an open mindset, willing to follow through on any actions you agree to help get better.
Good luck with whatever you decide x