@Minihippyme89 I've got no special expertise other than my own experience which I'm happy to share.
I went through a big break-up last year and looked for a therapist who would help me unravel the fallout from that and the general mess of my self that had become apparent over the 2-3 years while the relationship was in its death throes. Like you, I also had a lot of unresolved childhood issues (including some NC relationships) and it was quite hard to know where to begin tbh.
This is how I found my therapist. First I did a search of the BACP directory based on my postcode. I live somewhere quite densely populated, so that threw up a lot of possibilities. Next I ruled out male therapists, anyone who only did online consultations, and anyone whose profile showed no photo. Then I went through everyone left and picked out people who I felt "looked nice" (obviously very subjective but I guess at some level I was looking for someone "like me" who might under other circumstances have been a friend, if that makes sense). Also, because I knew I had a lot of longstanding unpacked baggage, I also kept in the mix anyone with hypnotherapy or EMDR experience, in case I needed help cutting through my crap. Finally, I read the CVs of everyone left and picked out about half a dozen to approach. There was one in particular who I thought I might click with, and she ended up being the only one with a slot for me (in fact she was just finishing up with a client and squeezed me in for a couple of weeks before there was space for me to have my own weekly slot).
Daft as that process may sound, it worked for me. Over the years I've tried counselling or therapy several times but never had much choice about who I saw, and it never worked. My current person is on my wavelength, keeps up and mostly gets the tone right with me. I've been seeing her for about 8 months and I feel comfortable enough now that if she hits a bum note or a session 'feels wrong', I feel able to say so and explain why, which is a healthy relationship dynamic that tbh I've never had before.
If you had a bad childhood, my strong advice would be to look for someone who can use EMDR as well as talking, because it can help you cut through old memories to their emotional content, which in my experience can surprise you even if your memories are very vivid and you thought they were complete. I've been impressed at how efficient a process that can be, which is important when you're funding sessions privately, even if you also (like me) like to go old school and just talk in other sessions.
To address the thing about therapists "telling you what you want to hear", I think this is a misunderstanding someone might come away with if they only did a few sessions and then gave up. Therapists seem (someone will correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure) to try and create a relationship of unconditional support for you, a bit like being the ideal parent most of us never had, so you can feel safe enough to be honest and let your guard down. One aspect of that is accepting at face value what nowadays tends to get called 'your truth'. You tell them it how you see it, without them jumping on your version of things and picking holes in it. But they are validating your feelings rather than your opinions, because in reality what's mostly under discussion is not 'what happened' but 'how you felt about it', and what flows from that is something only you need to understand. Your therapist is a facilitator not an adjudicator. Eventually, you will come to understand (for instance) that something was abusive or controlling or not your fault, or actually was more your responsibility than you accepted at the time, but all of those insights are the fruits of the work you will do, not some assessment of events that you pay your therapist to provide you with. That said, they can and will challenge you too once the trust and sense of safety is in place, or mine does anyway.
I am so sorry for what you've obviously been through, both recently and a long time ago. Like you, I was looking for peace and had reached a point where all the spaghetti in my head, as you so beautifully put it, was affecting my physical health, and things were quite close to crisis point. I can't really afford my sessions but think they're worth every penny so I commit to them, and I recognise that already things are massively better, even though I probably also have a long way to go. Some sessions are more dynamic than others but I get something out of all of them, often leave feeling much clearer and lighter, and almost always do even more work in my head during the week than in the consultation room during the hour.
Sorry for the essay, but I hope some of this is helpful to you. 