Page 3 | One sided emotional affair? Or infatuation?

daisychazz · 2023-05-05T13:54:02+00:00

NC for this. I have been happily married to DH for 21 years, together for 28. One DD grown up. He really is a DH - kind, caring, has always provided for us and loves me dearly. And I love him, so so much and I cannot imagine life without him. I was young when we got together. He’s ten years older than me. I have a part time job in an industry I absolutely love and doing something that fulfills me and keeps me going as my “day job” is boring and u fulfilling. I work very closely with a colleague in my part time job who I have had a crush/infatuation with for five years. Colleague has no idea. I don’t want to feel like this. If I could flick a switch and turn it off I would. I absolutely hate myself for having these feelings. I would never act on them. I am pretty sure colleague does not feel the same way. We have become very good friends, we have a lot in common and I have to work very closely with him for my part time job. We are sort of a team of two. Neither of us can move to different roles. He’s kind of the boss. I know the most sensible option is for me to leave the part time job, but honestly, I’m pushing 50 snd I’ve never ever done a job I’ve loved, always just jobs that pay the bills. And I truly love this job. I mean not just because of him, this is an industry I have dreamed of working in for my whole life. The job is like a dream come true. It would destroy me to quit. But keeping all of this inside me is driving me crazy. For five years. I plan on telling colleague how I feel tomorrow. Is this a bad idea? For context this is not a corporate job with a contract type part time job, it’s a casual arrangement. Myself and colleague work remotely on it most evenings and weekends. sorry for the essay!

GoodNightsSleep · 05/05/2023 17:08

An unreciprocated crush should be kept known only to yourself. Telling the target or your partner can only lead to difficulties in both relationships. You have to either live with a crush or take steps to avoid contact.

mysonsmother82 · 05/05/2023 17:25

daisychazz · 05/05/2023 15:13

I just want the feelings to stop. I don’t know how to make them stop apart from not seeing colleague, and that means giving up the job. I can’t imagine life without this job it’s so good.

Have you heard of limrance? I'd never heard of it until I read something yesterday, Google it, it sounds like what you are describing.
Either way definitely do not tell him! No good will come of it, give any reason other than this if he asks why your acting strange he does not need to know!

Seaoftroubles · 05/05/2023 17:34

What are you hoping will happen?
Do you want to cause your crush embarrassment and make working with him impossible or do you actually want to have an emotional affair?
If you feel you have no self control then you have to leave the job out of fairness to him and your poor unsuspecting husband.
Meanwhile perhaps have some counselling so you can express these feelings with someone impartial and get advice on how to manage them.

msssm · 05/05/2023 17:46

Thewookiemustgo · 05/05/2023 17:01

You state above that your marriage is the most important thing to you. If this is true, this whole thing is a no-brainer. Nothing can or should ever happen with this colleague.
A five year infatuation sounds more like it became an obsessive habit that has added another dimension to your ‘dream job’.

Put the focus on where it should be, your husband, if as you say he is so very important to you and you love him.
Nobody can help getting a crush or finding someone attractive, it’s normal, but your marriage means that nothing can happen. Nothing.
You need to plan something for you and your husband to do or divert your thoughts to the task in hand every time the obsessive thoughts cross your mind. Force yourself away from the crush thoughts to something else. You’re at work, get busy.
As far as telling him this man goes, (oh dear God) what do you stand to gain by doing this? He will either:
a) feel immensely embarrassed and awkward and consider moving jobs himself just to get as far away as possible from obsessive five year crushing lady or
b) try to laugh it off and pretend it didn’t happen or
c) declare he feels exactly the same way but never dared say anything and the two of you will start a two way emotional affair or end up having a full physical affair.

Which one do you want? Does c) fulfil a load of secret hopes and thrill you to your core with the unrequited love teenage drama of it all?
Do you still think it’s a good idea if scenario a) came about? You’ll have made the work relationship nigh on impossible, let alone embarrassed everyone, including and especially yourself, so somebody will end up having to leave.
Does b) sound better? He gives you the brush off and thinks it’s so ludicrous (not to mention weird) that you’re only joking? All your longings and desires dismissed by the treasured object of all your fantasies.
Telling him is a really, really stupid idea OP. Telling him in order to explain some of your reactions at work sounds like an excuse to just tell him. Do not do this.
Instead of telling him in order to explain your reactions, you need to gain awareness of when you are doing this, then work on staying professional in your workplace without affecting your work and embarrassing the heck out of everyone, or starting an affair, which will do all of the above but with the added bonus of devastating everyone. And I mean everyone. Imagine telling your daughter about this. Now see how nuts all this is?
Imagine telling your husband you’ve had a five year crush on a colleague, but it’s no big deal, nothing happened…. Now he’d know that when he kissed you goodbye off to your workplace, you were thinking about somebody else. He’ll wonder what the last five years of his life have actually been. He will painfully ask himself when, exactly did you think about this guy? Just at work? Or on that lovely holiday you took with your husband? On your anniversary? At Christmas? When you were in bed with your husband did you think about the other guy when you had sex? All of this will go through his head and he won’t trust you any more. Won’t see you as you any more.
It’s a cruel mindfuck of the highest order to make anyone doubt the reality of their past and present, and guarantees a very rocky future indeed. He would probably think you were minimising it anyway and doubt that nothing happened if you’ve fancied this guy for 5 years. Every time you left for work he’d be in agony that you were going to the guy you’ve had a five year crush on.
If the situation was reversed, you’d be devastated and tipped into an appalling hell that as yet fortunately neither of you know exists. It does. It’s very real.
Be careful what you wish for OP. Very careful.

Everybody considering an affair should read this.

Luluissleeping · 05/05/2023 19:33

I had this many years ago. It went on for a similar time. It is escapism. I gradually worked out I wanted what he had, not him. His qualities, the things he had in his life that were missing from mine (good social life, hobbies that I had given up on, other things). A move to a similar job to his, reinstating things that I had before but I had lost due to various reasons eg the general drudgery of life - once I got these back in my life as my kids got more independent and I had more time, the crush weakened and disappeared.

heliumlifejacket · 05/05/2023 21:52

Heed the previous posters OP and do not say a word. This does sound a lot like limerence, and probably a result of not addressing the underlying issues with your DH.

GracePalmer33 · 05/05/2023 21:59

Wow.. why on earth would you consider telling him? You honestly sound delusional and the excuse that you need to tell him
In order explain why you act weird around him is nonsense. It would be majorly unprofessional and inappropriate to tell him for a start.

If your marriage is your number one priority then do what you need to do to protect it. Otherwise it's really not your priority and you're lying to yourself.

Beachhutnut · 05/05/2023 22:30

Don't tell him. It will ruin the job, that you love so much. You need to get the feelings out of your system. If you are sure you won't act on your feeling then allow yourself a week to fantasise and let it play out In your head. Then you can go back to seeing him without the rose tinted spectacles.

Dery · 06/05/2023 00:16

I fell in love with a close colleague once. Many moons ago. He wasn’t available but even if he had been, I was very clear in my mind and heart that I didn’t want to leave my DH. I didn’t love or want my DH any less. So I know this can happen. But after about 2 years, I realised I needed to build in some distance and deliberately moved rooms to reduce proximity (we’d been sharing an office).

Marriage vows would hardly be necessary if all other people entirely ceased to be attractive. Commitment is about putting your love for your life partner above passing attraction to others.

In my case, with time, my romantic feelings abated. We’re friends now but nothing more and have long since worked at different firms.

It would be an abysmal mistake to tell this man but you might need to find a therapist to talk it through with. I had counselling for a while and just airing my feelings helped. You might find your crush on him is much more about the fact that you have this very fulfilling part-time job through him than because of him as a person. It’s what he represents.

Also, perhaps I’m reading too much into your OP, but you mention your DH is 10 years older than you. I’m guessing he had lived more life - sown more wild oats - than you when you settled down and perhaps you’re hankering after that missed opportunity, particularly if you were still rather young when you got together. But I could be way off-beam there - do feel free to ignore me!

Weatherwax13 · 06/05/2023 04:18

I think just being around this bloke is a big factor in why you love the job so much. Be honest with yourself. Would you be just as excited about it if you worked with some ordinary person who you didn't give a second thought to?
And what happens if you tell him your feelings?
You're obviously hoping on some level that he falls into your arms weeping with relief and says "Thank God, you're all I can think about" etc
More likely he'll be incredibly uncomfortable and engineer things so that you're not alone together or get rid of you completely.
If you're serious about not wrecking your marriage you should get yourself into therapy sharpish because five years of this is really obsessive .

boobot1 · 06/05/2023 08:03

daisychazz · 05/05/2023 15:21

I am around 99% sure he doesn’t feel the same way.
I like what you said about crushes come and go. But it’s been five years. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been in a low place due to this situation. Full
of self hatred because of how I feel. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to do this amazing job.

Show quote history

Then grow up!

twizzlesx · 06/05/2023 08:15

Dery · 06/05/2023 00:16

I fell in love with a close colleague once. Many moons ago. He wasn’t available but even if he had been, I was very clear in my mind and heart that I didn’t want to leave my DH. I didn’t love or want my DH any less. So I know this can happen. But after about 2 years, I realised I needed to build in some distance and deliberately moved rooms to reduce proximity (we’d been sharing an office).

Marriage vows would hardly be necessary if all other people entirely ceased to be attractive. Commitment is about putting your love for your life partner above passing attraction to others.

In my case, with time, my romantic feelings abated. We’re friends now but nothing more and have long since worked at different firms.

It would be an abysmal mistake to tell this man but you might need to find a therapist to talk it through with. I had counselling for a while and just airing my feelings helped. You might find your crush on him is much more about the fact that you have this very fulfilling part-time job through him than because of him as a person. It’s what he represents.

Also, perhaps I’m reading too much into your OP, but you mention your DH is 10 years older than you. I’m guessing he had lived more life - sown more wild oats - than you when you settled down and perhaps you’re hankering after that missed opportunity, particularly if you were still rather young when you got together. But I could be way off-beam there - do feel free to ignore me!

Totally agree - what do people think marriage vows are for?!

Fudgeandcaramel · 06/05/2023 08:18

I think the posters who have suggested 1.) that it is something he represents rather than really him and 2.) therapy may be useful for this, are spot on. Don’t tell him. Instead, think about what he represents and when you’re with him focus on things about him you find disgusting. Everyone is a bit disgusting. Does he have hairy fingers? A freakishly small head? A weird way of blowing his nose? I don’t know. What gives you the Ick is personal. Focus on the gross stuff for a while and the desire should go even if you can’t avoid him.

Butterfly44 · 06/05/2023 08:25

You could find yourself out of a job if you tell him....the embarrassment/uncomfortableness would be too much. He'd want you out the way.

philautia · 06/05/2023 08:32

So if your husband had a crush on someone at work he worked closely with, you'd be happy for him to tell her "to get it off his chest"?

Really?? This screams of telling the colleague so he will tell you he feels the same and possibly something will start between you.

Honestly, I can't see how you're so happily married when you're so invested in someone else. If your feelings for the other man are as strong as you say, you need to change jobs.

MissTrip82 · 06/05/2023 08:47

daisychazz · 05/05/2023 15:19

No.
My marriage is more important than anything.

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That’s a flat-out lie.

You’ve nourished this for years. So so so many points along the way you could have turned it around. You could quit your job today.

Your words say one thing but your actions another. Your marriage is the bottom of your priorities and the action you’re contemplating may well destroy it.

SallyWD · 06/05/2023 08:50

I can only think of two reasons why you'd want to tell him:

it'll give you a sense of relief to get it out.
you're subconsciously hoping he'll say he feels the same way and then something will come of it. Telling him is a REALLY bad idea. So disrespectful to your husband. I'm happily married (20 years) and have had crushes on other people during this time. It happens. I would never act on it!! I see it as my problem and I keep it to myself. No good can come of telling him. Don't do it!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/05/2023 08:53

Look at the various scenarios that will play out.

You tell him, and he responds saying that he feels the same. What do you do then? Have an affair? Live a secret life together at work? Leave your marriage? Destroy his wife? Destroy your own family?

You tell him, and he responds saying that he feels absolutely nothing like that for you. How would you feel? Humiliated? Ashamed? Appalled at yourself? Now think of him telling his wife about it. Think of them discussing you and wishing you would leave the job. Think of him applying for other jobs because he wants to get away from you. When he hands in his notice, and you know it's because of you, because he doesn't want to be anywhere near you, how would you feel?

Takeitonthechin · 06/05/2023 10:08

Ok... once you've told him ( he probably doesn't feel the same way), there's no cat in hells chance you can continue working together.
If you get finished, how are you going to explain this to your husband, his family, your family.
Believe me you need to take off the pink tinted glasses, in time you will realise how close you came to ruining everything. Either leave work and look for something else or just get on with your work and realise, he is just your work colleague.

HappyMe6 · 06/05/2023 11:24

So you tell him, to get it off your chest, why would you even consider telling him. I think you are wanting him to tell you he feels the same clearly a motive on your part! Or you wouldn’t even want to tell him , me thinks! A ego boost for you.

liverpoolgal82 · 06/05/2023 11:34

Some people get this through out life. It’s not real as much as it feels it op. It’s linked to obsessive compulsive disorder. It will go and usually does anywhere between months to three years so five is unusual but perhaps working so closely keeps it going. Have a read up on Limerance , some suffer from it and some people can get it extreme where they become stalkers. You have to have the sense to know it’s not real and ignore it and if you can’t then you need to leave your place of close work with him.
I’ve seen this happen in marriages , spouse leaves then limerence wears off and they’ve realised what they’ve lost in leaving their marriage.

Missjkay · 06/05/2023 13:02

Don’t do it. It sounds like you need to work on aspects of your marriage. Please don’t ruin your friendship with your colleague. If he tells other colleagues how are you going to feel about the job you love? At nearly 50 you have plenty of time to retrain/find another job you love.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 06/05/2023 13:05

Don't tell him. Google limerance. Understand this is your escapist fantasy that allows you to cope with life and work and not a real thing. It is possible to move on. Definitely don't tell him.

Leopardlives · 07/05/2023 10:09

liverpoolgal82 · 06/05/2023 11:34

Some people get this through out life. It’s not real as much as it feels it op. It’s linked to obsessive compulsive disorder. It will go and usually does anywhere between months to three years so five is unusual but perhaps working so closely keeps it going. Have a read up on Limerance , some suffer from it and some people can get it extreme where they become stalkers. You have to have the sense to know it’s not real and ignore it and if you can’t then you need to leave your place of close work with him.
I’ve seen this happen in marriages , spouse leaves then limerence wears off and they’ve realised what they’ve lost in leaving their marriage.

Yes — I found reading about ‘Special Person’ very useful on this