One sided emotional affair? Or infatuation?

[daisychazz]

NC for this.
I have been happily married to DH for 21 years, together for 28. One DD grown up.
He really is a DH - kind, caring, has always provided for us and loves me dearly. And I love him, so so much and I cannot imagine life without him. I was young when we got together. He’s ten years older than me.
I have a part time job in an industry I absolutely love and doing something that fulfills me and keeps me going as my “day job” is boring and u fulfilling.
I work very closely with a colleague in my part time job who I have had a crush/infatuation with for five years. Colleague has no idea.
I don’t want to feel like this. If I could flick a switch and turn it off I would. I absolutely hate myself for having these feelings. I would never act on them. I am pretty sure colleague does not feel the same way. We have become very good friends, we have a lot in common and I have to work very closely with him for my part time job. We are sort of a team of two. Neither of us can move to different roles. He’s kind of the boss.
I know the most sensible option is for me to leave the part time job, but honestly, I’m pushing 50 snd I’ve never ever done a job I’ve loved, always just jobs that pay the bills.
And I truly love this job. I mean not just because of him, this is an industry I have dreamed of working in for my whole life. The job is like a dream come true. It would destroy me to quit.
But keeping all of this inside me is driving me crazy. For five years.
I plan on telling colleague how I feel tomorrow. Is this a bad idea?
For context this is not a corporate job with a contract type part time job, it’s a casual arrangement. Myself and colleague work remotely on it most evenings and weekends.
sorry for the essay!

I agree with this. Deep down by telling him are you hoping something will happen? No good will come from telling him. I don't think your feelings will just go away, by telling him. If anything, he says he feels the same, then what? You begin an EA? You don't need to explain your behaviour to him, he may already know/ have a feeling. I repeat again, no good will come from you telling him how you feel.

Then no job is worth all of this angst.

For FIVE YEARS you’ve been nurturing a massive crush, being distracted by this man, investing huge amounts of time and energy into another relationship and not into your husband and your marriage. If your behaviour is affecting your communication with the other man I can only imagine how it’s affecting things between you and your husband.

How would you feel if you knew your DH was doing this instead of you? If you were celebrating your wedding anniversary/Christmas/your birthday and he was actually thinking about another woman. If you were pleased he was enjoying a new job but found our part of that was due to him lusting after his colleague?

If you wouldn’t care you don’t really love him. If you would then walk away from the job, the man and the obsession and invest yourself in something/anything else.

You need to leave.

you also need to see what’s missing from your marriage because something will be.

Google limerence (sp)

Holy jesus DO NOT TELL HIM!!

Also, Google 'Limerance', it sounds like it could sum up what you are experiencing. I think it's often a sign that something is amiss or stressful in another area of your life.

Do not tell him. Don't tell your husband. Can you not transfer to another job in the company? It is such a bad idea and so disloyal to do this to your husband. How would you feel if he was declaring his obsession to a woman he sees every work day? That's not fair. I don't think a job is irreplaceable.

What about some counselling if you feel you need a real life outlet?

I would not tell him it's got disaster written all over it. Think if your husband and family.

Your poor husband. If anyone,he's the one you should be telling.

What are you hoping to achieve apart from making it awkward as hell at work?
I would guess something is missing from your marriage.

There can be no good outcome from telling him this.

Literally none.

Either he will feel really awkward around you from now until the end of time, but worse, what if he tells you he feels the same way? You could be embarking into affair territory.

If something is missing from my marriage then I honestly don’t know what it is.
That’s why this is so stupid. I don’t WANT anything with colleague.
I dunno. I feel like I’m so tightly wound up I’m gonna burst and I thought telling colleague may release the pressure.
But it seems unanimous that telling him is a super bad idea.
I guess I just carry on until this thing fizzles out.
Which it will, one day, won’t it?

Personally, if I was in your situation then I would leave my job rather then jeopardising your marriage. That's if you don't want your marriage to end. And as you say you don't want an affair with your colleague.

It might fizzle out, but equally you have said you work in a close team of two and have felt this way for 5 years and it's causing you a huge amount of stress.

The only thing to do is leave the job / change to another team where you are not working with this man. If your marriage really is the most important thing then it means making sacrifices to protect it.

Then act like it.

As others have said, telling him is the worst possible idea you could possibly have.

Why would you tell someone something that you don't want them to act on but could negatively impact your friendship, marriage and job?

That just seems madness. Are you perhaps seeking or creating some excitement to distract yourself from a long standing relationship which often can feel humdrum after a while?

Are you me?

And contrary to what people think, it isn't always that something is missing from the marriage. Marriage is not one's whole life and nor should it be. We still have things outside the marriage that make us happy, sad, fulfilled, scared, excited.

The fact is that being married does not stop us finding other people attractive. We don't die inside we just make different choices to when we were single and generally don't find many people catch our eye. Sometimes we develop crushes. This isn't some personal or marital flaw and every relationship counsellor and psychologist would say the same. Shit even the bible says something like this being something to watch out for as it happens.

The dilemma is when the feelings are there and you just want them to go away 😞

Obsessing over this guy is very disloyal to your spouse. Where’s your dignity, integrity, and self respect?

The only reason you want to tell your boss is to start a cheating relationship with him.

Id love it if you told him about your passionate crush on him then he fired you 😂

Is he married?

please do not tell him.

my DH has been on the receiving end of something like this. It’s excruciating for everyone- and if you do tell him, then I agree with pp that you are hoping he feels the same.

back away.

Jesus wept! Say nothing - it'll spoil your working relationship - there'll be no going back.

Be honest with yourself OP. Telling him will make your work life immeasurably more awkward. You'll regret ever mentioning it, he'll be awkward, youl'll be awkward, and people will notice.

That is, unless he says it back - which I think secretly is what you're hoping for.

And then what? You're going risk losing your DH for what?

Disaster written all over it.

To me it seems that the only reason to tell him is that deep down you are hoping it will be reciprocated or want something to happen with him!

If you tell him, you can kiss your wonderful job goodbye, doesn't sound like you want that, you can say goodbye to the friendship part too. You've kept a lid on it for 5 years, no reason why you can't carry on longer.
The angst you've got now will be replaced by feelings that are far worse if you put it out there.
Try explaining to your DH why you've left a job he knows you love.

No good can come of this. The best thing you can do is put as much space between you and this person whether that's mental or physical. You need to move on from it or you'll almost certainly live to wish you had.

You state above that your marriage is the most important thing to you. If this is true, this whole thing is a no-brainer. Nothing can or should ever happen with this colleague.
A five year infatuation sounds more like it became an obsessive habit that has added another dimension to your ‘dream job’.

Put the focus on where it should be, your husband, if as you say he is so very important to you and you love him.
Nobody can help getting a crush or finding someone attractive, it’s normal, but your marriage means that nothing can happen. Nothing.
You need to plan something for you and your husband to do or divert your thoughts to the task in hand every time the obsessive thoughts cross your mind. Force yourself away from the crush thoughts to something else. You’re at work, get busy.
As far as telling him this man goes, (oh dear God) what do you stand to gain by doing this? He will either:
a) feel immensely embarrassed and awkward and consider moving jobs himself just to get as far away as possible from obsessive five year crushing lady or
b) try to laugh it off and pretend it didn’t happen or
c) declare he feels exactly the same way but never dared say anything and the two of you will start a two way emotional affair or end up having a full physical affair.

Which one do you want? Does c) fulfil a load of secret hopes and thrill you to your core with the unrequited love teenage drama of it all?
Do you still think it’s a good idea if scenario a) came about? You’ll have made the work relationship nigh on impossible, let alone embarrassed everyone, including and especially yourself, so somebody will end up having to leave.
Does b) sound better? He gives you the brush off and thinks it’s so ludicrous (not to mention weird) that you’re only joking? All your longings and desires dismissed by the treasured object of all your fantasies.
Telling him is a really, really stupid idea OP. Telling him in order to explain some of your reactions at work sounds like an excuse to just tell him. Do not do this.
Instead of telling him in order to explain your reactions, you need to gain awareness of when you are doing this, then work on staying professional in your workplace without affecting your work and embarrassing the heck out of everyone, or starting an affair, which will do all of the above but with the added bonus of devastating everyone. And I mean everyone. Imagine telling your daughter about this. Now see how nuts all this is?
Imagine telling your husband you’ve had a five year crush on a colleague, but it’s no big deal, nothing happened…. Now he’d know that when he kissed you goodbye off to your workplace, you were thinking about somebody else. He’ll wonder what the last five years of his life have actually been. He will painfully ask himself when, exactly did you think about this guy? Just at work? Or on that lovely holiday you took with your husband? On your anniversary? At Christmas? When you were in bed with your husband did you think about the other guy when you had sex? All of this will go through his head and he won’t trust you any more. Won’t see you as you any more.
It’s a cruel mindfuck of the highest order to make anyone doubt the reality of their past and present, and guarantees a very rocky future indeed. He would probably think you were minimising it anyway and doubt that nothing happened if you’ve fancied this guy for 5 years. Every time you left for work he’d be in agony that you were going to the guy you’ve had a five year crush on.
If the situation was reversed, you’d be devastated and tipped into an appalling hell that as yet fortunately neither of you know exists. It does. It’s very real.
Be careful what you wish for OP. Very careful.