"Can you give us a lift?"

[MrsSnape]

I know I have posted about this before but I'm getting all stressed out about it. I know its petty, unimportant and boring but please bare with me and don't shout at me

I posted a while ago about my "friend", I took her everywhere in car from shopping, to school, home from school, into town, away at weekends...she never offered petrol money and just "expected" the lifts as if it was her car too.

I then got rid of the car and she stopped calling me, stopped coming around, made friends with someone else who became her new "taxi" and began boasting to me about all the great places this new friend had taken her when she knew I was sat at home bored and depressed because I missed my car so much.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago she was going on about being bored (her new friend is away) and I replied "I know, I can't wait until I get a car" and she spun around quickly and said "I can't wait until YOU get a car either!" she said it as a joke but obviously meant it really...she expects the taxi service to resume even though she hasn't bothered with me for months.

Anyway to my point... I've recently got the money for a new car but havn't told her. I'm sick of being used by people and simply do not want to have to taxi her everywhere again. I'm getting the car this week but I find myself getting all stressed about it, the kids are excited so will inevitably mention it to her and I've had to stop myself from saying "don't tell her" which I know is childish.

Thing is, I'm already fretting about how I'm going to "hide it" which means I can't take the kids to school in it, can't go shopping on the days she shops, can't go straight to my mum from school as she'd see the car...

And its ridiculous, I'm going to be paying shit loads of money for something I can't even enjoy because I know someone else will hijack it.

I'm actually hoping to get the car tomorow and the kids have asked if I will take it to pick them up in from school tomorow which would be a nice suprise for them but I just KNOW she will be watching and will come running up and say something like "oh finally! you have a car!" before beckoning her son into the back seat...somewhat spoiling the suprise for my own kids.

I suffer from social anxiety and low confidence so the worry of this (however silly it seems) is really stressing me out but I just know I won't have the 'balls' to just tell her she can't get in.

Am I just being ridiculous?

i think you need to make some 'stock answer' excuses in advance so they can just trip off your tongue e.g

can you take my kids to school
no, have to pop in on XXX person on the way to school

can you take my kids home after school
nope, we're doing something else straight after school

can you take me shopping
no, i'm out doing something different that day/time. (this one can be used as many times as you like, the more you repeat it like a robot, the more likely she is to get the message.)

can you take me away for the weekend
nope, can't afford it/ don't fancy it (again, repeat as many times as necessary)

you honestly owe this woman nothing

So does she have her own car seat for her child ?

Tell her you are looking after a relative at the moment so you can't take her places.

Drop some driving school leaflets through her door.

Don't feel you can't do things because of one person.

Life is far to short to worry if you offend someone just because you don't do what they want. She is not really a friend if she uses you as her personnel taxi.

no, she is a bully, she knows you won't say anything and takes full advantage. You are going to having to get tough and be busy busy busy whenever she wants a lift and smile and wave as you drive past. Come on, don't let her spoil your excitement, ditch her!

I'd just tell her no, sorry.

You don't owe her an explanation.

Tell her its only insured for your family.

If this was a friend who appreciated your generosity it would be a different matter but if you can't say openly that you don't want to be her taxi service just make sure you have some excuses at the ready. It sounds like she really tries to take advantage of you.

agree with everyone else

no point worrying about offending her or not, if she is just using you and you don;t have a real friendship anyway

best of getting shut of people like that who just take, take , take,.

Pick your kids up from school - when you get there, lock the doors. Only unlock them when your children get there, so they get first go. Plan to take the kids someplace so it's not convenient to give her a lift.

And spend time every day reminding yourself that you are an important and valuable person, who does not deserve to be treated like a doormat by "friends" like her. I don't mean to sound personal, but have you tried any kind of therapy to deal with your anxieties? It sounds as though this is affecting you far more than it would most people.

Agree regardeing the petrol cost. Do you have a Dh or Dp.

You can always say she would have to share cost because with this being a new car you can't afford to run it as much as before what with the price of fuel and Dh/Dp has limited the amount you can spend.

Thanks for the support I was bracing myself for a few insults about how childish I was

I just get a bit upset about it, I've had 3 different women now decide to "befriend" me for the car and me being a mug would always take them places (individually) when it was out of my way to keep the peace but I always hated it. The first two women were a nightmare, their kids would mess up the back seats, fight with my kids, throw stuff around and kick me in the back, shout and scream etc and I just sat there quiet like a stupid muppet.

My other "friend" was ok at first, she would ask me where I was going and I would say for instance "tesco" and she'd say "oh, me too...oh well, better go and run for the bus" so I'd naturally say "if you're going to tesco you may as well come with me..." and I didn't mind at first but then she would expect me to take all her shopping home for her, then take her to pick the kids up from school, then expect me to wait for her in a morning to take her TO school...then it was "oh, I really need to get to so and so road...don't suppose you'd give us a lift?" and then all through the school holidays she'd phone and say "do you fancy going to the seaside (for example) and I'd think 'aww how nice' being the idiot that I am...then her son would get into the car all excited and say something like "thank god you said yes, otherwise we'd have had to get the train!" so it wasn't that they wanted me to go at all, they just wanted the transport.

I suppose it annoys me more because I've had to make sacrifices to get the car in the first place, the horrible driving lessons, spending £80 a week on a woman who would shout and scream at me that I was "Going to cause a crash" ... I went through 3 different instructors before I managed to find a good one and having social anxiety...just learning to drive at all was a nightmare without the added stress of wierd instructors.

Then the finantial side, the lessons cost a fortune, the actual car skinted us on a credit card, the insurance cost a bomb first time around, the petrol, the MOT's, the repairs....

yet she just "expects" that since I have the "luxury" of being able to drive I should share it with her, it makes me mad. She says she can't learn to drive as she is "scared" and her husband won't either as he's too "proud" having failed the test once. And they can't afford a car, despite having a wage coming in yet she never stops to think how a single parent on income support manages when she is used as a taxi for people that just can't be arsed to get their own transport.

I have thought about help for the anxiety, I really should look into it properly because I really am sick of people taking advantage

She sounds like a user and I would get rid. Tbh that sort of friendship doesn't sound like it's worth holding on to so i would just say no and if she drops you after that you've lost nothing really.

I don't drive and although a couple of friends have often said that if I need lifts anywhere to just call I would never even think to impose on any of them.

I agree wannaBe.

Since I gave up the last car, another woman saw me struggling and offered to take my kids to karate twice a week, her daughter went to the same club so she just picked mine up on the way and I was very grateful. I never actually asked her though and if she didn't offer one week I would make a point of taking the kids anyway and making small talk with her about other stuff so she knew I wasn't just using her.

I've also told her that now I am getting a car, if ever she needs a lift of her DD taking to karate, she just needs to let me know.

I dont mind helping each other out, I just hate being used.

you are a nice person, mrs. snape. you started on the right track with getting rid of loser boyfriend. you found the strength for that which was mighty hard. you can find the strength to say no to this woman.

think of a phrase that you're comfortable with eg. 'sorry, can't help you today', practice it to yourself and then whip it out when she asks you for anything. it WILL get easier. the first time is the hardest.

think of us egging you on.

I think you know the obvious answer is to say to her either simply "no, I'm sorry" or to ask her for a share of the petrol money/ favours in return. If you are anxious though, saying these things is probably hard and I guess you're scared of just taking the easy route and just saying "oh, okay". To be honest, a lot of people find it hard to speak up (and end up doing things through gritted teeth) so you're not alone in that.

You really shouldn't be having to alter you life around this woman. You've worked hard to get the car and ability to drive it; you absolutely shouldn't be hamstrung by concern of her. I think soopermum's comment is a good one. Have some ready made excuses for when you think you might see her like at school ("Sorry, but have to got to go back via a friend's/ drop the kids off at karate/ go to the garage/ get straight back for washing machine man etc.") Also, try doing things on your own terms. If you really don't mind taking her shopping one day, just phone and offer a lift so she gets the message that you'll offer a lift when YOU want to.

You don't have to turn her down all the time/ never give her lifts (if that would make you uncomfortable), but maybe only give her a lift once in every 3/4 times so she gets the message that whilst you're friendly and helpful you're not going to be taken advantage of...

I think everyone agrees here that you are being perfectly reasonable, and she is just trying to take advantage of your good nature. As you say, helping people out is one thing, and this is totally another.

The tricky part is how to advise you to deal with her, when you clearly find it very difficult to be direct in this kind of situation. I think most of us would have no hesitation in saying no, with varying amounts of politeness, and with or without excuses...

I hope I didn't sound flippant about therapy, but it seems like you are more anxious about this situation than most people would be, and it might be worth talking to someone about this to try to find ways to cope with your anxiety.

Can you fill up your car with "stuff" so that there is only room for you and your dcs?? That way when she assumes she can just get in, you can genuinely say sorry there just isn't room.

Do that often enough and I think she'll be scuttling back to her "new" best friend.

I wouldn't spend any time making up excuses, or feeling bad about it.
If she asks for a lift, and it isn't convenient, or you just don't want to, say no.
And perhaps jokingly comment that you seem to be back on her friends list now you have a car, and that when you sold your old car, you didn't see her for dust.
And tell her that if she does want a lift, she will have to chip in for petrol money.
All completely reasonable.

How about "I wondered when you'd come running. Took you all of 5 minutes to become my friend again now that I have a car". Unless she has more front than Brighton she ought to take the hint and leave you alone.

You are not being unreasonable to feel like this. This woman has behaved terribly.

One of the mums down the school, her DH (still with me? I know them but we are not friends IYSWIM)
Well he always says that with extra people in the car it uses more petrol because of the extra weight. You could use this as your excuse, its not a brush off, but it is a plain and simple reason that may or may not be real.

i think you have to realise that it is better to have no friends than friends who use you. (not saying that is the case but ykwim). i would cut all ties with her, she is a drain on you.

if you really cant face a confrontation do as someone else said and have things lying in your car, or for the first few days you have the car leave the house 15 mins early to get to school then when you come out tell her you ar taking the kids somewhere and not going home. make sure you have things planned for the weekend like visiting family so that she cant tag along, she will soon gt the message.

i have had people trying it on with me as well because i drive but im afraid i did not pay £££££ to become a driver of a nice car to make everyone elses life easy.

your boot is full, you are using car time to learn a language on cd, your passenger seat belt doesn't work properly, your front airbag is faulty on the passenger side so no passengers, you have no extra time for lifts or waiting around now - sooo sorry, your doctor says you have to drive with just your kids for a while...........

It sounds like your 'friend' is just trying to use you. I've been through this because I find it difficult to say 'no' but just became resentful about being used. In the end I decided that the resentful feeling was just as bad as the feeling of guilt when I said 'no' in which case I might as well just say 'no' and be done with it. If she starts asking for lifts why not say 'it's not convenient' and if she pursues it then just keep repeating this, it worked for me. The people who were just using me (in this situation it was someone regularly asking me to look after their children as well as my own). This person doesn't ask anymore except when she had a genuine crisis in which case I didn't mind at all.

Hi Mrs Snape.

Well done on passing your driving test! I can relate cos it took me 7 attempts and finally past last year at 34 years old.

I have a friend a bit like yours, who isn't quite as "using" but is still irritating (am 38 weeks pg). I know that you want to help her but this "friend" is using you and draining you. You've been very supportive but what are you getting in return?

Think about what you want to say to her and say it. You perhaps don't have to yell at her, but just say "I feel that you are taking advantage of me and i'm very unhappy about it. I am not a taxi service". Also think, what would you say to one of your children if they were in this situation in a few years time? Would you want them to be walked over. Lots of luck.

since i'm rubbish at confrontation myself, i would do as freckle suggests and pile any empty spaces full of 'recycling' or cardboard boxes. then i would drive to the doctors' and ask them to refer me for assertiveness training, counselling or something like that, because it does sound as if a sequence of users have latched on to you and you have the right to feel happy and proud of making choices and achieving things, rather than having to feel worried and stressed by the phenomenal selfishness of this woman.

I'm sure I'm not the only one reviewing my own behavour in the light of this thread!