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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man on message thread

51 replies

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 09:32

I would like some views on a series of messages I had with a man please, partially to help me process how I feel.
I started chatting over messages with a fellow musician and artist on a forum. It was mainly just music and art appreciation chat, with some funny life anecdotes thrown in. We were messaging most days for about 3 months. Then we’d catch each other messaging at the same time and ‘live’ chat for an hour or so. He seemed very keen to do this. There was lots of humour, but it wasn’t flirty.
I was then surprised to notice that he was wearing a wedding ring in a video he posted. This is because he’d talked about not knowing where his music would take him geographically, and he’d said he’d like to emigrate to. When I googled him, I found he had a wife, child in school, and a very middle-class looking house. It did not fit with what he’d said about not having money or being more mobile.

I managed to drop into the conversation to ask whether he was married or had children, and I felt he was reluctant to mention them - a quick ‘yes’ and ‘Just 1’, then he brushed it aside and never spoke of them. As it was platonic, we continued….
But after a few weeks I found my feelings were changing - first the live chatting created a void afterwards, and I realised I was longing for his conversation. Then I started having feelings for him, which I tried to suppress.

I then told him that I was attracted to him, and that it wasn’t appropriate to continue talking. He seemed to misinterpret a series of these messages where I felt I was making it obvious that I was having feelings for him. He wanted the conversation to continue, and said we were friends. I ended up having to be blunt and say that I was having sexual feelings and that I needed to leave the conversation to see if I could stop feeling that way. (I don’t know if I can, or will be able to return.) He then said he hadn’t realised/expected me to fall for him, but asked if we could still continue to talk as friends.

When I’ve scanned back through out messages, I’ve realised he never flirted, or even asked me questions about myself. He mainly spoke about himself and only about my music/art. I am therefore quite confused! Why give the impression that you are single with the travelling musician story, and not want to mention a wife and child? Why message me every day and be keen to live chat? Any interpretations of this please so I can sort my head out?
Thank you

OP posts:
thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 05/05/2023 09:41

Tell your head you don't know that man at all. He was never interested in you romantically. It was about your shared interests only.
It's probably best if you do stop messaging him altogether. You can then forget about him.

QueenSmartypants · 05/05/2023 09:48
  1. He knows what he's doing and has been laying the ground for an affair
  2. He's self absorbed and selfish, hence not asking about you and the readiness for infidelity
gannett · 05/05/2023 09:54

Did he actually present himself as a single, travelling musician though?

Just because he has a family and a house doesn't mean he has much disposable income, and neither does it mean that he isn't planning to travel in a few years or when he's raised his child.

Neither did he hide his wife and kid from you. You asked, he didn't lie. He probably didn't go into detail because you were talking about your shared interest, not your personal lives. And then you STILL made a move on him? And then he backed off?

He messaged every day because he was keen to chat about your shared interest, not in having an affair. I've exchanged tons of messages with online friends who share my interest, with no non-platonic intentions whatsoever.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/05/2023 09:57

I gently suggest that you rather read his conversations as deliberately concealing his wife and child. If you were talking about your shared interests there was no reason for him to mention them, he may have his own reasons for not talking about them, and he seems to have behaved perfectly well (apart from suggesting you carry on talking as friends - that was never going to work, but he may really have valued your input and not understood how it was impacting on you).

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 09:57

To clarify, I DID NOT MAKE A MOVE ON HIM.
I told him how I felt and said that I had to leave the conversation. I have left the conversation. I thought it was fair to tell him, not just leave abruptly and ghost him with no explanation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:00

These comments are all very helpful, thank you. I think I may well have made assumptions that were not correct. However, if you do message a girl every day, sometimes multiple times, and live chatting is that not odd if you have no intention? Maybe he did have no intention. I feel quite a bit of confusion, that I would like to pass.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/05/2023 10:04

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:00

These comments are all very helpful, thank you. I think I may well have made assumptions that were not correct. However, if you do message a girl every day, sometimes multiple times, and live chatting is that not odd if you have no intention? Maybe he did have no intention. I feel quite a bit of confusion, that I would like to pass.

It's not odd at all. It was clearly that type of forum and he very much enjoyed your conversations. You wouldn't have questioned 'having intentions' if he'd been female and messaging a lot, would you?

I have a particular job with lots of women and men involved and can spend a very long time talking about it, to anyone. There are particular challenges that only another participant can relate to, so conversations can be very indepth as we help one another through. Their sex doesn't come into it.

LateNightsByTheLake · 05/05/2023 10:08

If he didn’t see it as anything more than chatting about music and being friends, then his wife and child weren’t actually relevant. They were none of your business. The travelling thing, you can travel and emigrate with a partner and children.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2023 10:08

Why give the impression that you are single with the travelling musician story, and not want to mention a wife and child?

Are you really that naive ?

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:11

I know what you are saying, and yes, I can see that in a work situation.
He did speak about his parents divorce, send me photos of his childhood home, other personal things, as well as art/music, although I did not get the impression it was flirty, as I said.
Maybe he is lonely and needed someone to talk to? I got the impression he needed my conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:12

AnyFucker….but if you read other peoples’ replies on here, most people think he had no interest in me and was completely platonic.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:15

This is why I’m confused. There are two completely opposing views in the thread - some people saying you are stupid, of course he wanted an affair, others saying, you read into it, he had no intention at all.

So I do think, he was sending mixed signals.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 05/05/2023 10:26

The man was deceiptful, clearly.
You didn't know the truth about much of him. He was deceiving you and his wife and child.
He was having an emotional affair for his own benefit.

Do you think his wife knew?
Would you be comfortable for his wife to have been sitting right next to him all that while?

If you continue with him you are also doing his family a great disservice. He should talk to his wife but that is not your problem.

Your problem is to get him out of your mind and move to on.
Remember to ask reasonable questions early on when meeting people any where.

When your neighbours and Granny could see who you spoke to in the street (in the olden days) it was easier to not be duped so don't feel stupid but do feel deeply upset and that he was a rotter.

FiddleLeaf · 05/05/2023 10:29

He has a void you’re filling. You could be AI and it would have the same impact on him.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:30

This is what I need to hear. I just want to get him out of my head. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:31

I feel I need some clarity, to put it to bed. Because at the moment I’m mulling over what I feel are some contradictions / confusions.

OP posts:
OrbandSpectacle · 05/05/2023 10:33

He has a wife and child. That is all the clarity you need.

Suprima · 05/05/2023 10:33

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:30

This is what I need to hear. I just want to get him out of my head. Thank you

It may have been platonic, but men have platonic friendships as an ego boost or to triangulate their significant others. Either way, he was doing something his wife wouldn’t be impressed with and very happy to act as a single man.

What you describe is not healthy behaviour. You shouldn’t invest yourself much in a discord channel where this person has become such a chunk of your life that you are posting mopey mumsnet threads about them.

Your later comments about him ‘needing your conversation’ are strangely sympathetic. You are not Florence Nightingale.

block, delete, wise up

You come across as very naive for an adult woman

Suprima · 05/05/2023 10:35

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:31

I feel I need some clarity, to put it to bed. Because at the moment I’m mulling over what I feel are some contradictions / confusions.

Like why?

why do you care?

move on and go and do something positive

you are not special to him, you are not his only ear in this cold dark world. You were a little ego boost as he played out his single man fantasy online.

you are making this so much more than it is

MMmomDD · 05/05/2023 10:35

I am sorry - but you probably need to look more at your own reaction to this, rather than blame him.

You were on a music and art chat. And this is what he was doing there - even by your own account.
’I’ve realised he never flirted, or even asked me questions about myself. He mainly spoke about himself and only about my music/art’

You created some image in your head of some romantic musical kindred soul and proceeded to develop feelings for that imaginary person.

Just because the man in question is married - doesn’t mean he can’t have a hobby and connect to other people about art and music.

Suprima · 05/05/2023 10:39

MMmomDD · 05/05/2023 10:35

I am sorry - but you probably need to look more at your own reaction to this, rather than blame him.

You were on a music and art chat. And this is what he was doing there - even by your own account.
’I’ve realised he never flirted, or even asked me questions about myself. He mainly spoke about himself and only about my music/art’

You created some image in your head of some romantic musical kindred soul and proceeded to develop feelings for that imaginary person.

Just because the man in question is married - doesn’t mean he can’t have a hobby and connect to other people about art and music.

I get the essence of what you’re saying- but I do blame him and so should OP. He’s pretended to be a nomadic penniless creative soul and has purposely been evasive about his status as to not lose his pen pal.

he knew exactly what he was doing.

HousingAdviceNeeded · 05/05/2023 10:40

I have come across a number of men like that. They talk about what they did as though they did it on their own - "I went to France last year..." when really they were with their partner and family. That is deceitful - it's strictly true but it only tells a part of the story. The thing is that if you're single you are used to saying "I did..." so you assume they are single too because that's what they are implying.

I wish you hadn't told him you were sexually attracted to him. I think a slow fade would have been better, tbh.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:43

This is very fresh - second day after blocking. So yes, I am up in my head about it still. Thank you for the very helpful insults :-) I think if it was more clear-cut and there had not been some mixed signals (I feel there were), then I would not feel confusion.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:44

HousingAdviceNeeded · 05/05/2023 10:40

I have come across a number of men like that. They talk about what they did as though they did it on their own - "I went to France last year..." when really they were with their partner and family. That is deceitful - it's strictly true but it only tells a part of the story. The thing is that if you're single you are used to saying "I did..." so you assume they are single too because that's what they are implying.

I wish you hadn't told him you were sexually attracted to him. I think a slow fade would have been better, tbh.

Yes he did talk about things as if he did things it alone - trips, holidays. And I assume his family went.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:48

Also, I am not blaming him. I don’t feel anger, or want to turn him into the villain. I just want to understand a bit more about how it panned out. As I said, it’s fresh. It helps to talk it over, as I don’t really have anyone to discuss this with, living in a new area. So thanks.

OP posts:
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