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Original poster

Married man on message thread

51 replies

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 09:32

I would like some views on a series of messages I had with a man please, partially to help me process how I feel.
I started chatting over messages with a fellow musician and artist on a forum. It was mainly just music and art appreciation chat, with some funny life anecdotes thrown in. We were messaging most days for about 3 months. Then we’d catch each other messaging at the same time and ‘live’ chat for an hour or so. He seemed very keen to do this. There was lots of humour, but it wasn’t flirty.
I was then surprised to notice that he was wearing a wedding ring in a video he posted. This is because he’d talked about not knowing where his music would take him geographically, and he’d said he’d like to emigrate to. When I googled him, I found he had a wife, child in school, and a very middle-class looking house. It did not fit with what he’d said about not having money or being more mobile.

I managed to drop into the conversation to ask whether he was married or had children, and I felt he was reluctant to mention them - a quick ‘yes’ and ‘Just 1’, then he brushed it aside and never spoke of them. As it was platonic, we continued….
But after a few weeks I found my feelings were changing - first the live chatting created a void afterwards, and I realised I was longing for his conversation. Then I started having feelings for him, which I tried to suppress.

I then told him that I was attracted to him, and that it wasn’t appropriate to continue talking. He seemed to misinterpret a series of these messages where I felt I was making it obvious that I was having feelings for him. He wanted the conversation to continue, and said we were friends. I ended up having to be blunt and say that I was having sexual feelings and that I needed to leave the conversation to see if I could stop feeling that way. (I don’t know if I can, or will be able to return.) He then said he hadn’t realised/expected me to fall for him, but asked if we could still continue to talk as friends.

When I’ve scanned back through out messages, I’ve realised he never flirted, or even asked me questions about myself. He mainly spoke about himself and only about my music/art. I am therefore quite confused! Why give the impression that you are single with the travelling musician story, and not want to mention a wife and child? Why message me every day and be keen to live chat? Any interpretations of this please so I can sort my head out?
Thank you

OP posts:
wistfullyfocused · 05/05/2023 10:50

He’ll be back soon ‘missing you’, ‘you mean so much more than he realised’ <yawn>

Ensure he’s blocked, well, unless you want an affair.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 10:53

wistfullyfocused · 05/05/2023 10:50

He’ll be back soon ‘missing you’, ‘you mean so much more than he realised’ <yawn>

Ensure he’s blocked, well, unless you want an affair.

Funnily enough, I’m not sure he will. I think the people here who say he wasn’t attracted to me here are probably right. I think I probably served some need for him.

But if he did pop up again, then I guess that would give answers! Yes I’ve blocked on the forum, but I guess there may be other ways he could find me.

OP posts:
Elnetthairnet · 05/05/2023 10:54

I think he has been very deliberately obtuse - if you’re chatting about holidays for example why on earth would he say ‘I went’ rather than ‘we went’, or ‘I want to go travelling’ rather than ‘We’d like to go travelling’. The wife would just naturally come up in conversation at some point otherwise, it’s a huge part of his life that he must have been being careful not to mention. If you were chatting to someone for ages about a shared hobby even if you were divorced you’d mention the ex and child like ‘I might go away to that course because my ex has our kid that weekend’. He sounds like a walking red flag living a fantasy life online and you’ve done well to block him.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 05/05/2023 10:54

I don't necessarily think he was laying the ground for an affair. I think this middle class married with a nice house and kid father was creating a wandering troubadour alter ego for himself, which you were propping up. You were basically fake kindred spirits.

He probably did this to feed some part of his ego, and would never have wanted to take it further because then you would have seen that he drove a Volvo and had to fit his messages inbetween putting the DC to bed and attending dad-bod boot camp after a hard day managing his team of business development executives on a ring road light industrial estate on the outskirts of Stoke.

wistfullyfocused · 05/05/2023 11:00

Hmm perhaps not, but ego brushing was definitely going on. I’ve had a similar experience in falling for an ‘imagined’ person.

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 11:00

The only reason there’s any ‘mixed signals’ is because people assume a man chatting to a woman regularly is obviously after more. I agree that is often the case but it doesn’t seem like that is the case here at all. So he hasn’t actually given any mixed signals at all.

ElmtreeMama · 05/05/2023 11:00

LaviniasBigBloomers · 05/05/2023 10:54

I don't necessarily think he was laying the ground for an affair. I think this middle class married with a nice house and kid father was creating a wandering troubadour alter ego for himself, which you were propping up. You were basically fake kindred spirits.

He probably did this to feed some part of his ego, and would never have wanted to take it further because then you would have seen that he drove a Volvo and had to fit his messages inbetween putting the DC to bed and attending dad-bod boot camp after a hard day managing his team of business development executives on a ring road light industrial estate on the outskirts of Stoke.

This times 1000

OrbandSpectacle · 05/05/2023 11:01

@LaviniasBigBloomers is probably correct! try to think of him in this much more likely scenario rather than the romance of a 'wandering troubadour' and the attraction should fade quite quickly.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 11:08

Elnetthairnet · 05/05/2023 10:54

I think he has been very deliberately obtuse - if you’re chatting about holidays for example why on earth would he say ‘I went’ rather than ‘we went’, or ‘I want to go travelling’ rather than ‘We’d like to go travelling’. The wife would just naturally come up in conversation at some point otherwise, it’s a huge part of his life that he must have been being careful not to mention. If you were chatting to someone for ages about a shared hobby even if you were divorced you’d mention the ex and child like ‘I might go away to that course because my ex has our kid that weekend’. He sounds like a walking red flag living a fantasy life online and you’ve done well to block him.

Exactly. Mixed messages…

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 11:10

LaviniasBigBloomers · 05/05/2023 10:54

I don't necessarily think he was laying the ground for an affair. I think this middle class married with a nice house and kid father was creating a wandering troubadour alter ego for himself, which you were propping up. You were basically fake kindred spirits.

He probably did this to feed some part of his ego, and would never have wanted to take it further because then you would have seen that he drove a Volvo and had to fit his messages inbetween putting the DC to bed and attending dad-bod boot camp after a hard day managing his team of business development executives on a ring road light industrial estate on the outskirts of Stoke.

Yes, yes, yes…I think you are right.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 05/05/2023 11:14

"I told him how I felt and said that I had to leave the conversation. I have left the conversation. I thought it was fair to tell him, not just leave abruptly and ghost him with no explanation."

Fair enough. The right thing to do now is block and move on. You'll never really know for sure what his intentions were or what kind of role he saw you having in his life. But you know he is married and that your feelings are inappropriate, so it needs to have a line drawn under it.

Lwrenagain · 05/05/2023 11:26

@BeepyBoo which area are you in now? Also start a thread when you're up for it on here for musos and artsy types to share stories etc!

You did the right thing blocking him. I imagine he wasn't as nice as he seemed.

My DP and I have friends of the opposite sex and online pals, shock horror we're even close to exes, but we'd never not mention the other or our family. It would feel more like we're dipping our toes in the single pond if we didn't mention our homelife.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 05/05/2023 12:01

You’ve imagined him rather than ever known him OP, I’ve been there myself.

Whilst is most definitely can work out with people we meet online, it’s best not to get invested until we’ve met them and seen who they actually are in person. I was burned many times with imagined people online. I did eventually meet someone online who was exactly who he said he was, but I didn’t invest anything at all until we met in person. He’s upstairs working in his pyjamas at the moment and our daughter is napping in the room next door. I’m including this because I want to show that online can be a great place to meet people, but you have to actually meet them - seeing is believing. Until seeing, they could be anyone saying anything.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 13:33

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 05/05/2023 12:01

You’ve imagined him rather than ever known him OP, I’ve been there myself.

Whilst is most definitely can work out with people we meet online, it’s best not to get invested until we’ve met them and seen who they actually are in person. I was burned many times with imagined people online. I did eventually meet someone online who was exactly who he said he was, but I didn’t invest anything at all until we met in person. He’s upstairs working in his pyjamas at the moment and our daughter is napping in the room next door. I’m including this because I want to show that online can be a great place to meet people, but you have to actually meet them - seeing is believing. Until seeing, they could be anyone saying anything.

In my leaving speech (which he pretended he didn’t understand, so I had to re-explain), I told him as much - that I recognised I did not know him really, only what I’d gleaned through our messaging and on his profile, and that I knew I was filling in the gaps in my head, creating a fantasy version that probably didn’t match reality that much.

He then got quite defensive about his profile, saying it was not a fantasy, but based on reality. I was not saying his profile was a fantasy….I was talking about my own dreaming. But his defensiveness there suggests to me that he knows he is portraying a false image of himself. His whole profile is based on the story of a musician, working out his path. It states, who knows where his work will take him and where he will end up. (town name) is nice. It it written in the first person. In reality he has a full-time day job in insurance, and writing poems and songs is a hobby. He does not even perform live anymore.

Yes, I think I was upholding and entering into his fantasy version of himself or who he would like to be.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 05/05/2023 13:52

@BeepyBoo

His profile - him seeing himself as a dream version of himself as a struggling musician, etc - was NOT on a dating site though.
He wasn’t trying to fool a potential partner. He was imagining it for himself.

YOU chose to take it and to romanticise it. It really isn’t on him. He wasn’t trying to catch an unsuspecting female with a struggling musician persona.

I am sorry - you do sound hurt and lonely. But I think you probably should rather try to meet people to date in real life rather than make them up in your head.

SleepyRooster · 05/05/2023 13:56

You were ego kibble

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 14:29

MMmomDD · 05/05/2023 13:52

@BeepyBoo

His profile - him seeing himself as a dream version of himself as a struggling musician, etc - was NOT on a dating site though.
He wasn’t trying to fool a potential partner. He was imagining it for himself.

YOU chose to take it and to romanticise it. It really isn’t on him. He wasn’t trying to catch an unsuspecting female with a struggling musician persona.

I am sorry - you do sound hurt and lonely. But I think you probably should rather try to meet people to date in real life rather than make them up in your head.

And I wasn’t intending to get any feelings. I can’t help that happened. I wasn’t looking for a partner.
He was still playing that single, struggling musician role with me, in his conversations though, wasn’t he. Not just on a profile. There’s no need to be patronising. I am well aware of my role in this, as I have stated.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 14:48

@MMmomDD Further to my comment above, your assertion that it was ‘not on him’ would suggest therefore that you would be comfortable with your husband talking to a woman everyday for months, including long live message chats, and not telling you. Talking about things you both did together, but him leaving your name out and pretending he went himself? Telling the woman about his childhood and how he suffered, sending her photos of his childhood home? That all OK with you? I think not.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/05/2023 14:59

Did you ask him if he went alone when he was talking about travelling? Because I tend to use 'I' when I'm talking about going on holiday and things, simply because then it saves me having to explain that I'm going with my daughter (for example), because that tends to lead to a sub-discussion that I don't want to have, (why my adult daughter is travelling with me rather than going with her partner, why I'm not going with a partner etc etc). I don't consider it anyone's business.

And if you didn't ask, was it because you were afraid he'd say he was with his wife?

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 05/05/2023 14:59

BeepyBoo · 05/05/2023 13:33

In my leaving speech (which he pretended he didn’t understand, so I had to re-explain), I told him as much - that I recognised I did not know him really, only what I’d gleaned through our messaging and on his profile, and that I knew I was filling in the gaps in my head, creating a fantasy version that probably didn’t match reality that much.

He then got quite defensive about his profile, saying it was not a fantasy, but based on reality. I was not saying his profile was a fantasy….I was talking about my own dreaming. But his defensiveness there suggests to me that he knows he is portraying a false image of himself. His whole profile is based on the story of a musician, working out his path. It states, who knows where his work will take him and where he will end up. (town name) is nice. It it written in the first person. In reality he has a full-time day job in insurance, and writing poems and songs is a hobby. He does not even perform live anymore.

Yes, I think I was upholding and entering into his fantasy version of himself or who he would like to be.

Show quote history

As I said, you don’t get invested in online people because they can be anyone, say anything and present themselves however they like.

You are being a bit intense about it all, he’s just a bloke you’ve never met online. Let it go and move on.

Fifi0 · 05/05/2023 15:08

Do people really go into their whole life story? I might mention I went on holiday most people don't want me to bang on about my DD and DH. I wouldn't mention it unless asked. If he wasn't flirting it was fantasy for him and not an emotional affair.

MMmomDD · 05/05/2023 15:13

@BeepyBoo

You keep going on about him and him assuming some persona online.
As if this is any of our business what he pretends to be - certainly on a music appreciation online forum.
His life, his fantasy.

I don’t know what his W thinks. If she cares. If have a relationship where that even matters.
Point is - he hasn’t cheated - hasn’t tried anything on with with you.
All he was doing is chatting to an online friend about music and life in general.

The sooner you move away from - him this, him that - the sooner you can move on and come back to real life

Radi0Wales · 05/05/2023 18:45

What is a live chat if I may ask? With video?

MysteryBelle · 05/05/2023 20:59

🙄

Livelovebehappy · 05/05/2023 21:49

Sounds like you were looking for something more than friendship on the forum, so maybe read too much into what he said. He was just looking for someone with a shared interest to chat to. I can’t see that he was being deceitful, or hiding stuff. And I think you telling him about your feelings was said in the hope they were going to be reciprocated, and you’re now feeling disappointed that wasn’t the case, as you’d mis-read the signs.