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Original poster

Wedding issues pls advice!!

33 replies

Nic134 · 04/05/2023 21:27

Hi

Sorry if already posted my page froze!!

We both 50. Been together 8 years.. And this is my second wedding and my partner's first..
We started planning a twilight wedding with all the trimmings and seven bridesmaids, etc etc got to the point of looking at £7000+ we didn't have !
I even got to the point of not understanding how dear it is to feed 80 guests!! That sounds really bad i do apologise but no we stopped ... We're not full of money definitely not in these times!! Was working towards getting a loan out for this....but thought No!

We both woke up one morning and said let's do this , it's about us... We decided to go to a registry office while we are away on holiday in UK without telling anyone.costing £100....it be relaxed just us two...

Now I have three children ( mine from previous marriage) partner don't have any of his own, they are 16, 20, 22. Only youngest lives at home .
We been through alot this year with my eldest and with there attitude and actions etc so not in great place with them at moment ...they moved to a house share now as need to sort themselves out...I still love them obviously there my child but my god what they have put me through in the last year has broke me with stress!!

We have a week's break end of the year in uk with my two youngest ones...so I thought we could get married then but then my eldest won't come.. their in that mind set definitely not interested , still in a mood over life events..( long story)

So was thinking doing it another time without the kids.. just two of us a hire witnesses...then when home go out for a nice meal to celebrate with the kids...

My mind going around in circles what to do...started off being about two of us .now overthinking....now thinking shall I not bother cos of my eldest going through a selfish state and shall I wait for them to snap out of it so they can come even if it takes till next year or two years.... Whole thing is stressing me out...trying to do what's best but at same time getting stressed

Advice pls....

Nic

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 04/05/2023 21:33

Only two people are getting married.. so only people need to be at the registry office.
Dont let anybody make you dance.
Get married. Be happy.
Your eldests tantrums could last for years.

Boltonb · 04/05/2023 21:36

I wouldn’t want to leave my children out, personally. So I’d say “we’re getting married on X date, and we’d love you on come and share the day with us”. If your eldest is sulking, so be it. But at least they were invited

tribpot · 04/05/2023 21:37

Yep I agree with @Boltonb . Invite all three. If one doesn't want to come, that's up to them but don't exclude them all just to appease the eldest.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 21:38

I don't understand why the other two can't come?

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 21:39

Don't exclude their kids it will stay with them if you do.

Soonenough · 04/05/2023 21:46

You are not going to be able to do anything that will please everyone. So please yourselves. Registry office , nice meal and hotel stay afterwards. You can give kids a week's notice that they are all welcome to the ceremony and then you will be away.

LittleOwl153 · 04/05/2023 21:46

Don't exclude your kids... certainly do not exclude one and include the other 2. Unless you want tonscrew up your relationship with all 3 that is.

RandomMess · 04/05/2023 21:47

Invite all your DC but go ahead whether they choose to come or not.

NewIdeasToday · 04/05/2023 21:50

Go to Vegas. Just the two of you. Have a wonderful time. Tell people when you get home (and not before!).

Good luck!!

Changingplace · 04/05/2023 21:51

Invite your kids, don’t purposefully exclude one no matter what they’re being like right now, it’ll backfire on you.

Give them all notice, say you’d love them to be there but don’t hold it against them if they don’t come, keep it small at the registry office with a meal/hotel stay.

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/05/2023 22:00

Invite the kids, nice meal after a registry. That's all you need.

TeaKitten · 04/05/2023 22:01

Don’t exclude 2 because the other one doesn’t want to come. Invite all 3, and if they come they come. This wedding is about you and your partner not your kids, nobody else matters in it.

Original poster
Nic134 · 04/05/2023 22:23

Thank you ! I take your advice....invite all three x

OP posts:
supersonicspeed · 04/05/2023 22:37

Boltonb · 04/05/2023 21:36

I wouldn’t want to leave my children out, personally. So I’d say “we’re getting married on X date, and we’d love you on come and share the day with us”. If your eldest is sulking, so be it. But at least they were invited

This.
But whatever happens just enjoy your day and congratulations OP!

TheSandgroper · 05/05/2023 07:45

No matter what their age is, invite your children and make your wedding vaguely possible for them to attend. Then they can make their own decisions about whether to attend.

Leaving them out completely is setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/05/2023 07:49

We had all sorts of family issues etc so we had a two days in a city we both love, grabbed two whitenesses from the office and did it with just us there. We came home and still haven't told anyone Grin

In your shoes op I'd do this, even if you just go away for two days mid week, have an overnight stay somewhere and then come home and tell everyone. Married on Thursday, home on Friday and book a meal for everyone Friday pm and tell everyone then

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 07:57

From the perspective of someone who’s parent married when they were a young adult, invite your DC but don’t force them to come. When my DM remarried the wedding just wasn’t a thing for me. Her new DH was nice but I found the whole wedding a bit cringe.

activesometimes · 05/05/2023 08:03

Such a tough situation OP! I'd see if it could be an opportunity for the family to come together. You could invite them and say 'we'd love to move forward and have you there but if you choose not, there's no pressure'. You can make it clear though that you're expecting them to act with decency, so no grumps or moods on the day.

If they decide to not attend, at least you tried!

ineedtostop · 05/05/2023 08:30

My father didn't invite me to his second marriage. I've never forgiven him.

Original poster
Nic134 · 05/05/2023 11:50

Thank you everyone ..thinking about it today ...as it's going to be when we're on holiday in uk later in the year ..my youngest two are definitely coming away so they will be there for ceremony but I will invite my eldest and also book a another room in the hotel for them Incase they decide to come...if they decide not to so be it, at least I have invited them and reached out! Don't know what else I can do ....x

OP posts:
mindutopia · 05/05/2023 12:04

You don't need to get married on a big holiday away. Do it locally, invite all your children and leave it up to them if they wish to attend, have a lovely meal out or just drinks for them and any close friends and family you would like to invite after. Then go off on a holiday just the two of you to celebrate.

My mum didn't invite me to her wedding. She planned it specifically so she knew I wouldn't be able to attend (we live in different countries, I was pregnant at the time, and she only told me a week before so I would have had no way to afford a flight even if I'd been able to come). Then she sent me the photos her friend took of the day to ask if I could edit them for her! Photos to a day I was never invited to. I've never forgotten that. We had always been very close, but the relationship sadly was/is an unhealthy one and though we still continued to have a relationship for another 10 years or so (are NC now), it was the beginning of the end. It was incredibly painful. Her reasoning was, it was a second marriage, no big deal, not worth travelling for, but she invited her close friends to attend and they travelled for it. The fact she didn't even give me the chance to decide whether to attend was telling. Our relationship slowly eroded after that, not because of that, because of other issues with her partner and coercive behaviour, etc. but it certainly was the start.

Please invite your children. They may be grumpy teens now, but one day they will be (hopefully non-grumpy) adults. If they choose not to come, then they may regret that choice, but at least it's their own. If you choose not to invite them, your choice will probably feel very different to them when they look back in 5/10/20 years.

tribpot · 05/05/2023 12:21

I wouldn't do it on holiday, as that gives the oldest one the excuse of you being away with the others and them being an afterthought. It also means the younger two don't have any choice about attending - not saying they wouldn't want to, but it gives them a choice. I think logistically it may add complication as well, as you need to give notice locally beforehand?

Original poster
Nic134 · 05/05/2023 17:34

We've always wanted to get married in this area as it's our fav family holiday spot...been going there for years...only going away for five days..
My Younger ones will be 17 and 21 by time we go and are both fine with the idea as we've run it by them before....
We was going to do the big wedding of friends and family but that was about 80 people and we couldn't afford that ( coming in at £7000 ) we didn't want the debt from it so cancelled all our plans ...we just want it us two and the kids! The oldest will be 23 time we go but they are adamant there not interested ...they was invited to come away with us originally but not interested...same as last year wasn't interested in anything we do.
I will invite them ....I pay for hotel room for them Incase..book them in etc..but if they don't want to go what can I do!

But I think like you all said must include the children which I will do now... unfortunately it's too dear in our area looking at £700 registry office .our holiday is only £200...plus registry office still cheaper...

OP posts:
Original poster
Nic134 · 16/05/2023 22:15

My partner wants to get married away on holiday in uk as it's his fav place. Plus it's only £46 relaxed ceremony...he don't want any of his family there etc...as don't like fuss or big crowds...and as previously stated we was organizing the big wedding for £7000+ and realized we didn't want the debt...
I did look into a local registry office for £350 but then you have to invite everyone and if u don't they take offense ...
My youngest two will be away with us any way. I have booked a room for my eldest in case they change there minds...
Not going to lie while thing stressing me out..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/05/2023 22:19

Why/what are you stressing about?

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