Fed up of marriage, the grind etc

[CheshireDing]

Does anyone else fantasise about their life before marriage /children ?

I honestly don’t know if I just have rose tinted glasses or am actually fed up

When I was single I used to feel that everyone had a boyfriend, now I have been married for 14 years I feel single was more fun/would be better. I am so sick of it all at the minute

It just all seems sooo boring, work, cleaning, feeding DC (who are all only primary aged and eat and make mess)

If we separated I would have days where my house wouldn’t be a mess, I wouldn’t have to clean up after DC and I could focus on my work (because DH would have to have the DC half the time). Currently he works most days and long hours so I do the lions share (full time work and DC/house stuff)

I was watching a film the other day why the couple were separating and wife told the DH he was having a mid life crisis. The film was a few years old and I wondered whether people still use the phrase and if so surely it’s just a really accusatory way of calling someone out when they have left a relationship (which seems to have a lot in peoples 40’s). Maybe by then people are exhausted/fed up ?

sorry for my musings, not really sure what I am trying to say 😬

I'm divorced after knowing my ex for 30 years. I feel wonderful !! Having said that, the divorced was horrific.
I will never live with a man again.
Good luck with your choice :)

Can you try making some changes first. If you work the same amount of hours, you should doing equal time on housework, child care etc, surely? Can you afford a cleaner so you have more spare time to do fun family things? And/or do a massive declutter so it's much easier to keep clean.

I’m all for LTB as me and my single friends have more free time than married mums.

However, you seem to be hacked off with the general drudge of everyday life, rather than your DH. Are you sure it’s him that’s the problem and not just the usual routine?

I think you need to have a chat with him, spend more time together, get him to do more chores or get a cleaner, and get to know one another again.

Could you work condensed hours or take a day off every week just for you? Could DH do similar? Sounds like you need a new interest to keep you feeling alive.

I think it can be boring looking after young kids- it’s relentless.

I left my now ex dh for this reason. It was bliss actually - he had dd every other weekend and I sort of had a wild time. Got myself a job in a pub and made loads of new friends. Peace and quiet when I wanted it etc. But the downside was of course I missed dd. And I got lonely a lot too. And then I got remarried (eventually) and now I’ve been married 15 years. I wouldn’t want to be without dh, or to have to share ds with him (Ds is 10, dd is now an adult). But a lot of that is because we share stuff between us. My ex was about as useful around the house as a chocolate fireguard. So maybe that’s a lot to do with it too….

I know exactly what you mean!. I did everything in house, worked full time. When now ex fecked off with OW, it was brilliant. Weekends to myself. Not that I'm suggesting you split up.

I don't think divorce is a rational solution to being tired of the drudgery of parenting. It's expensive and has long reaching consequences for kids. Being alone has its downsides too.

Parenting small children is tedious but you have to build in fun/breaks for yourself. Kids do grow up. It gets better.

Will he definitely have the children 50:50
If you can afford houses near each other and if you believe he could be trusted to have the children 50:50 then I agree with you.
I'm single and never had any break and I was fine with being single but I had the children 24/7
(He was abusive though so I never pushed for him to see the children and he lost interest very quickly).
He was originally going to go for full custody which is a big and often made claim but that fell to the way side luckily. I would rather have had them 100% than let an abusive man have them. But in normal shoes, or normal boats., I feel like co-parents who just fell out of love and shared the childcare and both worked around that, they were the lucky ones, they had free time, they had their own place, their own work. I envied them! Probably married people didn't but even in that smug married way of looking at things, these co-parents rank above single mums doing it all on their own.

You do come out the other side. My dc are 14 and 17. For the past few years they have been more independent, and actually help with chores rather than creating them! I'm busy because I'm working full time again after years of being part time and kind of 'default parent' to a certain extent. But my free time feels more like actual free time iyswim.

Imo divorce doesn't get rid of drudgery. Surely the reason for divorcing is the failure of your relationship with your husband?

Sorry you're feeling like this. No I don't ever miss being single and child free.

If there is nothing wrong with your relationship, what about having a monthly night out? Or plan an annual holiday just the two of you?

We plan lots of fun (free) things to do as a family. That is a good way to associate family with feeling contented.

If we separated I would have days where my house wouldn’t be a mess, I wouldn’t have to clean up after DC and I could focus on my work (because DH would have to have the DC half the time).

So, basically you 'd like to separate so you can offload your children for a few days a week and have some time off? Why have kids if you expect time off?

What will you do if you separate and he decides he can only have the kids for 3 hrs every other Saturday, or less? Or not at all?

I have often thought that if I split with H I would get maybe 50% of time child free. BLISS!

I suppose the benefit of being together is that I can go out when I like, as long as DH is in, rather than only in my non custody time… but not sure if that compensates for proper whole days child free…

If he works long hours I doubt he will have the kids 50/50.

Actually what I read is that separating would force her DH to step up and actually do the 50% of the parenting and cleaning he is supposed to but isn’t doing!!

Which would then leave her with time to do stuff for herself rather than being at the bottom of the pile after everyone else.

@3FriendsAndADog

Yes it's an assumption many women make before separation only to find their partner doesn't step up and can't be forced to. So they are actually left with the same amount of work, possible more, with only 1 income.

If he isn't pulling his weight now, he very likely to see separation as an even bigger excuse to opt out.

You can't count on men. Full stop.

@CheshireDing I get you.
The feeling if having no one else to look after is exhilarating isn’t it?

Fwiw, I think you need to start where you are.
Point out to your DH the fact you are the one shouldering everything, mental load included and he needs to step up.
And I’d booked some time each week to do something for yourself.
You dream to be able to gout every other Saturday? Go for it.
You are the only to clean up after tte dcs? Have a rota saying who is cleaning at the end of the day. Make it half and half etc…

I often think it’s not that things are boring. It’s the fact we are told to do it all, with a smile and Wo complaining that is the issue. And we loose ourselves in the process

Yep that’s quite possible @ticktickticktickBOOM . Actually probable.

But my point is still that it has nothing to do with her not wanting her dcs.
Wanting some time off her dcs is OK. It’s healthy both for the dcs and for mum.
There is no need to shame a woman for wanting what most fathers get by default.

As a fantasy? Absolutely.

In reality? No.

Firstly, I think you're being wildly optimistic to think that

DH would have to have the DC half the time). Currently he works most days and long hours

It's more likely that you'll still be picking baked beans out of the carpet 12 days out of 14, and your flexibility to do anything out of the house in the evening will vanish.

He will still be working long hours most days, and every other weekend you'll watch the tearstained face of your kids driving up the road then you'll sit on the sofa for six hours staring at the wall feeling absolutely dire, not knowing what to do with yourself.

I am divorced and while it was the best think I could have done, it was a last resort to get out of my marriage, not away from the, let's face it, sometimes relentless monotony and drudgery of raising small children. Solo parenting is absolutely no picnic. Divorce is expensive and incredibly stressful.

I don't feel this is your answer.

I am separating from my husband for this exact reason as numerous crisis talks have resulted in no change. It’s not ideal and it comes with its own problems/cons but you deserve to be happy. As others have said, you could do with talking to your DH first to see if there is any way to fix how you feel.
If the other person works long, unpredictable hours and you never know when they’re going to walk in through the door it can be so hard to set up any kind of schedule regarding chores or to book in your own time. You can’t just walk out the door if the person who is supposed to be watching them isn’t there! If nothing changes then you have every right to separate and divorce. Life is for living.

Is it the husband or the kids that annoy you?

I could focus on my work (because DH would have to have the DC half the time).

Yeah in theory, the reality is that he would probably expect the status quo.

DH and I don't have kids and have been together for 18 years, and life is fun.
Sorry to rub it in - I don't mean to - I just think most of what you describe is parenting, isn't it, and possibly not down to marriage?

No I think that’s parenting with someone who thinks he can get away with not doing any parenting….

I mean when women say they finally have time for themselves because the ex has the dcs EOW, it shows the extend of the issue really….

Thank you everyone. I have read all your replies and will go over and read them again.

There is a lot of sensible advice and questions there too

Maybe I am merging the 2 things and actually the DC and the DH are separate issues at the moment/different things bugging me

Paying for some extra help around the house, or reducing your or DH’s hours so there is more free time, will cost a LOT less than divorce!

If you are really at the point of considering divorce just so as to get a break then talk to your DH about what you can change to reduce the grind.

Your kids getting older will help as a pp said but there may well be changes you/he can make in the meantime that will make a big difference.

I do know what you mean though about mid life crisis. I’m at the same stage as you and there is a huge element of groundhog day about it. The survival through small children years are over and you finally look up and think “oh. is this it”?

I'm not 'shaming' anyone. Just reiterating what the OP said they wanted: days off.

No-one with kids expects days off. The fact that the husband is shit is bytheby. The reality is that most men think they do 'enough' if they read a bedtime story once a week.
It's an age old problem and why many relationships break down.
Breaking up to get time off is very likely to back fire. Its the reality.