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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fed up of marriage, the grind etc

42 replies

CheshireDing · 04/05/2023 16:10

Does anyone else fantasise about their life before marriage /children ?

I honestly don’t know if I just have rose tinted glasses or am actually fed up

When I was single I used to feel that everyone had a boyfriend, now I have been married for 14 years I feel single was more fun/would be better. I am so sick of it all at the minute

It just all seems sooo boring, work, cleaning, feeding DC (who are all only primary aged and eat and make mess)

If we separated I would have days where my house wouldn’t be a mess, I wouldn’t have to clean up after DC and I could focus on my work (because DH would have to have the DC half the time). Currently he works most days and long hours so I do the lions share (full time work and DC/house stuff)

I was watching a film the other day why the couple were separating and wife told the DH he was having a mid life crisis. The film was a few years old and I wondered whether people still use the phrase and if so surely it’s just a really accusatory way of calling someone out when they have left a relationship (which seems to have a lot in peoples 40’s). Maybe by then people are exhausted/fed up ?

sorry for my musings, not really sure what I am trying to say 😬

OP posts:

Johnisafckface · 04/05/2023 19:11

Don't always count on your husband taking your kids half time. I know soooo many moms where the dad sees the kids only on weekends, or every other weekend, and many rarely ever. And not because the mom is keeping them away from the dads either - they all would welcome the break.

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 19:18

No-one with kids expects days off.

I’m sorry but with two primary aged school dcs, my dh has had AMPLE days odd, like a hell of a lot of fathers. Simply, because he automatically kept all his hobbies. As you say, an age old problem.

I had to fight but I did have some days off too, whole days for myself too, incl when they were little.
Being a parent, mum or dad, doesn’t mean no days off ever. Less if them yes. Not as much flexibility, yes. But I fully disagree you should expect no days off.

And, in my books, saying to a woman with kids who says she wants some days off that she just shouldn’t expect any days off is shaming her.

mydogisthebest · 04/05/2023 20:25

It doesn't sound like your problem is marriage but children.

Like another poster, me and DH have no children and our marriage is happy and loving. We have a lot of fun together and have been married 43 years.

Maryslargelamb · 04/05/2023 20:40

mydogisthebest · 04/05/2023 20:25

It doesn't sound like your problem is marriage but children.

Like another poster, me and DH have no children and our marriage is happy and loving. We have a lot of fun together and have been married 43 years.

Of all the smug married couples, that post must make you the smuggest. 🙄

mydogisthebest · 04/05/2023 20:49

Maryslargelamb · 04/05/2023 20:40

Of all the smug married couples, that post must make you the smuggest. 🙄

Show quote history

Truth hurts!

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2023 20:53

What makes you think he’d have them 50/50 given the hours he works?

Goldbar · 04/05/2023 21:34

Divorce is expensive and, as people have said, you couldn't force him to have the DC 50/50 or even EOW and he might not.

There may be other reasons which make divorce the least worst option, but if your aim is to escape the drudge in the short-term, it would be far cheaper to drain the joint account and spend money on cleaners, takeaways and babysitters. If he objects, he can clean/cook/care for the kids himself. As people have said, your DC will become more independent and self-sufficient in a few years time, so from a purely drudge-escaping perspective that would be the time to kick your marriage to the kerb.

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 08:03

Could you arrange nights out with friends or a mini break away on your own or with a friend to give you something nice to focus in and see if this helps.
Could you afford to go halves with your DH for a cleaner?
Stop doing his laundry if you do it and any other things like that you can think of.

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2023 08:09

Marriage /relationships are a very dud deal if you are the service human in them. Expected to work and do all the parenting and housework. While the other partner pleases themselves focussing on work and usually manages a hobby or two too.

MaxTalk · 05/05/2023 08:17

I love my kids more than anything and don't want to be without them. But I should never have had them.

I think that may be the case for many people.

IHateFlies · 05/05/2023 08:24

It's really, really hard if you both work full time.
The only reason I'm not fed up (dh works long hrs too) is because I work part time.
I have Fridays to run errands, get some cleaning done and relax for a bit.
Dh is quite good on the weekends too so we get some r and r.

Toloveandtowork · 05/05/2023 08:41

Having children is so trapping for women. It feels very unfair to be left to do all, or most of the work to bring up the next generation. We get walked all over, left to carry the load and shamed into silence if we complain. Awful. It's life-ruining.
It's worth a shot to speak to your husband about 50:50, but he might not do it.

Lili132 · 05/05/2023 08:52

ticktickticktickBOOM · 04/05/2023 17:04

If we separated I would have days where my house wouldn’t be a mess, I wouldn’t have to clean up after DC and I could focus on my work (because DH would have to have the DC half the time).

So, basically you 'd like to separate so you can offload your children for a few days a week and have some time off? Why have kids if you expect time off?

What will you do if you separate and he decides he can only have the kids for 3 hrs every other Saturday, or less? Or not at all?

Did you miss the part where she says she works full time and also does ALL the housework and looking after their two kids? No wonder she's exhausted.
Her husband should be reducing his hours, pushing for more flexibility when he has two small children at home and a wife working full time. Or paying for help.

2catsandhappy · 05/05/2023 09:00

It all sounds overwhelming and frustrating.
House mess
Cooking
Lack of free time for yourself
Dh working long hours and most days

Could you and dh have a talk about solutions? Tackle one thing at a time?

Lili132 · 05/05/2023 09:07

ticktickticktickBOOM · 04/05/2023 18:55

I'm not 'shaming' anyone. Just reiterating what the OP said they wanted: days off.

No-one with kids expects days off. The fact that the husband is shit is bytheby. The reality is that most men think they do 'enough' if they read a bedtime story once a week.
It's an age old problem and why many relationships break down.
Breaking up to get time off is very likely to back fire. Its the reality.

Show quote history

But majority of people do not do everything, working full time plus doing all at home. There is just not enough hours in a day. It's extremely exhausting and stressful because you can never relax or enjoy family time as there is always something on the list to tick off.
You seem to be very petty, picking on what OP said rather then what the context is.

And I'm sorry you had such a bad example of how men behave in relationships but no - it's not normal and it's not an excuse. And maybe the men who are crap at home and at parenting are like that precisely because of low expectations? "Hey he's a man, it's what it is, get over it attitude" is not helpful!
It's form of enabling that is being past onto generations.

dottiedodah · 05/05/2023 10:19

Sometimes I think you hit a sort of a "wall" around the 40s /10 or 15 years married and work to factor in too. A life span of around 80 years these days is not unusual.So a "half time"block is almost to be expected ! However I think men should "step up" and take their part .I am in my 50s and Dad used to get up for my night feed and wash up/hoover! So many men seem to use that same old excuse of "work" which could be or as likely ,"Meetings" in the pub,overtime and so on .Sit down for a tete a tete and iron out any problems ,Also maybe some WE away .Or holidays would be something to look forward to

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/05/2023 11:12

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 17:16

Actually what I read is that separating would force her DH to step up and actually do the 50% of the parenting and cleaning he is supposed to but isn’t doing!!

Which would then leave her with time to do stuff for herself rather than being at the bottom of the pile after everyone else.

Show quote history

But he can't actually be forced to step up. A court can't and won't even try to force a parent to have more custody than they chose to. Legally the only thing he has to do is pay child support and even that can be gotten around if he's determined enough. Divorcing someone so they'll step up as a father is a risky move at best and highly likely to backfire and leave OP with even more of the hard graft of parenthood.

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