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Original poster

How to approach this?

34 replies

CleverLilViper · 04/05/2023 10:09

For background: Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years, but we've known each other as friends for a good twenty years now. We're both in our mid-thirties.

I'm at the stage in my life where I'm ready to fully settle down and have kids. I want to build a future/life together with this man and I'm completely in love with him. We get on so well and I think, or thought, we were so compatible.

As I'm nearing 36, I'm aware that the clock is now ticking for me to have kids. He says he wants children and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but when I broach the topic of children with him and explain about my reasons for wanting to progress quicker than is ideal, he flies off the handle.

He's set his sights on going on a family holiday in 2 years time and is fixed on that. He's made it clear that he doesn't want any movement on the children front until after that holiday so that he definitely gets to go. I'll be 38 by then.

This is a holiday that he went on to the same place last year. He's been multiple times, but apparently because he missed out on a shorter version (due to work commitments last year) I should have been fully aware that he'd want to go on it now.

I know that he wants to go on it and in part, I absolutely understand. I myself would love a holiday to Mexico again, but I know that we have to get our priorities straight.

I'd be fine with him going if it wouldn't delay progress in our relationship. If we could still prioritise having children and settling down together. If we were lucky enough to have a child in that time, I'd be able to manage for two weeks without him. So long as I got my girl's trip after 😂

Instead, he just treats me as if I'm being totally unreasonable questioning his priorities and expecting that he should be in the same frame of mind-and maybe I am-but I can't reasonably do anything about biological reality, can I? I can't jump back in a time machine and make myself younger and give us more time.

I'd love it if we had more time to just enjoy each other and do fun things together. We just don't. I honestly don't know where to go from here. On the one hand, I think I'm completely unreasonable expecting us to be moving forward and progressing as a couple to building a family. On the other hand, I want to know that I'm not wasting my time with him and I feel like I am.

How do I approach this? I really don't want to break up with him-my family thinks that's the route it's going down-but I love him so much and I want my future to be with him. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Esmejane81 · 04/05/2023 10:25

I think it’s going to be a tough one if you can’t compromise, and not to sound harsh but you’ve already told him the holiday could go ahead for him irrelevant of anything else so I don’t think he is being reasonable at all using that as an excuse.

Unfortunately you are right in terms of there being an ideal window for having children. I can’t have children naturally and the difference between having IVF at 28 compared to when I had my last child at 36 was significant and I was just super lucky it worked.

If you are on the same page and he loves you and is committed to you as much as you are to him then he should be open to this discussion. It’s pretty off that this holiday is his reason, perhaps he just doesn’t want to have children and is too worried to tell you?

LiliLil · 04/05/2023 10:30

What do you mean by flying off the handle?

Are you certain he wants children? Will there be something else after the two week holiday that means you have to delay? 38 is risky to wait and hope he’ll want to start trying then.

frozendaisy · 04/05/2023 10:36

I assume he is a similar age.

Does he want to be an older and older dad?

Just lay it on the table. Like it or not you are a biological woman and the longer you leave it the less chance of being pregnant at all, and greater chance of complications for you and baby.

If the is going to take this choice away from you you need to know.
Unlikely you will meet someone else and have a baby in that time but you need to know and make a decision if you want to stay with someone who might takeaway this choice.

Say you are going on that holiday baby or not. Even if you miss the birth I don't care you can go.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/05/2023 10:37

He doesn't want children. At least, not with you. Hes not committed to you at all.

So you have a choice. Him and no children, or children with another person. (Or just another person who is actually committed to you as a partner). Only you can decide if you can live a life without children and without resentment, possibly with him leaving you in several years time as well.

Original poster
CleverLilViper · 04/05/2023 10:38

Thank you for your responses.

He always says he wants children, but I think he doesn't really comprehend why there's a time pressure for us both and thinks I'm putting pressure on him by mentioning it.

He flew off the handle in that he started throwing everything in my face-how unfair and unreasonable I was being, how shit I made him feel (he acts like this at any questioning of what he wants for the future) etc. He always calls any questions/criticism an attack-even when I make it clear I'm not trying to have a go at him, just trying to get clarity.

He's a really great guy and he treats me well-and I know he would be a great dad but I just don't know if he's even aware or taking seriously the time pressure we both have if we're to have children together.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 04/05/2023 10:42

It's funny, but he doesn't sound like a really great guy who treats you well...

FirstLaburnum · 04/05/2023 10:42

Honestly doesn't sound like the makings of a great father

LiliLil · 04/05/2023 10:42

He really doesn’t sound like a great guy…

TedMullins · 04/05/2023 10:43

He doesn’t sound like a really great guy, he sounds incredibly emotionally immature. How’s he going to deal with the pressures of parenting if he can’t even regulate his emotions when being asked reasonable questions about the future of the relationship? It doesn’t sound like he wants kids to be honest. It also sounds like you can’t have any kind of serious conversation with him without him making it an argument because of his own fragile ego.

Catlord · 04/05/2023 10:44

I don't think hes being straightforward with you about his intentions.

You've known each other decades, been together 2 years and are in your mid 30s. Not saying it's a last chance rush at 36 necessarily but putting off TTC so he can go on holiday to somewhere he's been before sounds like obfuscation. He's either not sure about having children or not sure about doing so with you.

You've said he can have the holiday either way so it isn't true, is it, what he's saying? He should at least be mature enough to have the conversation with you, not shut it down like this.

Could a counsellor help actually thrash out the issue? Please don't just go along with the 2 year wait while he decides. The point to thrash out is whether he wants children with you or not. Fine if not, you just need to know because it is important to you and waiting is potentially going to make it harder.

I'm so sorry to be harsh but I don't want you wasting your fertile years only for something else to come up after. If he says 'you pushed me away by insisting we go into this' then don't believe him. He'd be just using you as an excuse.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2023 10:44

He doesn't sound very nice throwing stuff into your face..surely he should be up for a serious discussion. Could you book an appointment with your doctor for you both so he can hear how important it is for you to start getting pregnant. Sounds like he has no idea how a womans body works. Or some counselling sessions where he will have to listen.
Do not wait two years so he can go on his stupid holiday as it will be something else then.

Catlord · 04/05/2023 10:45

Just read your update. He doesn't sound great. Unempathetic and baby ish more like.

Daisydu · 04/05/2023 10:48

I think you’re wasting precious time on a man who doesn’t want the same as you. You haven’t got time to waste if you want to have children. So to be honest as hard as it is, I think you need to break it off and find someone who wants what you do.

Eggseggseverywhere · 04/05/2023 10:48

A great df isn't one who flies off the handle to ensure he gets his own way..

SimoneSimone · 04/05/2023 10:49

He is wasting your time.

HellonHeels · 04/05/2023 10:49

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/05/2023 10:42

It's funny, but he doesn't sound like a really great guy who treats you well...

Exactly this.

If you really want to have children you need to wake up to the reality of what he is.

He's a fairly nasty individual who treats you very badly and is stringing you along about having children. If you stay with him he'll probably do that until it's too late for.you to have children.

Then he'll probably dump you for someone younger and fertile and have children with her.

Which do you want more - children, or being in a relationship with someone who treats you badly and doesn't want to commit to you?.

FictionalCharacter · 04/05/2023 10:54

Sorry, but a "really great guy" doesn't treat his partner like that.
Delaying having children because of a bog standard holiday in two years' time tells you all you need to know about his priorities. Losing his temper at you that badly tells you all you need to know about his character and how he'll treat you when you're tied down with his child.

TulipsTwoLips · 04/05/2023 10:55

i have a two month old baby and tbh couldn’t see it working with someone who is like this. With sleepless nights and a crying baby you have to make an extra point of not hearing things as an attack, not flare up at everything. Im sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he would be out of the door in the first few weeks and blaming his decision on you.

Beanie567 · 04/05/2023 10:56

He wants kids in HIS timeframe. That does not coincide with your timeframe. He is highly likely to continue in his relationship with you - there’s nothing wrong with it, he likes being with you etc. Just when he DOES decide it’s the right time to have kids (for him) you’ll probably find you need to go down the assisted route. And yes, he’ll probably find someone younger with no fertility issues instead.

Basically, he likes his life right now. If you want kids, you need to move on and find someone on the same page.

Original poster
CleverLilViper · 04/05/2023 10:57

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it.

I think you're all right. I suspect he either doesn't want children or doesn't want them with me and doesn't want to say it. So he's stringing me along.

I think it's time to have that talk and demand real concrete answers from him. I need to make him completely aware of why we need to get a move on with kids if they are something that he wants with me.

I'm just so sad that he feels that a holiday is more important than our relationship and building a future together. Don't get me wrong-I love a good holiday like anyone-but it's two weeks and the place will still be there for years to come. It's also the kind of place you'd take kids, too and I've always want to do that.

It's not even like he can't have the holiday. He can.

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 04/05/2023 11:00

Dont think he wants kids. And he doesn't come across like a nice person either. Id have a frank honest conversation with him and then leave if he cannot try to have children. You only have a shirt window where as he could still have kids at 50 if he wanted and found someone to have kids with in case he changed his mind later.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/05/2023 11:02

I'm sorry op, and I've seen you acknowledged it in your recent post, but it's really clear to me that this isn't a good man, he is selfish. We can see what you can't because you're blinded by love and only seeing his good points.
If you want children you will need to move on from this man. Because selfish men do not make good people to have dc with.

Original poster
CleverLilViper · 04/05/2023 11:23

Thank you all so much.

It's such a tough decision, but you're all right. I think he is behaving and being very selfish (whilst making me out to be selfish) and only thinking about what he wants on his timeframes and not me at all.

I'll be sitting down with him tonight, laying out exactly what I want for the future and just asking him directly if it is what he wants or not. He needs to give me a clear and direct answer tonight. It can't keep dragging on as I don't have the time to waste with someone who may be stringing me along.

I feel bad because I think I'm essentially giving him an ultimatum but the reality is-that's all I can really do. I need an answer and if it's not the one that I want, I need to move on to someone else entirely and I haven't got any time to waste.

I've been so stuck thinking I'm being completely unreasonable putting pressure on him so it's comforting that other people don't think so.

OP posts:
bjrce · 04/05/2023 11:28

Sorry OP!

He's feeding you a line - he's basically saying he doesn't want the topic of kids to be discussed until after the holiday - In 2 years time.

I guarantee there'll be another reason after that - he'll want to wait until you're married, another year or two after which he'll blame you for destroying the relationship with all the nagging about having children and run off -

Don't waste your time on this one - the fact that he gets so angry, he is being completely unreasonable - your feelings don't matter to him. The only person he is thinking of is himself.
Its utter bullshit to come out with a holiday as a reason for not having kids.
That should tell you everything you need to know about him as a person.
He is completely selfish - but be warned he'll try and put all the blame on you!

It is very hurtful, but that's the way he is.

Catlord · 04/05/2023 11:30

Good on you. Be assertive here because 2 years will fly by, and you have no guarantee that he will honour what he's said. If having children is a priority to you then don't let him mess you about. He owes you frankness.