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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel panicky ....have I done something wrong ?

37 replies

user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 00:28

Hi all
I'm feeling very panicky about a situation and I'm wondering if anyone can help.
Months ago I was working in a hospitality role .
Over the last two months of me being there I was having friendly banter with a male customer . It became mildly flirty a few weeks ago
Around 10 days ago I told this customer I was moving to a different job , same area ( within a mile ) and he joked I must give him my number before I left .
As it was , I didn't see him again . I had a week off between jobs and started my new one today .
Lo and behold , he walks in . I was pleased to serve him ,we were chatting casually and he asked when I finished . As it happened he was my last paying customer as I'd finished a few mins previously so we walked together a distance . He asked for my number and I gave it and I think this is where I went wrong somehow .

We parted ways about half an hour later and when I got home I felt uncomfortable somehow . Just felt a bit off ( few red flags ) so thought if he did message I'd send a polite message back saying it was nice to see him today but due to lots of commitments I wouldn't be messaging again . Long story short , he's turned a bit needy .
Kind of implied I led him on and he deserved an explanation.
I'm feeling quite panicky now ...I've been single a while and now wondering what did I do wrong ??
He's send a few messages and I sent the last one saying I wouldn't be texting anymore .
Please help .....xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2023 00:33

Don't text him again and hope he gets the hint and leaves you alone. If he comes to your place of work again, you should try to have another colleague take care of him.

HairyFeline · 04/05/2023 00:35

Block him. You’ve done nothing wrong and don’t owe him an explanation. Your instincts are right, trust them. Phone number =shag in his book, clearly 🙄
Put it down to experience and don’t share your number with future customers.

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 00:36

I can't work out how to edit the post but I perhaps I should add , I have experienced domestic abuse in previous relationships ...just scared that with all the work I've done I've missed something . I've not dated in years ...now I'm remembering why . Led here feeling quite vulnerable and anxious x

OP posts:
Happytohelp2 · 04/05/2023 00:36

If need be block him. He should get the message. You’ve done nothing wrong. If you get any more contact tell him you will report him to the police for harassment.

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 00:38

Thanks so much for your replies . I will block and I can promise you , I've not ever given my number out before . I'm old enough to know better and feel really stupid x

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 00:41

God I'm reading my post and feeling like a total lemon . Why do I feel so scared and panicky x

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 00:48

I've blocked and feel slightly calmer now .
Obviously my instincts were right from the messages he sent .
I've never posted on here before but want to say a big thanks for your replies ladies .
Appreciate it so much x

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 04/05/2023 00:58

You know you were wrong in giving your number out like that apart from that once you thought about it you did the right thing. Find it odd he turned up at next job tho did you say where you were going to him

Deanie02 · 04/05/2023 01:13

Thankfully you felt something Was off with him.

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 01:23

Wrong to give my number out ? No ... I didn't know that . Yes , I mentioned where I was going to quite a few regulars . I'd been there a while so people naturally asked and I had no reason not to say . The messages I received were disproportionate to the amount of time we spent together ....around half an hour . I gave my number over at the beginning .
Won't repeat that mistake again obviously but still feel the messages I received were unwarranted.
I'm dealing with two ill members of family in two households so I explained I had a lot on right now ( which is very true on reflection ) . However , I wasn't rude I my messages and didn't expect the responses I got .

OP posts:
MrMarkham · 04/05/2023 01:36

LadyJ2023 · 04/05/2023 00:58

You know you were wrong in giving your number out like that apart from that once you thought about it you did the right thing. Find it odd he turned up at next job tho did you say where you were going to him

I might have misinterpreted your comment but OP wasn't wrong to give her number at all, that doesn't commit her to anything. Shes done absolutely nothing wrong here. After giving her number she decided, on reflection, she didn't want to message him, that's fine.

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 01:44

In all the years I've been single I've never given my number out to anyone !
When he made the comment I kind of laughed it off and tbh , didn't expect to see him again .
I do feel pretty bloody stupid though ... Didn't realise it wasn't the " done thing " and definitely won't be doing it again 😔
The messages he sent when I politely explained I had a lot of family commitments currently and to take care weren't exactly respectful so I think , even if it gave the wrong impression I didn't deserve arsey responses implying I'd led him on and he deserved an

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 01:45

Send too soon
Deserved an explanation of why I'd changed my mind on a potential date . We hadn't arranged anything .

OP posts:
Novatherova · 04/05/2023 01:52

You didn't do anything wrong in giving your number out xxx

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 01:52

In the half an hour we'd spent together he said some things which I determined as definite red flags . I'm imagining if this would of been a first date scenario I wouldn't of wanted to persue anyway . In which case him having my number would be irrelevant... I'm allowed to say no thanks after a first date too surely ?
Clearly I'm clueless with all this .... I feel like shit now if I'm honest

OP posts:
Novatherova · 04/05/2023 01:53

You're a grown single woman, you don't owe anyone anything. Do as you want.

And your responses sound perfect

Novatherova · 04/05/2023 01:53

Why don't? Honest.

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 01:54

Thank you all .... I appreciate your time and posts . Night time is the worst when you're panicky isn't it x

OP posts:
Novatherova · 04/05/2023 01:54

Maybe dating right now isn't the best time for you. How old are you?

Novatherova · 04/05/2023 01:55

Yes I get anxiety bad at night. And day time too haĥ

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 02:00

Old enough to know better believe me 😉
Anxiety is a killer , you're right , dating is definitely not on the agenda for me . For a brief moment thought it would be nice to go on a date , dress up , talk about something other than what's sad in my life yknow .... xx

OP posts:
Hurryupandleave · 04/05/2023 02:50

Honestly OP you've done nothing wrong, or stupid, or naïve here, he sounds like a creep and you saw the red flags and extricated yourself at the first available opportunity once you had, all good. The only thing you need to brush up on is not taking on board the guilt trip when you assert your boundaries, you can say no anytime and to anyone you like and any decent bloke would have respected your no and left you alone. So he wasn't a decent bloke and you were right to get rid, good call.

Sounds to me like you've done the work around boundaries and trusting your instincts after surviving abuse and this was your first go at putting that into practice which is why it triggered anxiety and overthinking your own actions. But you did really well and I hope you can see that when the anxiety subsides Flowers

Original poster
user1484492781 · 04/05/2023 06:48

Hurryupandleave · 04/05/2023 02:50

Honestly OP you've done nothing wrong, or stupid, or naïve here, he sounds like a creep and you saw the red flags and extricated yourself at the first available opportunity once you had, all good. The only thing you need to brush up on is not taking on board the guilt trip when you assert your boundaries, you can say no anytime and to anyone you like and any decent bloke would have respected your no and left you alone. So he wasn't a decent bloke and you were right to get rid, good call.

Sounds to me like you've done the work around boundaries and trusting your instincts after surviving abuse and this was your first go at putting that into practice which is why it triggered anxiety and overthinking your own actions. But you did really well and I hope you can see that when the anxiety subsides Flowers

Thanks so.much . You're right on everything you've said .....thank you for putting it so clearly and eloquently.
Anxiety is sky high this morning ...but that's ok . Like you say it will subside and I shouldn't feel bad . Genuinely thought he was a friendly , funny carefree kind of vibe but when speaking to him for a while.realised we were on different wavelengths .
I've got scared because I'm annoyed I didn't see it before . He doesn't live too far from me ( around 2 miles ) and it did trigger a lot of panic last night and I haven't slept well at all ..x
Appreciate all the responses , thanks so much 🙏

OP posts:
Veara · 04/05/2023 06:56

As pp has said you've done nothing wrong and have asserted your boundaries which is positive. It's him, not you. You're okay.

AutumnCrow · 04/05/2023 07:08

Veara · 04/05/2023 06:56

As pp has said you've done nothing wrong and have asserted your boundaries which is positive. It's him, not you. You're okay.

I agree. The polite and normal response to getting the early brush off (which “I’ve got a lot on right now” clearly is) is to say “OK thanks for letting me know. Let me know if you’re free down the line and want to do something.”

It’s not a polite and normal response to demand an explanation. That’s really not good.

Well done for spotting this boundary-pushing so early, and knocking it on the head. Onwards and upwards.

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