Feel panicky ....have I done something wrong ?

[user1484492781]

Hi all
I'm feeling very panicky about a situation and I'm wondering if anyone can help.
Months ago I was working in a hospitality role .
Over the last two months of me being there I was having friendly banter with a male customer . It became mildly flirty a few weeks ago
Around 10 days ago I told this customer I was moving to a different job , same area ( within a mile ) and he joked I must give him my number before I left .
As it was , I didn't see him again . I had a week off between jobs and started my new one today .
Lo and behold , he walks in . I was pleased to serve him ,we were chatting casually and he asked when I finished . As it happened he was my last paying customer as I'd finished a few mins previously so we walked together a distance . He asked for my number and I gave it and I think this is where I went wrong somehow .

We parted ways about half an hour later and when I got home I felt uncomfortable somehow . Just felt a bit off ( few red flags ) so thought if he did message I'd send a polite message back saying it was nice to see him today but due to lots of commitments I wouldn't be messaging again . Long story short , he's turned a bit needy .
Kind of implied I led him on and he deserved an explanation.
I'm feeling quite panicky now ...I've been single a while and now wondering what did I do wrong ??
He's send a few messages and I sent the last one saying I wouldn't be texting anymore .
Please help .....xx

No you’ve done nothing wrong - you should feel proud! You felt something was off, you trusted that feeling and you put boundaries in place that’s incredible!

His reaction to your boundaries is not your problem, you could have been halfway through a meal on a date with this guy and you’re still entitled to change your mind. At any time, without explanation.

If he comes to work and makes you feel uncomfortable please let someone know x

It's not wrong to give your number to somebody!

How does anyone have anyone's number unless they give it to them! What a ridiculous comment that was.

Genuinely thought he was a friendly , funny carefree kind of vibe but when speaking to him for a while.realised we were on different wavelengths .

And that is absolutely fine!

Giving your number out to random pissed blokes in the pub - not a good idea.

Giving your number to one man you'd built up a rapport with over a significant amount of time - absolutely fine.

This possibly seems bigger to you than it needs to be if you've been single for a long time. Try not to worry about it. The vast majority of these men will just fade away if you ignore them. The few who don't? Well that's what the police are for.

I'd be concerned for you if you were asking how you 'get past' not liking him after all or were worried about 'letting him down gently' or wondered if you were being 'too sensitive' (as many women post on here asking). You've got good instincts and you acted on them. You're all good 😉

Again, you haven’t done any wrong at all. Block him and don’t engage with him.
If you do see him again be very curt. Better still get a college to serve him.

I’d say actually your previous experience has in fact made you more cautious. You felt something was off after half an hour, that’s to be commended.
Having a flirt, giving your number out and then changing your mind is fine. That’s not wrong. How would anyone ever meet anyone if they wouldn’t? I’m a bit puzzled on that.
He must have given off some big old red flags in that half an hour to have such a change of heart.
If he comes in, just be friendly but cool. Try to get someone else to serve him if possible but if not, just serve him (presumably bar staff) as there may be no other colleague on with you. Book a cab at the end of shift if he shows up.

Even if you had gone on dates with him, you still don’t owe him anything. You’re allowed to change your mind.

Thank you ladies !!
The red flags were real venom towards the ex , a few lifestyle choices that don't align with mine ( no màssive thing but I don't drink anymore ) .
Sounds an overreaction but I hate the term baby Mumma too . All things I'd not heard on the other side of the counter yknow .
Your honest words have really helped me . I think a lot of you are right , I feel uncomfortable putting the boundary in place but ultimately glad I did .
The texts were over the top and mentioned how did I think that made him feel etc , etc . I honestly.thouhjt I'd done something wrong somehow. Not one date and already had me doubting myself .
Big fat fucking no from me.✅

This!

Wish I could " love " react your responses !!
I'll trust myself more in future that's for sure ..I mean ..if this was my friend or grown up daughters I know what my response would of been . I'm learning to give myself the same grace x

Well done you! You've picked up on red flags and acted accordingly. That's huge, especially with your relationship history. You deserve a huge pat on the back from yourself. You should be proud.

I agree with everyone else: you did a great job spotting the problem behavior! This person used high pressure tactics and then manipulative language to get around your defenses but you very quickly saw through that. Your conclusion should be the same as if you just won a tough fencing match: during the initial engagement and flurry of moved you lost a point because he got through your defenses (the phone number) but ultimately you figured out his style and beat him soundly (telling him to piss off/blocking him).

Well done sporting this red flags and listening to your gut!

The reason you feel anxious and shaky is because he unleashed his true personality the second ge heard 'no'. He's a bad person and your instincts of being in danger kicked in.

Hopefully that's that but, tell all your colleagues about it so they can look out for you.

Also, are you sure you were not followed home?
Usually it's looking back on things we get the time to process and our instincts about red flags kick in but just incase (because you felt the unease when you got home) is there any chance you were followed?

He may be a stalker. If you see him again at your work, report it to the police. Keep screenshots of all those messages which will show how unhinged he is. But do not reply to anything else he sends you.

Just coming on to say well done OP on listening to your gut and spotting the red flags. As everyone else has said, you haven't done anything wrong, in fact you have quite clearly got new strong boundaries and you acted accordingly.

Maybe your reaction to all this is because your body still remembers the previous abuse you experienced and this man giving off the red flags triggered your brain to respond and go into flight mode. I haven't read the full book The Body Keeps the Score but there is something along those lines in it.