How do you talk to your partner during a row

Ragwort · 03/05/2023 22:03

Absolutely not .. and to be honest I don't really row with my DH, we have disagreements... but we agree to differ rather than actually row. What are you rowing about? Neither DH or I are perfect but we respect each other and focus on our strengths rather than bickering about minor things.

NotTooOldPaul · 03/05/2023 22:08

I've just had a massive row with my wife. I swore at her. I don't usually swear.

I was wrong but it happened.

Kanaloa · 03/05/2023 22:10

A lot of people think shouting/name calling is normal. For me it’s a huge issue. If we’re really pissed off sometimes we will just put a pin in it and not talk about it at that time, then return to it. If our ideas were so different that we ended up shouting or name calling then I’d be reconsidering whether we were suited.

Kanaloa · 03/05/2023 22:10

So yeah I’d say shouting/swearing/name calling isn’t acceptable within the home. Speaking to each other with respect is a necessity for me.

LeefPeeper · 03/05/2023 22:11

I’ll admit I used to be rather sweary and ranty in my younger years. Now I’m not, but when I go really quiet and don’t want to talk about that’s when he knows it’s really bad

Stratocumulus · 03/05/2023 22:12

I tell my DP to stop shouting. I tell him, in a normal tone of voice that shouting at me is tantamount to abuse and I want him to stop. He usually does!

He has just once or twice called me a name (not a sweary name but nevertheless hurtful and unjustified) so on the last occasion when we’d calmed down I later had a quiet chat with him about not calling me that name ever again and that if he does so, he can sling his hook! I have no fear of being alone.
We don’t often row. The last time was about 6 months ago. We are usually an agreeable pair but there are times like in any relationship where tempers flare. I hate confrontation or arguing but I’m not a pushover either!

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 03/05/2023 23:09

We have very heated arguments but not often at all. He shouts, and sometimes swears. I don't. I'm measured, and I suppose I might come off as cold. I don't feel intimidated, we get things sorted quickly and we rarely have the same argument twice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 23:13

I’m assuming in your relationship shouting and swearing is normal but you know/think it’s wrong. It is wrong.

When you love and respect someone you can disagree without being verbally abusive or insulting or nasty.

supercali77 · 03/05/2023 23:19

No and I couldn't go back to a relationship where anyone thought it alright to swear or raise their voice at me

Cheesandcrackers · 03/05/2023 23:25

Don't swear at them. Don't slam doors. Don't threaten to divorce them. Don't attack their personality when you don't like what they are saying. Don't ignore them. Don't tell them that everyone thinks they are wrong/useless. Don't physically intimidate them. Don't tell them some thing and then deny you said it. Simple really.

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 03/05/2023 23:26

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 03/05/2023 23:09

We have very heated arguments but not often at all. He shouts, and sometimes swears. I don't. I'm measured, and I suppose I might come off as cold. I don't feel intimidated, we get things sorted quickly and we rarely have the same argument twice.

I should clarify that he doesn't swear at me. EVER. He does so at the situation. Also, we don't do insults

Livelifelaughter · 04/05/2023 14:24

I don't shout, nor swear, it tends to be a raised normal tone of voice same with all my partners. I tend to say if we are in a stale mate that maybe he should ask a friend for their view if he thinks that I am being unreasonable. Or I ask " can you explain your thinking so I can try and see where you are coming from" - I took a bit marriage counselling a while ago and that helped but I know I also can come across as passive aggressive...

Turfwars · 04/05/2023 15:13

We are both actually very sweary people but we swear about things (or about our ghastly neighbours!) - never at each other. We never shout or call each other names. Long after you've forgotten what you argued about, you'll remember the anger on their face as they called you something horrible, and how that made you feel and that is corrosive to a marriage.

We don't bring up other shit unrelated to it, just discuss the issue at hand. It might be an ongoing issue, but we don't drag in other stuff.

I don't think either of us care about who's right or wrong - just that each of us feels heard, and then that each of us give decent consideration to what the other person thinks and feels, even if we don't agree.

When we differ in opinions our objective is to find somewhere in the middle to agree that we are both happy with, sorting through each bit to identify what we both agree with, and what we disagree with, and how we might reconcile the latter to our mutual satisfaction.

HoeAbout · 04/05/2023 15:31

Dh and I never shout or swear at each other! We disagree now and then but discuss things.

If one of us is particularly frustrated we have an hour or so to ourselves to collect our emotions/thoughts and continue chatting.

That's normal for a healthy relationship.

Brewskipa · 04/05/2023 15:38

DP and I don’t argue. We communicate pretty well so don’t tend to get to that stage but even when we’ve had disagreements we’ve never raised our voices at each other and would dream of calling each other names.

exH and I did. A lot. We were really fucking horrible to each other and it turns out it was because we didn’t actually like or respect each other. I was also young and stupid and have grown a lot so wouldn’t talk to anyone like that.

Xrays · 04/05/2023 15:41

Dh and I have been remarried 15 years. We have a few rows at times but we never really shout - usually because we don’t want to wake the kids up! We only ever discuss things when they’re in bed. It usually ends with us saying “for fucks sake!” in exasperation and then we go a bit quiet with each other for a few days and then we’re back to normal again. I wouldn’t tolerate someone swearing “at” me or launching into personal insults.

Porridgealert · 04/05/2023 15:44

MN women never lose their temper. They are not angry or unkind. They do not raise their voice. They spend time analysing the issue and organising their thoughts before addressing their partner. They use positive and affirmative language to make sure their partner feels uplifted and respected as they talk about their problems. They remain cool under pressure and hold to their boundaries.
MN land is truly is a blessed place to live.

BertieBotts · 04/05/2023 15:57

They aren't red flags, intimidation and name calling is verbal abuse.

A red flag is a warning sign of behaviour that may predict future abuse or might be innocent. If you've got to the point of abusive behaviour it's past red flags.

Shouting and swearing are harder to judge, some people just do talk like that and they don't mean any harm by it, if both partners are OK with it then I don't think it's necessarily a problem.

OTOH if one partner finds shouting and swearing intimidating, or it's very personal (e.g. you fucking bitch vs what the fuck) it might be abusive, it's all in the context.

IMO healthy rows might involve criticising each others' ideas, but they should not involve criticising each other or making generalisations. "That's a stupid idea" is very different from "You're so stupid, that would never work" or "You always come up with these stupid ideas, I don't know why I listen to you"

80s · 04/05/2023 16:01

Been with dp 6 years but living apart which takes off some of the pressure.
No name-calling. The aggrieved person will say what's annoying them in an aggrieved voice and the other person will defend themself or apologise pretty quickly. It's more grumpy than angry. But as I say, we don't have that much to row about. If dp did ever start yelling, we don't live together so I'd be out of there pdq; no reason to stick around.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 04/05/2023 16:04

Do you shout and swear? Call each other names? Is that acceptable?

No no and no.

We don’t row much, can probably count on one hand the times we’ve argued/fallen out (been together 15 years, 3 kids) but I think that’s because we’re v open about our feelings and have very good communication so it never gets to that point generally. Things get resolved before we get to row territory. Not meaning to sound smug, it just seems to work that way for us and it sounds like you’re wanting an insight.

Narco · 04/05/2023 16:05

ooo we shout and swear. I tell him I hate him and and want a divorce. Sulk and ignore each other. Been married 35 years, we know we do not mean it😁

Littlegoth · 04/05/2023 16:06

We don’t event name call. We do get shouty. We are getting better at not swearing. What has really helped is introducing a ‘rewind’. Literally asking to rewind to the point where we started arguing and doing it differently. We don’t argue about serious things though, it’s mostly one of us being tired and ratty, or thoughtless in speech. Rewinds are brilliant.

Myamoth · 04/05/2023 16:07

Living with DP for 10 years, we're both sweary people, but we have never shouted or sworn at each other in anger. We're both quite conflict averse, so if we get angry we will leave whatever it is and come back to discuss it later when calm. I have been known to shout plenty at teenagers though! I think if my other half decided to shout or swear at me in a row I would rethink the relationship, I couldn't be dealing with that.

Megapint · 04/05/2023 16:11

Doesn't happen as much these days but when it does it's very shouty & sweary. I also stomp around & slam doors. One of us will generally leave the house with a 'go fuck yourself' followed by a day or so of not talkng.

Fairislefandango · 04/05/2023 16:35

Absolutely not .. and to be honest I don't really row with my DH, we have disagreements.

^Same.

MN women never lose their temper. They are not angry or unkind. They do not raise their voice. They spend time analysing the issue and organising their thoughts before addressing their partner. They use positive and affirmative language to make sure their partner feels uplifted and respected as they talk about their problems. They remain cool under pressure and hold to their boundaries.
MN land is truly is a blessed place to live.

Did you maybe mean 'Based on my personal impression, most of the small proportion of MNers who happen to respond to threads about rowing with your partner seem to say that they do not shout and swear at their partner'?

...because your comment just sounded like a sarcastic, defensive, knee-jerk reaction, very similar to the 'All Mners are full after two mouthfuls of salad' and 'MNers only ever drink a thimbleful of sherry at Christmas' type comments.