How do you talk to your partner during a row

[HollyFT]

Curious to know what type of language / remarks are normal during a row with a partner.

Do you shout and swear? Call each other names? Is that acceptable? Or are those red flags?

I think this is a bit daft. The thing is that a mentally functioning adult can feel angry or that they might lose their temper without behaving inappropriately and being abusive. It’s not healthy to pretend that anyone who says they aren’t abusive can’t possibly feel negative emotions - it just furthers the idea that abusive behaviour is a natural reaction to any issue.

No. I tried that in the beginning of our relationship mirroring my own parents' marriage and he quite rightly didn't put up with it and called me out on it (teenagers!) I didn't know you could be unhappy with someone and disagree with them without the name calling! That was the start of our relationship 15+ years ago, in those years I can only recall one argument where it got a bit heated and sweary, both very stressed after a difficult time, both apologised afterwards. Apart from that one time we discuss, as much as I'd probably like to let off a little steam sometimes I have to admit, it just wouldn't get us anywhere, DH would completely switch off and not listen.

The worst tactic for me though (apart from physical violence) that I think is torturous and I grew up with it a lot and always swore I wouldn't do it, is the silent treatment. I'm not talking about "we'll discuss it later" with a slightly awkward atmosphere for a short while. I mean completely passive aggressive blanking for hours and days.

Hideous, my mum was the Queen of this and to this day makes my stomach turn if I can feel I've upset her. I'd take the shouting over that any day.

this! 😂😂😂

I argued with my DH last night. We are both really stressed and tired. He got pissed off about something really small and housework related. Made a very snarky comment. He rarely shouts but does love a bit of passive aggression. I am more wear my heart on my sleeve so shouted, swore and stormed off and slammed a door. When I am less tired and stressed I try to moderate my reactions but also have ADHD so find emotional regulation very difficult and am not perfect sadly so don't always manage it. Sometimes I lose my shit. Sometimes he's an arsehole. That's just life. If you are able to control your emotions in all scenarios and under any amounts of stress or difficult circumstances or provocation, hats off to you. Not everyone is that perfect!

Name calling should always be a NO NO imho.
Shouting? Slamming doors? Swearing (starting with what do you call swearing? Because in a site famous for its swearing and saying it straight…. I’m wondering what swearing includes)… it happens.
We’re not all ‘realised beings’ that stay calm and composed in all circumstances.

Most people manage to model the vast majority of that behaviour you are so sarcastic about in a workplace, with colleagues, with bosses, even the ones who are assholes.

If you can manage it for colleagues you barely give a shit about, or even dislike, surely it can be easy for the person you presumably love the most in your life.

No swearing, shouting or name calling. It's very immature, disrespectful and, in all honesty, tacky. I can't imagine how you could go back to normal after a row like this.

@Cheesandcrackers
Don't swear at them. Don't slam doors. Don't threaten to divorce them. Don't attack their personality when you don't like what they are saying. Don't ignore them. Don't tell them that everyone thinks they are wrong/useless. Don't physically intimidate them. Don't tell them some thing and then deny you said it. Simple really.

So what can you do?

Well what do you do with your colleagues, your friends, your family members, uni roommates, strangers in public? Are you able to have any disagreements or confrontation without being aggressive, abusive, or violent? If you are, then simply take those same behaviours and apply them to your relationships at home too.

I have had therapy and now stay calm, allow him to finish and get his point across, then address the point he made. I de escalate at times. I don’t need to “win” but if I am right I won’t undermine myself. Being calm encourages the other person to be calm

@Softoprider I mean would you want to do any of those things? Seems a pretty reasonable checklist on how not to be a dick head to me.

Over 18 years we've had a few proper yelling matches with swears (not name calling though, more out of frustration). But they're very rare. More often, it's clearly stated preferences with an attempt to keep emotion out of it. DH sometimes sulks, and I deal with it by ignoring him until he decides to either discuss properly or work his way into a better mood and the matter dissolves.

My husband calls me names .. walks off sulks etc

I talk calmly / cry but never call names.

Oh.. It seems the joke was on me then @ghyt Or perhaps it went over your head :)

We do not name call. We do not slam doors. but I sometimes stamp my feet. Does that count

No shouting or swearing, we talk at a normal volume about what we're unhappy about or disagree on and try to come to an agreement. It's not always possible, we have very different views on some things but we try to find some common ground.

Is that acceptable? Or are those red flags

Things that are not acceptable for you are red flags for you.

There is no over-arching authority on this. There are no rules, aside from laws. We all have to decide for ourselves what we find acceptable and unacceptable.

@Softoprider sorry I just took it as dismissive sarcasm 🤷‍♀️ I'm a millennial, I need an emoji to show something is a joke