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Original poster

What can I say to get out of my friend/colleagues leaving get together?

39 replies

tiffanyblues · 03/05/2023 07:20

As the title says, my friend at work/colleague is having a leaving party/get together next Saturday and I don't know how to get out of it without looking bad. We have been known as office buddies for years so I know it will look bad if I don't go; I'm not a social person, I don't drink, and I know if I go she'll want me to stay and carry it on in town, or in the next pub and I'll hate it. How do I get out of it? Just saying "I can't I have plans" won't fly, she'll keep asking me what do I have going on, and everyone at work will want to know what's "more important" than my friend leaving.

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 03/05/2023 07:21

Plan to go and then pretend to have a vomiting bug on the day.

Mrsjayy · 03/05/2023 07:23

Go for the meal if there is 1 then say I'm just going to head home have a great night. Or say I'm not feeling great .

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 03/05/2023 07:27

You really don't owe her (or anyone) your time OP. I realised this about a year ago and it's changed my life. Weekends are family days/days for doing what I want for me and I'll only really change that in extreme circumstances.

Just tell her 'sorry, that activity isn't really my kind of thing, I hope you have a lovely time though! Here's some flowers/other gift, I've loved working with you!!' And leave it at that. She can still go and enjoy herself and if you really wanted you could pop for one drink.

Alternatively you could make everyone feel awkward by saying 'sorry I'm a recovering alcoholic so being around alcohol is difficult for me'.

In all seriousness I hate being around alcohol/drunkeness and we need to make that okay.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/05/2023 07:28

Illness on the day.

BeerBot · 03/05/2023 07:30

Covid?
Or babysitter can only stay until 10?
Poorly dog you can't leave for too long?
Having family member staying that weekend so can't be out for long?

Arginalia · 03/05/2023 07:38

I really think you would be better being honest and saying the event really isn't your cup of tea. If she discovers you've lied to get out of it, or you drop out on the day due to 'illness' that's going to be far more hurtful than saying at the outset 'it's not you, it's the type of event'.

Perhaps you could suggest something you could do just the two of you to mark her leaving - go out for lunch together, for example.

GoodVibesHere · 03/05/2023 07:40

You tell her you're sorry but it's just not your cup of tea. You 'soften the blow' by adding 'I'd love to take you for a coffee and cake together, what day is good for you?'

Tabootle · 03/05/2023 07:42

GoodVibesHere · 03/05/2023 07:40

You tell her you're sorry but it's just not your cup of tea. You 'soften the blow' by adding 'I'd love to take you for a coffee and cake together, what day is good for you?'

Yes just say this, it's truthful and also thoughtful. Lying or making up an excuse just creates bad feeling all round and you risk ruining the friendship if she finds out. This way if she's a mate she will understand and will appreciate the gesture of coffee and cake to say bye and shows you not enjoying that sort of thing is the actual reason and not just as you dislike her.

AssertiveGertrude · 03/05/2023 07:44

saying it’s not your scene and offering an alternative sounds really nice and honest - I’d like to treat you to a coffee or bite to eat or something as said above and making a concrete plan wouldn’t soften it

Gymmum82 · 03/05/2023 07:47

say you’re going then fake a vomiting bug on the day. Or alternatively say your husband won’t let you go/can’t get childcare. I get used as this excuse all the time by mine. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m this controlling wife who won’t let him go out but the reality is he doesn’t want to. So just blames me

Arginalia · 03/05/2023 07:51

say you’re going then fake a vomiting bug on the day.

Don't do this. In my experience you get loads of people who drop out of these things on the day anyway, so there's hardly anyone there in the end which is horrible - planning for 20 people and ending up with 3 - don't add to this problem. If you must make an excuse rather than being honest, give as much notice as you can.

JeanieJo · 03/05/2023 07:59

It seems cowardly and unkind to drop out on the day. If you know only a small group are coming you can plan for it but it's horrible to be waiting for more and then have lots of no-shows.

I would tell her straight that you'd rather not go for the whole evening. What about going with her for the very beginning and having one drink with her while others arrive, and then make an exit once the group has filled up? That way you have made the effort to be there in person but don't have to deal with drinking, a raucous group, or a whole evening of socialising.

AssertiveGertrude · 03/05/2023 08:02

I’m wondering maybe if you pull her aside and tell her you will go to the first part of it but you can’t stay (for xyz) reasons since you have worked together for so long ?? How would she take that ? If she starts saying you’ll have to stay on or go to a pub you just slip off .. she will know

Whochangedmynamec · 03/05/2023 08:36

Why on earth wouldn’t you go along, show your dace, say goodbye properly and leave after a drink.

Being sociable doesn’t hurt. You might even enjoy it. Have a soda if you don’t like alcohol.

Octonaut4Life · 03/05/2023 08:53

If this person is actually your friend can you not just put up with doing something you don't particularly enjoy for a few hours to make them happy? Honestly you seem like a pretty rubbish friend. If she wants you at her leaving party then just go. Literally the worst that can happen is you spend a few hours not having fun... It's really not a big deal

rainbowstardrops · 03/05/2023 09:13

I think it would seem a bit mean to not go but I appreciate you don't like that sort of thing.
Don't lie or drop out on the day. Just be honest and either say you'll come for the first bit but then you'll need to head off, or say that you'd like to make it a bit more personal as you've worked together for so long and suggest a nice pub lunch together, or coffee and cake or something.

WandaWonder · 03/05/2023 09:16

I have a 2 drink rule, even if I am soft drinks

As in I go after 2 drinks

PangoPurrl · 03/05/2023 09:26

Ignore the arseholes saying you're a bad friend/ to 'just' go as it won't hurt you. They're the ones that are bad friends as they have no empathy for those of us that genuinely aren't able to enjoy, or even tolerate being out in noisy/crowded environments.
I would definitely offer to meet up separately if it's important to you and her that you mark her leaving somehow. If your colleague isn't able to understand that you care about her but can't cope with a big night out, then that's on her.

TheDogsArse · 03/05/2023 09:31

You should just be honest, if she keeps pushing you then she’s not a friend so not worth worrying about.

But if you feel you have to have more of a reason then say illness on the day, or that you’ve already agreed to help your mum/sister/friend or whoever with something.

You’re allowed to do and not do whatever you like. 💐

PizzaPastaWine · 03/05/2023 09:38

If she's a friend then go show your face.

If she's a colleague then say it's really not your thing.

Either way I wouldn't lie - there is no need to.

joycies · 03/05/2023 22:59

Just about what something someone else said. Spend a lot of time dashing to the loo during the day then say thr magic words 'gastro-enteritis=/ Nobody can check. right?

SunflowerTed · 04/05/2023 03:33

Whochangedmynamec · 03/05/2023 08:36

Why on earth wouldn’t you go along, show your dace, say goodbye properly and leave after a drink.

Being sociable doesn’t hurt. You might even enjoy it. Have a soda if you don’t like alcohol.

This

DriedFlowersLiveForever · 04/05/2023 06:19

Just go for a few hours, yes it does look bad if you can't/won't show your face at your friends leaving do.

ohfibonacci · 04/05/2023 06:33

Just go for a short while. It’s not just about you here. It’s about making her feel valued. Grit your teeth. You can make up an excuse as to why you can’t stay for long.

Susieb2023 · 04/05/2023 06:33

I would show, how mean when she thinks you’re her friend to not give her a couple of hours of your time? Don’t be that person who lies to her about a ‘stomach’ bug. Be honest or give up a couple of hours of your weekend to say goodbye to someone who has clearly been a good work colleague to you!

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