Page 2 | What can I say to get out of my friend/colleagues leaving get together?

tiffanyblues · 2023-05-03T06:20:07+00:00

As the title says, my friend at work/colleague is having a leaving party/get together next Saturday and I don't know how to get out of it without looking bad. We have been known as office buddies for years so I know it will look bad if I don't go; I'm not a social person, I don't drink, and I know if I go she'll want me to stay and carry it on in town, or in the next pub and I'll hate it. How do I get out of it? Just saying "I can't I have plans" won't fly, she'll keep asking me what do I have going on, and everyone at work will want to know what's "more important" than my friend leaving.

Poppins2016 · 04/05/2023 06:53

Arginalia · 03/05/2023 07:51

say you’re going then fake a vomiting bug on the day.

Don't do this. In my experience you get loads of people who drop out of these things on the day anyway, so there's hardly anyone there in the end which is horrible - planning for 20 people and ending up with 3 - don't add to this problem. If you must make an excuse rather than being honest, give as much notice as you can.

Absolutely. Better to set expectations re attendance/numbers beforehand than for people to say they're coming and then bail out (usually with flaky excuses which people can see right through) leading to more disappointment/hurt than a simple 'I can't attend" would have done in the first place.

I've been there, done that... At my last work leaving do under half of the people who had RSVP'd 'yes' turned up. If I'd have known in advance, I would have changed the date or suggested an alternative (lunch rather than evening drinks) rather than going ahead. It changed the feeling of the event, so people left much earlier than usual and I had to put a brave face on it, because although I had a lovely time with the people who turned up, it was disappointing (particularly due to the flaky excuses from people who I would have expected better from), especially when you add in the factor of people asking me where 'so and so' is and me having to respond 'breezily' that they couldn't make it while they expressed their surprise...

Poppins2016 · 04/05/2023 06:57

GoodVibesHere · 03/05/2023 07:40

You tell her you're sorry but it's just not your cup of tea. You 'soften the blow' by adding 'I'd love to take you for a coffee and cake together, what day is good for you?'

This is a good suggestion.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 04/05/2023 06:57

Just go for the meal, I do this now as I hate work 'things' so tend just to drive and then leave once the drinking starts

You could arrange to meet her one lunchtime for a cuppa to catch up if you want to suggest something rather than simply say no.

I think saying I'd love to come for the meal but I don't drink so will leave you after the meal is fine and doesn't look bad

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 04/05/2023 06:58

Buy her a bunch of flowers a couple of days before at work and just tell her you don’t do pubs, nothing personal but you never do. This will only work if you don’t ever go to pubs.

Everyone will see the flowers and know you do care that she’s leaving if you are worried about what they think.

Arginalia · 04/05/2023 07:04

the factor of people asking me where 'so and so' is and me having to respond 'breezily' that they couldn't make it while they expressed their surprise...

Yes, that's a horrible feeling. Having to pretend you don't care.

AlyssumandHelianthus · 04/05/2023 07:04

I don't understand why you wouldn't put yourself out for a couple of hours to say goodbye to a good friend?
I'd be really hurt if it was me and someone I thought was a good mate didn't come to my leaving do because 'its not my sort of thing'. Unless I knew you were autistic or had some kind of serious issue it would seem like you didn't value our friendship at all.

ShoesoftheWorld · 04/05/2023 07:05

ohfibonacci · 04/05/2023 06:33

Just go for a short while. It’s not just about you here. It’s about making her feel valued. Grit your teeth. You can make up an excuse as to why you can’t stay for long.

Agree with this. If we value people, we sometimes need to do things we don't really enjoy for them. It's part of living in a society. I'm sure people have done things they don't enjoy for you. It seems churlish to not want to attend at all, and tbh if I were her I'd be hurt, incl at the 'honest' 'it isn't really my thing' excuses people mare recommending on here - I'd think, well, so are all sorts of things not mine, but I spare an hour for them if the people matter to me.

Go at the beginning, buy her a drink, have dinner if it's that sort of thing, and then leave at a reasonable time with a cheery 'up early tomorrow [nobody's business what for], have a fun night!' Then send her a message afterwards saying you'll miss her at work and would love to meet up for a coffee now and again. Job done.

MichaelAndEagle · 04/05/2023 07:28

ShoesoftheWorld · 04/05/2023 07:05

Agree with this. If we value people, we sometimes need to do things we don't really enjoy for them. It's part of living in a society. I'm sure people have done things they don't enjoy for you. It seems churlish to not want to attend at all, and tbh if I were her I'd be hurt, incl at the 'honest' 'it isn't really my thing' excuses people mare recommending on here - I'd think, well, so are all sorts of things not mine, but I spare an hour for them if the people matter to me.

Go at the beginning, buy her a drink, have dinner if it's that sort of thing, and then leave at a reasonable time with a cheery 'up early tomorrow [nobody's business what for], have a fun night!' Then send her a message afterwards saying you'll miss her at work and would love to meet up for a coffee now and again. Job done.

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Exactly.

Timeforchangeithink · 04/05/2023 07:47

If you don't want to go then don't go. If she's a friend she'll understand how your reasons. Don't lie or make up illness's.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 04/05/2023 07:57

Allelbowsandtoes · 03/05/2023 07:21

Plan to go and then pretend to have a vomiting bug on the day.

This one. My go-to is a migraine

Mamabear48 · 04/05/2023 14:43

Just say you feel I’ll on the day or if you have kids the babysitter has cancelled due to illness..

GeekInWoods · 04/05/2023 16:30

Not going, regardless of the reason, will look bad and more than likely damage your friendship. It will also impact how your other colleagues see you.

If she's your friend, she'll understand is nonsense. What you're signalling is that you don't value her enough to allow yourself to be temporarily inconvenienced or to step outside your comfort zone. Sure, she'll probably be polite and say it's no problem but don't kid yourself.

If you want to maintain your friendship, just go and leave early. Who cares if she tries to keep you out. At that point it's about being firm in your boundaries.

Daisypod · 07/05/2023 17:59

If you really can't go for an hour for the sake of your friend then you are not really a friend. Better to let her down now so she knows how you really feel about her and she can enjoy her night with people who actually like her.

LolaSmiles · 07/05/2023 18:02

Go at the beginning, buy her a drink, have dinner if it's that sort of thing, and then leave at a reasonable time with a cheery 'up early tomorrow [nobody's business what for], have a fun night!' Then send her a message afterwards saying you'll miss her at work and would love to meet up for a coffee now and again. Job done.
Agree with this.