Domestic Sexual abuse

[bunglesmum12]

I’m pretty sure my husband is sexually abusing me :( There’s no intimacy at all between us. No kissing, no affection, he just wants to turn me over and effectively he masterbates using my vagina. If I say “no” he gets angry and then gives me the silent treatment. Sometimes he waits until I’m asleep and I wake up and he’s inside me. He’s become quite aggressive during sex and there’s lots of grabbing, holding down, forcing and smacking - I hate it so much. He holds my head into the pillow and I just cry. I haven’t discussed with anyone else, I just can’t believe it’s happening to me and I’m not sure what to do about it. Just to add that he never used to be like this, he used to be really loving caring and affectionate and we used to have a great sex life. My husband has been drinking every day for the last three years and he has got progressively worse and more aggressive sexually as time goes on. If he has rum in the evening he becomes ‘rapey’. But also he struggles to maintain an erection so sometimes these episodes go on for two hours, sometimes more. This is pretty much a daily occurrence. I try to avoid bedtime at the same time as him if he has had a lot to drink as I know I could be in for a bit of a rough night so I go to bed wearing my “anti rape” nightwear. I wear my underwear,
with cycling shorts over them and a swimming costume over the top (so he can’t get his hands or penis in) and then an additional T-shirt over the top. I know this sounds crazy but I have had some really horrible experiences. It’s like he turns into a different person at night, Jekyll and Hyde, sexual predator. I have tried to bring it up in the day but he won’t listen. I just don’t know what to do about it. If anyone had any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :(

Oh my god, you poor love, this is truly fucking despicable, how dare he.
You absolutely need to leave him immediately and go to the police - I can’t imagine how hard taking that step must feel but he is pure evil and you don’t deserve a second more of his abuse. Please - reach out to us and find a safe place.
Have you got children? Where are you - roughly? Maybe we can help point you to a safe space ?
My heart aches for you.
His behaviour is abominable, if you were to react against him and leave the room, would he become more aggressive and violent towards you? Please reach out for help, this is rape and it doesn’t matter that he’s your husband, no means no. Always. No matter what. ❤️‍🩹

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

I’m so,so sorry, you are being sexually abused, you’re being raped. You have been so brave to discuss your situation here, you have taken the first step. You know that his behaviour is not normal, it’s not right, and he isn’t entitled to do this to your body.

Please stay brave, do you have a friend or family member with whom you can confide. Please look at the link posted by @Justholdingmybreath . You need to get away to safety.

You do not deserve this. This is not your fault. Please don’t allow any doubts to creep in. Being raped repeatedly by a drunk man is no way to live. You deserve freedom and respect, not this.

Big hugs, please stay brave, your future is so much better xxxx

OP this is absolutely terrible. Please contact Women’s aid to get help to leave. This is rape 100%, makes no difference that you’re his wife. You poor thing, I feel really sad reading this and can’t believe you’re having to put up with this night after night. He clearly needs help but I wouldn’t be suggesting that you help him get that. You need to get out of there as soon as you can

Hey @bunglesmum12 - I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I was r*ped a few years ago while I was in uni & I’ve never recovered. I have not had sex since as I am terrified as to what could happen. So for this to happen with your husband regularly makes me feel sick with worry for you.

You have to get help and get out as soon as you can.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are ok xxxx

He isn’t a different person at night or after a drink. This is who he is. If he was like this all the time you would have left long ago. This is hard to get your head around but it’s important that you realise this.

This won’t get better, he may pause sometimes, but you can expect this to get worse.

Is there anyone in real life you might tell? x

An excerpt from The Freedom Programme

‘Perpetrators tell us and we believe, that the violence was caused by drink, stress, unemployment, overwork, low self-esteem or insecurity. Many of the professionals we meet also accept these explanations. The reality is that these are all excuses. They may have been drunk when they hit us but they didn’t usually hit anyone else. Being insecure doesn’t make people violent. Why should it?
The real reason for their violence and abuse is the desire to keep women under control. They do not need to use violence every day.’

You're not going to reason with him and he's not going to change. You absolutely must get yourself to safety and leave him.

Do you have friends or family that you could go to? If not, then please seek professional help.

Hi bunglesmum12,

We're so sorry for what you're going through. We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters already, but we think our Relationships topic is probably a better place for your thread so we're going to move it over.

We're also adding another link to our domestic violence support page - here - it lists lots of organisations which can give you some support in real life.

Other posters have mentioned Women's Aid, so we're also adding a link to their webpage - Women's Aid - information and support. We know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past so please take a look at their website and in particular their page entitled Am I in an abusive relationship?

And finally, here's a link to the Rape Crisis website - they have a helpline that's open 24 hours a day, every day - 0808 500 2222. If you don't feel able to talk about what happened, they also have an online chat service - here's the link.

Do keep talking here, OP. We hope you're okay.

Hi, thank you so much everyone! I’m fine, I’m really good at blocking things out and distracting myself at work in the day but I have noticed recently the flashbacks starting to creep into my head in the day more so I do need to go and seek some help. I guess I just can’t believe what’s happening to me so I try my hardest not to think about it and carry on as normal and pretend it’s not happening. Really appreciate everyone’s advice and I’m away this weekend with a friend so I am considering telling her and I will look into all the amazing advice and info given this evening. Hope you all have a fab day :)

Oh OP, this is such a sad post, please tell your friend and begin to take steps to leave this horrific situation.

Op I've been you, the putting on more clothes to go to bed, not turning my back on him, not having a shower when he was in the house.
It escalates slowly and by the end I was questioning if I was the problem.

7 years ago I left, yes it's been hard at times, but a million times better than staying.

Please tell your friend this weekend, it will be hard I know, but once you've told one person it gets easier I promise. Reach out to refuge or women's aid they were so helpful to me, talked through my options, put me in touch with a support worker and solicitor who helped me with a non molestation and residence order.

This isn't your fault and you deserve so much more xx