How do you feel happy as a single mum?

[Twitchett22]

I split from my children’s dad 2 years ago, we were together for 11 years and he cheated on me the whole time. I eventually had the courage to leave and reconnected with an ex from a long time ago. He had always been ‘the one that got away’ and the love I feel for him is above any other man I’ve ever known.

Long story short he is an alcoholic, and our relationship was not good for my children so I had to leave. It has broken me. I know it’s the right thing for me and my children but I feel angry at him for letting us down, and scared that I had my whole life planned out with him and now I’m on my own. I have written a list of the reasons I shouldn’t be with him but I find myself bursting out crying randomly at the good memories.

Im terrified at the thought of starting again. Having to get to know someone from scratch, having sex with someone new, being let down again.

I guess this post is just looking for a bit of a hand hold or some positive stories of single mums finding their happy ever after. I just keep thinking who would want to take me on with 2 kids aswell.

I’ve made peace with being single now until the kids leave home. I was in a relationship for awhile but it got too complicated / he wanted more time than I have available as I wasn’t ready to introduce him to the kids.

I left my alcoholic ex husband when the DCs were primary school aged. It was the right thing to do, for me and for them, and I've never once regretted it.

I enjoyed being single. I enjoyed not worrying about what he was doing, what mood he'd be in, not having to monitor drinking or coming across empty bottles. I enjoyed not having social occasions ruined by him cancelling last minute or turning up drunk. I loved being able to focus on the DCs.

I met someone else through work a few years later and remarried a long time ago. It's so different this time around. We're so happy. The DCs (all adults now) are happy. There is hope of another, happier, relationship. But being single is a million times better than living with an addict.

I'm happy because I've made the choice not to date until my DC is an adult. Making that choice frees up so much headspace and time. My life is full of things that make me happy, playing with my DC, swimming, gardening, my career and occasionally having friends over for a good gossip, takeaway and wine once DC is in bed.

Yes, I miss sex. But am I willing to go through the rigmarole of searching for strings free sex with a someone who isn't a dangerous disease-ridden arsehole? Nope.

You need to learn to be happy alone before you can even consider looking for another relationship. Spend time with friends, find hobbies etc. I'm a lone parent of 3 and its taken me years to finally find true peace with being alone. And trust me, men will want you with 2 kids. Especially when you know you don't need a man to be happy, that kind of self confidence is attractive.

do you even have to meet someone else? you might think you have to for whatever reasons but you really don't.

I've been single for 10 years after an horrific divorce from a prolific cheat of a husband which left me with PTSD. Because my son is autistic, I decided I didn't trust my own judgement enough to choose a decent person. I have had some dates, I had a FWB relationship that lasted almost 6 years but that was kept well away from my children. My eldest has now left home but I'm approaching mid 50's and son is only just 12 so I'm not in a position to find a new relationship really.

I've made peace with it all. I'm perfectly happy, I can't imagine ever living with somebody again and I don't think I would ever be able to trust anyone anyway so it's probably safer for my son and I. He needs continuity and a lot of care so I concentrate on that. I think you have to learn to love yourself and be confident and independent before you can include somebody else. I'm sure it will happen for you but build yourself up first.

I've been a single parent for 18 years, because around 15 years ago I decided to give up dating as a bad job. It really isn't the end of the world not to be in a relationship and in fact, for me, it was my "happy ever after". I love the life I've created from what was an absolute shit show.
You've had the strength to walk away from a situation you thought was going to be your future after what happened with your marriage, so it's understandable that you're feeling quite vulnerable and scared about moving on. The best advice I can give is to take things one day at a time, be kind to yourself whilst you heal from the last few years and don't worry about what will be. Focus all your energies on yourself and your kids and who knows, you might find your happy ever after in there, too.

I was a single woman with older children , my advice is love yourself, enjoy the "you time" when your children are in bed.

Watch what you want on tv once children are in bed.
Get a baby sitter once/twice a month, see friends, get out and enjoy yourself.
Treat yourself to flowers, a bath and scented candles.

Once you feel comfortable in your own skin, venture out.

You don't owe any man anything, if you are out of your comfort zone .... leave the situation.

Good luck

For starters let go of the happily ever after idea. If you are convinced you can't be happy without someone else I think that's a route to always settling for someone less than ideal, and chances are they will be "better than" your ex but fuck me the bar is low there isn't it.

It was hard at the beginning but 10 yrs on I'm settled within myself and I think that's the key - find joy in your children and happiness within yourself. Cultivate good friendships and let go of the idea that you've failed if you don't have a man.

You did the right thing leaving him, and it sounds like you aren't at peace with it yet. Start there. Don't bring anyone into your children's life until you're sure you won't be trying to replace the fantasy happily ever after you were never going to get.

Above all, please try to be kind to yourself, even just a little bit. I know it's easier said than done, but you've made an amazing choice for your children and it's not to be underestimated.

I struggle to identify with these posts, I absolutely love being a single mum, my bond with my kids is just beyond words. I can parent them as I see fit and just feel such immense pride in their accomplishments and pride in the fact that I am raising amazing humans. I honestly feel lucky and grateful every day. We are content. I couldn’t really ask for much more x

I have to say that what really struck me about your post was how much you equated ‘happiness’ with being in a relationship.

you only split up with your exH 2 years ago and you’ve already had an incredibly involved, intense relationship. That seems very fast to me.

i think you need to separate the idea of being with someone with being happy.

being a single mum is fantastic- you have lots of free time because your kids’ father will actually have to allocate time to look after them. There was a recent study that showed single mums have more free time and hobbies than married ones.

you have complete freedom to parent as you see fit and don’t have the burden of caring for a manchild

Ive found far greater happiness building on my network of great family and friends.

don’t get me wrong- I’m a sucker for romance, but let’s face it, it’s amazing for a year or two before the reality bites!

Give blokes a break for a bit- few are actually worth the hassle.

100% agree @Colourmylifewith . We have hit the jackpot imo! 😄

100% agree with this!

I have always been very happy on my own as a single mum, noone to answer to, noone to compromise with, no one to even notice if I dont bother to wash up until morning, my decision is final every time, holidays, schools, etc, all up to me. No in-laws to negotiate, to finances to combine, no fights over the remote control, nothing like that, it is all up to me - it is a wonderful life

cross posted with @Colourmylifewith @Flyingsparks @TheFormidableMrsC

yes, exactly - we hit the jackpot!

Unless someone wonderful strolls into my life, I'm perfectly happy being single.

I have a beautiful ds and a job I like
A nice home
No ghastly bullying in-laws
No need to cook huge complicated meals
No drunkenness in front of my ds
No Jeremy Clarkson
No endless football, rugby, cricket
No filthy bathroom
No financing a new BMW every three years

No keeping up with the Jones
No walking on eggshells

We can relax. Life has its compensations 😊

My husband moved out over 5 yrs ago. We're still not divorced sadly. )

I've been absolutely FINE on my own. No inclination at all. But the past few months, I have started thinking I'd like to have someone to share stuff with, talk to. Ask hiw my day was.

Fuck knows how to find someone though. And I can't ever imagine living with anyone. And I have dc 24/7 (minus 9 hours....)

Absolutely! It’s nice to hear others feel the same, it’s a hard to describe deep rooted contentment that I could honestly have never imagined! Jack pot is the perfect description! I hope the OP gets to this point 💕

Single mum here, been on my own for 9 yrs with one DS who was 4 when we split. So, I’ve spent time on and off online dating over the years, I used to treat it as a bit of fun really and a chance to go out (thanks to babysitters) I ended up having a couple of relationships with decent men (I was very choosy), and one of my exes I’ve stayed good friends with. The whole going out dating thing, having dinner, having sex (well away from my DS obviously!) was my time to be an adult, and to feel like I had a life away from my child. Not for everyone I know, but it was important to me. It wasn’t about having a man around per se, as I’m very independent, but more the social and sexual side, and the feeling that someone cared for me, was interested in my thoughts and feelings as a person, not as a mum. I was single for three years after that, which I enjoyed too, but I knew I’d ultimately like to have a potential partner in my life so I persevered with online dating and have now been seeing someone great for about seven months. He’s recently met my son and it all seems to be going well. I don’t need him, but it’s enjoyable and (in my view) makes life feel fuller and more interesting.

Btw I agree there’s no happy ever after, at least not necessarily in the way you might at first expect when you come out of a marriage. You grow, over time, and experiences shape you. What you might first want isn’t necessarily the place you want to end up, if that makes sense!
oh, and don’t worry about having kids. Plenty of nice single dads out there who want to meet a woman who’s had kids, who ‘gets’ the enormity of parenthood.

This is such great advice.

But seriously Raise Your Bar. Surely the bare minimum is that you won’t waste a second of your kids’ childhood making it worse by having an alcoholic near you. Don’t set that sort of example of being acceptable to your kids.

Get to the point where you can reject dross immediately.

Me too

I love the calm of our household. The house just feels good - relaxed and happy. The dcs like being at home. I balance working and being home for them. We all have good social lives and our own interests.

I do have a dp but we've never lived together and that will be the case by circumstance until the dcs are adults. We have had loads of fantastic weekends and holidays both with and without the dcs. He doesn't have dcs which makes life more straightforward. We never considered having any together.

In the main, it's been a lot easier than I'd have imagined, mainly because we're all pretty chilled out and we are also privileged to have a decent income coming in, which gives us a secure home, good food and the opportunity to have adventures.

It's not what I'd have chosen and I do sometimes feel grief for the family unit we never had, but we're all ok.

I completely agree with all of you. I’m very happy with being a single mum in terms of living on my own, parenting on my own, managing my own finances etc I’m very much sorted on that level. I think my issue is I’ve never really been on my own. I was with DCs father since I was 18 and then quickly moved onto the alcoholic (the relationship was dead for years so although we had only just split it didn’t feel like I was moving on quickly emotionally).
So now I’ve just found myself completely on my own. DCs are only young so I’m not ready to say I don’t want a relationship until they’re grown, but it will take me a very long time with someone before they are aware of it again. It’s more just having someone to text, talk about your day with, sound off to etc that I’m already missing.
You’re also right saying I’ve not made peace with breaking up with the alcoholic yet. I haven’t. I so desperately wish I could wave a wand and he didn’t have these issues but that’s not going to happen. And he is not setting the bar, I’m fully aware I’m worth more. I see children at work so negatively affected by alcoholism and there’s no way I’ll be risking that for my children.
I guess I was just posting for people to tell me it definitely gets better and I won’t always be in love with an arsehole 😅