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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever acceptable for a mother to leave the children when separating

70 replies

yellowmellow · 17/02/2008 16:16

I have posted here just recently about my situation, dh and i separating after several years of barren marriage because I met someone else. We have two ds 15 and 12. The situation is that our marriage is over and I don't want to be with dh in future, I would have left before but stayed for boys. I don't want to live with this new person for all sorts of reasons and I would set up home by myself I do work and could get a house and would want the boys to come with me but dh wants them to stay in family home which he would keep and is the only home the boys have ever known. Problem is ds1 is completely devastated at the split, he has had a really stable and happy upbringing and sees me leaving as the end of the world. Both DS and DH know about new partner and are all equally devastated about it. DH suggested I stay in the family home for next few years, living separately (i have moved into spare room) and keep the family together and to enable him to keep his job which he values. He says he would have to give it up if i left, to look after boys. My dilemma is this - with work and being at home all weekends, I have always looked after the home and family 24/7 I would never see my new partner - and DS1 and DH have made it clear I can't see new partner while living at home.

So what do I do - I don't want to leave boys and would gladly take them with me but I think everyone is agreed it is best for them to stay with their father but I can see my life becoming a half life like this - has anyone had a similar situation?

OP posts:

alfiesbabe · 17/02/2008 18:30

Good post Zippi - clear proof that the right way is one which puts the kids first

ZippiBabes · 17/02/2008 18:36

i had an extremely bitter divorce with my exh but we agreed the stuff between us and in fact we both sacked our solicitors cos they made matters worst and we never went to court over custody or anything tho he did threaten to because he was hurt and thought he could say i was a nutter but he got over that and we put the children first

and things changed from time to time as the children had their own views

even if you go to court then the court take the childrens views int o account and over twelve they more or less leave it up to them

if neither of you are planning to leave the locality then moving house is not a particularly traumatic thing so to sya the house has to be kept is nonsense...splitting up means changes

but it can work if you approach it with the childrens interests in mind but dont totally sublimate your own

the suggestion that you stick it out until the youngest is 18 is just mad to me

Remotew · 17/02/2008 18:38

Agree with the recent posters. Find somewhere near to rent then you can co parent the children. You will still have a share of the marital home, to sort out later.
I think the OP felt that she should be the one to move out anyway and if her H wants to stay put then she will have to do that to keep some level of amicability. Its just a shame the situation with the marriage drifted for so long.

I also understand that it is illegal to change the locks on your home to prevent a resident gaining entry as you are making someone homeless and everyone has rights to their own home.

ZippiBabes · 17/02/2008 18:46

i also left all the household stuff et etc in the house as he kept that house for a year or two

you don't have to leave but i wanted to live with someone else so wasn't going to be trying to stay

i sure as heck wouldn't have been dictated too i'd already 23 years of that

but i did sacrificie one hell of a lot to get out of that relationship

and i have a good relationship with my children

and in fact i have just recently had support from my exh

so it is not necessarily all bad

sandyballs · 17/02/2008 19:57

For a child, even a teenage child, being left by a mother is a devastating thing, more so than a father, generally, although I know situations vary enormously.

My SIL left her four boys (aged 6-14) for my brother and they were completely devastated, still so 3 years on. I do think she put her own happiness before her childrens. I started a thread on this at the time.

Sorry, i know this isn't what you want to hear, but it has touched a nerve, seeing what those kids have gone through and are still going through. you've lived like this for some time, can you not carry on just a bit longer until your boys have left home, or at least matured a little bit more? You're relationship with them may be damaged forever by this. I agree with your son that you are leaving him as well as his dad, you can't be a proper part of their lives if you don't live with them.

babbi · 17/02/2008 21:30

Totally agree with Sandyballs.

My Stepkids were left by their Mother at exactly the same age that yours are. I came along later and DH and I worked our a**es off to make things as best possible.
They are now young adults and will never forgive her for going at such a vulnerable age. Both have told her to put them first for even a few more years really would have made such a difference to them.
Problem is when you go off to start a new relationship , whether you realise it or not your attentions are elsewhere when they need you.
They talk to their mother now but really feel that she was not there when they needed her.
They also stayed in the family home as they were happy and felt that if she wanted to go fine but no way were they being uprooted.
Please think really carefully about what you do ..........

As for Sandyballs "you can't be a proper part of their lives if you don't live with them "
Both mine totally believe that - she missed out on so much and those years will never be returned to her .......... It is me who knows all theirs friends and stuff ..........

Sorry if this is all negative but I really do feel the "shared care theory" that a lot of people talk about is far from reality .........

I wish you all the best with your decision ... I am sure it is not easy and if it is wrong there may be no way back..

My DHs ex - ie stepkids mother recently told me that it was the worst mistake of her life ... the guy she left for is long gone..... and her relationship with her kids didnt recover .... all for nothing really ...

Take care .. only you really know how it is for you day to day xx

babbi · 17/02/2008 21:42

Sorry , just re read OP , my Stepkids were 11 and 13 at time of split .
Also one more point - DH ex wife took it really badly when Dh met me 18 months later and I moved in and effectively brought up her children.
Said that it had never occurred to her that Dh would meet someone else (can`t think why - he is a wonderful man)....
She said that by far that was the most painful thing of all - watching someone else living with and loving her kids.

Sorry if that is not a nice thought ... but she had not realised that possibility ... thought it worthy of your consideration.....

RahRahRachel · 17/02/2008 21:45

Can I just say that my mum left my dad when me and my siblings were aged 8-12 - she moved out into a rented place near by and we stayed in family home with my dad. Of course it was tough at the time but my parents did their best to make it amicable and I still saw my mum all the time. We all survived the experience undamaged and I still have a great relationship with both parents.

ZippiBabes · 17/02/2008 21:46

when i spoke about shared care i was speaking from personal experience and it did work for me and the children and for my exh

so saying it is far from reality i am not sure what you mean

littlegreyrabbit · 17/02/2008 21:55

Agree - nothing to do with who is in the wrong here or who 'deserves' anything.

Will your boys be better off living with you (in the family home if that is easiest) or living with their father?

If living with you is best for them then you and dh need to sort out how that happens. If that means dh moves out sobeit. If cost makes this impossible you sell and both buy something smaller.

You do not lose the right to be main carer of your children just because you are the one who wants to end the marriage.

babbi · 17/02/2008 22:01

Zippibabes - Glad it worked for you and really wish it could have worked for my Skids , in their case legally there was joint custody but the reality in their situation was that DH and I had all the care - Skids wouldnt go to stay at their mothers by their choice. I suppose everyone - even kids- react differently to situations - ours took it really badly and didnt build bridges.

THOUGH on reflection after the split she was quite bad at letting them down and refused to even talk to SS for 3 years as her new boyfriend didnt like him ... additional factors like this really didnt help .

Sorry if you felt I was being critical - not at all - I truly know how hard all this can be ...

More importantly hope OP should she choose to go - can "do it your way " - better for all concerned

dittany · 17/02/2008 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alfiesbabe · 17/02/2008 22:17

Sounds like the kids want to stay in the family home with their dad. Their wishes should come first.

cory · 17/02/2008 22:35

Your children are quite old enough for their views to be given priority. Whatever has gone wrong in this marriage, it is not their fault and their needs do need to come first.

You and your soon-to-be-ex need to sit them down and explain calmly that you are divorcing and there are a number of possible options, including shared care. Explain how the practicalities of the different options would work, so they have a reasonable chance of understanding what they are choosing between. Make it perfectly clear that noone is abandoning them, that both their Mum and their Dad still love them just as much, and they will still have both their Mum and their Dad, though day-to-day life will have to be arranged differently.

If you think you can't go through with this on your own, get the help of a mediator.

I have known shared care agreements to work very well. In some countries, such as Sweden, this would the normal arrangement for divorced parents, because both parents are thought to be equally important for a child's development (unless of course one of them had some serious fault). I have certainly known children who would have been just as devastated by losing their father as by losing their mother.

Don't let yourself be bullied into staying in a loveless relationship. But do, do, do try to negotiate.

SlartyBartFast · 17/02/2008 22:59

can't you sell the house and split the difference?
isnt that what people do?

ZippiBabes · 17/02/2008 23:08

if you live near each other then children have rooms in both houses and can walk from one to the other so you can have flexible arrangements where they can come in and out

if your exh was happy for you to both live in the same house then it seems unlikely he is going to be unwilling to negotiate a sensible compromise

if you both find it hard then a professional mediator will help

but i found an informal arrangement worked..there isn't much point making an issue of it when it can be negotiated

given the full facts and the practicalities your children should come to a better understanding

although it is important for them to be a priority it is up to you to make the decisions tog ether with your h considering their input

they will probably come round to the idea of shared care once they understand it and it is very likely they have friends doing the same thing

Jojay · 17/02/2008 23:09

I don't know many details, but my friends' husband's mother left the family home when he was 15.

He's 37 now, still screwed up by it, and has hardly any relationship with his Mum.

I'm sure you know this already but tread VERY carefully. The decisions you make now could haunt you for ever.

Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but I think it's true.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. It sounds a hellish situation.

dittany · 17/02/2008 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alfiesbabe · 17/02/2008 23:18

The father clearly wants to keep the marriage going and keep his children. The marriage may be over, but they're still his kids. And if the ds wants to stay in the family home with his dad, then of course he should be allowed to!

Wisteria · 18/02/2008 09:31

Would just like to reiterate everything Zippi says - it has worked for us for years now and as adults you have to take the mature attitude that there are always 2 people in a marriage and you both have to take equal responsibility for what went wrong and to put the children first now, irrespective of what has happened between you in the past.

There is little point in apportioning blame - what's done is done and the best thing for the children is to move forwards from here, putting their needs well and truly first.

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