Is it ever acceptable for a mother to leave the children when separating

[yellowmellow]

I have posted here just recently about my situation, dh and i separating after several years of barren marriage because I met someone else. We have two ds 15 and 12. The situation is that our marriage is over and I don't want to be with dh in future, I would have left before but stayed for boys. I don't want to live with this new person for all sorts of reasons and I would set up home by myself I do work and could get a house and would want the boys to come with me but dh wants them to stay in family home which he would keep and is the only home the boys have ever known. Problem is ds1 is completely devastated at the split, he has had a really stable and happy upbringing and sees me leaving as the end of the world. Both DS and DH know about new partner and are all equally devastated about it. DH suggested I stay in the family home for next few years, living separately (i have moved into spare room) and keep the family together and to enable him to keep his job which he values. He says he would have to give it up if i left, to look after boys. My dilemma is this - with work and being at home all weekends, I have always looked after the home and family 24/7 I would never see my new partner - and DS1 and DH have made it clear I can't see new partner while living at home.

So what do I do - I don't want to leave boys and would gladly take them with me but I think everyone is agreed it is best for them to stay with their father but I can see my life becoming a half life like this - has anyone had a similar situation?

fiona - i'm scared that ds1 won't speak to me again and won;t come to see me, it is giving me nightmares and hot and cold sweats it is the main reason i would stay I don't feel i could live with that kind of fallout and pressure how could i ever be happy in a new relationship if that happened it would ruin it anyway

Yellowmellow, have only read the OP. This sounds like the situation my mother was in when I was 13 and DBs 16 and 19. She was going to live in a different house and had another man in her life, who would not be living with her.

We were given the choice whether to live with her or stay with Dad. We all chose to stay in the family home. We went to our mother's on Sundays and when it suited us and her (her house was withing walking distance of our school whereas family house was a few miles away).

It meant a big change in my Dad's lifestyle as he used to work until very late and suddenly had to be present for our evening meals. Obviously I was devastated that my mum left but after a couple of years could see that she was happier and that it was a good thing I had got to know my Dad better.

HTH

Anyway folks got to sign off for a bit thanks for support and stories, every little helps!

Stay and face up to what you have done??? WTF does he mean by that, stay living with him so he can punish you?
It is not an ideal situation but it will NOT benefit your dc's to see you being slowly tortured for their 'sake'. You have to explain to them that it is too late for things to go back to the way they want it to, it will never be the same again, you have fallen in ,love with another man, that doesn't mean that you deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life.
My advice re ds would be not to discuss this with him at all anymore. You only need to reassure him of your undying love and that to tell him that you will work out splitting up with his dad as best as you can with his best interests at the core of your decision. After that it is none of his business.

otherside, how brilliant to hear from someone who was affected (although obviously not for you) we would give ours choice but i think they (especially ds1 not sure about ds2) would stay. Like your mother, I would be close on hand and be there for them every day. i have offered to go back every day and do tea for everyone and back at weekends to help with house stuff - whatever it takes to stay part of their lives but the important thing to me was that you were able to maintain a relationship with you mom after it happened and that you weren't alienated forever - and thanks for the positive bit at the end about being closer to their dad. in spite of how some of my posts have sounded, their dad is a good man and they love him as much as me. he would take as good care of them emotionally as he could, and the rest we would have to sort out ( he still thinks he wouldnt be able to do domestics himself

It works OK.

One reason it works is that my partner is set in his ways, needs solitude, has grown children, and wouldn't want or be able to take on the emotional responsibility of mine.

Another reason it works is that my husband is willing to accept that there is another man in the picture. Granted he is a liberal, kind person, and understands that he is partly to blame for the demise of our marriage. (He had no interest in sex.)

But the reason it doesn't work perfectly is that I would very much like to live with my partner. I mean, I think it's normal to want to live with someone you love. But some people, like my partner, are happy not to live with someone they love and (maybe wisely) know that complacency sets in after a while, and boredom too, and complications.

So it works and it doesn't, and I often ask myself if I want to continue in a relationship that won't have the outcome I wish it could have. On the other hand, I realize that i am lucky to have found a way to accommodate both my children's needs and my own happiness, even if my children's needs aren't met perfectly, and my own happiness isn't met perfectly. It's a compromise.

I think your dh is trying to manipulate you when he insists your relationship with your partner won't survive. There's no evidence to suggest that would be case.

carmen, do you know I had never thought of actually telling him what i was going to do, only getting his approval! it really helps to get some different perspectives on all of this, sometimes you can;t see the wood for the tress, when your in the middle of it. Thanks everyone

i split with my partner last year and for various reasons i have moved out and ds (2 and a half) spends half the week with his dad and half the week here with me. i have him over the weekend because his dad works away then.

i'm worried about what it will mean for my relationship with my son in the future, when he starts school and i will no longer have him Friday afternoon and Monday morning. Having been a full time mum until the split i'm finding it very hard to adjust to part time motherhood, but having sat and talked it through over and over this arrangement right now is the best for our son.

it's not the same as the OP's situation because of my son's age........but i feel so alone in that people just can't grasp that i don't have my son all week.

neighbour thank you for that. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to live with someone but its all too complicated. I think it is a very hard thing to live with someone else children I also think that the marriage thing is idealised but in the end its about what each person wants, and life is about compromise

I'm stunned at the "get him to leave - why should you go?" messages.

OK so the marriage hasn't been the best for a number of years. There has been no violence, no domestic abuse of any nature. The OP has met someone else and seems to be refusing to forego this relationship for the benefit of her children.

Why the bloody hell should her dh move out?? What has he done wrong? If she wants out of the relationship, fine. But why should he be the one to give up his home and his children so that she can be with someone else?

I really do not understand this view.

I was wondering the exact same thing, Freckle. "make him leave" indeed. If it were a man posting would you say "make your wife move out"?? I think not.

Poor man. Of course he doesn't want to leave his home. Why should he lose his home and not live with his children any more? He hasn't done anything wrong here, and I'm staggered that it's been suggesting that you pack his bags and change the locks, or take court action to take the children away from him.

There are loads of women on the lone parents section who are devastated as their partners have left them for someone else, they're struggling to make sense of all the emotions they're feeling while trying to hold it together for their children. If any of them posted to say their partners had changed the locks, thrown them out and they could no longer live with their children there'd be outrage - rightly so.

Move out, find your own place, get on with your life with your new partner. Give your children the choice of who they live with. But have a bit of compassion for your husband - you've just turned his world upside down.

In answer to your thread title though, it is just as acceptable for a mother to leave the children when separating as it is for a man. It's simply more common for the woman to be left with the children.

Before the divorce, my Dad didn't do much on the domestic front so my mum left us an exercise book with instructions on how to sort the washing, how often to clean the shower etc! We figured it out together. I have fond memories of us deciphering the washing machine controls with the aid of mum's diagrams and looking up how to deal with blood stains in her exercise book! Dad used to spend a lot of the weeking cooking in advance and freezing so there would be meals quickly ready in the week and doing the laundry. We had a cleaner who cleaned and ironed.
The divorce was a very angry affair between my parents so Mum didn't come into the house after she left, just waiting for us on the drive. Dad didn't want her in the house again.
I do remember feeling very cross with Mum and it took a long time to feel at home and not a guest in her house although her new man was never there at the same time as me. Didn't help that her funds were low so that 'my room' in her house was decorated with old ladies flowers by the previous owner. These things are important when you are a teenager! I think it took 3 years before I really started feeling at home there. When I was 17 I decided to live with Mum again, partly because it was more practical to be near the school, and I could drive so could easily go to see friends in my Dad's village, partly because my Dad had met a new woman...

I seriously considered this for a while as I was so unhappy in my relationship with my h that I felt it might have been my only option.

After telling him this, he basically put his head back in the sand. After 3 more months and upon his return from a holiday he booked without my knowledge, I told him I wanted a divorce.

After telling him I didn't want anything from him (ie money) and admitting that we were both to blame for the demise of our marriage, he actually surprised me and agreed.

We are living in the same house at the moment (no longer as a couple - separate bedrooms etc) and he is looking for somewhere to live and thankfully I will stay here with the dc.

I was so desparately lonely and unhappy I was prepared to leave. I also thought it would be the least diruptive for the dc.

You can't let him bully and blackmail you. He needs to admit your relationship has broken down and you both need to move on. He trying to 'guilt' you into staying, which will make you resent him even more. Also it wouldn't surprise me if he is telling ds1 things to 'get him on side'.

No matter what happens with my situation, I am sure that we will both put the children first and I am hoping this will result in a amicable split with only minimal disruption.

Your h seems hellbent on the opposite and causing everyone as much pain as possible.

I do feel for you mellow. I was in a very similar situation to yours a few years ago, with my then dh playing the wounded party act to everyone, including my 2 oldest kids, who were 17 and 13 at the time. Even though he had affairs during our marriage I felt guilty because everybody found out about mine whereas only I knew about his.

The situation at home became so completely unbearable that I did move out, after taking legal advice. My ex did however help pay the rent on a flat nearby. The children came and stayed on weekends and I picked the youngest, then 5 or 6, up from school a lot and she stayed with me much more than the older two.

It was very painful, I cannot pretend otherwise. I had a horrible breakup with the guy I had the affair with. I was very depressed and still feel now that I wasn't always there for my children.

After spending a lot of money on legal fees, my ex ended up buying me out of our marital home, enabling me to buy a place large enough for the kids to come and live with me, which they all eventually chose to do. I am very happy and life is so much better than it ever was in my bad marriage. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man.

Please talk to a solicitor. Just because you had an affair does not mean you are not entitled to at least half of the house, and the courts go on the years of the marriage and the bringing up of the children, not what has happened in the last few months.

In answer to the initial question - you aren't leeaving the children. You are leaving your H and your children are chosing to stay with him by the sounds of things.

I agree that it seems wrong to make H go, but while he may not have had an affair he isn't being realistic in saying you can't see your new partner.

I agree with freckle. It doesn't actually matter what has gone before, you are the one that had an affair, why should your dh be the one that leaves?

If the situation had been reversed and you had posted that your dh had had an affair the posts would still have said to kick him out.

While I sympathize with the fact the marriage has perhaps been in difficulty for years, you should have resolved that before jumping into bed with another man - I seem to remember on a thread recently that very few people thought that adultery was acceptable - and what you have done is adultery.

If you want to move on with your life then leave, but you can't expect your husband to leave just because you couldn't keep your knickers on.

Sorry if that's harsh but that's exactly the response a man would get and imo you're no different.

Would it be feasible for you to get your own place with enough space for the boys nearby? They could spend half of the week with you and half with their Dad - when they're with their Dad you can spend time getting to know your partner and no one needs to be upset.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (8) and that is what we did - it's worked out well. My girls were gradually introduced to my partner and accepted that I needed my own lovers/ partners too but didn't necessarily want to see it at first.

People are saying some terrible things! Make him go, change the locks? If it was the other way round and the husband had met someone new and tried to kick his wife out of the family home you'd all be outraged!

Absolutely agree RahRah. Women can be the biggest bunch of hypocrites at times - slating the father who pisses off and leaves his family, but then encouraging a mother to kick her husband out and change the locks. Nice.
My understanding is that the OP wants to move out and live independently. If the children want to stay in the family home then surely their interests are paramount? (It definitely sounds like ds wants to remain there).
Sounds like the OP's husband may be clutching at straws and trying to convince her to stay, which is probably not a good tactic but understandable. I think the OP needs to move out if she believes the marriage is over but she has no right to take the kids away from their father and their home

DH's mother left home when he was 10 and he hardly saw her afterwards and it totally blew his world apart. Totally different circumstances in a poor uneducated family but he didn't cope at all well. He put in a box called abandonment and it has stayed with him all his life.

Do put your kids first, after all in six years time they will be starting to make their way in the world. It really isn't that long. I'm not saying stay or make pretence of a happy marriage but do be honest about what affect this will have on them and work together to minimise it.

I too am shocked by all this - you are not allowed to simply change the locks of the marital home either, without a court order.

My friend tried this and the police forced her to let her husband back in.

I don't think you should stay in a loveless marriage at all, it wouldn't be beneficial for anyone.

Can you sit the boys down & tell them how unhappy you are with their dad & it is in fact him you are leaving, not them?

Surely if you have been doing the childcare as well as holding down a job, dh can do the same? And, let's face it, at 12 & 15 they don't need the same 'looking after' that younger children do.

Surely it will be about 5pm by the time they get home from school? And what time does dh usually come home? Don't let them blackmail you in to staying for other's benefit.

If it was a man or a woman posting I would give the same advice, don't look back on your life with a list of regrets, do what makes you happy, as long as you have worked at your marriage & not just thrown it away on a whim.

Would you have left anyway, even if you hadn't met this new man? Take him out of the equation for the time being... did your dh know you were unhappy? Did you suggest splittinh before you met the new man? How long have you been with him & were you the one to tell dh/ds1 &2 or did they find out?

It will all work out for the best, but I would be tempted to find my own place & let the children decide where they want to live. Don't make dh leave the home, he did nothing wrong, you have chosen to leave therefore you must leave.

well i would repeat that you can leave and the children can divide their time between the two of you and your h is being melodramatic about having to give up his job

it just means that when he is away you have the kids more

you could agree an arrangement between you

it is about compromise

what about mediation?

shared care is a good arrangement with teenagers and you just get a rented place round the corner and h buys you out of the house and you use that to buy somewhere

if that is too expensive you both get something cheaper

i did this

none of this nonsense about who morally deserves this and that

children first

but you still have to work out the situation and not be manipulated

and i think the changing the locks thing is wrong

i left in your situation
i slept on friends floors to start with

then rented with my dp

then bought a place

children did alyternate weeks then altermate fortnights

and i used to take ds to school even when he was staying at his dads cos he went to school 25 miles away and his dad worked very lomg hours with a very responsible job involving a lot of overseas travel