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Original poster

Is it too late to contact ow

53 replies

Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 12:20

My husband admitted a half ONS recently it happened 10 years ago. I don’t believe his story. Is it too late to contact the ow? Would it make me feel any better to know he’s told me the truth? I’m lost, my trust has gone and I don’t know what to do. If I’d known at the time I would have left.

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 02/05/2023 12:53

Also Half ONS my arse. He either engaged or serial activity with her or he didn't.

VanillaSnap · 02/05/2023 13:36

Hellno45 · 02/05/2023 12:51

He funked someone else else and lied about it for 10 years. I wouldn't contact the OW. I doubt you'll get an honest account of what happened. Why would she admit anything? She's been lying to her OH for 10 years as well. Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay or end it? He cheated 10 years ago but that doesn't make it better or less hurtful. For you it happened today. You need time to process it.

It's only lying if the OP actually asked him and he said no. Merely not sharing your transgressions with your partner is prudence, not lying.

I think there's a huge difference between something that happened now and 10 years ago. Regardless of when you found out.

MyusernameABC · 02/05/2023 13:45

Where you possibly looking for an excuse to leave at time? Only sounded like some regret over the years you've spent together and your life being 'so much different'?

FWIW personally I would contact the OW you have every right to but obviously be prepared for the worst. Irrespective of time I would have to know.

Sending you love and strength to get through this X

Original poster
Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 14:14

The children are now 12 and 14. I wouldn’t have stayed. I don’t know what to do. The worst bit is it doesn’t feel like he even respects me enough to tell me the truth and the fact he’s been able to lie so easily for 10 years. What else has he lied about. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 02/05/2023 14:29

I think for your future happiness you should contact a solicitor and 'get your ducks in a row'.
Dammed if I'd waste another 10 years not knowing what exactly happened & being unable to trust someone. He's soiled and tainted it, make a new a better life for yourself.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/05/2023 14:45

Why do you need to contact the OW? This isn't really about her is it?

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate cheating, and finding out 10 years later would make it worse if anything. I'd be done.

frozendaisy · 02/05/2023 14:54

Drunken fumble 10 years ago.

Worth breaking up the marriage, your future, everything you have built up?

I hope he was/is mortified and embarrassed.

I mean he owes you big time if you stay, thinking luxury weekend in Paris big time.

If this is all there is I wouldn't break up an otherwise happy marriage and household but I would make it known I think he was a cheap, sleazy, cheating, soft dick arsehole. Who was at that point prepared to throw all of you both away for a essentially drunken teenage fumble. So add fucking idiot to that list as well.

Effieswig · 02/05/2023 14:56

Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 14:14

The children are now 12 and 14. I wouldn’t have stayed. I don’t know what to do. The worst bit is it doesn’t feel like he even respects me enough to tell me the truth and the fact he’s been able to lie so easily for 10 years. What else has he lied about. I feel sick.

But you don’t actually know that.

You also don’t know if, long term it would have been better to find out then or now.

I get it’s painful and you have been lied to for so long. But, women are less likely to leave when the kids are young.

and if you have been unhappy, besides this, in the last 10 years that was still your choice to stay even though you were unhappy.

Sometimes it helps to deal with what’s happening, not the fake version of your life that you think might exist if you found out then. Living in a ‘what if’ world isn’t helping you.

The OW would likely deny the whole thing. It was 10 years ago. I wouldn’t even think you need to speak to her to know his story he was bullshit. He had ‘half’ a one night stand’ but wasn’t aroused? So what was he doing if he wasn’t aroused at all?

Ghostdreammove · 02/05/2023 15:05

The way you are writing OP it sounds like finding this out might actually be the tip of the iceberg and that your marriage felt far from perfect anyway

take your time - but do what is best for you

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 15:24

What a fucking massive betrayal. I think it's worse (I know it's not a competition) to find out all this time later because you know now, he told you so you have all of that pain and distress PLUS you feel like you lived a lie for 10 years and without the knowledge at the time, you never got to chose how to respond. I couldn't get over this. I've told me DH if he cheats on me in a drunken stupor and it meant nothing, and he regrets it, he can live with the pain and horror of it. It can torture him till he dies. It's his problem. In reality, these things have a way of coming out and the thought of my life being a joke - even if I don't know about it, is not what I would want. Best not to betray the people you profess to love in the first place. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Oh and his bullshit story would make me furious. What are you going to do?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 15:27

frozendaisy · 02/05/2023 14:54

Drunken fumble 10 years ago.

Worth breaking up the marriage, your future, everything you have built up?

I hope he was/is mortified and embarrassed.

I mean he owes you big time if you stay, thinking luxury weekend in Paris big time.

If this is all there is I wouldn't break up an otherwise happy marriage and household but I would make it known I think he was a cheap, sleazy, cheating, soft dick arsehole. Who was at that point prepared to throw all of you both away for a essentially drunken teenage fumble. So add fucking idiot to that list as well.

Oh yes, I find out my DH has cheated on me - the first thing I'd do is demand a luxury weekend in the city of love with him. Sounds dreamy.

Also if you're going to "make it known I think he was a cheap, sleazy, cheating, soft dick arsehole", I think what you're actually saying is a hate you and find you repulsive. In my experience, it's really hard to have a close intimate relationship with someone you hate and find repulsive.

frozendaisy · 02/05/2023 16:05

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 15:27

Oh yes, I find out my DH has cheated on me - the first thing I'd do is demand a luxury weekend in the city of love with him. Sounds dreamy.

Also if you're going to "make it known I think he was a cheap, sleazy, cheating, soft dick arsehole", I think what you're actually saying is a hate you and find you repulsive. In my experience, it's really hard to have a close intimate relationship with someone you hate and find repulsive.

Show quote history

I meant Paris without him.

I was just pointing out a drunken fumble as that might have been what it was is, for me, not worth by itself, destroying everything.

But it depends doesn't it?

What is there to save? His reaction sober to you knowing, if it was just a one time a decade ago, what the relationship was at the time, if you believe him that is all there is to know, how it arose, if he can remember.

But from the original post without much else to go on, is that enough for me to throw everything away? Now? No. It's just another point of view. Because we all understand relationships aren't black and white.

Original poster
Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 16:20

We had conversations about cheating over the years and he always said he’d been faithful. So he has lied so many times to me

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 02/05/2023 16:21

VanillaSnap · 02/05/2023 13:36

It's only lying if the OP actually asked him and he said no. Merely not sharing your transgressions with your partner is prudence, not lying.

I think there's a huge difference between something that happened now and 10 years ago. Regardless of when you found out.

Show quote history

I totally disagree. He has deceived her by omission. He made promises to her and he broke those promises. He looked her in the face and chose to keep her in the dark taking away her choice to leave.

Its easy to strug your shoulder and say well it happened 10 years ago. For her It happened today. A bomb was throw in her life today.

@Biggirlpantsipink you do what you want. Don't let him down play it because it was 10 years ago. It's a huge betrayal and he needs to understand that.

Hellno45 · 02/05/2023 16:24

Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 16:20

We had conversations about cheating over the years and he always said he’d been faithful. So he has lied so many times to me

@Biggirlpantsipink do you believe his account of things? Is he remorseful or is he downplaying, minimising it and acting like your unreasonable for being upset?

WatieKatie · 02/05/2023 16:25

You’ve only just found out OP, you need to give yourself some space and time to get over the shock. It may have been 10 years ago for him but to you it’s new.

In my experience men always minimise when found out. I’m sure there’s more to the story but I doubt you’ll ever get the truth, even if you do ask the OW (I wouldn’t waste your time btw).

I’m very surprised and suspicious that he’s told you tbh.

Stay strong.

SorePaw · 02/05/2023 17:44

Jackienory · 02/05/2023 12:33

Calm down, it was a decade ago.

Show quote history

@Jackienory

jack I presume.

it doesn't matter that it was 10 years ago, in fact it's harder to deal with.

I suggest you find other threads/boards if you just want to be cruel & dismissive of peoples upset.

Original poster
Biggirlpantsipink · 02/05/2023 20:55

Thanks for the kindness. I just don’t know what I’ll do. Try and get some sleep I guess.

OP posts:
mummyjummylove · 02/05/2023 21:06

If you want to know the details for your own peace of mind, then message the OW. Not that it practically changes anything, but if you need to know, you need to know.

You might regret it down the line, but the truth always prevails x

NotNowGertrude · 02/05/2023 21:22

Do what you think is best for you to move forwards

MsDogLady · 02/05/2023 21:25

What a huge betrayal, Biggirl. This is a fresh, searing wound and should be treated as such.

Before any decisions are made, I would be proactive in getting to the bottom of your H’s infidelity. He and OW have been keeping a secret together for a decade. He is likely downplaying their involvement.

Tell him you won’t even consider staying until he comes clean with the entire story. They waited until you left the party and then commenced their sexual activity that night. There must have been a both a build up and later interaction:
(1) Require him to detail their pre-party relationship dynamic, as well as the nature/level of contact post-party.

(2) What did he tell OW about you and your relationship?
(3) How did he give himself permission to cheat?

To answer your question, I would absolutely contact OW, but would not tell H beforehand.

Biggirl, he made a mockery of you and chose to steal your agency for 10 long years. It would be reasonable to send him away while you consider your options. Personally, it would be game over for me.

HandlebarLadyTash · 03/05/2023 16:06

My husband had been mastibating via facetime with a work collegue 4/5 yrs ago. I found out by seeing the messages a month ago, it lasted about a year.
I contacted her, she cried and I didn't get any closure, if anything after reflection I felt manipulated by the tears. She still wants my husband and they still work together once a week.
I had previously asked if there was anything going on- gut instinct is amazing.

We are staying together, I have his passwords & we are working on spending more time together. In some ways finding out has helped us we are going out more and talking more openly - all things that had started to drift with life/jobs/kids.
I only hope I can get the images of what I read out of my head.
If not I have started to take time for myself for excersise, hair, nails friends ( if he could make time for walking he has far too much free time) Essentially I am working on myself and will not allow myself to be the do everything for everyone. If I end up single I will be full of confidence, looking fabulous and have my mates.

HandlebarLadyTash · 03/05/2023 16:07

*walking =wanking

Original poster
Biggirlpantsipink · 04/05/2023 12:53

Thanks for this how brave of you to try and work through it. I’m crushed. He is not willing to talk about it or share any details or even say sorry. I think it’s over for me and I am more upset than I ever thought I could be.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 04/05/2023 13:06

A married woman who fucks or half fucks someone else husband after she's gone home to let the baby sitter get away; is not exactly a bastion of integrity and honesty; to get asking full & accurate details from.

Then there's the fact she may not even fully remember the details; from a decade ago
Esp if she made a habit of doing things like that.

Then there's the fact she may think you'll tell her husband; so best for her to minimise.

I doubt you're going to get the truth out of her.