Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he keep doing this?

50 replies

Mamma2three · 01/05/2023 15:05

Context. Me 44 he 48 3 grown up children. Married for a fair few years, known him since we where kids.

4 weeks into our separation (he left me) my ex husband calls or texts most days to see that I'm OK, to just talk about his day, my day. Irrelevant stuff really. Stuff we should of talked about when we where together.
He turned up a few days ago with a bottle of perfume for me and said it was being there for our kids during this difficult time and that he should of told me years ago how good a mum I was to our kids. Towards the end of our relationship we barely talked, had sex, or did any sort of activity together.our relationships just fizzled.I don't get why he's being like this now though. 😕

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 01/05/2023 15:11

Guilt?

Bamboozleme · 01/05/2023 15:11

Boredom?

Bamboozleme · 01/05/2023 15:11

Loneliness and second thoughts?

Dotcheck · 01/05/2023 15:13

loneliness or guilt

Bamboozleme · 01/05/2023 15:14

the woman that he left you for is no longer interested?

ElonMust · 01/05/2023 15:18

Trying to reel you back in. Don’t fall for it.

CrystalCoco · 01/05/2023 15:22

He's discovered that the grass is not greener and the rosy life he pictured leaving you would bring, has not materialised.

My guess would be (as PP mentioned) things have not gone to plan with the other woman and he's now regretting his decision to leave you and is trying to get back in your good books.

SorePaw · 01/05/2023 15:30

Any of the usual reasons that the pp have said.

affair partner no longer interested/hasn't left her husband

He's bored/lonely/missing you listening to him & soothing his brow.

He's realised how big a gap there is in his life without you.

he feels guilty & like YOU won't cope without him. I found out this was why my ex SAID he was doing it, he told mutual friends, who told me as they thought it was SO ridiculous. Soon showed him 🤣

what was his reason for leaving? (Or at least what did he say was the reason?)

would you be interested in having him back? Think carefully as you'll never trust he's there to stay.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 15:39

Nothing better in the offing

Kissedbyfire1 · 01/05/2023 15:41

Buttering you up before hitting you with a totally unrealistic unacceptable offer of financial settlement where he gets almost everything and you get almost nothing.

Hotfootgoose · 01/05/2023 15:44

CrystalCoco · 01/05/2023 15:22

He's discovered that the grass is not greener and the rosy life he pictured leaving you would bring, has not materialised.

My guess would be (as PP mentioned) things have not gone to plan with the other woman and he's now regretting his decision to leave you and is trying to get back in your good books.

This!

Buildingthefuture · 01/05/2023 15:45

Because he’s realised he’s made the wrong decision, but he’s one of those men who can never admit they were wrong?

Original poster
Mamma2three · 01/05/2023 15:48

@SorePaw those 11 little words "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore

OP posts:
Mabelface · 01/05/2023 16:39

Keeping you on the back burner in case his new love life doesn't pan out and he can come back. Also thinking about a divorce settlement that will be to his benefit.

DeflatedAgain · 01/05/2023 17:08

Yeah he's orbiting (but in RL).

Keeping you around just enough as a back up.

Or he has realised things are not greener on the other side.

Sorry you're dealing with it OP. How do you feel?

SorePaw · 02/05/2023 11:07

Mamma2three · 01/05/2023 15:48

@SorePaw those 11 little words "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore

S@Mamma2three ((HUG)) shit isn't it.

plus we all know what they mean is, I'm fucking someone 'new & it's exciting'

wanker.

then they realise there's more to life than a new fuck buddy & they want all the hood stuff (mainly support & knowing you're there for them) with the side show of 'new sex'.

He wants the good bits of your relationship, but also the freedom to do who what he pleases with no commitment.

think about what YOU want & if it's at all possible, don't play the 'pick ne' game, it's soul destroying x

Opentooffers · 02/05/2023 11:15

So he was in love with someone else, it hasn't worked out, and is back sniffing around you.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:15

He’s your second marriage and your children aren’t his? How long have you been married?

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 11:16

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:15

He’s your second marriage and your children aren’t his? How long have you been married?

Has OP said that?

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:25

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 11:16

Has OP said that?

Show quote history

No but three grown up children and married “a few years” would indicate more recent.

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:32

Married for 26 years. Children are his.
He messaged last night talking about irrelevant shit. I asked him outright if he was in love with me and he said quite adamantly that he isn't. I told him to stop texting or messaging because he's messing with my head. I honestly though that maybe we'd work things out but that isn't going to happen.
I have a few close friends and family but I have never felt more alone than I do now 😞
I'm finding this so hard to get over even though I know it's for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:33

He said quite adamantly there was no one else. I don't know

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:35

Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:33

He said quite adamantly there was no one else. I don't know

“Quite adamantly”

yes of course he’s been “quite adament”

why? He wanted to keep the door open. And now new woman has ended it, he wants to slither back

my spidey senses indicate that you are very open to his return

SavBlancTonight · 02/05/2023 11:36

Any number of reasons he could be doing this, many of which have been highlighted above. I'd add an option which is that he doesn't want to feel guilty for hurting you so if you have a friendly relationship, he can tell himself that you're fine and everyone else that you're still "best friends".

Whether it's that or any other reason, the one thing that is 100% true is that he's doing it for HIMSELF. Not for you. It's to make him feel better, or to keep you on the back burner for him or similar. It's got nothing to do with you.

Tell him to stop and stop responding to anything except messages you need to deal with as part of the divorce or practicalities.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:36

He actually said he doesn’t love his wife or 26 years and mother to three children?

Swipe left for the next trending thread