Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he keep doing this?

50 replies

Mamma2three · 01/05/2023 15:05

Context. Me 44 he 48 3 grown up children. Married for a fair few years, known him since we where kids.

4 weeks into our separation (he left me) my ex husband calls or texts most days to see that I'm OK, to just talk about his day, my day. Irrelevant stuff really. Stuff we should of talked about when we where together.
He turned up a few days ago with a bottle of perfume for me and said it was being there for our kids during this difficult time and that he should of told me years ago how good a mum I was to our kids. Towards the end of our relationship we barely talked, had sex, or did any sort of activity together.our relationships just fizzled.I don't get why he's being like this now though. 😕

OP posts:
80s · 02/05/2023 11:36

Sounds to me, too, like he's at the very least got his eye on someone else. They do usually deny it. My guess would be that he's feeling guilty and trying to show you what a nice person he is, and to feel like a nice person himself.

nearlyveryold · 02/05/2023 11:37

My husband said the same, and I believed him (as was the most unlikely person to have an affair etc etc). I was soooo wrong. He is now the ex.

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:37

@DeflatedAgain absolutely shite today. Back and forth with texts yesterday. He made it quote clear that there is no chance of us working this out and being together again. I feel like the last 10 or so years have been wasted with this man. I have never felt so alone. I have very few friends and have no idea how to or go about making new ones. I've literally dedicated my life to this man and our children. My 2 eldest have moved out leaving me and the younger one (12) the house doesn't feel like a home anymore, more like an empty shell full of memories that I can't escape from.

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:38

What are all these messages about?

surely wasted time and instead you should be researching solicitors

BlingLoving · 02/05/2023 11:41

So these are chatty, friendly messages? The kind that my actual Dh and I exchange regularly if we're not together for some reason?

He's being a wanker. He feels guilty and wants to feel less guilty so thinks that if you are "friends" then it's all fine, and you'll be fine. But he's left you at home with a 12 year old and I assume, based on your OP, that this all happened very suddenly. I bet he's living a lovely single life and feeling pretty good becuase he still has you on the other end of the phone for chats and banter or whatever.

is he even spending time with the 12 year old? or has he happily abandoned all his parenting time too? Does he think a few texts to her is good enough too?

Wanker.

Stop being sad. Get angry.

80s · 02/05/2023 11:43

Block him for a bit if he keeps on pestering you?
Your time wasn't wasted with your three children. Don't let him spoil your past, he doesn't get to have that power.

Sounds like it was about time for you to start working on your social life with or without him. Mine has improved no end since I broke up with my ex in a similar position.

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:43

@SavBlancTonight you are so right about that. I feel that's what he's doing. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years. Nothing in common, never did things together, never talked. We where just mum and dad plodding through life raising our kids. He's said things like I just want to know you're OK, I don't like to see you upset and crying. Of course he doesn't because then he'd feel guilty for what he's done. I'm really angry today at how he's treated me. Dick!!

OP posts:
TUCKINGFYP0 · 02/05/2023 11:43

The kids are giving him hell, so he has told them that the split was mutual and that you are “ still friends “.

He enjoys all the emotional support you give him while shagging OW on the side. Ow doesn’t enjoy him talking about you / his kids.

Or he’s stalling you while he hides some money.

Stop it all right now and see a Solicitor.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:44

Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:43

@SavBlancTonight you are so right about that. I feel that's what he's doing. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years. Nothing in common, never did things together, never talked. We where just mum and dad plodding through life raising our kids. He's said things like I just want to know you're OK, I don't like to see you upset and crying. Of course he doesn't because then he'd feel guilty for what he's done. I'm really angry today at how he's treated me. Dick!!

In that case

perhaps there really isn’t anyone and he’s just taken the initiative. Because for years of what you’ve described sounds an unpleasant and unhappy way to live

80s · 02/05/2023 11:45

I just want to know you're OK, I don't like to see you upset and crying.
Oh what a lovely guy eh? 🙄I'd absolutely block that shite.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:45

I don’t see a 12 year old as a “grown up child”!

TUCKINGFYP0 · 02/05/2023 11:46

Send him this text

“ I need some space and time to come to terms with the end of our marriage. Please don’t contact me again by text or phone unless it’s a medical emergency about one of the children. If you need to discuss legal or financial matters, please send an email “.

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:47

@TUCKINGFYP0
He hasn't got money. He was my carer for years. He's now "jobhunting" so he can afford nice things. We married with no money, he'll get no money.

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:48

So no money?

where is he staying? Do you work?

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:51

@Bamboozleme on his (our) friends sofa!
I'm disabled. I have limited standing/walking abilities.

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:52

Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:51

@Bamboozleme on his (our) friends sofa!
I'm disabled. I have limited standing/walking abilities.

Ah.

in that case, he wants to move back in but in to the spare room. It’s about convenience then

good luck with him finding a well paid job following being a carer for years!

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:53

Money in this family just be very very tight

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:53

He needs to update DWP asap as otherwise fraudulently claiming careers allowance

who is caring for you now??

Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:57

Yes it was. I didn't say before because I guess I was just thinking this would sort itself out. He was a weed smoker and a lot of our money went on his needs before ours.
I'm so stupid to think that we could've worked. Please no nasty comments, I'm still very fragile.
I'm now so much better off financially. I have money in my purse and keep thinking I haven't paid someone, when in actual fact its money he would of taken for weed.
He seems very proud of the fact he hasn't bout week in almost 4 weeks, I know this is because he has no income so simply can't afford it. He should of stopped when he lived here. For his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:57

@Bamboozleme not a cat in hells chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2three · 02/05/2023 11:59

@Bamboozleme I sorted all this 2 days after he left. He's no longer on the claim amd my eldest daughter is now my carer. I have the local council coming today to take him from the tenancy too.

OP posts:
hooveringknob · 02/05/2023 12:19

He's trying to keep a door open with you. Perhaps he left because he'd met someone else (they always claim they haven't) and things didn't work out the way he thought. My ex did this - he'd been chatting up a couple of women on WhatsApp - left, then it turned out those women weren't interested, and then he managed to wangle his way back in with me (yeah, I was week). He behaved in exactly the same way yours is.
It doesn't turn out well OP, mine then did the same thing again a couple of years later but the second time I was wise to it...

It will be hard but tell him no contact unless relating to the children/legal matters. Reply to those things in a business like tone.
Ignore anything else. He'll soon get the message.

It's important that you have time and space to heal and to create a new life for yourself.

80s · 02/05/2023 13:09

Sounds as if you will be better off without him? You could use the cash you are saving to rejuvenate your social life. Or would you be tempted if he asked to come back?

Naunet · 02/05/2023 13:22

Sorry but I think there’s someone else and he wants to keep you asa fall back option. Don’t chat with him anymore, don’t give him your attention.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 16:22

I’m a little confused op

You seem to have made swift adjustments to him not being in your life and appear adamant no way will be he be able to slither back in to your life but then …

I asked him outright if he was in love with me and he said quite adamantly that he isn't. I told him to stop texting or messaging because he's messing with my head. I honestly thought that maybe we'd work things out but that isn't going to happen.

Do you want to work things out?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread